Wife's pregnant and I can't be happy.

[TexasNative]

What I am about to say here is probably terrible and I already feel terrible for even thinking it, but I just had the bottom fall out of my entire world last night when my wife of 5 years told me she was pregnant. After many, many conversations (arguments?) my wife was well aware of how I felt about having children. I cannot honestly say that I do not like children as that is not the case. I am just someone who knows that I have no business being a father and that it would not be right for me to bring a child into the world that I do not love or want. My wife seemed to feel that I would "change my mind" once she became pregnant and she broke the news to me last night not even two hours after I returned from a long, grueling, and horrible two week business trip to Washington, D.C. My reaction, as you can probably guess, was not in the least bit favorable and I have said some pretty awful things to her regarding this pregnancy so far. I flat out told her that I was not the least bit happy about it and I wanted her to get an abortion. However, this is not an option for her and it is not an option for me to ruin everything in my life and, potentially, a childs life by standing by her and having this baby. She knew how I felt about this and yet she stopped taking her birth control and went through with this anyways thinking of nobody but herself. Now, I am faced with potentially leaving my wife whom I love(?) and living with the stigma of being a "deadbeat" dad. I honestly want nothing to do with the child and have made it perfectly clear to her that I will completely turn over any and all parental rights and that I will never come near her or the baby. Now, I feel like a monster and maybe I am. I am thoroughly angered about the whole situation and grief stricken. I don't want a child in my life. I do not want to ever be a father and I don't ever want to be burdened with raising or loving a child. I may be a terrible person for this all, but I cannot stand by idly and have my life and all my hopes and dreams destroyed because of this. My wife knew better than to try and trap me like this so I feel that she brought it on herself. But, at the same time, there has to be something that I am missing and some of the fault HAS to be mine but I just cannot see it. Is there anyone out there who has been through this or something similar? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am not willing to hear out people whose sole purpose is to criticize me as I already feel badly enough about this whole thing so if you have nothing to write about except your complaints and scolding then please go somewhere else. This is a serious situation and some serious, sincere advice would be very welcome.

[Tigris]

I agree it's not right that she tricked you.

 

If you're adamant that you don't want children and she's adamant she wants to keep it then I'm sorry I can't see any alternative but divorce.

[DN]

If you were so adamant about not having children why did you not have a vasectomy?

[Dregnought]

First and formost, writing in paragraphs not only helps people answering but usually more people reply as well.

 

I am faced with potentially leaving my wife whom I love(?)

The question mark, your wondering if you still even love her?

 

You did not specify why you don't want children. Why do you think so?

 

How do you even know you won't grow to love this child?

 

You know, a few years back I would of agreed 100% with you. Now having children means more to me then almost my lover herself. Perhaps you might change as well.

 

I may be a terrible person for this all, but I cannot stand by idly and have my life and all my hopes and dreams destroyed because of this.

What are they? Are they so different from the role of parenting?

 

edit:

I believe when you get married or have sex period, you are accepting the possibility that a child could be created.

Thats true. Every time you have sex, there is always a chance that she could become pregnant. Having sex means you accept the responsibilitys as well as the consuquences, such as having children, aids, etc.

 

If you feel so strongly for not having a child you should not be having sex at all.

[avman]

Well you don't get to pick and choose the advice we give you. So listen up.

 

1. You had sex. A child is always a possible outcome of this so you ARE responsible for this child.

 

2. The child doesn't get a choice. It's going to be born whether it wants to or not. So your decision to cut and run and abandon the child has a direct impact on them and your wife.

 

3. If you didn't ever want to be a father, then you should have gotten a vasectomy and been responsible for yourself. It is not solely your wife's responsibility for birth control. That is a joint responsibility.

 

I find it humorous that you call your wife selfish, yet you are prepared to do something 100 times more selfish by walking away so that your own life plans aren't disrupted. Step up and be a man. Take responsibility for yourself and deal with the issue at hand.

 

Now if you want some help dealing with your shock and surprise and anger then we're here for you. I can understand all of these things along with some fear of the unknown and some helplessness in not knowing how things are going to work out. Get some counseling for yourself and learn how to handle parenthood because it's coming.

 

But don't even think of telling us you don't want to hear our criticism of your desire to abandon your wife and baby and vanish without a trace. It is that philosophy that forced the development of deadbeat dad laws in the first place.

[mmmending]

regardless of how it seems, a fellow human-being in need of support.. each of us has taken risks, and it is risky business being human..

 

you are v. honest about your feelings, what a difficult situation this must feel like for you..

 

there is a fearlessness in expressing so openly something that might set you up for rejection and criticism by others.. in spite your humanity, and despite your honesty, there is very little positive language around a situation such as yours, and i feel for you.. really

 

did your wife unilaterally stop using birth control? and was it agreed upon by both of you that she would be responsible for the BC?

 

hindsight is 20/20, yet it can serve as a blueprint through which to guide future experience.. we as men must, too, accept responsibility for BC.. tho' this is of little help to you now.. however, do remember this

 

you are definitely not a monster for feeling this way.. unsupportive of her perhaps

 

then again, you're both adults.. and if i understand your post correctly, it seems as tho' she knew of your choice to wish not to have children.. so remember you are one of a party of two adults..

 

i would really urge you to seek professional counselling around this.. i can hear the trauma in your post and really, really believe that you need to let this out and speak with someone professionally who can guide you through these feelings

 

good luck..

[RayKay]

I am a bit unclear - did you two not discuss this before you ever got married? And if so, if she wanted children, and you did not, why did you get married?

 

I am also a bit unclear as to why you never got a vasectomy or used condoms if you did not want children.

 

I have to agree with the others here, pregnancy is a direct result of having sex. When you have sex, you are tacitly consenting everytime to accepting the risk of there being a pregnancy as a result of it. No birth control is 100%, and that is part of the risk.

 

Children don't have to "ruin your dreams". We as humans are very adaptable....we get situations thrown at us, assess them, adapt to them, react to them.

 

I think what would be terribly selfish is to walk out on this marriage because of the child. How is that child going to feel the rest of their life knowing you left because of them? Why should the child suffer the consequences of his parents choosing to have sex! If there are problems in the marriage, that is something else to address entirely and decide, but t leave because a child is going to be born, because you do not want the responsibility or to take that responsibility for your actions? THAT is selfish.

 

I think you also have a lot of issues that cause you to believe raising your own child and loving your own child is such a burden. We are only given what we can handle. Sometimes we are given more to realize that we have much greater potential then we give ourselves credit for.

[southerngirl]

Even if you are unhappy about it and choose not to be a part of the childs life you must still pay child support to the child (mother) till the child is 18. If you do not then you could go to jail. I do not believe there is a court in the usa that will let you give away all rights and responsibilities to a child that was born through a marriage.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I think if he was so adament about not having children he should have got a vasectomy. It shouldn't just be up to the woman to prevent pregnancies. Rather or not if he didnt want children or not hes made his bed now he should have to lay in it. It takes 2 to make a baby, and i'm sure he wasn't saying no the whole time.

[DN]

There is another point to consider here. Let's not forget that if his wife decided she did not want the child she could walk away from any responsibility for the baby by having an abortion and many people would support her right to do that.

 

So let's understand that there is a double standard about the right to make a choice as to whether to be a parent.

 

But life is often unfair and just because his wife could walk away from her responsibilities does not mean that TexasNative should walk away from his. The child will be born and will need two parents. TexasNative will be forced to live up to his financial responsibilities to the child one way or another - but I hope that his conscience will force him to live up to the responsibilities he has to provide the other necessities that a child needs from a father - to be loved, cherished and guided to adulthood.

[greekgoddess]

I admire you for your honesty. I believe it's your choice but here are some things you need you ponder:

 

1) How do you know you will not love this child? There's no way of knowing that until you meet your child. You may change your mind and even if you don't at least you will know without a doubt how you feel about this child. It is way too early to assume you won't love your child.

 

2) I don't know how old you are but where do you see yourself when you are 70 years old? Living in your house/apartment? Probably not. You will be too old. Without income how will you afford retirement? Who do you see taking caring of you? Your wife? Probably not. Most likely if she is around your age she will be dead or too old to take care of you. I have worked in a nursing home and the saddest situation I've see are those single elderly folks who's spouses died and they never bothered to have children. No one ever visited them and the staff barely cared. They were basically waiting to die and mind you these people were once wealthy doctors, actors, pilots. people who led fabulous active lives. all that money couldn't help them or comfort them in the end.

 

It's not just a prefernce whether you want to have children. It's also crucial for survival unless you want to die old, alone, and miserable because I never met a single old person in that situation who wasn't miserable and who didn't regret it. Yeah, it's hard to raise a child and a lot of the times there are no rewards but look at where your wife will be at 70 and where you will be. Who will attend your funeral? You parents? Already dead. Your friends? already dead too... think about it.

 

No matter what you decide do not tell your wife until after the baby is born and you've met the baby. She is going through enough as it is being pregnant. While she is pregnant is the WORST time to leave her. This is her time now. It's all about her and the baby. Atleast give her that much so she can have a happy pregnancy. every mother deserves that. Believe me she is going through enough and it will be a tough road for her.

[TexasNative]

After reading my own post I realize that, as pointed out to me, I DON'T have the right to pick and choose what comments, opinions, or criticisms that may come my way. I guess I really need to consider all sides of the issue in order to make a decision. I will go into a little more detail though and give more information about myself. First of all, I will admit to the fact that I am "damaged goods" if you will. I am 35 years old and I am a former US Marine who served in the first Gulf War and participated in other armed conflicts around the world during this time. In that time, I committed what I feel to be atrocious acts and took the lives of others. For these acts, I feel nothing. No guilt, no remorse, no repent. Now, there is something fundamentally wrong with that and, thereforeeee, me if I can shut this off and never look back and feel anything for the things I have done. I love my wife dearly, but I consciously make the choice to not want to love a child and I could disappear from the face of the earth and never look back and never feel anything one way or another so, that being said, I don't think guilt is an issue here. Now let's touch on the topic of a vasectomy. About 2 1/2 years ago I went to see a doctor and scheduled to have a vasectomy because my wife mentioned that she didn't want to take the pill anymore. She knew how I felt about kids and we had the discussion not only before the marriage, but again at this time as well. At the end of this conversation, she made it clear to me that if I went through with a vasecomy our marriage was over. She decided to go ahead and stay on the pill, but it was at this time I could sense my present predicament coming to pass. As for the subject of sex; as soon as I found out that she had stopped taking the pill, I immediately began abstaining from sex and, yes, I DID say no on more than one occasion. All it took was the one time that we had sex and I had no idea that she had stopped taking the pill. When it comes to dying alone, i'd have to say that I really couldn't care less either way. I know that with way that I have lived my life and the things that I have put myself through I will not live to be a ripe old age. I have always been somewhat of a loner and I thrive when I am left alone. I know that I will most likely die doing something stupid yet something that I love. Before we married, we had the "kid" discussion and I told her that I did not know if I wanted to have kids or not. She was fine with that at the time. However, over time, her mind changed and she decided that she just had to have kids. I would have been fine with divorcing at that time, but she flat out told me that she would resign to the fact that she would "never know the joy of being a mother" and she would focus on her career. Now that was very deceptive and it became even more deceptive and just sneaky and wrong when she decided to stop taking the pill and not tell me. That is not only wrong, it is entrapment. If she wants to raise this child, that's her decision, but I don't have to let it ruin my life. My "hopes and dreams" consist of continuing to do as I (we) have over the past 7 years. We have travelled extensively and that has been my passion for as long as I can remember. The type of travel that we do cannot be conducted with a kid in tow. In the past 15 years, I have visited 102 countries and I still have 90 left to go before acomplishing my lifetime goal. This is the reason that I refuse to have children. Selfish, yes, maybe. Foolish? Not necessarily. What seems to be foolish to me is to give up your life's goals to appease the conniving nature of your partner. It DOES take two to make a baby, but it takes only one to lie and entrap the other. I have seen too many people ruined in this manner and I just cannot allow myself to be one of those people. I have come to terms with the fact that I will most likely die alone and bitter and I will not complain one bit as it is the choice that I have made. I have to say that I agree with the first response in saying that I need to get out now so that she may have a chance to find someone else who will love the child and her. This seems the most humane and logical choice. When it comes to disappearing and not taking care of financial "reponsibility", that is not really an issue as my wife is rather affluent and has ample means to care for the kid. Her point to me is that she would pursue financial support so that I will be forced to maintain some type of contact whether it be physical, emotional, or whatever. Of course, there is no court in the US that WOULD ever rule in a man's favor in this situation, but, one would have to be a resident of this country in order for them to pursue punshment under such a ruling. Being that I own property, a home, and a substantial bank account in another country I HIGHLY doubt that such a ruling would ever have an effect on me for as long as I should ever live. My conundrum boils down to a moral and ethical standpoint. Sure, it is wrong to leave a woman when she is pregnant, but how much more or less wrong is it for that same woman to entrap the father and to try and force it upon him to pay for her meanness? I don't think that that's right. I feel that I am no shining example of a good person by any means and that doesn't change anything. I tried counselling on more than one occasion and it has turned to out to be nothing but a waste of time and money on every one of them so I believe that I am just pretty much beyond that type of help. At this point, I am running out of options.

[looklikescarlett]

Don't make ANY decisions until the baby is born. This may be the event in your life that changes you; makes you a better man. Your child may give you a sense of purpose and meaning. He/She may be your best achievement! Wait to see how you feel...the child exists regardless.

I'm with all the other's re vasectomy...you should take more responsibility for your part in the conception.

Lastly, your wife needs love & support right now...speaking of scolding...

[southerngirl]

My advice to you is to go and seek counsel of a lawyer. If what you say is true she entrapped you and this is wrong. I can understand where you come from there are alot of people who do not wish to become parents. As for the vasectomy, you didn't get it before now would be a good time, at least you can be sure that no other children will be created.

[marinaprettyone]

you should be ashamed of yourself, you are already a deadbeat dad. If you don't want to father a child, don't have sex, it's that simple. The kid is yours, like it or not. You are heartless for even thinking of leaving your pregnant wife.

Grow a conscience and do the right thing.

[TexasNative]

Marinaprettyone: you have not read thoroughly my postings. Do not pass judgement until you have a thorough understanding. Please read carefully and, once you have, then feel free to speak your mind as I welcome and value your opinion(s). You call me a "deadbeat dad" but, had you read my postings carefully, you would have seen that money is not an issue nor will it ever be for either my wife or the child and this, as far as the courts are concerned, is what constitutes a "deadbeat dad". You would also have seen that I did at least put some effort into NOT having sex when there was a risk of impregnation.

 

PetLady. I honestly believe that you are correct here. I, too, feel more for the child than myself or my wife, but I know deep down inside that I am in no place to be a good parent to a child and that is in no way fair. It is not that I do not like children, it's just that I cannot ever give a child what it needs. One of the fears I have is that my wife will actually tell this child that it's father did not want and did not love it. Unfortuntely, she WOULD do this and she has made it clear that she will in the event that I leave. So, here we have the flaw in this plan but I feel that maybe if she does have a chance find someone else I truly hope this may be less likely to ocurr.

 

LooksLikeScarlett: Sound advice, but I really don't know that that's the right thing to do. Honestly, I am not really sure what the best course of action would be at this point. I definitely don't see it as making me better. Only more bitter and angry. I am already resolved to the fact that I want nothing to do with the child and I don't want to be around to make things worse for the child, my wife, and last but not least, myself. I honestly did put forth an effort to prevent this, but as I say, the pregnancy was ill-conceived (no pun intended) and it happened under the pretense that she was on the pill. I DID try to get a vasectomy (see last posting), but that did not happen for the reasons which I stated. However, I am scheduled for 23 May to do so in order to prevent this ever happening again.

 

SouthernGirl: I definitely intend to see a lawyer this coming week and the vasectomy, as I stated above, will follow soon after.

[avman]

Well TexasNative, since you seem to have made up your mind that you want nothing to do with this child then I suggest you do divorce. You will be held financially responsible and I suggest you stand up and accept that. Regardless of the circumstances under which the baby was conceived, you are the father and thats all the courts care about. I don't agree with the methods your wife used either, but the child still needs food, clothing, shelter, etc and you are obligated to provide some of that whether you want to participate in his or her life or not.

 

I think you have a completely unhealthy marriage. Neither of you are willing to partner, compromise, or discuss things. Both of you use threats, blackmail, and deception to get what you want. So I agree with you that it is a totally unhealthy environment for a child. Truthfully I'd recommend you put the baby up for adoption so it can have at least a shot at being raised in a healthy environment.

 

We have travelled extensively and that has been my passion for as long as I can remember. The type of travel that we do cannot be conducted with a kid in tow

 

I will point out here that I think you are mistaken. Many families do indeed continue to travel and bring their children along with them. Yes it requires some modifications but it is more than possible. You have said previously that you have more than ample money available, so hire a nanny to assist you with childcare.

 

In reading your posts I do not sense any love or bond between you and your wife and certainly no interest in the child. If you really just want to be alone then do it. Just make sure you send those checks every month to feed your child. And I shall pray that this child finds a father that truly does love them and can be a good role model for them.

 

I am so sad for this child's future.

[Daddy Bear]

There is another point to consider here. Let's not forget that if his wife decided she did not want the child she could walk away from any responsibility for the baby by having an abortion and many people would support her right to do that.

 

So let's understand that there is a double standard about the right to make a choice as to whether to be a parent.

 

if a woman decides to terminate, the man is not left with the responsibility of a child. if a man leaves during a pregnancy, the woman is faced with a difficult choice between abortion/adopting out, hooking up with another man while pregnant (or shortly thereafter) or raising a baby without a father. the ramifications are clearly different for a woman, and that's why i support her right to choose but not a man's decision to shun his child.

[DN]

if a woman decides to terminate, the man is not left with the responsibility of a child. if a man leaves during a pregnancy, the woman is faced with a difficult choice between abortion/adopting out, hooking up with another man while pregnant (or shortly thereafter) or raising a baby without a father. the ramifications are clearly different for a woman, and that's why i support her right to choose but not a man's decision to shun his child.

Well, it wasn't my intention to start a debate about abortion because that is not the issue per se. I was trying to point out that the OP does have some grounds for feeling he was misled and now has no choice but to be a biological father and pay child support whereas a woman does have that choice. Simply attacking him without recognising those feelings he has probably won't help the situation.

 

But even if he does have the right to feel aggrieved none of that is the child's fault. And whether children are wanted or not, they deserve two loving parents who not only support them financially but in every other way that parents owe them. It is a tragedy that so many children are denied that for whatever reason and personally I think it wrong to walk away from a child who has done nothing other than be born to a parent who abandons them, whether that be financially or emotionally.

 

Parents make a choice to have sex and chance having children - children don't have a choice as to whether they are born.

[marinaprettyone]

money has absolutely NOTHING to do with being a good father. deadbeat dad= father who would even consider leaving a woman pregnant with his child because it does not conveniently fit within his plans to travel. You had sex with someone. Birth control isn't failproof. You are now a father, based upon the choices YOU made. Whether or not your wife deceived you, you made the conscious choice NOT to use your OWN method of birth control, and you made a conscious choice to have sex. Babies do not appear out of thin air. Shame on you, you are the epitome of a deadbeat dad.

[Daddy Bear]

Well, it wasn't my intention to start a debate about abortion because that is not the issue per se. I was trying to point out that the OP does have some grounds for feeling he was misled and now has no choice but to be a biological father and pay child support whereas a woman does have that choice. Simply attacking him without recognising those feelings he has probably won't help the situation.

 

 

oh, yikes... the last thing i want is to start a conversation on the morality of abortion, and i would think at least twice before attempting to debate you on anything, DN, as you are unquestionably wiser than i. let me hasten to add that i sympathize with TexasNative and support whatever decision he makes regarding his dilemma. the only point that i was clumsily trying to convey was that i felt that, in the hypothetical, it would be blurring the distinction between the male apple and the female orange to suggest that the latter does not shoulder a greater burden in the event of a pregnancy. nothing else was intentionally implied, specifically the false notion that a man who is paying reasonable child support is shirking his responsibility to his child. i have come to realize in being an active member of ENA that it is not always best to keep alive a marriage that is not fulfilling to one partner or the other.

 

please accept my apology for the ambiguity of my previous statement and my thanks for the opportunity to set the record straight.

[redandblack]

We have travelled extensively and that has been my passion for as long as I can remember. The type of travel that we do cannot be conducted with a kid in tow.

 

I know a man who raised his child while traveling through Africa. He traveled and after the child was born he lived in a villiage in Malawi among the chiniyanja for an extended period of time.

 

I feel really sorry for you. However, what would you do if she had stayed on the pill and she ended up getting pregnant. Same thing? Just something to think about. I hope you "step up to the plate" financially. Everything else is your choice. Goodluck

[southerngirl]

Something I thought about. Did she actually tell you that she has stopped taking the pill. Or did you come to this conclusion based on the pregnancy?

[justpaisley]

I am 35 years old and I am a former US Marine who served in the first Gulf War and participated in other armed conflicts around the world during this time. In that time, I committed what I feel to be atrocious acts and took the lives of others. For these acts, I feel nothing. No guilt, no remorse, no repent.

 

Listen, man, it was kill or be killed over there. Do you think that if you had been killed, the person that killed you should feel remorse? You acted in self-defense, and the fact that you feel no remorse over having done what you did is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If someone broke into your house and threatened you and your wife, would you feel remorse over shooting that person first? It's also no reason to say that you can't be a good father. I have several Marine friends who also show no remorse for their actions, and 2 of them are fathers, and fantastic at it.

 

I'm inclined to think there's something else - what kind of person was your father? Was he a deadbeat dad? You don't have to continue that legacy. You can love this child.

 

In regards to traveling, I think it's one of the best things a child can do to gain independence, tolerance, and respect for other cultures. Bringing up a child in a travel-heavy environment is a wonderful thing, so having that baby won't bring your traveling days to a stop.

 

I do commend you for getting the vasectomy. Pardon the expression, but it takes a lot of balls for you to do something like that. Most men wouldn't let anyone snip at their soldiers, rather forcing their wives into a prescription hormone future.

 

I would recommend that you and your wife get counseling. You love her, but you have both been disrespectful to one another, and she has been deceitful to you. You're understandably and rightfully shocked at her deceit, but you can be a good father, you can love this baby. You say you want to leave her so she can find someone to love and take care of both her and this baby - but what in the meantime? She's pregnant - the stress of a divorce could wreak havoc on her especially since she thinks that what she did was in both of your best interests. Also, this baby is going to need money, and love, and support, and a strong father figure until she finds someone to love her and the baby, and like it or not, that remains your responsibility. And trust me, after watching my mom go through the dating world, it's not easy for a single mom to find love.

 

You're so scared of becoming a deadbeat dad - don't do it before the baby's born. Your wife needs you right now, and this baby needs you. It would be so much more responsible and respectable for you to stick around - at least for a little while - than it would to just up and leave at the most crucial time in your wife's pregnancy.

 

Good luck to you - I wish you all the best.

[SwtMary]

I could say that having a child could change your mind but no matter what we say on here, you are not going to change your mind about wanting to be a dad. That is something you will find out on your own. All I can say is that like many others I feel for this child. I do think that many people on here are putting too much of an emphasis on money. I get money from my son's dad but that doens't in NO way make him a good father. As a matter of fact, having to pay child support makes him a worse father because he takes that out on his son. I would say leave. If you stay you will grow to hate your wife and what she has done. It is a tough situation all together and like others, I wish you good luck!