my husband has a prostitute addiction

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think that anyone who is in a relationship with a man who sees prostitutes (especially on a regular basis) can never afford to overlook this as a little mistake. There are such deadly consequences these days, that your best protection is use a condom throughout the marriage even if he claims he is not doing it anymore. he has lied to you before, he can do it again.

 

sexual addiction is NOT an easy habit for them to break, especially if they have gotten deeply involved in the paid sex industry and are doing things like taking pride in posting reviews of different hookers on websites and communicating with other men to brag about their 'adventures'. This is much deeper than just a drunken mistake, it is a choice to participate in a lifestyle that they are getting both sexual and ego satisfaction from.

 

Wives should not feel bad like they do this because their wives are not sexually attractive, because men seeking out prostitutes are most likely seeking precisely what their wives don't offer, a high risk, high thrill adventure into the unknown. and since they have nothing to lose with these girls, they can engage in all kinds of deviant sexual practices that they might be ashamed to ask their wives for, at no risk to their ego from rejection because they are not invested in a relationship with the prostitute that is other than sex for money. many prostitutes specialize in particular and very bizarre sex practices, and charge a LOT for these services, because they know most men's wives will not engage in them, and that the man does not want anyone else to know that he craves and engages in deviant activities.

 

So there are layers of problems and issues there that have nothing to do with just the sex itself, and the man is being driven by some own personal needs/problems that has nothing to do with his family.

 

i would suggest that everybody who has a husband with a problem like this must seek both medical attention AND marital counseling to explore how to handle this. and the man will need to get private counseling of his own to deal with the sex addiction. A man who is willing to take such huge risks with his own health and that of his wife is someone who has a MAJOR problem you cannot sweep under the rug. Some men will at least wear condoms to protect themselves and their wives, but not all of them do, and it is hard to know for sure whether he has or hasn't, because he can lie.

 

the other problem with just doing nothing other than being upset and trying to just soldier on in the marriage without counseling, is that you have taught him that he can do something that is very dangerous and truly devastating to you, and there are no real consequences other than dealing with your anger for a while. he may be perfectly willing to deal with your anger for a while if he retains the privilege to continue in the marriage AND continue to pursue prostitutes (tho he will obviously continue to lie about it to make his life less turbulent).

 

so by default, the second something like this is discovered, counseling is immediately required, and if he does not agree, then divorce is the only option to protect yourself and your family.

 

and please recognize that this is a very common problem... prostitution is called the oldest profession for a reason. men have been sneaking off to prostitutes since the beginning of time... you might also want to join a support group for women whose husband's have this problem, and i'm sure a marriage counselor of SAA could refer you.

 

good luck, and i am so sorry to heard these sad stories! you all do not deserve this pain, and NEVER blame yourself for your spouse's weaknesses.

[suzi880]

I feel that I really hate him now.

 

Initally, when I found out I felt devasted, but now I feel anger and so much hate.

 

The only reason I stay is because I not only have a 9 month old baby but i'm also pregnant. And i'm scared of being alone. But, i know it is only a matter of time until I do leave, and when i do, it will be the right time for me.

 

Everyday I go over what he had done to me. I think what hurts me most is that I was at home breast feeding his child, whilst he was seeing some prosititute and all the lies, i hate lies.

 

I only wish that I had had courage to have left the moment I found out, but I didn't and i'm living with the decision now.

[ami555]

I just found out. But my husband won't admit to ANYTHING. I found an e-mail he'd sent to an escort. He says that he didn't send it. I couldn't believe it. He said that it wasn't him. I just stood there, stunned. He just lied to my face. I had printed out proof. But he simply denied it. That reaction stunned me. What do I do with that? He turned the tables on me and started in on me with "You're spying on me? You have too much time on your hands. What makes you think I'm cheating on you? I'm working hard all day so you can be home with the kids and this is the thanks I get?" I stood there in a daze. I told him that he was making a fool of me. I told him that I wasn't stupid, that maybe I had been a fool for a while but not anymore.

 

But, what now? We've been married for 15 years with 2 kids. He's so good at hiding things and manipulating the truth. I'm starting to doubt myself. The truth is so unbelievable, I'm finding it hard to deal with. It's almost easier to bury my head in the sand. Now that I know there's some sort of something going on...Now What????

 

I plan on seeing my doctor and get checked out. I told him to do the same, but he said that he's done nothing wrong and he doesn't need to do anything. This adds only to my doubt that maybe he didn't do anything.

 

Is anyone trying to work it out, or do most of you find the anger and resentment too much to overcome?

[suzi880]

I am sorry to hear your news Ami.

 

it took me ages to get my partner to admit what he had done. And now a few months down the line, i'm sure he thinks that it can all be forgotten and we can live happily ever after. Well, I can't.

 

I thought and wanted to work things out, but there is just too much anger in me, and I don't know how I can actually get over it.

 

I have a daughter with him and am pregnant with our second child, I just feel such a wreck, and I don't know how I feel about this baby. I want to leave, but I know it will be hard out there for me. So, I like you, tend to bury my head in the sand, for the meantime anyway.

 

He still constantly looks at porn, yet I have asked him so many times why and to stop, but he never answers me. I no longer tell him that I check what he looks at on the net, but each day I look and each day I just get more and more angry.

 

I hate him for what he has done to me and I think he must hate me to have done it in the first place.

 

I wish you well

[MrsConfused]

...................

[KIDD]

These type of posts really sadden me. I don't understand how someone can fork out hundreds of dollars for sex when you can get it with your wife for free??! I don't understand how people can cheat period, I mean if you truly love someone, you would never do anything to hurt them intentionally.

 

No offense but I think people who go to prostitutes are disgusting. How can you have sex with a complete stranger who's probably loaded with a bunch of STDs & then come back home to your wife to pass on what you could have gotten.These people need help and it's desperate that you'd actually pay money to have sex when you could use that money for more important purposes.

[Jeff777]

Ladies - all's I can say is that "it's not about you."

It wasn't about you when he was sneaking hustler when he was 9 or 10.

It wasn't about you when he was calling dial a porn 976 numbers when he was 15.

It wasn't about you when he'd constantly stare at other women even when you were out with him somewhere.

 

Now - I'm not - no way - rationalizing any of these men's behaviors. But the fact is that many are addicted to sex, porn, fantasy, etc.

 

You could be Marilyn Monroe and it wouldn't matter. They ALWAYS want more.

 

Give him firm boundaries, kick him out, no sex, sex addict rehab, meetings, threaten him with divorce, go to counseling, etc. You need to take action to send a strong message to this man who's OUT OF CONTROL.

 

Check out link removed

[confusedmama]

Jeff777, you hit it right on the head, it isn't about us, it is an addiction. But that doesn't make it any easier, or make us feel better about the situation when we are in the thick of it!! I am now almost 3 years out of my marriage and I still find myself believing that I am not pretty, sexy, good enough to have someone want me for me. The hardest part was trusting myself while leaving. I have to, still, remind myself that NO ONE would blame me if he had had an alcohol or drug addiction and would not give it up, but the sex/porn addiction is a quiet addiction and an emotional killer.

 

The website posted: gave me much encouragement and empowerment. It made me realize I am a worthwhile person and his controlling ways and addicted behavior was NOT something I had to buy into any longer. I am now working on believing when people say I am worthwhile and a good person and while it is taking a LOOOONG time I'm worth it.

 

Ladies, from someone who has been there, only you can make the decision to leave or not leave but until they admit there is a problem (as with any other addiction) there won't be a change. You deserve to be treated like you are a wonderfully, beautifully made person. Believe it!!

[Jeff777]

You said it. Sadly, many women believe the lie and do little to improve their situation. I heard a woman speaker say that so many women just really believe lies about "who they are", without developing the faith to see how they really were created.

In a sense the man's dysfunction mingles with the woman's dysfunction. What a match made in heaven! Agggghhh.... lots of baggage their, huh?

[confusedmama]

I was sadly one of those women for over 15 years. I allowed him to berate me and make me feel unworthy, unloved, unlovable, unsexual, unintelligent etc,etc,etc.... BUT when I realized the effect this could have on my 3 children (all boys) I realized I had to be strong for them. I couldn't stand the thought of them thinking that was the way a female should be treated.

 

Unfortunately, this takes a long time to recoup from. I find myself still unable to accept compliments as truth and I have to work through many trust issues when dealing with men. With counselling and time I'm sure I'll get through it and hopefully be able to move on into other relationships-if the gentleman has plenty of patience, time and willingness to allow me not to trust or believe at first.

 

But again people in those types of relationships have to step out on the faith that they are GOOD people and they deserve to be treated with respect and love

[Jeff777]

I've learned that basically it's this:

A) Women want love &

B) Men want respect.

If this is in play in a relationship it works. Actually I think deference and respect is so important & certainly not taking each other for granted.

 

My marriage of 15 years (4 kids) was rocky because we both used our dysfunctions as weapons against each other. To the degree we deal with our baggage and not look at our spouse as "the enemy" is the degree were gonna get along.

 

Hey - life is too short my friend - to be enemies. There is really someone out there to love that will really love you for who you are.

[lifes2short]

I understand that my husbands 'addiction' to escorts, etc isn't about me, but the hurt is so great. When he told me I was in such physical pain and went into shock necessitating 3 weeks off work. I am now on medication. What I still don't understand is why he told me, when he last visited a sex worker 10 months prior. This was after 11 years of visiting them. He says he couldn't carry the guilt any longer. Funny that he managed to deal with it all those years.

 

It has been 5 months since I found out and I am trying very hard to work out our relationship. I have been suicidal, had panic attacks and have asked him to leave at times when I thought I couldn't carry on. Never have I had to face such pain in my life and my life has not been tragedy free. We both go to counselling separately. I demanded that he go. He needs to deal with his behaviour and find his trigger points. Counselling has been hard for me, but I am determined that this will never happen to me again. If we manage to salvage our marriage we will also go to couple counselling, but not until he has dealt with his problem.

 

Our two teenage children are aware of the situation as unfortunately one of them overheard a conversation between my husband and myself. This has made the situation more difficult. I am so sorry that they are aware of his behaviour. Not for his sake, but for theirs. As well as dealing with my own hurt I have to be there for them. Emotionally this is exhausting.

 

I try to deal with his behaviour as a sickness and can see that the last 25 years I have known him (he was my first boyfriend and only sexual partner) haven't been all bad. I have told him he needs to make me fall in love with him again as I know I care about him, but am unsure as to whether or not I still love him. I know some of you will think I am crazy for staying with him. In fact I always thought anyone in my position should walk away without second thought. What I didn't realise is that no situation is black and white. I don't know whether we will succeed, but I need to know for myself and my children that I did try. I still have days when I think I am nuts for giving it a go, but I also know that separation itself brings pain and grief. I still find it hard to understand how he did this to me and all the lies he must have told knowing full well I believe highly in honesty. I only hope I have the srength and courage to see this through.

[Jeff777]

life2,

 

You'll know if he is really willing to change. You just will. Stay sensitive and keep your eyes open.

 

He needs to want to do the hard work of change. It can be done. I know,

I was there for over 20 years.

 

Hang in there and many blessings to you.

[lifes2short]

Thanks Petlady and Jeff. You are right it is up to him to prove himself and keep to the boundaries in our relationship. I have told him that there will be no more chances and I am not going to wait around forever. The minute I see any signs that I am not his first priority he is out of this house.

 

He understands it is going to take a long time for me to trust him again. And yes I check our bank and telephone accounts (mind you he always made his appointments from a pay phone) and his cellphone. Hopefully, one day, I will feel I won't have to do this.

 

You are right there is a chance he will start visiting sex workers again. That is why it is so important that he go to counselling and discover what made him make that first visit and continue from there.

 

I am thinking about myself now and have started doing the things I have wanted to do for years, like joining a gym. There was never enough money before, but now I don't care. I have missed out on such a lot during the last 11 years and I can't make up for it, but I will put my wants forward now. I was always last on the list after my husband and the girls.

 

There are days when I still get very low and pictures of him with these women float through my head. And there are times when I can't bear him to touch me, but there are also happy days when I enjoy being with him. Hopefully those days will increase. I don't think the hurt will go away entirely, but I am hoping for acceptance so that I can move on. My father died when I was 18 and even though it still hurts at times the pain is not always there. So hopefully I can get past this hurt and forgive him. That I have yet to do.

 

I still don't understand how you could do this to someone you love and that is the strange thing I know that throughout those years he loved me. Somehow he managed to separate what he was doing from his life with me. Being a female I find that difficult to come to terms with. How do men do it?

[Jeff777]

Trust and feelings will come in time.

 

Why does a sex addict do what he does? Why does he hurt the ones he loves?

Good questions.

 

All's I know is that men do Compartmentalize. They can go see a hooker for lunch and then come home and cook dinner for their wife and sleep with her that same night. They can separate that in their hearts somehow.

 

After their conscience has been hardened so many times - it becomes easier to keep up their "secret behaviour". They certainly do not "love" these women. They are addicted to the pleasure that the sex-addiction "ritual" brings.

 

It has been reported that when a sex-addict enters their "ritual" (their mode of acting out - porn, hookers, etc.) - this erotic trance-like state releases chemicals in the body which are progressive until the addict achieves release - thus ending the ritual.

 

The release of chemicals in the body actually mimic drug addiction. When men engage in Lustful behavior - its never enough to truly satisfy - ever.

The man needs to learn how to live within the boundaries of the marriage he is in. This takes time - but it can be done.

 

He definitely needs to get counseling and involved with a support group:

link removed. IF he doesn't - I guess he really doesn't want to lay down his problem bad enough.

[Jeff777]

lifes2,

Also check out link removed. This site has resources for the SO of a sex-addict.

 

Wishing you the best and many blessings!

[lifes2short]

Thanks Jeff. What you wrote makes a lot of sense to me. My husband talked about the build up of excitement as he selected the sex worker he wanted to visit and in preparing for the visit. Mind you this sometimes necessitated a quick drink to bolster his courage. When he got to their door it didn't matter if he was physically repulsed by the woman he still had to go through with it. He wasn't even getting what he wanted from the sex he had with them and didn't like the routine way it moved from one point to another, but he still stayed. Most of the time he couldn't climax during the sex. As soon as he walked out the door he felt dirty, disgusted and guilty. However, even though a condom was used at all times he certainly didn't think about my health and all the things he could have passed on to me.

 

I have shown him the website you mentioned. Unfortunately sexual addiction is not that well recognised in New Zealand and it is was difficult finding him a counsellor. Even then his counsellor does not specialise in this area. I live in a major city in New Zealand and our library has only 1 book on sexual addiction. It is easy to find support groups for alcoholics and drug addicts, but sexual addiction is way off the register.

 

I actually borrowed books from the library on prostitution and read out some of them to him to make him understand how these women feel and that they are doing it for money. He seemed to feel that he could excite them and that their oohs and ahs were genuine. I had to convince him that he paid to hear them.

 

Talk about being blindsided by lust. Me I prefer love.

[Jeff777]

Dear lifes2,

There are EXCELLENT phone counselors available to you no matter where you live. Either link removed or link removed provide phone counseling for the sex-addict and their partner as well as excellent printed material on the subject.

 

You know - for me - it was extremely important to find out what was going on inside of me - (Why I acted out). This was done primarily through reading several good books - some of which I referenced.

 

There is also a great book for you that I recommend: "An affair of the Mind" by Laurie Hall. This describes a woman's journey with her husband who's been visiting "ladies of the evening." I highly recommend that you get the book ASAP. Try this link: link removed

 

I can't stress how hard that you need to be involved in your own program of healing regarding this situation. To the degree that you work through this - will actually give your marriage a much greater hope of success - and your husband a much greater hope for recovery.

 

Hang in there - there's always hope. Bless you guys along the journey of healing.

[caninelover]

Hi everyone, so glad you're here.

 

I've been with my husband for 19 yrs. and married to him for 14.

 

I've known about his alcoholism and porn use for years, but recently found out about the phone sex (paid) and now it's escorts. Like you....I am sick inside and feel like I want to jump off a cliff.

 

I've been to counselors before, but when I found out about the escorts? The first number I dialed was a divorce attorney.

 

I am scared to death to go through with this, but for my sanity, integrity and pride, I MUST.

 

I hate how CA is a no fault divorce State and all community property is split 50/50. My husband would have had nothing without me. He would still be a low paid warehouseman if I didn't support him to move up. He is now successful and makes a pretty good salary. I made investments in real estate and we do great on our taxes. It just makes me sick that he's gonna be pretty well off after the split.

 

Right now....it's mostly anger I feel. I am sure the deep hurting will kick in soon. I feel so betrayed. Oh yeah......he doesn't want a divorce.

[lifes2short]

Hi Caninelover

 

The anger is really scary. I wanted to beat my husband to a pulp. To somehow make him understand the pain I was going through. And then I wanted to kill every sex worker I could lay my hands on and burn every massage parlour/agency in the city.

 

There are no words to describe the sense of betrayal. Everything you believed in has been smashed to pieces. It hits your very core and all aspects of your life. He has made you live a lie.

 

All I can say is have courage and take care of yourself. Every situation is different and even I cannot tell you what I think you should do. Know one thing though - his betrayal is not about you. It took me a while to see this, but it is true. Our husbands did not betray us because "we weren't good in bed', "we didn't have sex often enough", "we aren't attractive" and the 100 hundred other excuses they come up with to justify their behaviour.

 

So please take care and find someone to give you support. Talking to some one is helping me.

[caninelover]

"The anger is really scary. I wanted to beat my husband to a pulp. To somehow make him understand the pain I was going through. And then I wanted to kill every sex worker I could lay my hands on and burn every massage parlour/agency in the city."

 

Wow! You've been reading my mind. I plan to send some of my husband's VIP numbers to the police dept.

 

After I served divorce papers on J, I told him to read the page where it says you cannot spend large amounts of money without the spouse's permission. Well, I found another reciept yesterday (he stayed home sick from work) and it was dated for that day 2/13/07.....$345!! Yup, another hooker!!

 

Got my blood results today. I'm clean....NO std's. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

[Rosie007]

A word of caution: I know a person who's addiction is *unprotected sex* with prostitutes. In years gone by, he hasn't revealed his addiction to his partner. And he once passed on an STD. I'm not sure I would trust someone to be honest with me who was acting out a self-destructive behavior. It's a form of insanity, and if a person is in self-denial, how can a partner expect honesty?

[caninelover]

Thanks Rosie.

 

As soon as I found out about my husband and prostitutes, I went to my doc immediately and said I want to be tested for EVERYTHING. The doc called me last night and gave me the clear.

 

I will get tested again in a few months though to be on the safe side. This may work out. I've confiscated bank statements and it appears his addiction is around $1,000 per month. So, even though I live in CA....the judge may see fit to award me around that much for spousal support. AND, I have a great job with the State of CA, but oh well. The bank statements prove he can afford alimony!

[sydny]

Wow - it's somehow good to see i'm really not alone with this one!

 

Married for a good decade, children and house, a way-above-average sexlife, the perfect couple according to friends, my hubby hit me with a double whammy over christmas. he'd actually been considering having an affair with someone from work - and during the discussions on this one, he mentioned that he'd been seeing prostitutes.... not often six maybe seven times since we've been together. Trouble is, five of those times were in the last year!!! It hit me physically - there we were having a great year, and yet he needed to relieve the pressure that was building up! He was no longer prepared to live bythe 'rules' society was forcing on him, he had behaved himself for well over ten years, its just a man's thing etc etc I was even told i shouldn't take it personally, it's not my fault, he loves me and that he can't bear the thought of losing me! And yet the pressure becomes too much to bear and then he needs to go .........! he tells me not to get so worried about it, that its not so import-ant - i cant be everything for him, and i DO have his kids and house, we share our everday life, and that if he's happy and satisfied he can do more and be more for me and the kids!

 

I just can't shake the feeling that if i'm not good enough for him on all counts, then maybe it's time to look around again! My trust is wobbly, I wonder whether he's REALLY doing what he says he is, i ask myself what the hookers can give him that i can't...

 

I go from sad to mad to yelling wreck to vamp to...... riding this emotional rollercoaster is starting to wear me out! Glad to know i have 'sisters' out there!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

sydny:

 

gee... this is a novel approach he is taking... like saying, well, i've been a good boy for years, so i'm entitled to go murder someone now to release my anger and stress!!

 

this isn't about 'relieving pressure', it's about having his cake and eating it too, and trying to get you to buy this nonsense from him and go along with it...

 

and depending on whom he is having sex with, it COULD be murder, if he gives you HIV/AIDS from visiting a prostitute. even if he is using condoms, they do break, and there is a much higher than average likelihood that a prostitute is infected...

 

well, since he's off doing his 'man thing,' i think you need to tell him you need to go do a 'woman thing,' which is find a partner who loves you enough to be faithful and not destroy his family with his philandering...

 

at a minimum, please go to counseling, at least for yourself, to understand why it is not a good idea to let him talk you into something that will most likely implode your marriage eventually.. he may fall in love with one of his affairs and break up with you anyway, and do you want to live your life with someone who is as selfish as he is being?

 

why don't you also post this as your own thread here, to get other people's opinions?