my husband has a prostitute addiction

[siennalou]

: )

 

I think the first step to healing is anger. Letting it out constructively. It doesn't hurt to post how we feel because we are not hurting anyone.

 

I have always found it truly odd that people take posts so personally. You have an opinion. I have an opinion. That's it.

 

Don't tell me I can't feel how I feel! That's what my abuser said to me. It's a lie.

[siennalou]

It has nothing to do with you. Believe me, it's all him.

 

I had a counselor who told me it will take 1-2 months per every year married to heal from the end of the relationship. That horrified me. But you know - it's not so bad. I'm coming up on the one year anniv. of him running out the door with his tail between his legs. Our divorce was final towards the end of last year.

 

I have a new life with our son, a new house. I even had one date - although I'm really not ready for that.

 

Have you talked to a counselor? That does help a whole lot. I can also post some good books to read if you are a book reader.

[siennalou]

I thought that too - 20 years taken from me. But it's not true. You have kids - that helps a lot! They wouldn't be here if you hadn't done what you had done.

 

You will be ok. But you're feelings are all valid and you are completely entitled to them.

 

: )

[Gemini32]

What does being Catholic have to do with anger? What's your point? ( I am not btw).

 

No one here suggested these prostitutes be stoned. Who's on a crusade?

 

What irritated you about the posts? Why don't you be honest about that instead of a back handed insult. You sound like a spoilt child.

 

We're pissed off women because we were wronged. We have a right to be pissed and someday we'll get over it.

 

So we're ranting.

 

Maybe you should read back through these threads. The OP has posted about finding out about where the "escorts/prostitutes" live - where "their children" live and "go to school" and made threats towards their well being thinking she is within her rights because they are "prostitutes" and scum as far as she sees. Because they advertise their "nude" bodies online they are worthy of her wrath apparently?

 

I am just asking her to be true to her faith. Her faith (which she stated - I didn't!) teaches forgiveness and non judgment towards your fellow man. Not condemnation!

 

Anger is justified - revenge at any means is not. Maybe you should look at how the OP has attacked anyone who dared respond to her. Maybe if she had a few heads on a plate she would be happy?

 

You are all so damn angry at the infidelity - why don't you take it out on the target that deserves it! The men in your life! NO when it comes to that you have some lousy ass excuse like the Church or finances - whatever. You just can't divorce. It's all the prostitute's fault!

 

If he cheated on you and you have ANY self respect then LEAVE HIM. Children or not. Stop blaming others and get some self esteem. You won't though because it's much easier to vent at a message board than the low life who pays your mortgage and fathered your children.

 

Better to see some 20 something who slept with him for money go to jail and her children go to social services! Yes what a great person you are! You're really doing something for society and I am sure your priest will approve!

[chris717]

In June I needed to have umbilical hernia surgery. The dr. committed malpractice on me and accidentally severely cut my bladder. I had to be rushed from surgery center to a hospital by ambulance and be there for a few days before I could go home. I was in the worse pain of my life, I was in agony. I had to have a catheter for two weeks, so had to go home with the catheter. I was almost totally bedridden from pain. My formerly wonderful and loving husband, I found out later, while I was IN THE HOSPITAL called a massage therapist. After I came home from the hospital he began being mean to me. I couldn't believe it. He'd often yell, "I'm running myself ragged taking care of you!" In reality, he was hardly doing anything. I had to mostly rely on my son or just go without if he wasn't home. Sometimes I didn't even have anything to drink or eat and was not physically capable of getting up and walking downstairs to the kitchen. He barely did anything for me, although at times he did a few things, all the while complaining angrily about how put out he was. He also managed to take several vacation days when I was in this helpless state -- not to take care of me, but to go boating from morning to night. He would also scream at me about people "falling out of love," and that then they should get divorced "so that they don't murder each other," people don't really mean their wedding vows, and I asked him if he was cheating on me, and he said, "I hope not to cheat." As if all of this isn't bad enough -- I found out that six days after my surgery when he claimed he was going to visit his son and left me lying there in agony and helplessness, he actually called an escort. He also called his son that afternoon, so I know for sure he wasn't with him. I've since found out that he has a prepaid cell phone which he keeps at work. I haven't told him yet what I know. I'm devastated. Bad enough the horrible way he treated me, esp. when I was in such a terrible state, but to be cheating, too! We've only been married two years, had a great sex life, everything going well. I can't imagine why this is all happening. I feel like everything is surreal. I still don't physically feel good, have some pain still, chronic insomnia & fatigue, high BP, and I'm becoming more and more depressed by the day. I've tried talking to him about the horrible way he'd treated me and the things he said, and at first he was defensive and denying, then he got "nice" for a couple of weeks and actually apologized, and now he's back to being mean. We had a huge fight this morning where he was screaming at me how selfish I am and all I think about is myself! Even though we have a nice new house (with little or no equity in it right now), we're in a lot of debt and there are many circumstances which make it really difficult from a practical viewpoint to leave. He still doesn't know that I know about the cheating. I can't even think straight anymore and feel paralyzed. Thanks for letting me vent, and it's helped reading other posts to know that I'm not alone.

[chris717]

(I re-posted this as I forgot to use paragraphs)

 

In June I needed to have umbilical hernia surgery. The dr. committed malpractice on me and accidentally severely cut my bladder. I had to be rushed from surgery center to a hospital by ambulance and be there for a few days before I could go home. I was in the worse pain of my life, I was in agony. I had to have a catheter for two weeks, so had to go home with the catheter. I was almost totally bedridden from pain.

 

My formerly wonderful and loving husband, I found out later, while I was IN THE HOSPITAL called a massage therapist. After I came home from the hospital he began being mean to me. I couldn't believe it. He'd often yell, "I'm running myself ragged taking care of you!" In reality, he was hardly doing anything. I had to mostly rely on my son or just go without if he wasn't home. Sometimes I didn't even have anything to drink or eat and was not physically capable of getting up and walking downstairs to the kitchen. He barely did anything for me, although at times he did a few things, all the while complaining angrily about how put out he was. He also managed to take several vacation days when I was in this helpless state -- not to take care of me, but to go boating from morning to night.

 

He would also scream at me about people "falling out of love," and that then they should get divorced "so that they don't murder each other," people don't really mean their wedding vows, and I asked him if he was cheating on me, and he said, "I hope not to cheat."

 

As if all of this isn't bad enough -- I found out that six days after my surgery when he claimed he was going to visit his son and left me lying there in agony and helplessness, he actually called an escort. He also called his son that afternoon, so I know for sure he wasn't with him. I've since found out that he has a prepaid cell phone which he keeps at work.

 

I haven't told him yet what I know. I'm devastated. Bad enough the horrible way he treated me, esp. when I was in such a terrible state, but to be cheating, too! We've only been married two years, had a great sex life, everything going well. I can't imagine why this is all happening. I feel like everything is surreal. I still don't physically feel good, have some pain still, chronic insomnia & fatigue, high BP, and I'm becoming more and more depressed by the day.

 

I've tried talking to him about the horrible way he'd treated me and the things he said, and at first he was defensive and denying, then he got "nice" for a couple of weeks and actually apologized, and now he's back to being mean. We had a huge fight this morning where he was screaming at me how selfish I am and all I think about is myself! Even though we have a nice new house (with little or no equity in it right now), we're in a lot of debt and there are many circumstances which make it really difficult from a practical viewpoint to leave. He still doesn't know that I know about the cheating. I can't even think straight anymore and feel paralyzed.

 

Thanks for letting me vent, and it's helped reading other posts to know that I'm not alone.

[siennalou]

Hi Gemini -

 

Thanks for posting and making me think. I was going off the deep end anyway - needed to chill. Actually got my post deleted on the other prostitution thread. : (

 

I had not read the revenge info. I missed it. : (

 

I do blame my ex and do reserve most of my anger and hurt for him. I also do feel badly for prostitutes. Why do they do what they do? Who knows? But I believe what they do is wrong. (If it's something they willingly choose to do).

 

I spent some time surfing the net looking up prostitution and married men. I found a website called link removed which was very fascinating. There was a topic discussing "should I see a prostitute" and the members suggesting yes or no and why and how. It was sad.

 

I guess it just depends on how you think about sex and marriage.

 

I personally would not want to have a relationship with a man who visits prostitutes. Nor a cheater either. Pretty similar to me.

[siennalou]

Chris -

 

Your story is so sad. Your husband sounds abusive too. I can relate to the shock though.

 

That is what I felt. Talking to a counselor helps immediately. Please also get tested for all the STD's.

 

What are you going to do?

[HotCoko]

Ugh this post sickens me on soo many levels. I can't believe there are men out there that are sick enough to sleep with prostitutes. Do you really know how many STRANGE,diseased infected men ran up in her? I don't see how could anyone sleep with them, plus Condoms are not 100% effective in stopping STDs. This is scary... You really have to choose your partners wisely, because you never know where they've been YUCK!!

[bubblyblonde11]

His actions are hurting no only you but the chrildren as well! Take the kids and leave until he will commit to getting therapy. The kids need a father and you need a husband you can trust. I would also get tested for STD's. Sorry.

 

 

Yeah I agree with the above. Hard as it would be to do, you and your kids deserve better than that.

[chris717]

Siennalou,

 

I have talked with my minister. It helps, but nothing can actually change the reality of what I'm facing. BTW, even he thinks I ought to leave him, as he broke the covenant of our marriage.

 

You're right, he is abusive, no doubt about it. I can't believe his cruelty. I can't imagine even THINKING of being so cruel to an animal, much less my spouse.

 

I just can't see going on like this. I've been faithful to him and good to him in every way and I know I deserve a decent man, not a lying, cheating abuser.

 

I've enjoyed your posts. I think you call a spade a spade. You've handled your situation well and are an inspiration! Best of luck to you!

 

 

 

 

I've read a lot on this forum about men going to prostitutes because they aren't getting enough sex at home. What about situations like mine, and I suspect there are a lot of them, where we had great sex, and a lot of it? I guarantee you my husband hasn't been deprived, either in quality or quantity. Nor was he deprived of love, affection, warmth, or attention.

 

I think that some people have integrity and morals and some don't, it's probably as simple as that. If you read my original post telling my story, I've been cheated on, lied to, treated cruelly, and I'm sure my marriage is going to end at some point. Even in this situation, I will not call a male prostitute or have an affair! It's not me, I couldn't live with myself, and I value my relationship with God too much. So at least from my perspective, there is NO excuse EVER.

[karisma83]

Hi-brand new to this forum.

 

What a great thread. I've just finished reading/skimming through the whole thing. I'm going through a very similar problem right now.

 

I've been with my fiance for 6 years, living together for 3. I'm 24, he is 26.

 

He admitted to me early in our relationship that he watched a lot of porn in college. Over the years we have been together, I have caught him (in chronological order) registered on adult swingers websites (looking for one on one, discreet relationships, etc), paying for phone sex (one bill was for $100), paying for cyber sex with live video feeds, and about 6 months ago emailing hookers on craigslist. The particular correspondance that I discovered (thanks to keylogging software) involved her requiring him to register on her website which required a credit card, and him offering to pay her extra money if he could just pay her in cash (he obviously knew I would see this on his credit statement).

 

I was devastated. I left him and moved back to my parents house for a week. During those first three nights I was gone, I later found out he had continued trying to reach this girl by registering on her website, when that didn't work he sent out several other emails to other prostitutes on CL looking for a hookup. All the while calling me and texting me crying and saying how sorry he was, how stupid he had been, etc.

 

I ended up moving back in after he was able to pretty conclusively prove to me he never actually had any contact with those girls. He said he learned about CL from a news story (which was true, ironically, they had recently had a story about sting operations run by police to catch prostitutes). However, the last few months he had been working some VERY long hours-working late and on every weekend. He works alone outside regular business hours and has computer access. Our sex life during this time period was also very slow-maybe once per week or two. I'd like to think he was just looking at porn at work, but I'm not sure if I'm just decieving myself.

 

I wonder if it is my fault sometimes? All the stuff he had said in that email to that prostitute was stuff he has wanted to do with me before-stuff he'd mentioned several times and I had rejected. I also feel like I was being selfish by not having sex with him more often when he said he wanted it more often. Or am I just trying to justify his behavior? I remember even in the early years of our relationship, when the sex was good and frequent, he was still calling numbers, watching webcams, and registering on sex websites.

 

It would be easier to end this relationship if things weren't so good otherwise. He is my best friend, we typically get along great, have so many things in common, and I always thought for sure we would be getting married, until I found out about this secret double life. Since this has happened, he has given me online access to his cell phone records, his banking accounts, he always shows me his weekly paychecks and what he is depositing, and even offered to let me put a keylogger on his work computer (which I wouldn't do for legal reasons-several people use that computer). I still have a very hard time trusting him, and any time he works late now or on weekends I am skeptical about what he is really doing there.

 

I feel like my head is telling me that logically, I should get out now because he has shown an escalation in behavior, but my heart is telling me something entirely different.

[rising above]

I just found out that my husband of 20 years has been seeing prostitutes regularly for 30 years! He's getting all our "Christian" friends (He also recently became a "believer"). The story that will be told after our divorce is final is that he was wrong, but he had an "addiction" (read: he is the victum) and I wouldn't forgive him. He turns on the tears when he lies to other people, but to my face he is angry and mean as a bull-dog.](*,) If I show anger, I'm the * * * * *y bitter wife. At the end of the day, he is seen as the victum and I'm the bad guy even though I was a virgin when we got married, and he lied to me throughout our whole marriage (plus, he gave me two STDs!) He has turned all his family and our friends against me! I just decided to get the nastiest lawyer I can find and screw him for everything he's got. What do I have to loose? Our friends are going to blame me regardless of what I do. (They think I should take him back, and trust him again.) HA

[Charlotte123]

I'm also brand new. Seeing prostitutes I would say, these days, is safer than going on chatlines or Internet dating sites and meeting all kind of women.

 

Most prostitutes use condoms are get checked regularly.

 

If I were you I would get checked but don't fool yourself... I doubt very much that your husband will stop having sex outside the marriage.

 

Seeing prostitutes is not about having an affair, it's about getting sex, period.

 

Most men who seek prostitutes are lacking sex at home...otherwise they would not be out there paying for something they can get for free.

 

It's not easy to 'fix' since you can't be all of a sudden a sex goddess.... in order to keep him home... but it takes time and probably some sort of counselling...but he has to be willing to change... just like any other addictions, if it's not coming from him.. there is nothing YOU can do about it.

[ami555]

I must say that this thread has been very compelling, and I really do appreciate the male perspective. It's been over a year since I discovered my husband's secret life...since my whole life changed. Married 15 years with kids. I always thought that we had a very good sex life and I trusted my husband so much because he'd always been so "honest" and he'd always pride himself about what an "honest" guy he was. Honestly, I've found out that he's a great liar. It's scary. Sometimes, I look at him and wonder who he really is. I feel like our whole marriage was a lie.

 

I had found proof on the internet. (Ladies, check the history on your computer, it'll shock you.) I know that I've only discovered the tip of the iceberg (that's the scary part). But, he still denies, lies, denies. Now that he knows I'm on to him, he's gotten better at covering his tracks. But, I'm not stupid and I've caught him in too many lies. At first, I felt like I failed my marriage in some way. Like I didn't love my husband enough or show him how much I loved him enough...I wasn't thin enough or pretty enough. My self-esteem and self-respect really took a blow. But, I refuse to feel guilty if I don't feel like having sex one night, and fear that he'll see a hooker the next day. Since researching sex addiction, I've begun to realize that this is his problem and I'm in no way responsible for his actions. But, I am responsible for my actions.

 

So, I've come to the sad conclusion that the only way to shake him up is to leave him. Words can't describe how scary this is. I've been a stay-at-home mom for so long...this has truly devasted me. But, I know that I can't live this way. It is eating away at my soul. I know I have to muster up the strength...I have to love myself enough. I know I deserve better.

[lifes2short]

Ami555 I read your post and could identify with alot of what you wrote. My husband is a stranger to me, but I am now rediscovering him and the person he is behind his addiction to prostitutes.

 

It has been a long and lonely journey from the time he told me about his visits to escorts, etc (he told me because the guilt was too much). I, too, felt I had failed and my self-esteem was destroyed. In fact it seemed that everything I believed in was destroyed. I have never felt so crushed emotionally. I went straight to counselling which was wonderful. As each session passed I realised what a good person I was and began to love myself again. I value myself. He made bad choices and I am in no way responsible for those choices.

 

I did a lot of researching and realised he is addicted to sex. This has been a huge learning curve for me. My view of this so called 'addiction to sex' was that it was all about self discipline and any man who "couldn't keep it in his pants", as my daughter told me, was not worth the time. In hindsight I can see how he moved from one level of addiction to the next until finally it was having sex with anonymous women. This hasn't made it any easier for me mind you. I have never had sex with anyone else and the 'act of love making' is very special to me.

 

By the way those of you who think it has to do with a lack of sex or lack of adventurous sex at home - you don't know what you are talking about. My husband and I had a very satisfactory sex life and I was more than willing to try something new. In fact he admitted to me that the sex with the prostitutes was boring and repetitive. It was like they had all read the same manual.

 

He was in denial for a long long time (although it has been months since he last saw an escort) and like you I knew I had to leave him. He didn't want me to go, but he was unable to admit he had a problem. I knew I could not continue this marriage with the fear of him going back to his old habits. I am worth more than that. I knew for my own sanity and dignity I could not stay any longer. The night before I was due to leave I was reading bits and pieces from a book on sex addiction to him and asked him if he could identify with any of the feelings and behaviours. His reply was that he could identfy with most of them. We talked alot and more openly than we had in ages. I stayed. We are now in couple counselling and he is going to a separate counsellor for his addiction.

 

How we are still together is a bit of a mystery. Before this happened to me I would have told any woman in my situation to leave her partner. That was before I discovered it is not always so black and white. Maybe part of it is that I don't like to admit defeat or maybe I didn't realise how much I could love unconditionally. Unconditional love seems to be a natural part of being a parent, but do we ever extend it to our partners? I do know that our marriage has not been a lie and he does love me and he always has. The prostitutes were part of a fantasy world he created for himself.The result being that he is trying very hard to change his behaviours and be a good husband.

 

And now he is paying me so much loving attention I cannot help but respond. It is like dating all over again, but on a deeper level. The counsellor is teaching us some excellent strategies to use so that we won't loose the motivation to keep our relationship moving forward together. We talk on a more intimate level and discuss what has come up during his separate counselling. Each day is full of new surprises.

 

I guess I am lucky. And yes I know that some of you out there will think I am an idiot. But every situation is different and nobody has the right to judge someone else's situation. There are still some days when I feel down about what has happened and question why it had to happen to me. I still haven't forgiven him. That is yet to come. But my husband cares enough to understand that by giving me good days the hurt doesn't feel so bad. He also knows if he lets our relationship slide or if he starts to act out any of his previous behaviours there will be no second chance.

 

I just wanted to post this, because sometimes there is hope and sometimes it about more than just sex. And like I said no one can make judgements about anyone else's situation. Even when you have gone through a similar experience the answer is not always the same and the situation is not always black and white.

[ami555]

Unfortunately, it sounds like many of our stories are frighteningly similar. Isn't it ironic how the person we trusted the most is also the one who's hurt us the most. This world of sexual addiction is such a dark and mysterious thing. I never knew much about it 'til recently. Nobody really talks about it. Yet, I've come to understand that it's one of the hardest addictions to overcome. From what I've gathered, a sex addict never really recovers. They'll say and do all the right things for a while, but then the addiction takes over again and the cycle returns. The urges are just too strong for the addict to resist.

 

Lifes2, you're lucky that your husband has been open with you and is trying to do what it takes to keep you. I wish my husband would man-up and admit what he's been doing. If it was me, and my spouse confronted me, I would come clean and admit it. The guilt would just eat at me. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I'm beginning to wonder if my spouse has a conscience, or if he's in deep, deep denial. You're right that every situation is different, and not every situation is black and white, especially when children are involved which brings in the entire grey area. When push comes to shove, things are just never as simple as they seem. It's easy to make judgements about other peoples lives, because it's exactly that, "other people". But, when this happens to you, shock takes over.

 

Most days, I just can't wrap my head around the whole thing. Maybe it's because I don't know the details. Part of me wants to catch him in the act, be it by keylogger or by other covert means. But, I'm struggling with that. Is that right? Am I justified? Well, I think I'm justified, but I struggle because I know that's not me...I don't want to be that person, but I have no choice. I want the truth, as horrible as the truth may be. Especially with the threat of STD's...It's not just infidelity... I don't want to die from HIV.

 

Lifes2, I wish you the best and hope that your husband's intentions are true. It sounds like you have a bright future. Not to be a black cloud, but keep both eyes open (even a third eye), especially when you start to feel like you can fully trust your husband again.

 

Sleepless in Seattle, I think you have a problem. I think that when there's smoke there's fire. Especially, because your husband is getting defensive when being confronted. It sounds too familiar.

 

Tell the Truth, you're so right on about it not just being "cheating but playing with your life and death." I get so angry when I think of that. How dare this man not just play with your heart, but play with your life like it's a game. How dare these men be so selfish? What would happen if they get HIV? Don't they think of that when they're having a good time? Do they think of who will take care of the kids if both their parents are dead? These are the things that I think about. It just infuriates me how selfish and stupid they are. They don't realize that their actions have a domino effect. It effects everyone around them.

 

Like you, I've changed forever. I don't trust people like I used to. I've been questioning everything and everyone. I believe about only half of what I hear these days. It's so sad, because I don't like this person I've become. Lately, I'll just start crying out of the blue (when I'm driving, taking a shower, going to sleep, feeding the dog, you name it), because I know things will never be like they used to be.

[lifes2short]

Ami555- Don't worry this time I am going into this with my eyes wide open. I use a keylogger and feel fully justified in doing so. I keep an eye on his whereabouts and have a very keen interest in our bank accounts. And if I want answers I expect to get them.

 

Can you believe that the New Zealand Government made prostitution legal in 2003? And our Prime Minister is a woman!!!!! The main member of Parliament who pushed for the law change is a gay male. Now the newspaper is full of escorts with enticing adverts (late teens, E cup, kissable, toys, lingerie, etc). It makes me feel ill. My 18 year daughter knows of girls her age that are now taking this up as a 'career option'.

 

All the law change has done is put prostitution right in our faces. It just goes to show that even in this day and age women still have no value. It makes me so angry. It makes it even more difficult bringing up daughters with a positive message about womanhood. And, of course, it is our own sex that is also letting us down by providing the services. I bet they wouldn't want their daughters to follow them into becoming sex slaves for men.

[JadedStar]

It just goes to show that even in this day and age women still have no value.

 

As much as my heart goes out to you women, and it does enormously because this is a betrayal that cuts so deep, still yet you can't really say that this means women have no value. Women make the conscience decision to go into this profession everyday. There are women struggling to make ends meet whose morals will not allow them to stoop this low. Barring the homeless girl who is doing it to eat, this is a very conscience decision.

 

I get just as angry at the women in the sex industry as i do the men. Women who exploit their sexuality make it much harder for the women who don't. I think these women are exploiting themselves more then the men are exploiting them. I have known strippers who really disgusted me. they felt that they should be able to cash in on their sexuality and no regard who it hurt. There are sexy women everywhere, but not all of them are stripping or hooking to buy a new jaguar.

 

I think the crusade you women are on tho, for awareness, is great. Keep on keeping on. And i am so sorry this happened to you.

[bohofunk]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 23, we have a 5 month old dauhter, weve been fighting alot lately. This weekend he went out with friends got drunk and came home, I have intense anger issues, and i packed all his stuff put it outside, then we talked and i let him back in, as he was falling asleep i freaked out again, threw everything left of his in the room on him, books, shoes you name it, then i made him leave.

 

 

He went to a massage parlour, spent 200 and slept with a ****. He came home and told me right away, and said it was over before now its even more over, when y ou hit rock bottom where do you go?

 

We have been together for 2 years, and i love him so much, i cant seem to bring myself to leave him.

 

He said he was sorry and that not only has he lost my repesct but he has lost respect for himself, because what kind of person, goes and does that.

 

Im angry all the time, and i made him give me every detail that now i have a constand playback in my mind. I had been dealing, but his job, is located right next to this rub n tug, and now hes gone to work and thats all i can think about.

 

Im going to stay with him because i feel partly responsible, although i know i shouldnt.

 

has anyone ever gotten over this, and what is life like, after prosititute?

[JadedStar]

The best ammunition a wife has is divorce in these cases. Seriously.

 

 

Does anyone have some ideas to keep or start the "awareness" view going on? It's seems the prostitiutes have all the ideas on the web on how to keep

"customer's" paying for it!

 

How about a website for the Wives to "review" the hookers? After the wives catch the "cheating" husbands to put the word out there?

 

The site SWAG (Sex Work Assistance Guide) tells the "cheating" men how to cover their tracks from their wives.....examples like erace all cell messages and cell phone numbers so the wife can't put 2 and 2 together.

 

But the best one is they say don't leave a hooker's name and phone number on pieces of paper in their pants.....(because the stupid wives wash them!)

 

It seems the wife is really getting the raw end of the deal ?

[Sickatheart]

My husband also sees "escorts" and posts ads for non-pros. I found out 2 years ago. I've been sick at heart ever since. He knows I know. He says the physical part is over (I'm not so sure, I've caught him in so many lies). I could go on and on. My little twist is that my husband has become friends with some of these women. He writes their blogs, builds web sites for them, helps them with their legitimate businesses. I also know the real identity of some of these women. He sees nothing wrong with all this. He says he loves me, I believe he does. But I also believe he wants it both ways. I can't leave him, well I could, but that's not what I want. Any good advise out there? I would love to find a web site for wives who've found out about their husbands "hobby". They call themselves hobbyists.

[Sickatheart]

Whiterabbit - oh my! in so many ways your situation is a mirror of mine. I only have a minute now, but I would love to "talk" to you some more. I think you probably know this isn't something you talk about with friends. The only difference I see is that my husband really is a nice guy (yeah right!). Everyone likes him. Including these women. Why not at $300 a pop? Yes, I've called one of them. I'll tell you about it soon. Right now I've got to run. Have a great day.

[Sickatheart]

tell the truth I couldnt send you a private message either. I'm new at this site, maybe I'm doing something wrong?? But I'll take all the help/support I can get.

[not feeling lucky]

I relate to almost all of you.....SA is terribly tough.....especially if you are on the other side of the realtionship. your whole world, everything you knew, understood and expected has crashed and burned. you feel unsafe, distresected and violated. I started having prob;lems about 7 years ago. I started to find money missing from our bank accounts. then I found cyber sex sites, and tehn escort services. I thought because I ahd jist had a baby, was over wieght and feeling down on myself I must be the problem. I vowed to oay more attnetion to my husband. Well, he just hid it more effectively. We then ahd another child and I once again found weird things happneing (like waking up in the middle of the night with a crying baby and no husband.) I would find sex sites all over the computer and then upon trying to make a mortgage payment, found we had no money in the bank.....I apraoched my husband who said" It's me, I feel powerful, wanted and needed." I thought I was paying him attnetion, taking care of the house and kids, and at the time I was working. What the hell. I did resign my work to stay home for a few years, and money was short.....really short, as he was using every cent he could get his hands on to pay for his escort excapades. Not only that but millionaire daddy was bailing him out every time he needed it. I wanted to leave so badly, but felt trapped. I had 2 small children and just gave up my career, what in the hell was I going to do? We saw a counselor, our church pastor, the gamut. Nothing helped. We went through angry periods and wanted to hurt each otehr in our own defense. It was ugly at times. I was fighting post partom depression and being treated for it. I think it was my saving grace (the meds.) I decided I did not want to be traped, and so I went back to work. We moved for my job, as I made more money. I thought all our therapy was helping us, he promised he would never do it again and the move seem to pick him up. I believed him. But here I was in compelte denial. How stupid could I be? REally stupid!!!!!! But it gets worse!

One noght I am picking up dinner and run my debit card. It was denied. It ahd been 2 years since the last incident, so that did not cross my mind. I simply thought it was a mistake. We had plenty of money, and I got wiser to watch the amount in the bank. I called the bank and they were closed. i called m y husband and he said "you better come home." I did. I came to find out, the police had put a hold on our account. My husband had embezzled money and used our bank account to funnel the money for his escort needs. He thought this way I would not find out. WHAT???????? Again, my world completely came colapsing down. I was so crushed, and I literlaly felt like I was suffocating. He ended up being arrested and served 6 months on home arrest. he admitted to sexual addiction and denied it for years. he said he had been seeing prostitutes for about 15 years. I couldn't believe this. I didn't know what to do. My poor children saw me go completely crazy. I threatened to leave. We slept in separate rooms for quite some time. Therapy, SA meetings, and SANON meetings helped. But the anger continues to surface. It has been 1 year since this 3rd time. My husband has changed. He ahs become less selfish, he is trying to stop yelling at his family, he has supported me in all my emotions, he has said he is sorry and admitted to all his problems. Sometimes I feel so grateful, that the compassionate, intellegent man I knew is still there and I stayed because I had hoped to find that man again. But I feel disgusted by this and the anger comes back over and over and over. I find it disrupts my work, my lively hood , my meaning. I don't trust him, and I think he still has yet to admitt why he does this. Plus as usual, our $15,000 of savings and some money his dad gave us for a house, was used to bail his ass out of his embezzlement money and lawyer court fees. No one will hire him, so he sits at home playing x-box and feeling sorry for himself. I am so disgruntle over this.

 

So should I keep trying? I've made it this far. Maybe I jsut need to keep getting support. But my gut is telling me I will never get ove rthis now, and that no matter how much he accomlishes, he destroyed anything that was safe and healthy for me. He is a great dad, but has set a poor example for his kids. Plus his anger at himself right now lays out on how he talks to his children.

 

Any of you thinking you will have it easy, once they admit to SA, you ahve anotehr thing coming......it gets far far worse. I am hoping somethign good comes out of this, but not sure what direction to move in now. Do I confront him? Do i let it play out? Do I talk to a professional? I'm confused and emotionally done.

 

Cheers.