Can't End It With Abusive Boyfriend

[Amber Fire]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years. I never thought that he would beat me, lie to me and cheat on me the way he has in the past year and a half.

 

At first I thought it was my own insecurities about his infidelity that were causing problems. As it turned out, I was right - not crazy or just insecure; he was, in fact, cheating on me. When I confronted him with evidence, he became physically violent and told me that's what I deserved for being so weak.

 

He blamed it all on me, so I tried to work things out with him, and did everything I could to be what he said he needed/wanted. I thought we were making some progress, until a few days ago.

 

I agreed to go out with him, and without going into too many details, he attacked me (without provocation), gave me a black eye, beat me, and threw my out of his car. I have missed work now for the last week because of it.

 

I still don't know what brought that on because before he wanted to leave the spot we were at, I hadn't seen him for 2 hours. In fact, I was having the time of my life (he may have seen how much fun I was having before he approached me, and that may have angered him... or maybe he got in a fight with someone on the phone before he met back up with me) ...those are the only 2 things I can figure that make any sense of his behaviour.

 

My problem is, I know this is unhealthy, and I know I need to walk away. The next time he might kill me...but why do I still love him, and why am I having a hard time letting him go?

 

My self-esteem may be low, but shouldn't I still be able to let go? I know he has physically and mentally worn me down, but I'm still not stupid...for the most part.

 

Why do I care about such a narcissistic, selfish, arrogant control freak? How did I not see him for what he was, and now that I do, why don't I let him go?

 

How do I turn off my feelings and just let go for my own good? And why can't I seem to be able to do it?

[xblondyx]

You can't just turn off your feelings if you do really love this guy. I know it's hard. My friend is currently going through exactly the same thing. She knows he's wrong for her and treat her badly but she can't help going back to him because he loves him.

 

You've just got to think about what you really want. Do you want to be with this guy? No...well end it. I know it is really hard because you love him but he's abusive. You just have to be strong. Go into NC, don't contact him at all. Busy yourself, spend time with family and friends nd on your own. Give yourself time to get over time and get your self esteem back up.

 

I know it's easier said than done but you can do soo much better than this guy who hurts you!

[Tigris]

He left you, God knows where after he beat you and threw you out of the car. Next time he could kill you! Do you want your family to find out you've been murdered because that's what's going to happen eventually?

 

Your life is not going to be worth living if you don't permanently keep away from this guy. Get a restraining order to keep him away from you.

 

Don't waste your life on him, you deserve better.

[coollady1957]

Amber Fire , it is NOW time to leave this guy. I know it will be hard for you to let go, but I think you know you must get away from this man. He is eventually going to kill you if you stay.

 

No one deserves such treatment from someone. Lying, cheating and beating you are horrible serious things to do to someone and lastly he threw you out of the car !!! Gosh,,I know you were probably afraid to , and I understand why, but it would be good if you could press charges against him. You are likely afraid for your life.

 

Get away from this guy fast. As Tigris said, get a restraining order, or whatever it takes to keep him away from you.

 

Do not let this guy talk you into believing he will change. It is only going to get worse.

[PocoDiablo]

I am going to over-simplfy this for you. (Hmm. Re-reading my post this no longer seems true! )

 

You're curious. You're an adventure junkie. You're an excitment freak. You like the adreneline rush of the unknown. You are like many, many women I know who like a CHALLENGE. You can't stand to be bored.

 

Now if any of this strikes true, then you have to realize that you're like a detective. You want to solve the mystery. You also want to "fix" him and calm him down, make him fit to be with long term. You're a "fixer" like many women I know as well. You want to "fix" him so he is not so ... well ... manly. (Okay folks, don't jump all over me, read between the lines.) Look, he's a VERY "Alpha" male. He's a real man. He's an animalistic creature that fires up your inner passions. And it's just plain *attractive* to you. And it's probably attractive to other women, and you KNOW it.

 

So I would say you want to be with him because of the incredible degree of unpredictability and excitement, the heat of the moment, the passion and incredible rush of feelings, yet at the same time you want to change him so that (1) you never lose him to another woman and (2) he's yours to keep. However, if he changes, he fails the "test" you are throwing at him. Yes, you want him to "fail" your test - desperately - because it proves to you that he is in charge of himself, he's a real man so to speak. It won't happen, of course, and you'll keep trying for as long as he comes back around, at any cost because you not only love him but you love the high you get from not knowing what the heck is going to happen.

 

Let's go back over what you said...

 

I still don't know what brought that on because before he wanted to leave the spot we were at, I hadn't seen him for 2 hours.

Questioning. Wondering what brought it on.

 

or maybe he got in a fight with someone on the phone before he met back up with me) ...those are the only 2 things I can figure that make any sense of his behaviour.

Can't figure him out. He's a challenge. He's mysterious. He's powerful. You want a REASON for his behavior but there simply isn't a reason, and if you found out what it was you'd laugh and be done with him. So long as there isn't a reason you're going to keep looking for one, and that requires you to spend more time with him. It's a powerful technique I teach clients to attract women (no, not beating the crap out of them! Never!) by being mysterious, and it can be summed up like this: "The less you talk, the longer you last." Yes, the less she knows about you, or the more secrets you can slowly let out over time, the longer she'll stick around with you.

 

He's doing it perfectly, but it's laced with abuse which is a losers technique.

 

but why do I still love him, and why am I having a hard time letting him go?

Still more questions. Still a mystery. Something to DO and something to THINK about. It possesses you, it is an obsession, it consumes you doesn't it?

 

but shouldn't I still be able to let go?

More logic, more reality-based questions. But it's not reality that you need to think about here, it's the unconscious behaviors of human beings, the rituals of being in a pack with a pack leader, that you need to think about.

 

In the wild the male often bites the female on the neck when they mate. Sometimes he will draw blood. Tell me you don't like when a guy bites your neck ... not drawing blood, of course, but there is a little animal in all of us. How much? Who knows. I think he's got a LOT and you feed off of it.

 

I know plenty of women who get off with rough sex, biting, hitting, all sorts of really animalistic stuff. And it's a rush to do it.

 

Remember playing as kids? Rolling around in the grass? Pillow fights? Those could all subtle forms of foreplay when you get older. We like to play. Have you ever seen dogs play? They run around like idiots, biting each other, running into each other, crashing into things, and then all the sudden someone is mounting someone else! Sometimes playing leads to sex... sometimes playing is rough. It's just something that revs us up. At least that's something I think.

 

Why do I care about such a narcissistic, selfish, arrogant control freak? How did I not see him for what he was, and now that I do, why don't I let him go?

More questions? But why? I'm not saying you deserve to be beaten or anything like that - not a chance in he** - but I think you enjoy the RUSH.

 

Personally, I'd say take up skydiving instead...

 

How do I turn off my feelings and just let go for my own good? And why can't I seem to be able to do it?

You're addicted.

 

Look, my specialty is mind control techniques and hypnosis. That's what I studied for years. What has happened is that he has hypnotized you in a very powerful way. He essentially has made you fearful but at the same time is the only solution to your problems. It's a cult induction technique. He isolates you (like a cult does to a new member) and then tells you all your problems (insecurity, whatever) and abuses you (which makes the fears "stick" in your mind) and then he is the solution (if you don't leave him, you'll be fine - just like if you never leave the cult everything will be fine.)

 

I learned in high school that the way to get a woman's attention was NOT to tell her something nice. In fact, that was a sure-fire way to get ignored. How did I figure that out? Simple - by listening to people. No one ever says "Oh, wow, I met this great guy" and talks about him for an hour. No, what they talk about - like what YOU are doing - is "Oh my gosh, you cannot believe what he did to me! And you know what he said? And look at this bruise! I can't believe it. I don't know what happened, why'd he do that? If I ever see him (blood boiling) I'm going to kick his head in! No, don't tell my parents, oh they would be so mad I don't know what my dad would do..." etc.

 

So sure enough I tried it. When I was in high school I told a girl something that would rile her up. Sure enough, she'd be thinking about me (hypnotized) and talking about me (hypnotizing others) and I'd get MORE attention.

 

Negative attention is a technique many people and animals use. Have you ever poked someone in fun to annoy them? Little kids do it all the time. It's designed to get them to chase you.

 

He's "poking" you in a dangerous way. But you're responding to it.

 

If you don't want to end up getting your arm broken when he throws you out of his moving car, like Jonathan did to Kelly (girl I knew) and then being enrolled in DUI and anger management classes (which they both failed) and have to go to jail and lose your job ... I'd recommend a strict regiment of NO CONTACT. Be polite, but stop talking to him. "Sorry, you hit me and I'm never talking to you again." "Sorry, we can't be together." "Sorry, I have to go." Do NOT discuss details. Do NOT engage him in coversation of ANY type. Do not let him ask you any questions.

 

Give him zero information and move on.

 

--------------------

 

One thing I try to teach guys is that you have to be more than a man, you have to be a gentleman. A Gentle MAN. You have to be exciting, confident, in control of yourself, be honest, be loyal, be a flirt, be exciting, and be a CHALLENGE. You can do all this stuff without hitting someone in anger. Heck, I've had clients who DO hit each other, but only in a sexual manner! They'd play fight, basically, wrestle each other down and ... Hey, it worked for them. Of course, they had rules. No head shots. No face shots. No rib shots. And a safe word ("quit") that meant 100% stop, no questions asked. Everything else did not matter (including "Ow!" "Stop" etc.).

 

So you CAN get your adreneline rush, but you need to do it with someone who exhibits the all-important mature and adult trait of SELF-CONTROL.

 

---------------------

 

Closing word. To all you people who think I'm crazy, you have to remember this is a crazy situation. It's not easy to get out of once you are in it. And even if I am WAAAAY off base, maybe just maybe there is one piece of advice that helps her.

 

And if not ... well, at least I tried.

 

I wish you the absolute best of luck getting through this trying time.

[phillygal]

PocoDiablo, i actually agree with alot of the things you said. I think many women are attracted to that kind of a man, especially those that have low self-esteem. Now i'm not saying anyone wants to be beaten intentionally, but i think if a woman feels bad about herself and she doesn't value herself, then she almost thinks she deserves it. She feels like this is the best she can do and that no other man would want her. The abusive boyfriend or husband has in a way brainwashed her to the point where she has no value for herself.

 

Many women do like the unpredictable kind of man, the one who you never know what he's going to say or do next, basically a "bad boy". But there is a difference between a bad boy and a man that physically and mentally abuses a woman. The bad boy is not dangerous while the latter is extremely dangerous.

 

The big problem with situations like this is that when a woman finally gets to the point where she can't take this sort of abuse anymore and she tries to leave, the man might try to really hurt her or even kill her. He has become so accustomed to having complete control over her and he almost see's her as his property, that just the thought of her leaving him makes him irate. That's why you have to proceed with extreme caution and i would agree that the best way to handle it is by cutting down contact to a minimum and not still having conversations or listening to what he has to say.

 

Amber Fire-You already know he will ask for you to come back and your refusal will just make him angrier. Tell him firmly that it's over and you don't want to have any kind of contact with him. Do not say you still love him and that maybe if he changes in the future you'll come back. He will never change ! Also, for the next few months try to surround yourself with as many friends and family as possible. The chances of him attempting to hurt you will be lessened by that and you will need the emotional support from them as well.

 

As to you saying you still love him, you need to choose what is more important to you. Your life or his life. As harsh as it may sound, that is what it comes down to. If you want to live then you have to get him out of your life as soon as possible, otherwise you can only expect the worse. Good luck and i will pray for you.

[Dako]

Lots of girls like bad boys, but among them are a number of violent thugs posing as human beings. I've seen it happen way too much. At first they're empowered by being with a "real man who won't take s__t from anyone." They feel safe with him until they becomes the target of this psychopath. Then the world no longer makes sense, and friends stop understanding how you love him.

 

Get away from him now. Not tomorrow, not after you wait to for him to change, or for you to find the magic button to tame him.

Get out.

[KweenofDenyl]

If you don't want to end up getting your arm broken when he throws you out of his moving car, like Jonathan did to Kelly (girl I knew) and then being enrolled in DUI and anger management classes (which they both failed) and have to go to jail and lose your job ... I'd recommend a strict regiment of NO CONTACT. Be polite, but stop talking to him. "Sorry, you hit me and I'm never talking to you again." "Sorry, we can't be together." "Sorry, I have to go." Do NOT discuss details. Do NOT engage him in coversation of ANY type. Do not let him ask you any questions.

 

Give him zero information and move on.

 

 

If you say "sorry" at the beginning of each sentence, you are putting yourself in the subservient-beta role--again. He WILL use this to his advantage. It sounds like you are wavering and caring how he feels.

 

YOU: "I'm not going to continue this relationship. Do not call me or bother me again."

HIM: "But, baby, why? You know I love you! What's the matter with you?"

YOU: "I don't have to give you reasons or explain myself in any way. Do not contact me again. Goodbye."

*Click*

 

In addition to no contact, it sounds like you could really use the help of a counselor or therapist to get through this time-not that us Enots aren't ALWAYS here for you, but someone who can help you work through some of this situation face-to-face.

 

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like...I've been where you are now and I know what it feels like

[yeawutever]

Plz, tell me you gonna get away from this self-centered loser with no respect towards women. Imagine if you were marry to him. You think that if you were to ever have kids with that psycho can you leave him ALONE with the kids, no way, by the time you get home, the kids are prollie gonna be dead. Get a restraining order ASAP (as soon as possible), fast, if possible change your number. And no, even if he was provoke, you don't derserve to be treated like that. Plz tell him you gonna throw this loser out. I hope he ends up single for life.

 

Plus, what you describe here isn't love at all. If you love and care about someone, you care for their health, their well-being. He obviously doesn't, I don't think he would even care if he were to get a knife and stab you. In fact, he would prollie even be smiling. There is only one person he cares about, HIMSELF. I bet he doesn't even care about his family, to beat someone like that, someone you claim to care for, yuck, disgusting.

[PocoDiablo]

If you say "sorry" at the beginning of each sentence, you are putting yourself in the subservient-beta role--again. He WILL use this to his advantage. It sounds like you are wavering and caring how he feels.

 

YOU: "I'm not going to continue this relationship. Do not call me or bother me again."

HIM: "But, baby, why? You know I love you! What's the matter with you?"

YOU: "I don't have to give you reasons or explain myself in any way. Do not contact me again. Goodbye."

*Click*

 

In addition to no contact, it sounds like you could really use the help of a counselor or therapist to get through this time-not that us Enots aren't ALWAYS here for you, but someone who can help you work through some of this situation face-to-face.

This is VERY good advice, I do agree with all of it as well. I hadn't thought about it like that, but it's actually advice I give to my clients to be more assertive.

[Miss M]

My problem is, I know this is unhealthy, and I know I need to walk away. The next time he might kill me...but why do I still love him, and why am I having a hard time letting him go?

 

My self-esteem may be low, but shouldn't I still be able to let go? I know he has physically and mentally worn me down, but I'm still not stupid...for the most part.

 

Why do I care about such a narcissistic, selfish, arrogant control freak? How did I not see him for what he was, and now that I do, why don't I let him go?

 

How do I turn off my feelings and just let go for my own good? And why can't I seem to be able to do it?

The emotions involved in abuse like this are very complicated and very powerful. It's like there's a part of you that is sane... and another part of you is in a hypnotic trance. Breaking free of the trance is extremely hard to do without help and support. I would also suggest counseling. Also, a book that was key in finally breaking my trance was Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It explains what he's doing, how he manipulates you into staying when you know you should leave, and it also explains in a crystal clear way why you're having so much trouble breaking free of him.

[Amber Fire]

He called me today. He talked to me very condescendingly. he told me to have a nice day. I told him to have a nice life, and hung up.

 

He called back and asked me what I meant, and I told him it meant have a nice life WITHOUT me. He accused me of leaving him because I was cheating on him (I'm not). I told him I was leaving because he almost killed me, and I don't like or want to be abused.

 

He asked if he had any clothes at my house. I told him 1 shirt, 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of underwear, and 1 pair of socks. That's it. He said he would call me and let me know when he could come get his things. I told him I though it was best if I dropped his things off at his mom's house or something, but he wanted none of that. He told me I could put his stuff on my porch and he'd come get it, but for some reason, I am suspicious of why he doesn't want me to drop it off somewhere. H***, I'd even be willing to box it up and mail it to him.

 

I don't know how I feel right now. I think I'm in shock.

[Miss M]

He asked if he had any clothes at my house. I told him 1 shirt, 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of underwear, and 1 pair of socks. That's it. He said he would call me and let me know when he could come get his things. I told him I though it was best if I dropped his things off at his mom's house or something, but he wanted none of that. He told me I could put his stuff on my porch and he'd come get it, but for some reason, I am suspicious of why he doesn't want me to drop it off somewhere. H***, I'd even be willing to box it up and mail it to him.

I'd say your instincts are right on. He's just trying to make the decision about his clothing as a way to maintain some control over you. I'd suggest that you don't let him make the decision, and don't let him come by. It would probably be best if you could box his stuff up quickly and drop it at his Mom's before he starts strategizing again.

 

And I don't want to frighten you, but you really need to get a restraining order immediately. A lot of women get hurt the worst when they try to break free because that's when abusers panic and lash out. He's already proved he's very dangerous, so it's best not to take any more chances. And if you have supportive friends and family, this would be a good time to gather them around you as much as possible. And whenever you have to be alone, make sure they know where you're going, and when to expect you back. (((HUGS)))

[Amber Fire]

Thank you, Miss M, and to everyone who gave me advice. I don't think I could have gone through with actually leaving him without the help of this site. Also, the links provided in this thread and others helped a lot.

[Miss M]

This link has a lot of helpful info, and a toll-free number, and can help you find local support...

 

National Domestic Violence Hotline

link removed

[latina07]

wow!!! that sounds bad!! there is no reason on this earth that a man should lay a hand on you!!!! you don't know how upset i am from reading this!! i know you still care cause you cannot erased the feelings right away, but you are going to need to cause you should not spend any second with an a-hole like him. no,no,no. there's too many men out there that will not do that to you, why go for one that did. you must feel very degraded. girl!! you better tell this man that he has crossed a line that should have never been crosssed and that you do not want to have anything to with him ever again. and please get back to us with anything that happeneds.

[Amber Fire]

I know I did the right thing by ending the relationship, but now I feel...like something died. I'm filled with sadness and regret, and I'm sorta lost about why I'm having these these feelings.

[Tigris]

Just think of it this way, you've had a very lucky escape! I'm sure you'll get over him soon.

 

Secondly, I find it very strange that he doesn't want his clothes leaving with his Mother. I wonder if she's been on the receiving end of his violence before?

 

Get that restraining order immediately!

 

Good luck and take care.

[Miss M]

Amber Fire,

You're actually feeling the typical feelings for an abused person when you finally end it. I know your feelings don't make sense to you... because yes, you got out of a dangerous situation that could cause you great harm. And while you feel like you did the right thing, another part of you feels like it was the exactly wrong thing, and you miss that jerk. It's a horrible mixed-up way to feel. But hang in there and stand your ground, because you definitely did the right thing. I know it's confusing for you. But really, all of these mixed up feelings are very normal.

[Amber Fire]

He just called me and told me he felt so bad that he wanted to drive his car into a tree, and he asked me if he did, would I come to his funeral.

 

I told him no.

 

Go ahead. Kill yourself. You have enough b*****s that will show up at your funeral anyway, and I won't be one of them - because I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

 

I don't care how mean that sounds.

[KweenofDenyl]

He is already sucking you back in. Don't answer the phone when he calls. Others were dead-on: he wants to leave his clothes at your house because that way he is still in control and still has a "reason and a right" to bother you.

 

The thing is...you do care. It's completely normal. You had good times. Something attracted you to him and a part of the relationship was great.

You can feel sad that the relationship ended because of that. You can feel hurt that he didn't respect you or take care of you.

 

You need strength to get through this. When you need that strength, I want you to think of how you felt when you were scared. I want you to remember the most humiliating thing he did to you.

[RandomAdvisor]

He just called me and told me he felt so bad that he wanted to drive his car into a tree, and he asked me if he did, would I come to his funeral.

 

I told him no.

 

Go ahead. Kill yourself. You have enough b*****s that will show up at your funeral anyway, and I won't be one of them - because I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

 

I don't care how mean that sounds.

 

YOU GO GIRL!!

 

That was the right thing to say. He's going to start trying things like this now. He'll go from being very pathetic and apologetic to being angry, condescending, and if you see him in person - violent. Whatever he thinks it takes to try and win you back. And as you stick to your guns and he begins to realize that it's really, really over this time he's going to grow even more desperate. There's no telling him he might act.

 

Get him his things back as quickly as possible so he no longer has a reason to contact you, and then go to strict no contact. Don't pick up the phone when he calls, respond to e-mails, etc.

 

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned earlier in the thread, but going to the police and getting a restraining order is a really good idea.

[Tigris]

Don't take his clothes back, SEND them to him.

 

 

Keep yourself safe!

 

Get that restraining order now before it's too late!

 

We're all worried about you!

[Miss M]

He just called me and told me he felt so bad that he wanted to drive his car into a tree, and he asked me if he did, would I come to his funeral.

 

I told him no.

 

Go ahead. Kill yourself. You have enough b*****s that will show up at your funeral anyway, and I won't be one of them - because I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

 

I don't care how mean that sounds.

Actually that sounds like perfection! Now, just hold onto that feeling as long as you can. After all, this guy cheated on you, beat you, blackened your eye and threw you out of his car. You're SUPPOSED to be angry. Now he's switching to the other extreme, talking of driving his car into a tree as a way to try to pull on your sympathy. Well, good for you for not falling for it. Don't even answer any more of his calls because he's only going to continue to flip-flop between manipulating or threatening you in some way. And get rid of his clothes quick so he doesn't have a claim on your attention in that way either.

[yeawutever]

Thanx for listening to our posts Amber, now get a restraining order as soon as possible and if so change your phone number. He's just so pathetic that he's trying to get you back so he can repeat that same abusive cycle again. Now that you dump him for good, hope he stays single forever!!!!!!!!!!!