Afraid to reject...

[soaking_wet]

I've never rejected a guy before, and i think it's about time i stop being so "nice." i've been going out with guys that i had no feelings for, just because they like me, and then i end up never talking to them again cuz they freak me out when i go out with them and then they wonder what's wrong with me...am i a bad person? ..well anyway i really like this guy at work and he apparently likes me back and then there's this other guy at work that i'm not attracted to at all and my weird friends keep trying to set me up with him even though they know that i'm crazy about another guy..their doing this because this guy is their "friend" and he thinks i'm cute... So what right?! ...anyway they say that the guy i like is way too chicken to ever try anything so i should give that other guy a chance ...so anyway he asked me for my number and i really did NOT wanna give it to him but i gave it to him!!! and now he's gonna call cuz he wants to do something with me over spring break...and that other guy that i'm crazy about works the same days as us and if he ever finds out i'm doomed! lol what should i do?!?! I don't know how to reject a guy without hurting him because that guy is really nice and stuff and he thinks i like him because of what my friends have been telling him but i really only think he's nice as a friend...nothing more though...EVER! ...I don't mean to sound so harsh but it's an emergency call lol ...thanks y'all!

[monsieur]

not rejecting him right off the bat will hurt him much more

 

you realize that if you don't reject and just stay friendly he will probably interpret that as interest and will fall for you more and more

[monsieur]

if you don't want to say it directly, tell your friends that you are not interested in the guy and they will tell him, that would work

 

taking the initiative yourself and asking the guy that you do like out would be a very good step

[soaking_wet]

ya i told my friends that but they won't do anything about it...see i tell them that i only think he's nice as a friend and they go and tell him that i said he was hot and i'm totally into him i know i feel bad when i hurt someone and that is something i really don't wanna do!

[monsieur]

pretty thoughtless friends, they are cruelly playing around with this poor guys heart

[Miss M]

So your friends are choosing your dates for you?... deciding who you should be with?... and who you should not be with?

 

Oh that's so lame. If it's your date (or your bf) then you're the only one who should do the choosing or the rejecting. Your friends should butt out, and you have to be the one to tell them that.

 

When it comes to who you should be with, your vote is really the only one that counts, not your friends. If they like the guy so much, then tell them they should be the ones to date him. Make your own decisions based on what you want, not on what they say. Good luck.

[Markers]

ask that shy guy out quick. Then you can tell the other guy that you're going out with someone already. That's valid.

[soaking_wet]

i agree wid Miss M...you're so right!!!!! i dunno what i've been thinking...seems to me that i've been the wimp the whole time lol ...and Markers wow thas a great idea but i'm wayyyy too scared to ask him out haha ...i should try though ...thanks a lot guys!

[yeawutever]

Go for the shy guy you like and as for the other one, you can tell him that he just like him as a friend and also the truth about what your friends are telling. Who are them to choose who you wanna be with anyways?? They're sure not good friends!!!!

[soaking_wet]

no no no their amazing friends! lol i guess they were just trying to help me out...but ya i shouldn't let others make up my mind for me

[yeawutever]

If they're making a desicion for you, then you're not good friends.

[jordan_2]

personally,

no matter what, you have the final say...sure your friends may be trying to hook you up and that's great, but at the end of the day (and Miss M you so elegantly put it) "your vote is the only one that counts".

As for the whole rejecting the dude, honestly, please for his sake and yours (friends of mine and myself included; Also please let this be a note for the lady posters) tell him the truth, and be honest and genuine about it...You don't know how bad a guy takes it when he gets a somewhat "nice" rejection...sure you may feel like a b**ch for telling him straight up, but the way we (at least most of the guys i know) feel about it is, 'why couldn't they just say it out flat? now I'm wondering why they even acted nice just to try and play around with me'. We see it as a somewhat mockery, no matter how nice you try to let them down.

Be flattered at the fact that you've been asked out (you seem like a great person), and be genuine, let them know that they are a great individual (unless they're total jerks) and then tell them that even though they are great, they are not for you...for both your sakes, trust, it's better to be upfront and honest, or else someone is going to leave the situation thinking and decoding things improperly and getting the wrong message...

 

sorry this is an incoherent post, I kinda wrote as i thought...

good luck with your work crush!

 

jordan

[soaking_wet]

yeah, i kinda didn't tell him ...i feel really bad but i can't find the guts to tell him so i just ignore him and maybe by doing that he'll get the point...? maybe..? ...but i like the way you put it, Jordon

[Taomagicdragon]

Ignoring him can be misconstrued as playing hard to get.

If you do ignore him, then you risk breaking the cush (a goodthing) but also any chancefor a friendship (a bad thing). I recommend tellign him outright, it'll hurt, but the difference between knowing and never knowing is HUGE.

 

He could make an excellent friend, and friendship is based on honesty, so be honest.

[soaking_wet]

Well i ignored that guy completely and i think he got the point...it worked! ..We were working and he called my name and i pretended i heard nothing and just kept working and talkin to some friends and then he came around the corner and poked me and i just smiled and said hi then ignored him and talked with someone else and then the guy that i really like waved at me and i smiled and waved back at him and i think he saw that ..and before i left i went and talked to his friend and i was telling his friend about how J-hot waved at me and stuff and then he was behind me and i turned around and i'm like "hey! what's up?" and we just talked for 3 minutes or so and then when he walked away i turned to talk to that guy's friend again and i'm like "wow! that was hot and then i could see that guy looking at the guy that i like and he made it soo obvious that he was lookin at him cuz i saw him kinda trying to stand up to look at him ...then his friend told me that she told him that i wasn't interested in him and he said "yeah, i kinda figured that out...she likes that J-hot guy right?" lol i do kinda feel bad but his friend told me that he still wants to be friends ...see it all worked out for the best! ...

[Miss M]

Well i ignored that guy completely and i think he got the point...it worked! ... ...

Wow, you really handled that like a pro. You communicated your intent in several ways so there was no way to misunderstand. Good job!

 

And you've quickly come a long way from the being the girl who's friends were trying to choose her guy for her. You just needed to find a way that worked for you. I'm impressed. 8)

 

So, when can I sign up for your seminar on "getting the guy you want, and not the one you don't"?

[Budman]

Honestly, I think that is completely and utterly wrong what you did.

 

It's quite simple tell him,"I'm sorry I'm not really interested in you in a romantic sense, but if you want to be friends (yadda yadda)."

 

I'm sorry, but I like closure, I don't like just sitting there thinking, "What did I do wrong, is she just busy, is she hurt, is she this, or is she that... You get the picture I assume. That applies to most cases^

 

However, honestly what you did was even a little worse in my opinion. It was nice, but you definitely seemed to be stuck up, and a little cold hearted in that sense. Honestly, this is just my opinion. It conveyed the message well, but do you really like seeing a guy fall flat on his face in front of everyone after doing no wrong to you?

 

Maybe I read it wrong, but that's how I took it.

[soaking_wet]

Now i feel bad lol

[Taomagicdragon]

Shows you have a heart, at least

[Budman]

Now i feel bad lol

[-X

 

Well, least you know now.

 

Can always fix it by not doing it again!

 

Remember, put yourself in the other persons situation, and find the best way for you to say no, by what you'd preffer.

[Miss M]

Soaking wet, from your posts I get that you're extremely shy and feeling overwhelmed. With those types of challenges I think you really did your best in this situation... and there's no need to ever feel bad for doing your best. And others can't script you on how to BE at a certain level when you're just not there. You did communicate your disinterest and the guy got the message. And it's pointless to add another layer of guilt... that certainly doesn't help you magically find your courage when you're already feeling overwhelmed. You did your best and you never did any intentional harm, so give yourself a break.

[Budman]

Soaking wet, from your posts I get that you're extremely shy and feeling overwhelmed. With those types of challenges I think you really did your best in this situation... and there's no need to ever feel bad for doing your best. And others can't script you on how to BE at a certain level when you're just not there. You did communicate your disinterest and the guy got the message. And it's pointless to add another layer of guilt... that certainly doesn't help you magically find your courage when you're already feeling overwhelmed. You did your best and you never did any intentional harm, so give yourself a break.

 

I understand where you are coming from I really do, but if someone is always told they did their best its ok, because you tried your hardest. Their best will never get better. Sometimes you have to be motivated in other ways than positive reinforcement.

 

Just because it worked this time because the guy was uber confident, doesn't mean it'll work the next time. What if this would have happened to one of the shy guys on this forum with very little confidence.

 

Ya, it would have been bad.

[Miss M]

Hey Budman, I also get your point. I'm not unsympathetic to the guy either, not at all. I've also struggled with severe shyness, and I don't see why soaking wet should be held responsible for the guy's feelings. After all, she wasn't the one that got him interested... that was her intrusive co-workers who did that, but suddenly she was left in the awkward and uncomfortable position of trying to fix it. And I don't see that as fair at all. It seems she handled it in the best way she knew how, and effectively made her disinterest clear to him.

 

And I also don't see the benefit of anyone on this board scolding soaking wet in an accusing way as if she had done something wrong when she really hadn't. And I've never found that reprimands from others ever had the effect of magically dissolving intense shyness. In fact, it typically has the exact opposite effect.

 

if someone is always told they did their best its ok, because you tried your hardest. Their best will never get better.

Really, this seems as if you've decided for her... it seems as if you've appointed yourself as the one who sets the pace for her for how much self-improvement she can manage in a given moment. It's as if you're her self-appointed life coach. Ironically her co-workers seem to have had the same kind of ideas, deciding the dating circumstances for her when she should have been deciding that for herself. I simply disagree that that's your role here, but understand if you feel differently.

[Budman]

Nope, she can go whatever she wants to and do what she likes, but I have just as much right to be vocal, and say my opinion as you do.

 

 

 

Agree to disagree?

 

*puts out hand*

 

Hey, and I am sorry if I came off that way, but I am not one to see the gold in everything, unless it is truly all gold.

 

Being an idealist makes me that way.

[Miss M]

Hey Budman, yes, we can respectfully agree to disagree. And I do know there are other points of view besides mine, and I accept that. And you're right... ultimately, your opinion here is just as valid as mine.

 

And neither do I see "gold" in everything, and nor do I give only "positive feedback"... just depends. I just happen to disagree with your take on what's going on here and felt it appropriate to speak up about that. But yeah, it's all good.