Women and independence thing???

[Skippy]

OK i have a question for women out there.

 

What is this "losing independence thing" that women keeps talking about when they go into a relationship.

 

Really, you choose to be in a "live in" relationship thus you are not independent anymore, it is a decision that has been made. I just dont get why women keep fighting for their independence when in all reality they have choosen to give some of it up to move into a 'live in "relationship.

 

I dont really hear about this from men in this forum, so really why? is it the grass is greener on the other side syndrome??

[hoping]

well a wise woman name blender has said this to me......no one can fight "newness"...and woman (im assuming) are more prone to the attraction of "newness), while guys can think of a girl is hot but then totally forget about her the next second BECUZ that hot girl doesn't MEAN anything at all....and blender has told me as well...."all this newness will eventually wear off"....i dunno if that helps.....but thats my 2 cent

[Skippy]

HUH???

 

so they want independence over "newness"

or is t ..

that newness is that fact she found independence??

[tylercdurden2004]

Insecurity.

[Scout]

To be honest, I've always heard that it's men that fear losing their independence when they get in a committed relationship.

[melrich]

Yeah, I don't think it's a woman thing...happens to both guys and girls. Sometimes people don't realise how living with their SO impacts on their lifestyles before they move in. It's only after the fact that they have issues.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yes its not only a woman thing. traditionally its been a male thing but its been more "popular" amongst women in the past few decades. People are all too willing to trade their "independence" to pursue a career but not to pursue a relationship. This I think is often an excuse for saying "you are not the one" and sometimes is a way for someone to justify their insecurities.

 

 

not dependent: as a (1) not subject to control by others : link removed (2) not affiliated with a larger controlling unit b (1) not requiring or relying on something else not contingent (2) not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct (3) not bound by or committed to a political party c (1) not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) (2) being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living d showing a desire for freedom

[shyanne]

i didn't give up my independence at all when i moved in with my boyfriend. we were always equal... just like living with a roommate. now i can't say that because i left my job to stay home with the kids. we depend on him now.

[Raven44]

ok I would say that the only time a woman would have to try to keep her independance after moving in with her significant other is if that other person has told them to stay at home...For no other reason but to do housework and other domestic things....

 

Is there a family already involved ? Are you engaged?

[Skippy]

raven,.. no family and no children.

Just somethig i have noticed amougst friends and family.

There is a greater fear of commitment in women, even at the stage of "living in".

I thought that it use to be at the stage of marriage but things has changed over time I think.... maybe it is the crowd that i am surrounding myself with .. hahahaha

[lgirl]

how come so many men are supposed to be commitment-phobic - isn't that a fear of losing their independence?

 

women fear losing their independence b/c their identities are so easily and too often subsumed in a r/shp, especially if they move in with their guy and end up doing all the household chores (even when both partners are working). many end up as the unofficial caretaker of the r/shp, which intensifies if they have a kid with him, when they really lose their independence and become 'mother'. men, by and large, have more freedom to be who they are (pursue their interests, hobbies etc), keep a sense of self.

[eleanorrigby1]

My boyfriend accuses me of being a bit feminist and sometimes I have to bite my tongue. I have always been feircely independent and I moved into my flat alone and lived their happily alone for two years. Now my boyfriend is there it still feels annoying when he has sole control of the remote control and I will fight him for it and he snatches it away and laughs and says "you are such a control freak! i am taking some control away from you! see how you cope!" he is laughing and winding me up, but sometimes I get so pissed off that I cant just change the volume or pause the film without asking him and then he seems to take ages to do it, that I snap "Its my effing telly! its my FLAT!" and then I see that I have hurt him.

 

I dont view this as me trying to hold onto my 'independance' I think a relationship is a partnership and there is the ability for both people to keep hold of a certain degree of independance, its just adjusting to the whole "whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine" when you live together.

[lgirl]

what is the big deal about feminism? it's just about being treated with the same respect given to men, is all. equality. people don't have the same reaction if you say you're anti-racist. it's the same principle.

[BellaDonna]

I agree with the concepts of feminism, however I don't think wanting independence and control even has anything to do with feminism, it has to do with human autonomy and free will. I don't think it has to do with gender either. There are plenty of people out there, both male and female that fear entering a relationship and losing their independence. I can't say I blame them- if you end up with the WRONG person, you can indeed lose your independence.

 

Here are some common scenerios:

 

*Guy or girl in relationship goes out with his/her friends for harmless fun- their girlfriend/boyfriend calls all night long with an attitude problem and tries to ruin their fun. (this happens if you end up with a jealous/insecure partner who will try to put you on a leash) I've had friends who went out to dinner with me and their BF felt the need to call every half hour. I was ready to take their cell phone and kick it into a brick wall to stop the ringing. Shame on them for feeding into it and answering every time it rang.....nauseating....

 

* Guy/Girl has a partner who is sloppy and they end up spending most of their time cleaning up after the messy person so their home doesn't become a pig sty. (This happens if you end up with an inconsiderate partner) This was my parents' marriage- my mother had little free time because she always cleaning up after my father, who acted like he was paralyzed when it came to housework.

 

*Guy or girl is told by their partner that they have to work less, give up hobbies, see family less etc. and spend more time with their partner instead. Partner whines so much until finally it becomes too much of a headache to try to do anything outside of the relationship. (This happens if you end up with a controlling partner)

 

I honestly believe that if you have a HEALTHY relationship and you are with the right kind of person- entering a relationship will be something that compliments your life in a very positive way, and it will not take your independence away. If you avoid jealous, inconsiderate, controlling partners, you should be just fine.

 

 

BellaDonna

[NJRon]

I find that the independence thing is more-so an issue with women (or men I guess, but have no experience) that have not already supported themsleves and lived on their own. It also comes into play when someone hasn't lived with someone else before. Those two issues can combine to really cause someone to lose themselves because they don't have the coping mechanisms to maintain their identity.

 

Personally, I think independence is undesirable in a relationship. I believe it is two people supporting each other. There is compromise. However, I feel that self-reliance is incredibly important.

 

Interestingly, in the few cases I have had with this phenomenon, I find that the woman has totally lost themselves and feel that they must leave the relationship to get their independence, because they don't know how to be themselves within the context of the relationship. They often blame the other party for not being able to do certain things (whatever they may be) yet, the fact is, it was they who chose not to do those things.

 

Anyway, this is just based on a pretty established pattern I have had in the past that I hope to never repeat.

[Skippy]

Hey everyone, thanks for your post,

Njron, i seem to understand what youare saying more. Being in a relationship isnt about being independent, it is about compromising and self reliance. Self reliant doesnt mean independence but means that you are able to do things yourself if the need be.

I find it weird that the people i know fight so hard to keep thier independence in a relationship when they they should be putting that same effort into the relationship and knowing that they are self reliant.

 

i suppose some people are just not experienced enough to differenciate between the 2. As they say, time teachs all, we choose to learn the easy or the hard way but we will learn.

[Scout]

I find it weird that the people i know fight so hard to keep thier independence in a relationship when they they should be putting that same effort into the relationship and knowing that they are self reliant.

 

I really agree with this. And it reminds me of the last relationship I had before my current boyfriend. The guy was so determined to be "independent" that he actually killed our relationship. And now I know why, after reading your comment: he was putting way more energy into that, than into us. It wasn't even fifty-fifty.

[tylercdurden2004]

I can't say I blame them- if you end up with the WRONG person, you can indeed lose your independence.

 

Again if you are truly independent you will have walked away from the"wrong" person. Only YOU can give your independance away and if you look at it from that veiwpoint as opposed to someone trying to "take" your independence away from you itll probably give you piece of mind. Just my take though. A realtionship is the logical part of love. You can love many people and have feelings for them but ultimately the one you decide to be WITH is the one that compliments your life to help enrich it to that higher level as you do for them.

[Skippy]

ultimately the one you decide to be WITH is the one that compliments your life to help enrich it to that higher level as you do for them.

 

AMEN to that. so have we concluded that complimentary, self reliance and compromsing is the essense to a good relationship and not independence??

[ravenfox]

Insecurity.

 

 

ditto

 

[Momene]

In theory, a relationship should be the coming together of equals but, in practice, one usually makes more compromises and sacrifices for the other. In theory you shouldn't have to give up activities, friends, family, etc to be with someone but, in practice, you both have to. It gets even more difficult when you have children.

 

I do find successive generations of couples are more independent than previous ones.

[Skippy]

momene,

now from you observation, is that selffishness/ independence or fear from what we as a modern society see in marriage => failure => heart ache??

 

It is a funny thing, that u brought this up, my grand mother said that i should ge married asap. my mother said get married only if you are sure , my aunt says, get married and everything is 50-50 so when things go south u still have your 50%, my neice says, "Why get married? keep your independence, do what you want, see who you want, be what you want, do and have everything yo want, Just do it !!!! marriage stops that and only give you pain."

 

Well as you said different generations... i feel old now.