The guy I dated was looking for girls on match. I dumped him. Right decision?

[DanielleLA]

Well, this is a little long, I know. Sorry.

 

I met a guy on link removed 3 weeks ago. He emailed me a lot, was very sweet and we met a week later. Our first date was great and we both thought that we had great chemistry. We slept together on our second date and we both said that we are dating. I trusted him and I thought he liked me but I was a little suspicious because he still logged on to several different dating sites every day. When I mentioned it jokingly he said that he just does it when he gets an email from there to his regular account. He said that he isn't actively looking because he already found the best girl on there.

 

On our last date on Friday he told me that he had missed me and that he likes me. We had a great time and he asked me to spend the night because he likes waking up next to me. We had a great night and a great next day.

Well, when I got home I saw that he was online again. We had just slept together again and I had just left an hour ago. It really hurt me and I thought now I just have to know. So I signed up on Match, created a fake profile without a picture and emailed him an innocent little "Hey, how is it going?"

 

He emailed right back. I told him that I have to ask him right away if he is currently single and completely unattached since I've heard some bad stories. I asked him to be honest and even if he is seeing someone it's ok and we can still chat. His reply was that he is "very much single". He said that he's been out on 1 date with someone a week ago (lie), that the date wasn't great and that he just isn't feeling the chemistry ( * * *?). I emailed him back and told him about a story that I heard about a guy who just had sex with the girl he was dating and went right back on match after she left. His reply was that he agrees that this was bad on that guy's part but that he doesn't compare to him (!!) and that she doesn't have to worry. He said it was just one date and he didn't have sex. (!!)

 

I was shocked. I stopped by at his place that same evening to dump him. I told him that I can't do this because I can't trust him. He was totally hurt and shocked. He said that we had such a great time and that he thought we are dating and everything was going great. I didn't say what I did because I wanted to hear what he had to say first. I only said that my intuition tells me that he is looking around for other girls. He said that he has never given me any reason not to trust him, that he was always available when I called and wanted to see him or when I just stopped by. He also said that it's Saturday night and he is home (I was on my way to a party and just stopped by to dump him) and if he wanted to meet girls he would be out there.

 

He also said that he tried but can't take his profile off match (yeah, sure) and that his membership expires in May anyway. And that he trusts me too when I go out without him all the time. He said that lack of trust is a big issue and that he thinks if I don't trust him now I never will. He told me again about how he has been cheated on and hurt in the past and that he wouldn't do that himself.

 

He said that if we are still together in a while from now we will have a committed relationship since he is into committments and not casual things (it's true, he always had long-term relationships and has even been married, but his ex-gfs and even his wife cheated on him). He said he would fight for me but he thinks if I don't trust him there isn't really anything he can do. He looked me straight in the eye and said all those things and I don't know why but I thought I'll give him another chance. Before I left we said that our status hasn't changed and that we'll just take it one step at a time and that we would talk on the phone the next day (he made me promise to call him).

 

The next day he sent an email to this girl (me) saying that she doesn't have to worry anymore because he and that girl he was on that date with decided that they were in a different place and now they won't be seeing each other anymore. He asked her if she was still interested and said that he hopes to hear from hear soon. * * *?!

 

So I thought that's it. I called him, he didn't pick up, I didn't leave a message and he didn't call me back although he knew it was me and we had said that we would talk on the phone. So I sent him an email again from that fake girls email account on match and this time I revealed that it's me. I reminded him of the things he told that girl and how he lied about me. I called him a liar a bunch of times and made it clear how disgusted I am. The email sounded very final and didn't ask for a response.

 

Well, and now I'm sitting here wondering if I did the right thing. I felt that he liked and me and I thought we had something special going on. Maybe he was just flirting around to get a little ego boost? He said a bunch of times that I'm out of his league (which is kind of true, haha) and that he was so lucky that he met me and I don't think he was really looking for someone better than me. But then again chances are high that this wasn't the only time since he is on a few sites and he emailed back to that girl (me) right away and pretended to be single and all that without even having seen a pic of her.

 

Should I have been more tolerant since it's only been 3 weeks of dating? We never said that we were exclusive. He just said that he isn't actively looking for someone else, that he likes me, that I'm fun and that he can't wait to see me again and I believed him. Should I have sat down and talk to him about what I found out and given him a chance to explain and apologize?

 

I mean it would have been ok for me if he had told me that he wants to keep looking and wants to keep his options open. We could have continued to date casually and I just would have stopped sleeping with him. But he lied to me about it and he lied to that other girl (me) about me to get her interested.

However, it was me who provoked it. And he probably only told that girl that it was completely over now with me because he was hurt that I don't trust him because before I told him that I don't trust him everything was perfectly ok between us (except that he had emailed that girl).

 

Did I ruin a potentially good thing? What should I do? Please help me, I feel like I can't think straight right now.

[orgasmictofu]

Normally I'd say don't try to trap someone like that.

 

But you did and now you're dealing with the consequences.

 

I think you did right by dumping him. He tells you you're great and then tries to hook up with someone else? And saying that he's very much single? That's not cool in my books and I'm pretty forgiving of a lot of crap.

 

I don't know. It just all seems fishy to me.

 

Put it behind you as experience and move on to better things.

[Goodfun88]

You are much better off without that guy. Of course what you did wasn't exactly right, but hey, better to know whats really going on than to be left wondering. If he was really into you he wouldn't be looking for anyone else.

[Belle]

Danielle,

 

Would you please read your own email and answer your question of whether or not you did the right thing? Don't be that girl that puts up with a mountain of crap and later asks how she could have stayed with such a jerk. He's a LIAR. A complete and utter LIAR. You know it in your gut but you seem to be in denial and willing to accept the responsibility for his LYING.

 

I would go no contact until.. eternity. Look for someone else that is more in your league. Also, the next time you meet a guy, please wait a while before you sleep with him. You lost your value with this guy because of it. Not that it matters because he had none to begin with. However, take your time and let them earn you. You can take your time and get to see what hte person is really like and if they're lying flake losers like this one, you can dump 'em before you begin.

[shyanne]

Normally I'd say don't try to trap someone like that.

 

that was a great idea. best way for her to find out. people lie all the time. he can't lie to her if he doesn't know it's her.

 

 

did he want to meet this other girl or just chat online? i think some guys just like to chat or get bad pictures because they're guys. guys are into that stuff or so i think. they will look at any sexy pictures women will send but doesn't mean that he would meet her for sex or want a real relationship. you should've asked him out instead of asking him if he had a girlfriend or sex with someone from there.

[Bingo72]

I would have done the same thing as you, set up a profile, emailed to see what kind of response, etc. When you meet someone you should know right away whether they give you that 'spark' or not. It shouldn't have to be something that takes that much work, my point is, if you created this 'spark' for him and if he really felt the way he told you he did about you then he would have lost interest in even reading new emails from the site. I have been a member of link removed on and off for two years and yes, you can hide your profile at anytime you want. Leave him go and chalk it up to just another experience but don't let it leave you feeling that all of them will do the same. Protect yourself at all times, if you feel need to check up on something that doesn't seem right then ususally it's not right. Trust your gut.

[annie24]

I think you both didn't do the best thing in this situation. I think sleeping with him on the 2nd date, before you really got to know him and his character was much too fast. Even though you two decided you were "dating", you didn't at all mention if you were exclusive.

 

So, I think it's fine for him to have been looking for other women online. It was still very early, and I don't see the word "exclusive" in your post.

 

Well, you found out that it wasn't exclusive by setting up the fake profile. I think that dishonesty isn't a good way to go, but there you go... now you know he is still interested and e-mailing other women. clearly that is a deal breaker for you, so breaking things off was the right decision.

 

I believe that people don't start to show their true colors until 3-4 months. In the future, don't get involved too fast, otherwise, this will just keep repeating itself.

 

good luck

[Lansing]

YUP... You did the right thing in breaking up with him for sure. However, I do agree with what Annie said. If you want things to change in your life, maybe take things slowly. Let things develop and don't just react based on chemistry. I can sense you are getting more attached to this guy because you did have sex with him. If you hadn't had sex , it would have been so much easier for you to see that this guy is a liar....

[jabele]

I most certainly don't blame you for dumping him. I'm sorry that that happened to you...

 

You can do better!

[RayKay]

I agree with Annie here, I really think you two moved very fast before you established what you WERE. It would be one thing if you slept together earlier without expectations of a relationship, however it is clear that you expected that to mean you were exclusive, and he really was not ready for that yet. And that is completely normal - it takes time to get to know someone, and you don't know them within a couple dates. A lot of people are so eager to be a couple, they don't take the time to screen people and choose the RIGHT person to be in a couple with, so they end up getting hurt or in unhealthy relationships.

 

In the future, remember that sex does not make a commitment happen, commitment happens in the heart and mind, and you can't rush that.

 

But, yes, he lied to you about not meeting others or dating others, and I definitely think that dumping him was the right thing to do based on fact he was lying to you...no one checks online dating sites several times a day unless they are looking (or trying to catch someone in the act ). Though I also think it was also wrong of you to set up a fake account to trap him. I think you could already tell he was not being honest before you set up the account, right? Your gut was telling you already - I mean after all you were the one that as soon as you got home were also on that site checking up on him, right?

[Dating Coach]

Are you serious? You absolutely did the right thing. The guy is obviously a predator. He just had you and was ready to hook up with anyone else he could. Then on top of it, he flat out lies constantly. My god sister, you shouldn't even be questioning yourself. The guy is a freaking loser.

[walkingwithaghost]

you messed it up. just forget about it. theres nothing you can do. if you apologize to him and go back to him he'll treat you like crap for a long time. he lied to you, so he was a loser anyway.

[aggierocker]

He was obviously out for the booty.

[Shesa]

You did the right thing by dumping him. Next time, don't have sex before you are exclusive. It makes things much less confusing.

 

P.S. Guys tend to want to make girls their girlfriends who don't sleep with them easily. They tend to think that you are not a * * * * and havent slept with many men if you do this. Honey, I'm not saying that you are any of the above. It's just that a majority of men think like this---so use it to your advantage.

[orgasmictofu]

It's just that a majority of men think like this---so use it to your advantage.

 

I disagree. So will many of my friends, guys and ladies.

 

I had only one boyfriend who wouldn't be with a girl if she had slept with more than a couple guys. Ideally, he wanted a virgin, but was willing to "compromise" *rolls eyes*

 

Every other guy I have dated, how many sex partners we've had haven't been qualifying questions.

 

My boyfriend right now, sex on the 3rd date, and 7 months in, neither of us know how many people the other has slept with.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

ouch! that must've stung! look, you and he got pretty serious pretty quick, physically at least. you only met him 3 weeks before, so its usually pretty natural for people to still be tying up loose ends at that point.

 

i don't feel like i should be commited to a guy who i've only met 3 weeks ago, and i don't feel like he should be commited to me yet. but in your case you guys were sleeping together already, so that confused things for you probably, and made you feel there should be some form of commitment.

 

i do understand where you're coming from though with his comment to the 'other woman' that he was very much single, when you just left his house! that would kinda suck!

 

my advice to you is this, not saying its a mortal sin to jump right in bed! just saying that if you had taken the time to get to know eachother first, then this situation might be different. or maybe you would have at least realized he was a cad before deciding whether or not to sleep with him.

 

better luck next time!

[lonelyfish]

Danielle,

 

I have to be honest as I am myself a link removed subscriber and frequent user of it's services. I can totally relate to your situation. It is very hard to seriously date a guy knowing the fact that you can see the hour once he has logged on to the link removed website. When dating people from online sites I think you have to take a carefree attititdude in the beginning of your relationship. I do see the guys I have dated online still after several dates. This is new age. Couldn't you expect before the time of online dating sites that after a few dates with a guy that he was still looking around when he's at a bar, club, school, etc. for girls that may interest him. I think you jumped the gun too fast. As you I have done the fake profile as well. The guy seemed just simply interested in getting to know someone new that may have been more of a "Match" for him and that is all. I think the next time around you should just be patient. It takes a while to make a connection with a guy and for him to think you are the one. If you have any early doubts you'll just freak him out. Best of luck and I hope that helps you out.

[sleepygirl]

you deserve better.

[Krisnakay]

Wow....The EXACT same thing happened to me..same time frame and everything..weird.I came to this site because if it.I still talk to him on the phone and thru emails but..sex is out totally.Sometimes a person can see better from the outside than the inside.So..reading your post I can see my own situation very clearly.This is what I finally decided was happening...but I only saw it after someone here posted to my post with the cruel hard facts.It was not easy to swallow but I did.He only wanted to remain friends because he had not dated much and wanted to see what was out there...What he meant was...."I think I can do better,but I think I'll have sex with you in the meantime until I find the RIGHT one"..It hurt..ALOT.So..I'm thinking..Ok I'll just stick around and after he realizes that I am the one he'll come back to me and everything will be great..yeah right.He will only get away with what you let him get away with...Don't call him,email him or have any contact with him at all and see how long it takes for him to contact you.When He does and he probably will..Mine did anyway..Only from fear of losing his favorite sex toy....Hang out with him...But Don't let him touch you in any way.In the meantime date other men.I myself have always thought that once I had sex with someone that he was mine..men don't think like we do.I have a problem Not having "feelings" for someone after we have sex ..so I decided that I will only have sex AFTER I have feelings for someone..Not before.I of course am no expert..But I am learning the hard way...Good luck to you

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I myself have always thought that once I had sex with someone that he was mine..men don't think like we do.

 

Amy Alkon wrote a great article explaining how societal pressures, norms, and double standards tie into this, and makes women feel like they 'should' want more out of a relationship than they necessarily actually do. i thought it was the most accurate and dead on account i've read. if i can find it i'll try to post it here.

 

trying to sumarize, it had to do with that you, the female, may have not really even liked the guy, but you feel like you 'should' have some feeling for eachother, in order to legitimize the sex. it has a lot to do with the double standard that men who sleep around are studs, nudged and winked at by their friends. women who sleep around are considered easy, sluts, tramps, etc. so you try to rationalize it, justify it. all this happens subconsciously of course.

[Krisnakay]

I decided that I will never be able to remain emtionally detached after sex...So..No sex til I hear the Love word and as great as Love at first sight sounds...I don't believe in it.So..after 3 dates if I hear..I love you..I won't be jumping into anyones bed.