How to destroy any residual feelings for an ex!

[renaissancewoman101]

I really need to know from people here how can I destroy any residual feelings I have for my ex. Feelings are crap. I wish I could go through life and not care about things or people. I know I started a thread earlier yesterday but the thread was more of a rant. This is a question thread. I dont want it any more. I thought I was over the ex-bf. Had not been thinking about him for a LONG time. Even got to the point of emailing him to demand that he pay me back the $1500 that he still owes me. Got a nice email back from him that made me cry but I didnt really think much of it. Couldnt give a care about him. I am happy to have moved out to CA and am starting to develop my own life out here on my own, etc. Life was great.

 

Until Sat night. Sat I went to a Ren Faire with a friend because I love Ren Faires and that was something I shared with my ex and something that we both loved to do, get involved with, etc. I took a friend so I could desensitize Ren Faire for me because, eventually next year, I want to get involved with Faire again. It was a passion for me, a passion that I dont want to give up. Had a great time until at night when my feelings for my ex hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss my ex a lot and I miss what we used to do at Faire. I probably should never have gone to Faire this year. I need to get rid of these stupid feelings that I still have for my ex. He and I will never get back together again. We are not compatible and the sooner I get rid of these dumb feelings the better I will be.

 

I wish I could be like my best friend and suppress my feelings like the way he does. Last night I went over by my best friend to hang out for my birthday. My best friend had the audacity to tell me that he was tired and didnt want to go out and that we could go out next weekend for my birthday. Whatever. I got mad and had an argument with him in which I exploded at him about everything that had been bothering me in the last few days, about my feelings for my ex, etc. YOu know what my best friend had to say????? He pretty much told me that feelings are crap and that it is best to go through life stuffing your feelings aside and treating everything as a business relationship or agreement. He says look at me, I let myself feel the feelings I have and look where it has gotten me, NOWHERE!!! I am a mess right now about a lot of things and I realize I made a bunch of mistakes about life and now I am left with some stupid feelings that are killing me inside emotionally. I cant burden my friend with it and I dont want to burden people with my life. I guess I should be like I used to be, happy and out to cheer people up since that is what most people see me as. My parents cant handle the emotional side of me. My best friend refuses to handle me when I am like this and tells me to get lost or shape up like him. He stuffs all his feelings away, comparmentalizes them, and although he is really messed up, he isnt emotional like me anymore and he is doing a lot better in life than I am.

 

Maybe that is the best way to go. Kill the feelings for the ex and go on with life like nothing is wrong and everything is hunky dorie!!!!!

 

Help me do that!

[doyathink]

Time. That is the only thing that has ever worked for me. It took you time to fall in love and will take you time to get over that love. You may always love him but it takes awhile to live life w/o their presense.

[Hope75]

Hi RW,

 

Sounds like the Ren Faire this soon after a breakup might not be the best idea. It's something that you and the ex used to do together and it's not a surprise that it brought back some painful memories for you.

 

The above poster is right, it just takes time. Before the Ren Faire you were doing really well dealing with the breakup. Give yourself some credit for that and keep it up. Try to steer clear of the Ren Faires for a little bit longer if you can. Eventually you will be able to go without feeling sad about your ex, but you may then have fond memories of it and be OK with it.

[agent1607307371]

Killing feelings is not the way to go, I tried to repress emotions I wasn't able to handle and ended up messing myself up worse.

 

The best thing is to work through them, don't deny them but don't cling to them, let them pass. In time they become more and more distant.

 

When I split with my ex, and it was devastating, every time I had a feeling about him I would visualise putting it in a steel box, chaining it up and dropping it to the bottom of the ocean.

I can't say whether this is what worked, but it gave me something else to think about rather than the feeling I was having and in time I thought about him less and had less and less feeling for him. If I think about him now it feels very detatched from me.

 

"He stuffs all his feelings away, comparmentalizes them, and although he is really messed up, he isnt emotional like me anymore and he is doing a lot better in life than I am."

My ex did this. Career-wise he did extremely well. He ended up in therapy, on anti-depressants and unable to deal with the things he did feel. Not a good place to be in.

 

Take your time, take care of yourself gently and don't push things too far too fast. I hope that you are able to get a healthy detatchment from your ex, and able to enjoy the things you love again soon.

[Beyondthesea]

Supressing your emotions always leads to anger and resentment; both double edged blades.

 

You are doing awesome, just hit a roadbump. You are doing alright RW, just keep going!

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, you are probably right, going to Ren Faire, even the one out here in Southern CA was not a good thing. I always associated Ren Faire with my ex because it was something that we shared in and I met him at a Ren Faire event. It didnt help that I ran into a lot of people that I knew from the Ren Faire out in Wisconsin. It was good to be able to talk to these people and say "hi" to them. I even brought a friend with me so that it would be easier for me to deal with going to Ren Faire. The weird thing is that I didnt feel anything at the Faire. I was having a great time wandering around, talking to people, etc. It was only at dinner that night that it hit me like a ton of bricks that I still miss my ex a lot and that in the last few months, I have been avoiding dealing with my feelings for my ex. I pretty much stuffed them away and have been out doing other things with my life, things that helped me forget about the ex.

 

Sometimes I dont know what the right thing to do is. People here tell you that when you go through a breakup, it is best to go and do things with your life, meet new friends, hang out, enjoy life, live life and forget about the ex. Well, I have been doing that the last few months and on Sat night it hit me like a ton of bricks that I do miss my ex a lot and I still am very hurt over the breakup. I thought that with time and with developing friendships and other hobbies that the feelings would go away.

 

Agent, my best friend is like your ex. He stuffs all his feelings away and compartmentalizes them, trivializes them, etc. He is very messed up emotionally and he still vents to me about things, but he appears stoic and well put together on the outside when in the inside he is one hell of a mess. But he is doing great in his life, doing very well careerwise.

 

I wish I could do that. I am way too emotional for my own good.

[Daddy Bear]

RW, if there was a pill that made us instantly get over a lost love i would have overdosed on it by now. the time it takes to heal can go by slowly but there ain't no stopping it.

[chai714]

RW,

 

I think you can train your mind to become desensatized. Once you experience something for the first time, it will always be or seem different. Almost everything is difficult the first time you encounter it, but it continually becomes easier to deal with as you encounter it more often. In this way, you can learn to control your emotions with repeat exposure. The main goal to really overcome your emotions is to get your mind to associate Ren Faires with something different (besides your ex). So, you'll have to change your routine at these things to get your mind to view them in a different way. You can find a way to do it. Good luck.

[renaissancewoman101]

Chai714, I tried to desensitize Ren Faire by bringing a friend along. That way I could associate Ren Faire with hanging out with friends and having fun, not with my ex. I love Faire a lot and want to be able to go and do Ren Faire stuff without being haunted by feelings for my ex.

 

The only reason I want to suppress my emotions is because feeling the roller coaster of my emotions about things tires me out and makes me feel depressed about myself.

 

I want to be happy and if I think happy thoughts and act happy (while I am unhappy inside) maybe I can think myself into being happy and upbeat.

[chai714]

RW,

 

Like I said - I think the first few or even several times will be difficult. The more you do it, the easier it should become. No guarantees of this happening, but in my opinion it can happen.

 

Like another poster said - suppressing your feelings is not good. Think of suppressing your emotions like a volcano that builds pressure over many years and BOOM - one day explodes. You don't want this to be you. Deal with your emotions by going through them. I also find a good fitness program to complement your emotional health so if you can find one you enjoy and stick with it, then it can help you immensly.

 

Not sure how long it has been since you and your ex broke up but it's completely normal to have a surge of emotions when you experience something for the first time time since you were with your ex. This has happened to me before and it still does at times. The good news is that you do have some degree of control over how you react.

 

For example, I used to visit Huntington Beach several times a year with my ex. I would go bodyboarding while she would lay out. The first time I went bodyboarding since her, it was very emotional and akward and I felt like crap. Since then, I've taken friends with me and it's now something we do a few times a year. Do I still think of my ex when I visit that beach? You bet, every single time. I have learned to manage though. You can learn to manage too. And it won't come overnight but in time I think it can.

[Daddy Bear]

Chai714, I tried to desensitize Ren Faire by bringing a friend along. That way I could associate Ren Faire with hanging out with friends and having fun, not with my ex. I love Faire a lot and want to be able to go and do Ren Faire stuff without being haunted by feelings for my ex.

i had the same problem with music, and wasn't over it until a new girl dedicated a few of the same songs to me. make plans now to attend the Faire with your next beau, and you may feel a little better right away.

 

I want to be happy and if I think happy thoughts and act happy (while I am unhappy inside) maybe I can think myself into being happy and upbeat.

the thought i would like to leave with you is that you WILL be happy inside come tomorrow.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hopefully, I will find a new bf one of these days. THat will help me get over this whole mess.

 

I just hope that with time that my feelings for my ex can finally dissipate and I can put that part of my life to rest and move on.

[ElektraHere]

RW,

 

I think that the Ren Faires will have to be on hold until you can go w/o any feelings of "ah this is what we used to do." It's like a song or a place that one would experience with a S.O. Right after a breakup if you listen to that song or go to that place emotions are bound to come to the surface. As for your supposed "best friend" thats crap what he says! He also is treating you his "best friend" like crap.

 

Suppressing feelings in order to move ahead will get you no where fast. In order to officially move on you need to experience the pain, sadness, fears, etc. If not you will be a ticking time bomb and then things like the Ren Faire will bring it all to the surface.

 

The sense I get from your posts is that you let alot of people take you for granted. Even when they get you to the point of explosion you still feel it is wrong on your part. You need to step up and really respect yourself sister!! I don't care how nice the emails are I would say " I want my money!! If you dont pay me then I will take you to small claims court." As for the best friend I think that seems like a toxic relationship that will constantly dissappoint you. Perhaps you need some NC from him too.

 

Create the life you want for yourself and only have you in mind and not the ex b/f or the best friend or hell even your family. We are only given one life to live so LIVE IT NOW!!!!!

[doyathink]

OK Rw, give us your address and the girls and I will be over tonight with a couple of Chip-N-Dales, some Rum and Coke and life will be great. ( for a few hours anyway) Chin up girl friend,the mist will clear.

[Batya33]

I do like the cliche it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I do not agree with suppressing feelings because then you also have to accept being numb or numbed to the good feelings too. What works for me, in addition to time is being other-directed. For example when I am in a sad mood what helps is doing my volunteer work (I read to children at a homeless shelter), helping a friend out with his/her problem big or small, small kindnesses to others. also it helps to remember how blessed I am - I am alive, healthy and have a family and yummy food to eat and nice sheets ;-). I have to say - exploding about not celebrating your birthday on a certain day might be a bit of an overreaction, no? I mean no you cannot control your feelings but you can control your reaction to those feelings. Perhaps a better response would have been "i am disappointed but I understand that you are not in the mood to go out - I am glad though that we got to spend time together" - and then vent to someone else or on this board.

 

That is another part of it - controlling your reaction to feelings - that way, you can be a true friend - you are not burdening your friends with your hourly emotional temperature and you are showing them that even when you are feeling blue inside you can still be a good listener and be there for them or at least present in a positive way. Show them that you appreciate them and appreciate the positive things in your life.

 

I know that my perception is very biased for the following reason. One of my closest friends - also a close relative - died at the age of 34 of aggressive breast cancer - 2.5 years after being diagnosed and she was diagnosed 2 months before her wedding.

 

She couldn't celebrate her 35th birthday with us - we had to celebrate it without her there. For the last 3 months of her life and for much of the time she was ill, she couldn't do any of the things you get to do every day - hold down food, be without intense pain, walk, etc. and yes she had her heart broken badly before she met her husband but she was one of the most giving people I have ever met until she was too weak to give - and even then - 8 days before her death, she said in the softest voice "can I get you anything to eat?" and "I'm sorry I'm not being very social today."

 

This is what I mean by other-directed. There are many benefits to it including improving your self image and reminding yourself in the most direct way that there is a continuum of pain, that there is a world outside the world that includes your ex and your relationship, and that your feelings are not controllable but your reactions to them are and their place and role in your life can certainly be controlled by reaching out to others.