my husband has a prostitute addiction

[Saravictoria]

I don't know if your wife should forgive you that is up to her. I am living a nightmare, gave birth to a baby 5 weeks ago (beautiful boy). I feel empty, resentful, angry for the lack of respect that my husband had for me and for our child. He put both at risk and never felt guilty while I didn't know. He feels guilty now (he says) because I know. He told me that if I had not discovered him, he would have gone forever, but now it doesn't have any desires to go back. I don't now if I can believe him or not, I can never be 100% sure of what he says. I am very confused, I love him very much, but I feel I don't know him at all. I need to rebuild my trust, but I don't know how. Thank you for sharing your story with honesty, it must be very difficult. I didn't feel the need of betraying my husband out of revenge, but I became obsessed with wanting to know as much info as possible about his women (escorts and "massage girls"). I can feel your wife's pain, her scars like mine will be very difficult to erase. Even if I forgive him, I'll never be able to forget, I will never feel attractive and will always feel insecure about myself, thinking that he has chosen other women over me. Good luck for your future, keep clean and thank you again for sharing your story.

S.V.

[secondtimearound]

For all of you out there who have recently discovered your husbands are using escort services but have decided to forgive and work on your marriage, my heart breaks for you. I was you 5 years ago. He said he was sorry, said he loved me. We did the counseling thing and he even went to SA for a couple of months. He announced he was cured. He's always been sexually distant with me (which made his use of prostitutes that much more painful to me). We'd have sex about once a week, but only if I initiated it. Recently, things had gotten stressful for him -- dealing with sick parents, tough job, typical teenage son issues. Then one day he calls my cell phone, thinking he was calling an escort service. And he completely confessed that's what he was doing. My heart stopped and I hung up the phone. Fifteen minutes later I called him to tell him to pack his bags and he said he was already packing. He KNEW he didn't have any more chances. He's been gone for a month and now he wants "another chance", but says he's not a sex addict and he won't do counseling again. Just wants to commit that he won't use escorts anymore. And thinks we're a perfect match. He just doesn't understand how much he's damaged my feelings for him. I truly think he has an attachment disorder and doesn't equate sex with love at all. I've asked for more time -- thinking the anger and disgust will pass and maybe I'll want him back. But if I take him back, what will change? It's just a matter of time before he falls back into the same pattern, isn't it? I'm afraid to admit my marriage is over after 19 years, but if he's not willing to go to counseling, I don't think I have any alternatives. I don't think I could survive a 3rd time.

[JadedStar]

I know it is VERY easy to get angry with these men who have come forward, but I really think that it is a good thing that they are sharing these stories because there is NOTHING that can help a woman understand this thing from her husband like the perspective from another man who has been there. I think these stories can help give some of these ladies some knowledge and knowledge is power.

 

I think it very brave that they came here on a thread like this and risked being ripped a new one. I think all of these fellows sharing their story here are aware they have a very real addiction. And addictions are HARD to overcome. I have read that sex addictions are the HARDEST of all to break.

 

Let's try to not attack these guys because all that will happen is they will leave and not be able to answer questions from the ladies that might be able to get some insight into her own addicted husband.

 

I do understand how easy it is to be angry. But they didn't have to share their stories and I think that they can offer some insight. We don't have to applaud their actions for sure, but if they are saying to these ladies that it probably WON"T stop despite their husbands promises then these ladies need to hear it.

 

 

To the guys who came forward here, I do appreciate your candor. I am sure this is not easy to admit you have such a powerful and deviant addiction. I hope each of you find help to be able to heal yourselves.

[JadedStar]

many women here will rip you a new one, and you won't get any shoulders to cry on from me here either, HOWEVER, i do find it alarming that you had to plead and beg your wife for sex. That was going to cause problems no matter what....be it turning to porn, strippers or prostitutes.

 

Her lack of sexual drive is NOT an excuse for you to have turned to prostitutes, you really should have been candid wtih her and let her know that part of being in a lifelong commitment DOES mean a sexual partner. It's a bunch of crock to whatever woman (or man) thinks this is not important. I find it selfish of a person to expect to marry a person and have them commit to them,and only them, yet rob them of sex and make that person beg. The crime here tho, is that instead of telling her that it is important enough to leave her, you instead went out and found it elsewhere.

 

I wont' sit here and play * * * for tat as to which of you needs to be persecuted the most, because I am not your judge or juror. All I can say is that if even after all of this she STILL does not want to have sex and you STILL have a super high libido, then dude, changes must be made. IF she had a low libido before, honestly now that she knows you cheated on her is not likely going to make her jump all over you. Too much damage might have been done already, i won't kid you. This is a wound that has likely scarred her greatly and no matter how many promises or strides are made it might be too late.

 

I am a very realistic person and I do understand that some people have a very high sex drive and to be denied sex over and over WILL end up causing some type of deviant behavior. It really does baffle me how some people will try to overlook sexual incompatibility. It is as important as any other type of compatiblity. If people with low libidos married someone who also had a low libido, and vice versa, people could be so much happier. People with fulfilled sexlives are just in general happier people. So yea, it is THAT important many times. It never SEEMS as important to the one not getting it.

 

If you don't feel that your sexlife is fulfilling then i find it FAR LESS shallow to be honest with your wife and tell her a divorce is imminent VS finding hookers. If it comes to that, I think you should get a divorce vs ever going to another prostitute. That is my advice. My non judgemental, honest advice.

 

And I do applaud you for your coming forth here as I know you risked a verbal beating. We are not your judge or jury, it is YOU who has to be able to live with yourself. And your wife.

[JadedStar]

Cimmie you are more than welcome to your views, but this is an addiction like any other, and while i find it vile, I also know that if breaking addictions were easy we'd live in a much nicer world. I'd rather they post here than not, because they are still going to do it but by posting here I like to get insight as to what really drives people who do such things. It can help me to help other people by knowing as much as I can about this ....

 

I believe men who use prostitutes do so because they like using prostitutes. They like the degradation, the link with violence, and the idea that a woman can be objectified as a sex object and debased into selling her body. They *enjoy* that.

 

I think you are correct. But the question is WHY do they enjoy it. I think they all need to be in intensive therapy for their deviant behavior and quite honestly I do not think a man with a prostitute addiction should remain in a relationship. it's not fair to the woman.

[SweetJade]

 

But the question is WHY do they enjoy it. I think they all need to be in intensive therapy for their deviant behavior and quite honestly I do not think a man with a prostitute addiction should remain in a relationship. it's not fair to the woman.

 

I think men like this like the CONTROL aspect! They like the idea of being able to control a woman because they feel that they own that particular woman for that time because they paid her. They can get a prostitute to do almost whatever they want with no complaints, no matter how bizarre the act maybe. Men who have sex addictions have deep issues! They use sex as a mean to make them happy because that's the only thing that gives them pleasure. Normally people who have these type of addictions are dangerous, because they sink deeper & deeper to get what they want. Resulting in prostitutes/escorts is a big sign that they've sunken low. Sex is apart of everyday life for them & they'll use anyone or do almost anything to get it. A big sign of a sex addict is that they throw tantrums because they can't get sex,or they'll become very depressed without, like my ex was! They're too dependent on sex!

 

My ex boyfriend I believe was a sex addict. I found out that he was seeing escort/prostitutes & it hurted deeply. One thing that I thought was interesting was that he wanted sex all the time. If he didn't get it, he would verbally abuse me & call me names. His moods would change greatly when he got sex!!He would be happy, if he did get it. After finding out he saw escorts, he told me of all of the bizarre acts he did with the prostitutes which sickens me.Even ejaculating on the hookers faces!! He told me that he got joy in using them! He told me that he got a high out of being in control.. much like a drug. It made him feel good in a weird sense. I left him alone because he had issues!! I'm glad I found out before things got worse!

 

People who see prostitutes have some sort of issue personally or some form of sex addiction. I personally don't think it's normal to pay for sex...

[HornyHubby]

Cimmie says: "Please. You are not getting enough at home so you are 'forced' to avail of escorts? That's what they all say. It sounds to me like you have an addiction problem, period."

 

I understand your anger and betrayal, but as always there are many different stories. I cannot speak for either of your husbands, but I can speak for me.

 

I was that guy once. My wife was not into sex very much, but I was (am). Before we got married, we would hardly leave the bed especially on the weekends. After we got married, we still made time for each other. Then the kids came and we cut down to once per week, then once per month, then once per quarter. I tried to show affection and get amorous with her, but she was always tired or already sleep or whatever. After a few years of that, what recourse was there? Let's look at the options:

 

(1) become asexual - not really a choice psychologically, pathologically, or physically (OK - 'physically' is a stretch)

(2) discuss it with her - did that, but to no avail. "I'm sorry, hun. I'm just so tired every night." "Maybe we can go on a date or something and leave the kids at the grandparents, wifey." "Yep, sounds like a great idea!" but when the end of the date arrived "Hun can we go get the kids?" or "I just want to go home and get a nap."

(3) suggest counseling - tried that. No luck.

(4) Go to counseling myself - that feels waay too embarrassing.

(5) continual masturbation - porn is just not the answer (but she felt 'violated' by that, too)

(6) see a prostitute - what I eventually chose to do AFTER ALL ELSE FAILED. Once per month (if I wasn't getting any at home that month) I would visit a local brothel for a little relief. I just treated it like a utility bill for 'sexual counseling'.

 

Cimmie said again: "Not all men visit prostitutes, so what makes you different? You are putting your own and your wife's life in danger with your activities. Have you not read through this thread and seen the anguish it causes to the spouses of these men?"

 

True, not all men would see 6 as an option. Frankly, I think they would all be content with options 1 or 5 above. However, you must understand something about the differences in prostitutes. If your significant other is into street prostitutes (typically AKA 'crack-heads'), the risk of disease is incredibly high even with a condom. If he does not use a condom, get rid of him because there is no excuse. On the other end of the spectrum, professional escorts are fanatic about getting checked for disease. Ask your friendly neighborhood OB/GYN and he/she will readily admit that those are his 'best customers'.

 

Cimmie says yet again: "If there is a problem with your marriage, you need to get into counselling, sex therapy, or else you need to leave your wife so that you can screw around with a good conscience, or else find a woman whose libido is compatible with your own."

 

That is what ended up happening, but not because I left. Instead my wife demanded that we split up. The irony of things is that she and I are having better sex now than before and will probably get back together. However, I still don't think splitting up was the best solution.

 

JadedStar said: "quite honestly I do not think a man with a prostitute addiction should remain in a relationship. it's not fair to the woman."

 

Again, I cannot speak for every husband out there, and I certainly don't mean to create an alibi for every cheating hubby. Sometimes, though, wives put husbands in very bad predicaments. A wife's refusal can be just as painful as cheating. Quite honestly I do not think a woman that insists on the avoidance of sex with her husband should remain in a relationship. it's not fair to the man.

 

"I think men like this like the CONTROL aspect! They like the idea of being able to control a woman because they feel that they own that particular woman for that time because they paid her. They can get a prostitute to do almost whatever they want with no complaints, no matter how bizarre the act maybe."

 

Sorry, but that is a gross Hollywood-esque misrepresentation of reality. In no case that I've ever seen or heard of will a prostitute allow 'whatever they want, no matter how bizarre'. Many have rules that are far more restrictive than any of you (no kissing anywhere, no touching here, no this, no that, only this position, etc.). Mind you, some are more permissive than others (particular the aforementioned crack-heads and especially those in 3rd world countries - just the ones a sane person would avoid most for health reasons) and will 'allow' lots of things but the rule is nearly always 'safety first'.

 

In closing:

I am sure that many will disagree, but a husband who goes to a professional prostitute because he cannot get sex at home (though he asks, pleads, and even tries to create the proper atmosphere) and insists on being protected, is not the same as a hubby that goes after every skirt that he can just for the thrill of it.

[2today]

These days its to dangerous to stay with someone that has that type of addiction. To much AIDS and HIV around. Most of those women are on drugs and have various diseases. It's not worth you dying for and who will raise your kids like you would? Leave tonight if you can! Or kick him out know!

[im_a_jerk]

HornyHubby, I was a cheating husband and I think you are in the early stages of defending your actions. Hopefully maturity will follow.

 

You really can't understand, and neither can I, how much we have hurt our wives. I first thought I was a sex addict, but then realized I was an under educated idiot. SA seems to be a bunch of bull that attempts to passify the hurt woman who has decided to stay with a cheating husband.

 

Men who are paying for sex... problem #1 is your dillusion that commidifying women are not victims, even if they are presented to you as high class escorts. Most of these "escorts" were forced into child prostitution at a young age and sold over to the bosses (or high end pimps) of escort agencies later on. Massage girls are given large loans that they can never repay and forced to travel and "repay their debt" to spare themselves the shame of their family finding out or being hurt. They all eventually realize the debt can never be repaid. THEY ARE ALL SLAVES TO SOMEONE!!!

 

Prostitution is NOT okay. I came accross johntv dot com in my search for answers about myself. WOW! This is a real eye openner for men as well as women! It is hard core reality and will break your heart.

 

If you had such a terrible marriage, you should have left it and sought out another partner for your life.

 

=====================

 

For the women seeking the answer to "why did he do it?" let me attempt to share where I am at.

 

I think most guys are programmed to jump at an opportunity for sex. In highschool guys want it, girls don't. Women aren't typically drawn in to this because any woman can get laid just by going to a bar or club. Prostitution seems to be a solution to a guy who is horny and is not getting what he wants.

 

I realize now I, like most guys, have a problem understanding intimacy. I have a problem thinking that whenever I am horny I should be "relieved" as if I am an animal with no self control.

 

Once you start paying for sex it can become addicting, like alchohol or drugs. I found that Sex Addiction therapy was just a way for a husband to make a million excuses to his wife and to help the victimized woman to get over it.

 

Half the time all men want from their wives is sex, which is a turn off itself. Try putting some thought into it if you are not getting what you want. Marriage is WORK.

 

===========================

 

For women and men alike seeking the solution, here's where I am at.

 

There is no getting over this. We are getting a divorce. Watching her go free is going to crush me, but she doesn't deserve to be tortured like this.

 

If we really love each other we will find a way back together. This scares a lot of people as it does me, but if love is no stronger than this it's worthless anyway.

 

She has stuck it out with me for months, and I think she is shamed just for being stuck with me. She is always going to worry that I'll do it again, and every little thing can trigger a bad memory for her. She doesn't deserve that.

 

I think if she had let me off the hook and got over it I could have hurt her again. I have learned a lot about prostitution since then and have lost all interest in it. That's not to say I wouldn't have had an affair though...

 

I will try to check back in this forum over time to update you all on my situation.

 

LADIES, ignore the idiots on this forum that are still making excuses for themselves. They have a long way to go, as do I, and I hope they find their way there. My heart goes out to everyone here!

[ltltulip32]

(sorry this response is so long)

 

This thread touched me very deeply. I know by posting this that I am opening myself up to attacks from others here, but there is really nothing anyone here could say to me that I haven't already said to myself.

 

I worked as an "escort" for over four years. I started when I was 27 years old. Despite pre-conceived perceptions a lot of people have about the women that work in the sex industry, I was not sexually abused as a child or on drugs. I didn't have a good family life though and have no relationship with my father.

 

I basically was so sick and tired of not being able to make my bills and men had made me feel like a prostitute most of my life anyway. It's sick, but it's the truth. I had waited until I was in love to lose my virginity, only to be used and lied to over and over again by many different men. I have come to the conclusion that I am just unlucky in love and can say that there is not a man that I trust. Believe it or not, I had 2 boyfriends pass std's onto me before I ever considered becoming an escort. The entire time I escorted I visited the obgyn once a month. I have been very lucky that I never contracted anything from a client. I always used protection, but there are clients that will pay escorts more for unprotected sex. Luckily, I valued my life enough to never engage in any of that.

 

I can relate to the pain these women have posted about here, because I was one of those women too. I had a boyfriend whom I loved with my whole being who was leading a secret life on the side. I don't think there is ever any complete healing after you learn that the person you love is not the person you thought they were at all. I don't know what made me decide to start escorting except that I was so broken emotionally. I guess I decided that I would rather turn the tables and use men and get money from them then continue to be hurt by them anymore.

 

Because of the internet, these agencies are thriving! It is very SCARY how quickly I was able to get into the profession. I made sometimes as much as $300/hour and believe me I am not one of the more attractive ladies. If anything, I am very much a girl next door type. I can say that in my four years I saw many many men and the scariest thing is that 99% of them were decent, hard working married men. They all seemed to have the same story, they loved their wives, didn't want to divorce but their wives would not give them sex. Obviously I kept my personal feelings about marriage and fidelity to myself and pretended to just be an extra horney woman who loved what she did for a liiving. The truth is that most of the time I was intoxicated and later on began to use cocaine. I couldn't get through an appointment sober.

 

Though most of the men I saw treated me well, I became more and more sickened by men in general. Big surprise there huh? I even thought about seeing women romantically because I was lonely and thought a woman might treat me better. No luck there, you can't make yourself a lesbian. I dove deeper and deeper into a depression with no end in sight. I have never considered myself an evil person, but I was not so naive to explain away the fact that I made my living committing adultery every single day. Some of the other women I knew in the industry could care less about the wives & families and sometimes laughed about getting the "vacation" or "remodeling" money. I wonder if they would think it was funny if it happened to them?

 

Finally, after 4 years of escorting, I quit last Christmas. Unlike a lot of the girls in the business I didn't drive a fancy new car or spend money like it was nothing. I saved and I planned for the day I could quit. I am working a secretarial job now and taking things one day at a time. I feel like I am forever changed by my past choices and I want so badly to heal from them. I am always afraid that someone is going to come into the office and recognize me. I learned it is a very small world.

 

I don't date and have few friends. My experiences and the people I chose to surround myself with did nothing to promote my trust in people. That too, is something that I want to work on and heal from.

 

I feel deeply for the women here that learn their husbands see escorts and feel the emotional, physical and financial pain that comes along with it.

 

I hope and pray that there is healing for us all.

[im_a_jerk]

Wow!

 

I feel bad for even posting in this thread. Maybe the forum mod should delete all posts by guys.

 

In case some of you ladies aren't following what's happened, ltltulip32 is not a real escort. The story is bogus and was clearly written by a man. Why? He is probably trying to "prove" to his wife that escorts are victims and innocent/clean women acting out of their own will.

 

He is also finding useful the assertion that all men who turn to escorts are simply sex deprived husbands. It's simply not true. They are usually just horny guys like me who are unable to control themselves.

 

If the wife happens to read this please listen. Your husband is a sex addict and is trying to get you to get over this. He will continue doing this if you don't put an end to it!

 

I can remember early on when my wife discovered my secret how I tried to defend myself. This post would have been extremely useful.

 

The truth is men lust after the pictures of these escorts online. Check miamicompanions dot com for instance. Men are directed to a hotel room and pay these girls by the hour for sex. Often times the escorts are great looking girls. Not always drug addicts but still addicted to a money lifestyle and controlled by a boss (high end pimp). They are trying to be models etc and are stuck doing sex acts to pay back high end loans that were purposefully given to them to seduce them into prostitution.

 

The same escort agencies also traffic 15 year old girls to high end clients for child prostitution. The same "escort agencies" work directly with street pimps and strip club workers to find "new talent".

 

Men please realize this. The only right thing to do is to accept ALL responsibility for your actions, despite problems in your marriage that existed before this was discovered. Those issues may be dealt with years from now, IF your wife is able to forgive you.

 

Stop blaming women for your inability to control yourselves. I did and while I am now lonely and broken hearted I also feel like a better person. I feel like I could live my life by a higher standard and be much happier.

 

WOW!

[ltltulip32]

I find it more than a little amusing you think I am a man. Why you would draw this conclusion I have no idea. My post is truthful of my experience and whether or not you believe it, I could care less. My past is not something I am proud of and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I think you missed it's entire purpose anyway which was to state that I could identify with the women who feel hurt.

 

I never stated all escorts are clean, responsible and innocent. We are not all freak shows either though. If you were an experienced "hobbiest" you might know that. I have known housewives and flight attendants that escort on the side for extra dough. We're not all street walkers with std's.

 

Not all men have the same reasons for seeing escorts either, I was simply stating that in some conversations I had with clients they offered the lack of sex in the marriage as a reason. Yes sometimes we did actually have conversations!

 

I never had a "pimp" either. But yes, because my post does not fit into whatever stereotypes you have in your mind of escorts and all men in general (apparently you are the expert!) yes I must be a man posing as an escort.

[im_a_jerk]

1.) I am a guy, I was caught cheating on my wife last year. I have used escorts, massage parlors and even picked up street walkers. I have only recently realized what a jerk I am and I have decided to accept my flaws so I can fix them.

 

2.) Your second post makes it even more obvious that you are some guy. I apparently know more about the escort industry than you do. You are just some "john" who is horny and clueless, and apparently also have an alternative motive on this forum.

 

3.) I read this AWESOME book about men and prostitution, it changed my life and it really helped my wife (who is now just a friend). In this book the author makes a dead on point. Men often try to extract pity from their wives on behalf of themselves AND the women they sleep with. When men are in this stage, they are usually still cheating on their wife and lying! Even after being caught!

 

This post was clearly designed to extract pity and to soften whatever situation your were caught in. I bet you planned to bring your wife accross it, or maybe you found she was already posting on this forum... I hope she finds my posts

 

4.) The $300 you "sometimes made". Since you are a John and not an escort you wouldn't know that $180 to $200 of that went to the agency. That's right... your high end $300/hour escort got little more than a street hooker would have for "FS".

 

So ask yourself, as I once wandered. If these girls aren't pimped out, then why would they never give me their number so I could pay them $250 directly to meet outside of the agency's time? THEY WERE SCARED FOR THEIR LIVES.

 

5.) Can the forum administrator check the IP addresses logged for these posts to find duplicates? That would be the easiest way to prove you are one of these guys. I am going to email the admin now to ask.

 

 

I apologize again to everyone else for this waste of discussion on a thread we don't belong in.

 

ltltulip32! Dude! You are obviously a manipulator, as I was also. Here's some advise...

 

1.) Stop cheating on your wife, if you still are.

2.) Stop lying to your wife, which YOU STILL ARE

3.) Accept that this is all your fault and your problem!!! Not your wife's or some "poor escort". Lack of sex is a problem for a marriage, but you have shown you care more about yourself than your marriage by going elsewhere for your sexual needs.

4.) Realize that your marriage is destroyed and over. If you want to be with your wife, you are going to need to start all over.

5.) If you make it this far, never defend yourself when your wife vents her emotions on you. You are in for quite a ride emotionally and you need to constantly remind yourself of what you did to get through it. In other words don't feel sorry for yourself and stop trying to extract sympathy from her!!!

 

WOW WOW!

[lifes2short]

When I first found this forum I was so pleased as I felt like the only woman who had ever had to deal with her husband sleeping with prostitutes. There was no one else for me to talk to and I knew they couldn't understand how I felt. Now I think it is really sad that there are so many of us out there. As my 18 year old daughter said "why couldn't he keep it in his pants?"

 

As for men not getting enough sex at home and how they have these 'primal needs' what a lame excuse for their behaviour. It is not a reason. One thing I do know about my husband is that during my 2 pregnancies he never looked elsewhere for sex. He may not have got it as often as previously, but he did keep it in his pants then.

 

Why it changed when my youngest was 2 and a half I still don't know. I know he went the first time for the excitement of something different, but he can't tell me why he kept it up knowing that each time he went he was hurting me and my children. My life will never be the same and I will never trust another male. Knowing that there will be no trust means I can never love a man fully and totally. I don't want to be like this, but the hurt has been so great that I know I could never go through it again. It is my children and myself I live for now.

 

I only hope that the next generation will not be so selfish, because that is what this behaviour comes down to. Do men think they are the only ones that get bored or look at the opposite sex? Do they not think that women are tempted at times. The big difference being that women don't tend to follow through. They realise what they could lose through doing so, and know that they have is more precious than any 5 minute fling.

[HornyHubby]

im_a_jerk: First of all, my condolences on your divorce. My heart goes out to you and your wife, and I hope the two of you can get back together later with your new maturity and sensibilities.

 

That said (and meant)...

 

Your understanding of the "industry" is somewhat flawed. While I do not pretend to know the percentages, a fair number of escorts are indeed independent as 'ltltulip32' has described herself. Not all of them have pimps - but a good number of them certainly do. In fact, much of the details of her story remind me of what a 'friend' told me about her experiences in and out of the escort business. A few inconsistencies...but nothing outstanding.

 

In general: sex, very good. prostitution, bad. cheating husbands/wives, very bad. Not making time for sex in a marriage can change the good to something very, very bad.

 

No further comments by me....and I wish everyone well and hope we all heal.

[im_a_jerk]

HornyHubby: Thank you for speaking up and showing that it was indeed you who posed as ITITulip32. I suspected you because of similarities in dialect.

 

I don't think we have much healing to do since we were the ones who inflicted the initial pain.

 

In General: Blaming your wife for cheating on her with a prostitute... VERY BAD. It is your fault. The first step is to take responsibility for EVERYTHING. You can't expect to argue about petty marrital issues one something so HUGE is now in between you and your wife.

 

Since you persist to lie I don't have much hope for you. When you have matured please return to give us your confession. It might to everyone here some good to see that us guys CAN actually tell the whole truth and come to a place of humility and repentance.

[caninelover]

My husband, Robert Souza also known as Joe Souza who works for a major heating and air conditioning company in Sacramento is STILL seeing escorts!

 

We've been separated for 5 months now. I am sooooo glad I kicked his sorry a$$ out of the house! He was drunk all the time and I worried about him driving drunk and killing or paralyzing someone. It was just too much to handle.

 

Someone here from southern CA posted about Western Referral Services, Inc.

 

Well, that company is not incorporated because I checked at the Secretary of States website. I found on my husband's Bank of America band statements that he was paying from $345 to $1,035 (which is 3x$345) to Western Referal - San Diego. These are escorts and HE admitted as such. He said it was just regular vaginal sex. Well gee.....I have a vagina! He ignored me!

 

I am looking for a lawyer to file a marital tort claim. Anyone?????

[someguy69]

I realize this is an old thread, but I wanted to post some insight on this for women to better understand their husbands.

 

First of all, there are evolutionary reasons for promiscuity, from both the male and female point of view.

 

Sperm will actually compete with other sperm, so if a female were to mate with more than one male, the one with the strongest sperm would result in fathering the offspring.

 

Men are wired to mate as far and wide as possible to ensure the best chances of propagation.

 

Women are wired to selectively choose the most aggressive and successful males, hence the best providers for them and their offspring, and the best chances of strong, healthy offspring.

 

As women are choosy, once they pick a suitable mate, it is almost inconceivable to them to choose another mate unless they are perceived as someone who will provide them with better offspring, or who will completely replace their current mate. Clearly, once a woman is past her mating prime, her instinct is such to do anything to maintain a stable home.

 

Men, on the other hand, are in seed-spreading mode their entire life. The more fertile looking another woman is, the stronger the urge. The less fertile his current mate is (due to a current pregnancy, or due to age or ill health), the stronger the urge.

 

This is our animal nature. This cannot be changed, but the urges can be regulated and overcome by reason.

 

Please note that statistically the rates of pure lifetime fidelity to a single monogamous partner are exceedingly low, so don't beat yourself up if you discover that your husband has strayed.

 

As for prostitutes, consider this... would you prefer that your husband has fallen in love with someone else -- a younger woman that he would leave you for, or that he occasionally consorts with prostitutes to fulfill his innate desire to mate with someone younger and more fertile?

 

I'm not justifying... only being realistic. Being the "world's oldest profession", prostitution has been an institutional surrogate for unbridled human mating since the beginning of civilization. Yes, you'd think that man would have been able to wean himself off these evolutionary urges over the past 10,000 years, but perhaps the root of the problem is inherent in the nature of "civilization" itself.

[SweetJade]

I'm sorry but that is such a lame excuse!! If you REALLY love someone, you wouldn't cheat PERIOD! Saying that men has needs and that it's their duty to spread their seed is a weak & selfish excuse so they can have a reason for cheating. I can't believe there are actually people out there thinking like that.. If you're going to be that uncontrollable and promiscuous, then they shouldn't be in relationships or married to begin with. Too many diseases these days to be messing around.. I feel sooo sorry for the wives who have remained faithful to their husbands while their husbands brings back AIDS or HIV to their wives... That just angers me sooo much!!

[someguy69]

I'm sorry but that is such a lame excuse!! If you REALLY love someone, you wouldn't cheat PERIOD! Saying that men has needs and that it's their duty to spread their seed is a weak & selfish excuse so they can have a reason for cheating. I can't believe there are actually people out there thinking like that.. If you're going to be that uncontrollable and promiscuous, then they shouldn't be in relationships or married to begin with. Too many diseases these days to be messing around.. I feel sooo sorry for the wives who have remained faithful to their husbands while their husbands brings back AIDS or HIV to their wives... That just angers me sooo much!!

 

I was simply providing an explanation for the urge, not an "excuse". An excuse is justification. I provided no justification. Such activity is not "just". I agree it is wrong, and also dangerous.

 

Nowhere did I say this was a "need", I said it was an urge. A "need" is something which is required -- cannot be done without. An "urge" is something which is desired -- that which can be restrained.

 

Yes, if you truly love someone, you wouldn't cheat on them... but if you stop and think about it, loveless sex with a prostitute is much less like "cheating" than a torrid love affair. Depending on your perspective, such a thing could be compared to anything which you don't tell your partner about -- for example, binging on Ben and Jerry's, splurging on $500 shoes, etc.

 

Women always seem to desire truth, but absolute truth is something which they have no understanding of. If you just want your men to say, "yes dear", and, "I am wrong, and you are right", and "I desire only you and would never even look at another woman", then you are simply training your men to lie to you enough to keep you happy.

 

Just remember, the more you train your man to lie to you about the things that you want him to lie to you about (i.e. does this dress make me look fat?), the more likely he will lie to you about other things.

[Clarity]

You've obviously forged this bizarre point of view from past experience, but seriously, comparing paying a prostitute to have sex with you when you are married to eating ice cream or buying shoes?! You can't possibly be serious when you say that?!

 

Love between two people is consummated emotionally and physically, and cheating can occur on either of those two levels. You can cause all sorts of trouble in your marriage by spending too much, or eating too much, but you can't cheat with a tub of ice cream or a pair of shoes.

 

The second part about truth and lies just seems to be an attempt to cast some blame onto the female in the relationship, which is ridiculous. The blame is 100% upon the man. If you're not getting what you need from your wife, fix the marriage, or separate - there is no justification (as you yourself said) for paying prostitutes for sex when you are married. However, it seems as if you are trying to build partial justification (disguised as "causes") in the last parts of your statement.

[someguy69]

Cheating is essentially a form of lying... trying to get away with something your partner would not approve of.

 

If hypothetically your partner had no problem with you visiting prostitutes, then it would not technically be cheating, as it was upfront, and permitted.

 

Conversely, if she had an eating disorder, and would binge on ice-cream behind your back, leaving you wondering why she kept piling on the pounds, this too would be a form of cheating.

 

Likewise, if you were on a tight budget (as one woman earlier in this thread was upset at the money her husband was spending on prostitutes), and your wife continued to make extravagant purchases behind your back, racking up credit card debt, and emptying bank accounts, then she too would also be guilty of a form of "cheating".

 

Please don't forget that women also cheat -- but when they do, it is rarely meaningless sex -- it almost always has an emotion component.

 

Just because I mentioned other marital issues in my posting does not in any way mean that I am somehow justifying any of these behaviors. I'm only saying that there are reasons for them (not good reasons, but reasons nonetheless).

 

Often women have issues they are not willing to face -- a prime example being weight issues, and also tidiness issues. While in no way a justification, if the man cannot get resolution when trying to discuss these issues, it is not uncommon for the man to also exhibit unhealthy coping mechanisms by being unfaithful.

 

BTW, I have not forged any "bizarre point of view". All of these behaviors are well known to psychologists.

[JadedStar]

someguy, most of us - males and females - have long since evolved from such basic instincts such as you described above.

 

We are not cavemen and cavewomen any longer. Yes men and women are wired differently, but these things you speak of are more traits of very primitive man and woman. We did evolve somewhere along the way.

 

These sound more like excuses to excuse male indiscretions. HOw long have you been cheating on your wife?

[someguy69]

someguy, most of us - males and females - have long since evolved from such basic instincts such as you described above.

 

We are not cavemen and cavewomen any longer. Yes men and women are wired differently, but these things you speak of are more traits of very primitive man and woman. We did evolve somewhere along the way.

 

These sound more like excuses to excuse male indiscretions. HOw long have you been cheating on your wife?

 

After the third such response, I truly believe that most people do not read before they respond. I never said these were excuses, I said they were the underlying reasons, and I also said that these urges can be (and should be) controlled.

 

These are evolutionary traits. My only point was that they exist, and this is a fact that should be known. I never said it was an excuse.

 

These "primal impulses" still exist, and did not "evolve" away. It is only through modern social norms that these things are regulated and controlled.

 

BTW, I'm not married, and there's no need for personal attacks.

[Clarity]

Cheating is more than just lying, you said it yourself, for women, there is often an emotion component, and for the men in question, there is often a physical component. It is the expression of romantic love, physical or emotional, towards another person, that is not your partner, that constitutes cheating. You may deem sex with a prostitute to be loveless, but tell that to the person who is being cheated on. In contrast, you can't cheat with ice cream or shoes, as I said earlier, because you cannot express a romantic love for these objects in the same vain as you do for your partner. You can lie to your parter, disappointing them, but it is not a parallel to cheating.