Does he just want s*x - if so, why does he make such an effort??

[luxe_13]

I'm seeing a guy who I really like. He invites me to dinners at beautiful restaurants organises amazing weekends away and makes love to me like ...he's in love! H e treats me with respect, we joke around with each other - it's great. But in between these dates the contact is very minimal. Sometimes he doesn't even reply to my emails or texts (which I try to keep to a minimum as to not seem deperate). I am starting to feel a bit used. What is his deal? I know he is busy (he has a very full-on job) but I think he should be contacting me alot more. If he just wants to sleep with me and doesn't want a proper relationship, then why bother with all the other stuff?

does this seem to you all like he just wants s*x or is he just a bad communicator?

[Cyberchick]

Hmmm... How long have you been seeing each other? Maybe you should talk to him, find out where his head is at. His no contact in the week could be a way for him to keep things casual between you two. If I was in your situation, I would probably be confused too.

[xmrth]

I don't think it's because he just wants you for sex, and I stand strongly behind that statement based on what you're saying here.

 

He invites me to dinners at beautiful restaurants organises amazing weekends away and makes love to me like ...he's in love! H e treats me with respect, we joke around with each other - it's great.

 

Some guys just don't like the phone, or the E-Mail, or the instant messengers, or the text messaging... life happens, work happens...

 

You say the contact is minimal but only with responding to E-Mails and texts... but what about the phone? I wouldn't hold it against him if he's not replying to E-Mails and texts unless that is for whatever reason, your only method of contact in a whole DAY, maybe. But not in a range of hours...

 

In more detail, how much contact do you want with him versus what he's giving you?

[luxe_13]

I've known him for a couple of months and we've been on about 5 dates and 2 weekends away.

Do I need to call him and be more forward or should I just play it out, accept it for what it is and wait until he makes contact again?

[arwen]

He sounds like a guy that likes 'the hunt'. I think if someone's really into you, they would at least respond to texts.

[luxe_13]

I haven't tried calling him 'cause I think that if he is too busy to reply to an email or a text then how could he be free to talk on the phone?

Whenever he makes contact, it is by text and email too so he msut prefer it.

I would personally rather talk to him on the phone.

I usually contact him after a date etc. to thank him for a lovely time etc. (as he usually pays for everything).

 

Do you think I should just be more pro-active and just call him when i feel like it?

 

Where do i draw the line between showing him I'm keen and coming off as desperate/clingy?

[xmrth]

Yes I think you should call him when you feel it's necessary.

If this is the other way around with phone and texting/E-Mails, in that case he probably doesn't like to get hung up and likes to be able to reply when he gets a chance. But if he's not answering them, maybe he is just getting tired with it (physicality of the phone and computer).

Personally, I can't stand the informality of texting and E-Mailing. I use it only when something's more urgent and I can't get in contact on a cell or something like that.

 

Maybe you just need to ease him on into the phone since that's what you're preferring. I don't think it's showing you're desperate or clingy, unless you're calling him constantly, but the fact is you're not calling him at all!

 

My boyfriend hates the phone, so we compromised on how often he calls and I just say okay, I'll give you a call the other times. So then he's doing a fair amount of initiating the phone calls just as I am for during the week as I see him weekends.

I think you'll find it easier to set something up, if need be, when you actually start being the one to call and seeing where that goes.

 

I really don't know how much this has to do with only knowing him a couple months and 5 dates... 2 weekends away... for some that's pretty intimate pretty quick with the weekends away, but then again the 5 dates makes it seem like it's still really early on. I feel like that's going somewhere but I'm just not sure where yet. How do you feel about how much you know eachother? Do you feel it's necessary to talk to know eachother more or just for keeping in touch only?

[luxe_13]

 

How do you feel about how much you know eachother? Do you feel it's necessary to talk to know eachother more or just for keeping in touch only?

 

I feel as though I get to know him a little more each time I see him, I tend to ask alot of questions and he doesn't appear to be holding back or hiding anything from me. That's what makes me feel like there must be something there.

 

I don't expect him to be calling everyday or anything. I just need to feel like I am not being brushed off.

I am not expecting a full on relationship, I just need to feel like it's more than s*x.

 

I am happy to call him more often aslong as he isn't going to think I am being clingy?? I amalready paranoid enough by the fact that he sometimes doesn't respond to me.

[xmrth]

I think it would be a good idea to relax more about not getting responded to via texts and E-Mails. Really because of the informality, and I think a lot of it too is when someone reads an E-Mail or a text message, and they don't get a chance to respond to it right away.

When a person doesn't have the time they can be perfectly willing to reply. But then when they have the time, they aren't really in the mood to respond because they've already been there and thought about it.

Not everyone is like that, but a lot of people are, including myself. That's really just a thought.

 

If he wasn't returning your phone calls though, that is a little different. If you're not feeling like you seem clingy with the texts and E-mails, which take more effort because you're physically sitting down typing or pulling out your phone to select all those little letters, you shouldn't be so afraid to give him a phone call. You know what I mean? If he's not finding you clingy already, he's not going to by you giving him a call. I can understand because it's far more personal maybe you feel that makes it more easy to seem clingy, but I think it will answer a lot of your questions about his intentions, which I still don't believe is wanting you just for sex, but just a communication issue. Just remember, it takes two, you know?

[Siriana]

I have an idea? Why don't you act the way you want without worrying what he wants? If you want to call him, call him in the evening after work. You will see how he reacts, and if you don't like it dump him. Don't worry too much and stop walking on eggs around him. Act the way you want to, ask what you think you deserve, and if he can't do that just dump him. Don't stay around for too long if you don't know where you're standing at because it will be harder to leave if he's not the good one for you.

[SilverManic]

You need to be yourself because if you don't it's not gonna be good later on in the relationship. Feel comfortable with what you want to do. Stop worrying about all the little repecutions because trust me if your gonna spend forever with this guy you don't want to be worrying about that type of stuff.

~S.

[luxe_13]

All this advice is great - thanks so much. Being on this forum really helps to see the situation for what it is. it's good to get unbiased opinions.

So I think I will just call him and see how he sounds - happy to hear from me, indifferent etc. If he sounds happy to hear from me, i think i will just get used to being more forward with the contact.

I think what I need from him is just a bit more contact. and i guess i need to either accept that he's not great at doing this or tell him i need more from him.

I have never been in such a weird position before!

[Day_Walker]

He is taking you to beautiful restaurants and organizes amazing weekends and you still feel used? Im sure that you could feel that way and if you are then dont go out with him anymore.

[jabele]

Would you feel comfortable bringing these issues up to him?

 

Possibly open with: "so hey, I was just wondering....are you not a phone person..." or "do you prefer "spending time" as opposed to chatting on the phone?"

 

Maybe you can gauge his style...it does sound more like a style thing...some guys will call constantly, and others, well, not at all. I guess he's a 'not at all' kind of guy...

 

However, if it's something thats important to you -- and you tell him that it would mean something to you...he'll make the effort to call/write if he cares about you.

[luxe_13]

I feel used cause it's all on when we're together but when we're not he doesn't bother to contact me for ages and at the moment isn't even replying to my texts. So it's kind of making me feel like he just contacts me when he wants booty - but i guess the fact that he puts effort into these dates etc. makes it confusing. Maybe just an expensive booty call? I don't know! I've never been in this sort of situation before. The only time I have been spoilt so much in the past was when a guy had really really liked me (like "i wanna spend the rest of my life with you" liked me).

 

I don't know if each time he doesn't call, he is giving me the brush off and then caves when i contact him or he is just really a bit of a loner and doesn't feel the need to have alot of contact with me?

 

hmmm.

[Dating Coach]

Is he married? Have you been to his house?

[luxe_13]

Is he married? Have you been to his house?

 

No, definitely not married. I have been to his house many times. I don't think he is the kind of guy who has a lot of girls around. He is a bit of a loner if anything.

[btbt]

I wouldn't invest too much meaning in the fact that he sets up elaborate dates -- they are not hard to do (a call to make a reservation, a call to the travel agent, or maybe he has an assistant who does all this stuff). Sounds like a guy who has all the outward stuff put together but is not very good at the emotional stuff. Worst case scenario: his is using you and just happens to know how to charm a lady. Best case scenario: he does really like you but is not good at communication or responding to your needs. If the latter, and if you guys get into a long term relationship, is that something you could handle? I'm of the mind that the dating stage is where a guy puts his best foot forward, so if he's lacking now, when things get more comfortable he probably get worse, not better, about the communication. The bottom line is that if you are comfortable with this level of dating, go for it, but if it's making you uneasy, you should trust your instincts. I'd rather go out with a guy in sweatpants who takes me to Pizza Hut, but who knows to call etc. etc.

[doyathink]

Could be a "friends with benefits" thing for him. He may enjoy doing things with you because you enjoy the same interests but maybe he isn't ready for a real relationship yet, not ready to take it to the next level. Has he just got out of one recently?

[luxe_13]

Could be a "friends with benefits" thing for him. He may enjoy doing things with you because you enjoy the same interests but maybe he isn't ready for a real relationship yet, not ready to take it to the next level. Has he just got out of one recently?

 

No I don't think he's a had a girlfriend for awhile. I do know that he lived with his last girlfriend though which i guess is pretty full on. Maybe he is enjoying being alone more now. I know that one of the issues with his last girlwas that he had a bit of trouble sharing his space ( a mutual work friend told me he said that). I think he is a person who likes his own company.

I can live with that, but I still think that if you like someone, you want to talk to them and be around them lots?

 

I am cool if he likes to be on his own alot and do his own thing (aslong as it doesn't involve screwing around with other girls!) but I do expect a certain amout of communication if hed like to keep seeing me.

 

Do you think it would be too full on for me to start being a little more pro-active in calling him or would that scare him off do you think? Maybe he just needs a nudge in the right direction?

[luxe_13]

But why bother setting up elaborate dates if you're not into it? Surely it's much easier to go to a bar and pick someone up there? He's a pretty good looking guy, I'm sure he wouldn't have much trouble. I don't gettit

[SilverManic]

I'd definatly say to leave it a bit longer. Be more forward with your contact. I know it's hard but as long as your not contacting him every day it should be fine. Example I like a guy right now although I want to keep contact with him so he won't lose interest compelatly and get over that 'stage' I don't want to smother him.

 

Sometimes I'll just send him a text message saying 'hi, how are you. I've been doing blah and blah. Really busy. Take care and speak to you soon' That basically lets him know your busy, you were thinking about him. I'll maybe do that if I haven't seen him online for 2 or 3 days. If we didn't get time to talk on messanger about much detail I'll send him an email.

 

Past 3 days we haven't been able to talk in much depth as his parents and sibblings have been about and he's been asking me what I want to do when I go over. College work etc is getting in the way. He could genrally be busy with work and could be working on himself.

 

I think contacting him every 2-3 days is fine. Just read over what ever you say before you send it and think 'how am I coming accross here' you don't want to sound needy but you don't want to be thinking.. I really didn't convey my feelings enough with that sentance.

 

It's a case of trial and error. If he reacts badly to that type of contact then back off. If he responds to it then continue. Sorry I refer to myself as a guide line from my own experiences.

 

I hope this helps some,

Take care,

~S.

[btbt]

Re: setting up dates of just picking up someone at a bar -- you can't guess his motives. He's doing what he's doing and you have to figure out what you want to do about it. In my opinion, it's easier to hang out with someone that you know, go to nice dates (because he enjoys nice restaurants too), then go to bars and meet total strangers for one-night stands. Anyway, forget about trying to read his mind. Ask him what's up.

[luxe_13]

Well... I just tried calling him and got his voicemail. Hope I didn't sound like to much of a numpty! I said "Hi.... it's .... give me a call when you get this, ok speak to you soon!"

I feel so sick now. I know I needed to call but now wish I hadn't. What if he doesn't call back. I feel like such a loser

[Batya33]

I don't understand why he is the "bad guy" here - is it that you think he owes you more contact or more of a relationship because you are having sex with him? Did you discuss before having sex with him your expectations if you did have sex with him (i.e. more communication). Also, if it bothers you, why do you continue to say yes to him when he calls and why do you continue to see him? Think of it this way - if you are comfortable enough to have him inside your body, try to be comfortable enough to tell him what your expectations are.

 

I think it is totally fine if he calls you only when he wants to go on a date and have sex - nothing wrong with that and since you say yes, he can assume you are fine with the level/degree of contact. He may be a slow mover or he may be perfectly happy to plan lovely evenings out and then make love to you and afterwards go back to his daily life without including you in it. The only issue is that you are not fine with this and he cannot read your mind.

 

Also, since you see that you are not comfortable with this maybe - if you don't keep seeing him - it is something to keep in mind for next time -- that you get attached from sex and develop additional expectations. What works for me is to wait several months at least before having sex and only have sex once we are in a committed, loving, exclusive relationship. I have dated men in the way you are dating this guy but have not had sex and that keeps me less vulnerable and more comfortable with a casual dating relationship. That's just how it works for me . ..

 

Good luck!