she slept with him

[tgm410]

So my ex-girlfriend of one week decided to make out with a friend at a party a few weeks ago. I forgave her for that. But this friday a friend had told me that she was drunk one night and so was the friend that she stays with(the same guy she made out with). And of course she slept with him. She says it was a mistake and that she hasnt since but of course she decided to lie to me and hide it from me. She says she didnt tell me because she didnt want me to hurt myself or try to commit suicide because ive done it before.

 

She said before that she cares about me, that she wouldnt never try to hurt me, that she loves me and that she would never lie to me. All of that seems like BS right now. Yes she is my ex-girlfriend and she slept with him after we broke up, but it was a week after we did! What the hell, what am i supposed to think? We have many mutual friends, and right now i wish i had never meet her. So because of that im not hanging around with my other friends at all. I go to work and come home and go to sleep. Do it all over again the next day. She wants me to get out and have a life but then its just going to be like, "well i can take it, no big deal, i can brush everything off my shoulders. Any friend of mine can * * * * all over me and thats fine with me". She says we can go out and she wont be around me but that isnt going to help. Plus when i found out i probably hurt (not physically) some of our mutual friends anyways. So i dont want to be around them as they probably dont want to be around me. Yea they can forgive me but who cares. All this still happened and i dont want to deal with it. I dont want to feel like this.

 

All i see in my head now is them having sex. That is all i can think about. No i dont need to go to therapy or councelling. But i cant go on living like this.

[CarterJonas]

Sorry to hear what you are going through, but remember that no-one is worth your life.

 

Try and put this episode behind you and move on to bigger and better things.

 

good luck

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome!

 

I am so sorry about your breakup. But she is your ex GF and she is allowed to have sex with anyone whom she pleases, even the next day. I know this hurts but you do not have control over anything she does from now on.

 

My advice is to refrain grilling her for information about her private life and asking mutual friends for tidbits as well. You are digging for pain my friend. Do you have another set of friends to hang out with for the time being? Hang in there, the pain will go away. Take care.

[tylercdurden2004]

Dude shes your EX, yup thats right your EX she dont owe you nothin' so let it go and quit acting like a jealous fool. Yeah maybe she set up this relationship with the friend before hand, mayeb it was just a fling, maybe he is trying to talk her into it cause he knows shes on the rebound. But at the end of the day what does it matter to you. You are finished with her. Deal widit.

[heloladies21]

Your feelings are normal, but the best thing you can do at this point is to cut contact with her and have your friends refrain from making any mention of her current situation.

 

As for you, going home and sulking will only make the recovery take longer. Best thing to do would be to go hang out with your friends as much as you can and start talking ot other girls asap. You might have to force yourself, but do this if you wanna feel better.

[tgm410]

Ok, no, you guys are right. Shes my ex. If the second after we break up, she goes and screws someone else. Its fine, i should have no emotional attatchment to her whatsoever. Hell i can go screw her best friend right now. She shouldnt get mad then right?

 

The fact is, is that i would never dream of doing something like that to her. So shame on me believe she wouldnt do it to me.

 

Ill act happy and like nothing happened. Only way to get through this i guess. Since we werent together, i shouldnt be feeling this anyways.

[CarterJonas]

Ok, no, you guys are right. Shes my ex. If the second after we break up, she goes and screws someone else. Its fine, i should have no emotional attatchment to her whatsoever. Hell i can go screw her best friend right now. She shouldnt get mad then right?

 

The fact is, is that i would never dream of doing something like that to her. So shame on me believe she wouldnt do it to me.

 

Ill act happy and like nothing happened. Only way to get through this i guess. Since we werent together, i shouldnt be feeling this anyways.

 

Of course it is not fine to you as you've probably invested a lot of time and effort in that relationship nd you are understandably upset, as a lot of us have been on this forum.

 

But in the end you cannot control the actions of other people. Saying that you wouldn't do something doesn't mean that others won't do it to you. That's why you have to look after No 1 - you.

 

It will be difficult and you will be upset but as people have posted you have to move on.

[majord23]

tgm,

I don't think anyone is saying that you shouldn't be hurt by this - not at all. It's a horrible thing to be exposed to, especially in light of the perception your ex left you with (in terms of her caring for you). They are just saying that she isn't committed to you, and so 'technically' isn't doing anything wrong. That doesn't cushion the blow, I know, but it does put a *tiny* bit of perspective on it...if only a tiny one.

 

I suspect (to the point of knowing) that my ex jumped into bed with a guy very soon after we broke-up. Now I was angry, hurt and in disbelief....but I knew that she had done nothing wrong. It didn't make me feel any better, but it did allow me to see her in a whole new light (let's just say that it wasn't a good one, and the noun that I used to describe her started with an 's' )

 

You need to avoid getting this kind of information in future though. I would be angry at her friend (if her friend volunteered the info to you) as no good could come from it apart from your hurt.

 

You have every right to be hurt and angry mate - I would be....but if there was a 'break-up court', she would have the 'law' on her side.

[jabele]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

I'm seeing the same thing happen with a roommate and her ex boyfriend (who I'm also friends with). She told him that she hooked up with one of my friends and now all he sees is the two of them together.

 

Did she come right out and tell you, or did you ask her or something?

[tgm410]

In my last post im not trying to be mean, im sorry if i came out like that. In my origional post my main concern was about how to deal with this so i can go on being how i was before. Cause all i feel like now is that i should just stay home. Things happen when im out trying to have a good time.

 

I know we werent together. That is above all most what i hear. "You guys werent together, she can do what she wants". I know that. Its just the fact that she would do this, she would risk our friendship for one night - and lied to me about it. Not even hiding it. I can understand that if i dont ask, she doesnt need to tell. But when i do, dont lie to my face, especially after i specifically told her that if she did lie to me about something like this, a few days before she did, that we wont be friends. It just makes me feel that she cares more about * * * *ing someone than our friendship.

 

The friend that told me is a mutual friend of ours. Its one of her best friends, in our "group of friends" and also one of mine. She didnt volunteer her thoughts. I asked for them, i would rather know what is going on behind my back that be the stupid puppy dog in the corner that doesnt know anything.

 

Am i supposed to just say, "ok you slept with someone. bothers and hurts me but whatever". and go on like nothing happened? Because if i want to act normal again, thats the only thing i believe that needs to happen.

[majord23]

tgm

I'll play devil's advocate here and say that if I broke up with someone and slept with someone else...I would probably lie about it too.

 

1. To preserve their feelings

2. Because it would make me look like a complete %$£$ if I were to admit it.

 

I know you don't see it now, but finding this out could be a blessing in disguise. The hurt and anger you are feeling right now should be used as a catalyst to go NC (for a while at least). If you are strong enough to carry on as if nothing has happened....then do so, but with the knowledge that you are putting yourself at risk of going through this same situation again.

 

Blowing up at her will probably make you feel gratified short-term but will do nothing for you in the long run. I would take the high road here - tell your ex that you were hurt by her actions, although she is within her rights to do whatever/whoever she wants....but that you are walking away from her regardless.

 

NC for a a few days to at least get your head together mate - and then decide if you want to put yourself back in the line of fire or walk away and start to heal.

[tgm410]

Thank you for your help. Im assuming NC meants to not call, am i right?

 

She knows that she hurt me and if she had the chance to take it back she probably would as she said she regretted it. I believe im just going to tell her what people have told me. I know she has a right to do whatever she wants. Im here because im trying to cope with the future. So if i ever want to be happy again, i will have to deal with this and get back to normal. It will be much harder if she isnt a friend of mine because we share way to many friends. So for me to move on, the easiest thing for me to do is to be the in-the-dark ex b/f and not care. She did it, we werent together, so alright.

 

Thanks all for your help.

[majord23]

NC means "No Contact"...no calls, emails, meeting up etc.

 

It's hard if you guys share mutual friends, but yeah, you have to be the 'in-the-dark' ex bf. Avoid her as much as possible but don't put good friendships at risk as a result (if that makes sense).

 

As cliched as it sounds, if you want to be happy again - you need to give yourself time. In my, and alot of other people's experience on the board, that time is best served without any contact with your ex. If you *can* avoid her, do it. View any info about her as poison and keep it in a locked cupboard out of reach

 

You can certainly tell her that you know what she did (if that's what you choose to do) and how it made you feel but I would avoid getting angry with her and confronting her - it just gives her the opportunity to use the "I'm single and can do whatever I like" defence.

 

Again mate - cut contact for a few days (at least), get your thoughts together, and then decide if you want to make 'No Contact' permanent - ultimately, it is the quickest way to get you back to your happy self again.

[GottaLetItBurn]

You know what, It used to bother me to think about a girl I once was close to being with someone else but me. Then it was like, I don't care if she has sex with every guy on the planet. That's her choice, all that is, is desperation on her part is what it sounds like in this case.

 

I think if you can lose the possesive mind state like she is only allowed to be yours you will learn a lot. SO many guys even me at one point have this idea that the girl can never mess with anyone.

 

The whole idea is really rediculous, it's like you think she is giving away something sacred. It's just sex, and it's happening somewhere in the world every second, so what if she is having it with someone else.

 

Unless you are together don't even worry about it. It's all instant gratification anyway, so if she doesn't really love him then she'll feel like * * * * later and that's her problem.

 

There's always a better girl, always.

[kadvati79]

I really dislike the concept of "owning" someone and that when you love someone and they love you back, they are somehow bound to you and "owe" you themselves. I never liked that concept. I wrote a non-sending letter to my ex to ease my own mind the other night, and in it i wrote:

 

"To have you in my arms would make me the happiest man in the world. But what a cruel and underserving man I would be, to deprive you of the chance to be young. To be yourself. And to deprive the world, and others, of experiencing you."

[Belle]

Icemoto,

 

I wish I had your ability to detach. I wonder if you've studied zen buddhism.

[GottaLetItBurn]

I'm with Icemotoboy, I hate when a guy thinks he ownes a girl. I will NEVER let a guy say something to me like stay away from his girl because she is his.

 

I will just tell him the truth, that she won't stop talking to me, he needs to talk to her. Guys who are possesive only smother themselves and their relationship.

 

I guess most realize that only in time and when looking at the down fall of their relationship.

[kadvati79]

Icemoto,

 

I wish I had your ability to detach. I wonder if you've studied zen buddhism.

 

I have tried to hate in my life a few times. Heck I was in the Air Force for five years! But I actually find the whole concept of hate and anger as counter-productive. When you get angry at someone is it BECAUSE you care. Have you ever yelled at family member in anger? Said terrible things? Its because you care, and because they may have hurt you, that you get angry.

 

Eventually once the anger fades you have to deal with the fact you still care about them, and that you have now said some terrible things.

 

My love for my ex stretches well beyond my own needs. It stretches beyond circumstance and beyond situation. I see people as independent and free thinking people, all with the equal capacity to hurt and to love. Just because my ex loved me, it does not mean he will be there for me forever. I have no doubt he still loves me, but he needs to do what he has to in order to be happy.

 

I met the guy my ex slept with in a toilet in a club. He was pretty scared of me (small guy vs. ex-air force int officer), my first thoughts were what his head would look like smashed against the toilet bench countertop. But then I realised what a waste of effort my anger was, and how misdirected and pointless it was. So I just smiled, and asked him how is night was. And do you know what I felt?

 

PEACE

 

I walked out smiling.

[Frost271]

I understand what your going through. A month ago my gf of 4 years broke up with me and was sleeping with another guy 2 days later who she now calls bf.

 

Its hard, very very hard. Mentally and emotionally. Im on day 30 and it still hurts. Apparently with time this * * * *s supposed to go away and hopefully it will...