Breaking Up - Some ideas to protect yourself

[melrich]

Over the past 4 years on eNotalone I have read 1000s of posts about the aftermath of a relationship break up.

 

A theme common to so many of them is something along the lines of "He/she was my everything, I can't be happy without him/her, I don't know what to do without him/her, we did everything together."

 

Usually these are issues that we don't have to confront until the relationship is over. I may be stating the bleeding obvious here but I think there are a few things you can do to 1. give the relationship you are in the best chance of succeeding and 2. soften the impact if the relationship does fail.

 

This is not about planning for failure. Any relationship you enter into is a risk. Humans are complex. They do not behave according to strict rules and formulas. This is about not investing all your eggs in one basket.

 

So my simple guidelines to assist this, mainly gleaned from various posters advices in these forums, are:

 

1.Be responsible for your own happiness, don't abbrogate that responsibility to someone else.

 

2.Maintain your independence in some way (friends or interests).

 

3.Where applicable maintain some financial independence.

 

4.Make sure you have a balance between "you" time and "couple" time.

 

5.Ensure you keep your identity as an individual. Don't allow yourself to become known only as "the boyfriend and the girlfriend".

 

6.Don't ever rely on your partner to manage your life.

 

 

We spend so much time here picking up the pieces after the event. I hope this helps some of us to start thinking about how we might improve our relationships and soften the blow if the worst ever happens.

 

I am sure others could think of ideas to add to this list.

[FCTex]

I agree totally with this..

 

Another thing to think is that you CAN live without someone. You did it before them and you can do it without them..

 

But foremost, I think the list is right on. By doing so, you:

 

1. Keep your relationship lively, and interesting.

2. You keep YOUR life interesting.

3. You don't become clingy, and life sucking.

4. You can easy back away because your life hasn't become One.

5. The issues of stuffy relationships, and putting so much "work" into a "short period" isn't there. You no longer wear out your welcome, so to speak.

6. Should you break up/have problems, your already at a good footing to be alone. It's not as hard because you've kept a good portion of you intact, and you have less of you to reconstruct after the mess.

 

 

Great Post. I couldn't agree me, and I think many can see, this all learned though hindsight, and is worth more than you think.

[renaissancewoman101]

These are all great ideas. The next relationship I get into, I will be sure to keep them in mind.

 

Another idea I want to add is: be sure to keep your own opinions and thoughts and expressions and dont think that you have to always agree with your SO. Being different adds spice to the relationship.

[tylercdurden2004]

Great post Mel! And FC I would have to agree with the outcome of following Mels "RULES". I think it something that only comes with having serious alone time with yourself. PERSONAL REFLECTION.

[xmrth]

I completely agree with all of those rules, they are right on the money with what needs to be considered and made critical in relationships for them to work, as well as for as you posted.

[Dako]

Good points all. They're also beneficial if for some reason the relationship lasts a long time. I think they'd contribute to a more solid relationship.

[itsallgrand]

Excellent stuff. I would add:

 

* Do not put more into the relationship than you could handle to lose in the blink of an eye. Give only what you can - and take the word 'sacrifice' out of your vocabulary. No 'score-sheets'!

[Jjasonn28]

1.Be responsible for your own happiness, don't abbrogate that responsibility to someone else.

 

6.Don't ever rely on your partner to manage your life.

 

I cannot stress enough how important these two are. I have been there, and lost a love because I became complacent in that she and my relationship with her was the center of my happyness. I had been ignorant to love in letting these thoughts guide my life. It was a mistake. Something that I have learned from and will take with me as I move forward.

[melrich]

she and my relationship with her was the center of my happyness.

 

I think that is almost the number one issue people have when a break up happens. They have linked their identity, their sense of well being, their self-esteem and their happiness to the relationship. They have let the relationship define them.

[tylercdurden2004]

I cannot stress enough how important these two are. I have been there, and lost a love because I became complacent in that she and my relationship with her was the center of my happyness. I had been ignorant to love in letting these thoughts guide my life. It was a mistake. Something that I have learned from and will take with me as I move forward.

 

Thats excellent mate. An excellent insight. Now only if you can get the leafs into the playoffs next year you will be on the path to recovery!

[teacup]

very good post. i agree.

[onmyownagain]

I still think too much is made of being indepentant of each other, why can't you wrap your lives around each other? I know there is a risk things might go wrong (I know, happened to me recently) but isn't that what love/marriage is all about? Taking the risk and giving your all to your partner?

 

I am not saying never do anything without the other because we don't all share the same hobbies etc. But I love to spend most of my spare time with my wife/daughter.

[xmrth]

I still think too much is made of being indepentant of each other, why can't you wrap your lives around each other? I know there is a risk things might go wrong (I know, happened to me recently) but isn't that what love/marriage is all about? Taking the risk and giving your all to your partner?

 

I am not saying never do anything without the other because we don't all share the same hobbies etc. But I love to spend most of my spare time with my wife/daughter.

 

I think that goes hand in hand with having "couple time" and away time. I used to strive for wrapping myself and my life around my boyfriend until I saw that was absolutely not living life. I'm seeing the negative side of that in other couples around me.

 

But with a family that is a lot different as a child needs loving and togetherness within the family. I really don't know how much time in a family that should be spent separate but I imagine time away sometimes is fine.

[melrich]

I am not saying never do anything without the other because we don't all share the same hobbies etc. But I love to spend most of my spare time with my wife/daughter.

 

Me too. But I also know it's important that my partner and I have time and interests outside our little core family. For me that means going to watch my team play every second weekend (and working), for her it is about a girl's night out every second week. It's not much but it is enough.

 

It's not all about time either. It is about maintaining your identity as an independent person and there are many ways to do that aside from just time apart.

[foriamrin]

that needed to be said and youre just the guy for the job

 

i think ill talk about this with my gf, cause were kinda mutually obsessive/into each other too much

[Dako]

1.Be responsible for your own happiness, don't abbrogate that responsibility to someone else.

2.Maintain your independence in some way (friends or interests).

3.Where applicable maintain some financial independence.

4.Make sure you have a balance between "you" time and "couple" time.

5.Ensure you keep your identity as an individual. Don't allow yourself to become known only as "the boyfriend and the girlfriend".

6.Don't ever rely on your partner to manage your life.

 

It dawned on me that these six things are often severely restricted in an abusive relationship. If you have an SO that keeps you from enjoying these individual freedoms, look out!

 

In a healthy relationship you should also encourage these traits in your partner, so if you leave, die or get beamed up to the mother ship, they aren't shattered more than need be.

[deejay74]

 

1.Be responsible for your own happiness, don't abbrogate that responsibility to someone else.

 

2.Maintain your independence in some way (friends or interests).

 

3.Where applicable maintain some financial independence.

 

4.Make sure you have a balance between "you" time and "couple" time.

 

5.Ensure you keep your identity as an individual. Don't allow yourself to become known only as "the boyfriend and the girlfriend".

 

6.Don't ever rely on your partner to manage your life.

 

 

i made ALL of these "mistakes" and i am so upset i had to lose someone i loved to realize this. especially 1, 2, and 4.

[melrich]

i made ALL of these "mistakes" and i am so upset i had to lose someone i loved to realize this. especially 1, 2, and 4.

 

But that is a positive deejay, if you learned something that is positive. For all the advice you may get, including in here, the best teacher is experience.