my husband has a prostitute addiction

[ltltulip32]

1.)The $300 you "sometimes made". Since you are a John and not an escort you wouldn't know that $180 to $200 of that went to the agency. That's right... your high end $300/hour escort got little more than a street hooker would have for "FS".

 

Ummm independent escorts do not work for an agency and thereforeeee are not sharing their profits with anyone. As you would say - DUH! I worked in Denver, Colorado and you can feel free to persuse some of the sites there and check up on those rates. Most women here charge $200-$300/hr. That is not "high end" either.

 

I also hope you did indeed e-mail the adminsitrators on your little qwest for duplicate posts/ip addresses. They would gladly tell you my IP address is not the same as any of the other posters here. I could gladly point you to one of my many old reviews on TER and encourage you to e-mail me at the address provided there for me. I would gladly write you back to show you I am indeed who I said I am, but I don't think I have to out myself to some weirdo on a discussion forum who can't comprehend english.

 

You are completely clueless and it's very easy for me now to see why you would indeed have to seek out the services of escorts.

[someguy69]

Cheating is more than just lying, you said it yourself, for women, there is often an emotion component, and for the men in question, there is often a physical component. It is the expression of romantic love, physical or emotional, towards another person, that is not your partner, that constitutes cheating. You may deem sex with a prostitute to be loveless, but tell that to the person who is being cheated on. In contrast, you can't cheat with ice cream or shoes, as I said earlier, because you cannot express a romantic love for these objects in the same vain as you do for your partner. You can lie to your parter, disappointing them, but it is not a parallel to cheating.

 

Cheating is a betrayal of trust. While disappointing your partner through say gaining 100 pounds may not seem to some comparable to infidelity, to many it is no small slight.

 

Let's use Homer Simpson as a case study. You've got an overweight, lazy, irrational, not so bright guy who weighs around 275 pounds, spends most of his time drinking beer and eating donuts. His primary saving grace -- he would never cheat on his wife.

 

So lets compare Homer to the average 9-5 white collar businessman type who has a really good job, works out regularly, takes his wife out on a regular basis, has generally few bad habits, but for some reason or another has some sort of sexual deviancy -- say perhaps has an occasional meaningless fling with a young intern, or like this thread speaks of, occasionally sees prostitutes.

 

I imagine most women would say that they would choose Homer Simpson, but truthfully, if they overlooked / ignored / didn't know about the infidelity, they would likely be happier than if they were with the Homer Simpson type, where the faults are more in your face.

[JadedStar]

After the third such response, I truly believe that most people do not read before they respond. I never said these were excuses, I said they were the underlying reasons, and I also said that these urges can be (and should be) controlled.

 

These are evolutionary traits. My only point was that they exist, and this is a fact that should be known. I never said it was an excuse.

 

These "primal impulses" still exist, and did not "evolve" away. It is only through modern social norms that these things are regulated and controlled.

 

BTW, I'm not married, and there's no need for personal attacks.

 

I am very well aware of what you said and what you meant You can say that you are not saying they are excuses, but what else cuold you mean by saying it? We are on a thread about husbands and prostitutes. To bring up the male primal instincts is akin to saying "he shouldn't have done it but i understand why". Okay, that helps the wife how? What I am saying is that most people have long since evolved away from acting on impulse or basic instincts that they know are morally wrong.

 

And I am having a mature discussion here, I am not personally attacking anyone. If you feel it is an attack then perhaps a nerve was struck that I am unaware of.

 

So they are evolutionary traits. And? We have evolved a great deal since then so why bring it up if you are not using it to somehow plant the seed into a woman's head that maybe he was acting on a primal urge and jsut lost control?

[Clarity]

Why use such a contrived example that is likely closer to the exception than the rule? I imagine most of these men, who need to pay somebody to have sex with them, to be closer to Homer Simpson than an unfaithful Brad Pitt...

 

Also, describing a fling with a secretary as "meaningless", you must mean from the man's perspective?

[someguy69]

I am very well aware of what you said and what you meant You can say that you are not saying they are excuses, but what else cuold you mean by saying it? We are on a thread about husbands and prostitutes. To bring up the male primal instincts is akin to saying "he shouldn't have done it but i understand why". Okay, that helps the wife how? What I am saying is that most people have long since evolved away from acting on impulse or basic instincts that they know are morally wrong.

 

You are naive if you believe that "most people have long since evolved away from acting on impulse". Behavioral studies say quite the opposite.

 

You may want to read about this peer reviewed scientific study about why people have sex: link removed

 

 

And I am having a mature discussion here, I am not personally attacking anyone. If you feel it is an attack then perhaps a nerve was struck that I am unaware of.

 

"How long have you been cheating on your wife?" is not a personal attack?

 

Okay, that helps the wife how? So they are evolutionary traits. And? We have evolved a great deal since then so why bring it up if you are not using it to somehow plant the seed into a woman's head that maybe he was acting on a primal urge and jsut lost control?

 

We have not "evolved". Evolution of a high level species can take millions of years. We have only been trying to be monogamous for at most 10,000. We are working against our natural instincts -- not that I'm saying that anything is wrong with that.

 

However, my point was that it is necessary to understand the true nature of these impulses so that we can better control them. This helps the wife because she can realize that it is not any shortcoming of her -- that the blame clearly lies with a weakness in the man of controlling his impulses, and that when he lusts after a younger, more fertile woman, it doesn't mean that he has fallen out of love with her, but that he is experiencing a moment of weakness.

[someguy69]

Why use such a contrived example that is likely closer to the exception than the rule? I imagine most of these men, who need to pay somebody to have sex with them, to be closer to Homer Simpson than an unfaithful Brad Pitt...

 

You have missed the point of the prostitute. Unless you are a rock star, and have access to a group of young women known as "groupies" who follow a certain code of "ethics" with regards to trying to pursue a relationship with you (and even then, you are at risk of such attempts), a prostitute is someone who you are paying to have sex with you, not because you have to pay someone to sleep with you, but because you want quick no-strings-attached sex without the time, effort, work and risks of trying to negotiate such a relationship with someone without a monetary exchange.

 

High profile movie stars have been caught with prostitutes and strippers. Do you think they needed to pay for sex? They pay women for sex for the exact same reasons married men do -- because it is discrete, and there are no strings attached.

 

 

Also, describing a fling with a secretary as "meaningless", you must mean from the man's perspective?

 

Exactly. This is what we were talking about. The man believes it to be meaningless. The secretary, on the other hand, often has ulterior motives (raise, promotion, etc). The wife, (knowing the nature of the secretary), has a double-whammy of knowing that the secretary now has one over on her husband as well as the betrayal itself.

[siennalou]

Hi

 

I am new to this forum but wanted to post. I divorced my cheating and verbally/emotionally abusive husband last year. The straw that broke the camel's back was finding out he was seeing prostitutes.

 

I found out by the hooker reviews he posted on a hooker forum. I found it disgusting. He of course denied it, packed his bags and fled. I filed for divorce a week later. He was shocked as I beat him to it. Best decision I ever made.

 

What's interesting and why I wanted to post is the reason that some of the men have posted here saying they paid for sex because they did not get sex at home.

 

I didn't get sex at home either. My husband never wanted to have sex. It was like that for all the 20+ years of our marriage. In fact, now that I know most of his dirty secrets the years (and we're talking 4 or 5 times a year instead of 1x) he did have sex with me were when he was having affairs.

 

I never went to a gigalo (sp?), maybe I should have? I never cheated and I could have. I loved my ex. I tried very hard. I think I wasted my time.

 

I find the excuses listed pathetic. People can always find facts to fit their theories. I do find the comments about "women don't want truth" or "would prefer Homer Simpson" insulting.

 

Dude - how would you know? Are you a woman? Do you live in all women's heads and know what they think and why they do what they do?

 

My ex is a narcissist. That's what I found out. He only cared about himself. Sounds like some of the husbands posted about here fit that bill too.

 

Ladies - they will not change, mostly because they don't think they have a problem.

[siennalou]

I agree that this is a pervasive problem and has been for thousands of years.

 

Often hookers, when interviewed on TV, in books and magazines, say they are performing a true and needed service for married couples. Yeah - right! Parting fools from their money? Spreading VD?

 

Why does anyone or would anyone want to live a lie? Do hookers tell their john's - "I'm good for you, but will you please tell your wife?" I don't think so.

 

One of things that really disgusted me about the website that my ex used were all the posts from "johns" about how to hide this activity from the wifey.

 

I'm not a prude. I love sex. I'm with you, if my ex had said, 'honey, I need some variety" I too would have gone to his office at 3 PM naked except for high heels. But - THAT's NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT! My ex did not want to have sex with me. Last time we tried, after begging him for weeks - he couldn't get it up. Boy am I glad about that now. What a giant favor he did for me.

 

He loved having a secret life. That's what gave him the thrill.

 

I'd like to see some true honest posts from the men. C'mon - tell us true. You do it because it's naughty, bad and gives you a power over feeling. Power over the hooker and power over the wife. And - you are lazy, thoughtless and a coward.

 

That's my opinion!

[im_a_jerk]

You are completely clueless and it's very easy for me now to see why you would indeed have to seek out the services of escorts.

 

It is absurd that you continue to reply. If you ARE an ex-prostitute you just insulted yourself and the customers you defended in your previous posts.

 

Women who engage in prostitution are 99% of the time controlled by someone else, even if the proport to be "independent".

[JadedStar]

You are a very strong woman. Hats off to you for filing for divorce and beating that pervert to the punch.

 

You really took control of your life after finding out. I am sure you went thru a lot of emotional and mental torture but GOOD FOR YOU for kicking that ahole to the curb.

 

You are right, these men and former hookers (escort is to decent of a word for this, lets call them what they are) who blame it all on not getting sex at home are full of it because sometimes the men CRAVES the clandestine behavior and that is the only way they want sex. Yes, it is sickening.

[im_a_jerk]

I just want to post an update.

 

My wife and I have separated countless times since the outing of my secret lifestyle (read back to my previous posts). I have watched firsthand the pain and devastation I have caused and I can't believe a guy would come on here and even attempt to defend his actions.

 

**edited to add that that 3 or 4 nights I didn't spend the night with her I went to my parents house so she could call my mom to check on me. many other nights I have spent on the couch or in the kids room on the floor. i believe seperation can make things work. she claims she wants it but often at night she admits she would rather know where i was, even if she didnt want to look at me.**

 

A few tips for you men:

 

1.) Therapy is worthless. It attempts to assign blame to both parties when the man is really the only one who deserves blame. It often caters to the man and leaves the woman feeling rejected. We spent over $2,000 with 9 different therapists, some out of state and some even offering special "retreats" for "sexual addiction". It truly made things worst.

 

2.) If you are a guy (like me) who hopes to reconcile and be with his wife in the long run realize this... IT IS NOT EASY

 

Do not try to trap or control her. Be there for her when she wants you and be on standby when she doesn't. Do not try to stop her from dating other guys or going out with her friends. Sure, you are still married but because of our actions that agreement has lost it's meeting. Any attempt to control her will likely be met with anger or her doing whatever hurts you most...

 

You are now competing with every other guy once again for your wife's attention and affections. Do not DATE other girls or show interest in being single again. You have to commit your life to becoming the man she wants and waiting for her to give her heart back to you. (Think of Forest Gump, only you have destroyed her heart and her whole world.

 

I have met guys online who have lived through this and their stories are terrible ones, but some of them have more romance and passion then they ever did before.

 

You have to become the author of your own real life love/romance story or just walk away.

 

3.) Consider and accept that you have a problem. It's not ADD, or a lack of love at home. You have no respect for yourself and while you may be a good or bad husband you have put your own needs above your family. You really need to seriously evaluated why you weren't happy in the first place, without blaming your spouse. If SHE is the cause you should have left her...

 

You probably have compulsive thoughts about acting on your desires even after being caught, right? Most of the time you end up less satisfied than you hoped but you continue to do it again.

 

You can be a better person, and you can stay with your wife. But it is going to be a lot of hard work and pain.

 

4.) Sit with your wife and tell the true and full story over and over again, whenever she asks. You might as well tell the whole truth because she will ask questions, interrogate you and she WILL remember your exact answers.

 

The truth is very important. She will know when you are honest because you will tell her all the things she found out on her own plus a LOT more.

 

Control your emotions, do not yell back. Show you are sorry and don't allow yourself to get angry.

 

Do NOT engange in self pitty, though it's ok to cry.

 

You will naturally be on the defensive side when she lashes out at you. But let the anger go. Even if you don't agree with whatever she is saying (or yelling) at you. You have to become her personal punching bag and you have to put your feelings aside. You have hurt her more than you could ever imagine.

 

5.) It takes time. LOTS of time. Most people say 2 years before you can really get past the daily fights and emotional outbreaks. You need to know this in advance so you can brace for the long journey ahead.

 

6.) I want to say this again because it's so important. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. DO NOT BLAME YOUR WIFE. In my experience these are things that happen when the guy is still lying and possibly still cheating.

 

I finally broke down and realized how wrong I was and I lost all desire to defend myself. I realized I deserved NO sympathy. That actually made things easier on my wife. Though she still today (after 11 months) has good days and bad days.

 

 

 

P.S. I like Siennalou's comment "Should she have hired a gigalo". When my wife went out to get revenge it really put a new perspective on things. What a world it would be if every women was constantly sex hungry and us guys sat at home wandering what they were up to day and night...

 

SomeGuy, your input makes sense, but has to be discarded since you have no idea how devastating the situation is for a women to go through this. I know you are attempting to comfort them, but all the "explanations" (I didnt call them excuses mind you) add up to nothing. You are proporting that monogamy is not possible or at least not probable. That is a scary assertion since our society is built around the family.

 

Science is often wrong and the books I learned from have been rewritten and corrected frequently.

[benga]

Hello - Has anybody on this thread realized that the original poster daisy5 hasn't been around on this thread since the beginning of May?????

[sita111]

Have been working as an escort for sometime now. I have seen there are many people who tend to blame us for ruining their families which I must say is not a truth. We are just offering services and its up to the man himself how he chooses. Well not all prefer companionship but then there are many who are involved in such relationships by their self instincts only. We do not ask anyone to come to us nor do we make anyone compel. We simply respect what someone demands as a client. Its bestowed on the person himself what he chooses.

[suzi880]

Sita

 

I would like to ask you some questions

 

What makes a man go to prositutes ? Are they unhappy or is it just an uncontrollable urge?

 

My partner says he has stopped seeing prostitutes, but how will i ever know if he has. Can men stop?

 

What is it that I can have done so wrong, to make him do this to me ?

 

I hate him and love him, I just don't know what to do

 

Please help

[JadedStar]

Hello - Has anybody on this thread realized that the original poster daisy5 hasn't been around on this thread since the beginning of May?????

 

This is still a great support thread for people going thru this. Sometimes a thread can continue to live on and have value (like this one) even when the OP has left.

[SweetJade]

Frightening to hear about SOOO many women getting cheated on by their own husbands with prostitutes. I had a boyfriend that cheated on me with them and it doesn't feel good, this happened about 9 months ago and I'm just getting over it 100%. I've moved on with my life and it's so much for the better. What bothers me is that it seems like soo many men think there's nothing wrong with having sex with other women. A lot of them feel like sex is just sex and that it's nothing as long as they love their spouse.

 

It seems the norm for men to see prostitutes and it's frightening because so many men are doing it. It's like what man can I trust really? I mean can I really fall in love with a guy, not having to wonder what he's doing behind my back when I'm not around?? That's what makes it so frightening.. maybe I should just stay single for the rest of my life..

[someguy69]

SomeGuy, your input makes sense, but has to be discarded since you have no idea how devastating the situation is for a women to go through this. I know you are attempting to comfort them, but all the "explanations" (I didnt call them excuses mind you) add up to nothing. You are proporting that monogamy is not possible or at least not probable. That is a scary assertion since our society is built around the family.

 

My input was in response to the women asking, "why?". Yes, I know, the only answer they want to hear is, "because that man was a dirty, lying, cheating bastard, and you should kick him to the curb ASAP". While that may be true, it is no more helpful than saying, "because the devil made him do it".

 

I'm not saying that monogamy is not possible, just that statistics show that monogamy rates are far lower than most people think, and also is only a relatively recent invention -- as is modern society.

 

If you research primitive cultures, you will find that realizing the connection between the sexual act and pregnancy is also relatively recent. Cultures that did realize the connection had seasonal fertility festivals which included sexual free-for-alls (orgies) to encourage the fertility of crops and livestock.

 

Once more conservative religious views outlawed and virtually eliminated such practices and rituals, prostitution pretty much became an institution.

 

By pointing out that monogamy is rare, I'm trying to lessen the devastation that these women feel so that they will realize that not only are they not "alone", but that their "situation" is exceedingly common.

 

Absolute sexual fidelity does not have to be a requirement for a successful marriage. Certainly it is desired, and is a very healthy bonus that those who possess it can feel very proud about, but if it doesn't happen, it is not the end of the world. Life isn't perfect, and neither is marriage.

[lifes2short]

someguy69 sorry to get personal but..... You say you are not married. All I can say is I fully understand why.

[lifes2short]

Im a jerk. I just want to say how useful your posts are and congratulate you on trying so hard to mend your relationship with your wife. I admire you willingness to shoulder the blame yourself and the room you are giving your wife to come to terms with the situation. I only wish my husband had the same insight into his own infidelity.

 

It has been a year now and I do not feel we are much further ahead. I am coming to the conclusion that there is no hope for our relationship. This saddens me as I was so willing to try even though the discovery of his secret life with prostitutes devasted me then and still does. Unfortunately he is in denial about the whole thing. I know he is full of guilt, but if he cannot deal with the problem there is no way we can move forward together. I almost envy your wife, because you are trying so hard. I showed my husband one of your earlier posts and asked him for feedback in the hope it would open up communication between us. It didn't work, but I am going to give it one more try by showing him your last post. I just wish he would take responsibility for the his actions and make some effort to show that I am the most important thing in his life. He no longer visits prostitutes, but that isn't enough to fix our relationship. I need him on a more intimate level.

 

Good luck with your marriage and please keep posting.

[someguy69]

someguy69 sorry to get personal but..... You say you are not married. All I can say is I fully understand why.

 

You personal attacks are not benefiting you any more than if I made personal attacks about your marital situation. A witty quip may make you feel proud of yourself, but does nothing positive for your situation.

 

I am supplying valuable information which most people are ignorant of. It was not meant to make anyone feel happy, and I know full well that most people have a strong distaste for the truth.

 

Women say they want to know why men see prostitutes. I am the only one here to provide real world answers as opposed to the usual feel-good fluff that they want to hear.

[siennalou]

Someguy - You do make some good points. I find your opinions interesting. I'm not sure I would agree with you that they are the "truth" though, unless you have facts to back up what you say.

 

Marriage is very very tough. In most marriages one spouse or the other cheats at least once. 50% of marriages end. Remarriages have an even more dismal rate. These are facts not just opinions.

 

I don't agree though on blaming this behavior on our cultural heredity. That's a cop out. Back in the day people also didn't take showers every day. Is that an excuse for poor hygiene?

 

Bad and selfish behavior is what it is. People act selfishly. Not just men, women too - because if you are going to cheat (in a heterosexual relationship) there has to be a willing and able person of the opposite sex. it take two to tango.

 

I personally do not want to live a lie and I refuse to be married to a liar. That was and is my choice. I never cheated on my ex, to me it's dishonest.

[siennalou]

In reply to Sita (and any other current or past * * * * *):

 

I'm sure drug dealers feel the same way too. "My addicts come to me, I don't go to them... I don't break up families and cause their problems. I'm providing a service!"

 

Fantasize all you want ho. You're a crook. You go to jail when you get caught. There's a reason prostitution is illegal.

[siennalou]

Wow, I can't believe the forum won't let you post the "w" word for ho. Go figure!

[Gemini32]

Again I fully understand your anger, but did you not say you were a Catholic?

 

Hmmm I seem to recall a story about a prostitute about to be stoned to death in the street...

 

It's pretty convenient how so many who claim that their faith is so important to them don't even follow it.

 

I hope your crusade makes you feel better. I doubt it will.

[siennalou]

What does being Catholic have to do with anger? What's your point? ( I am not btw).

 

No one here suggested these prostitutes be stoned. Who's on a crusade?

 

What irritated you about the posts? Why don't you be honest about that instead of a back handed insult. You sound like a spoilt child.

 

We're pissed off women because we were wronged. We have a right to be pissed and someday we'll get over it.

 

So we're ranting.