Anyone happily alone?

[Dako]

andy,

You understand what I mean.

I used to go home to my own place, get toe up on bud and go wander around my gay neighborhood without fear of women. I felt so safe and in control.

 

It's dawning on me that my recovery isn't getting me back to normal at all, but delivering me into a midlife crisis. My snotty inner child is having a field day with this old fart's comic opera. No way would any woman tolerate me. I can't.

 

Sorry for the hijack, but it feels good to vent. I did a search on manopausal issues without much luck.

[NR498E]

It's dawning on me that my recovery isn't getting me back to normal at all, but delivering me into a midlife crisis. My snotty inner child is having a field day with this old fart's comic opera

 

What do you mean by that?

[Dako]

I'm 53 years old.

I feel like that passionately sarcastic teenager I've always been.

When I shave, I see an old man. It happens so gradually, and then one day, Bang...it hits like a herd of turtles.

 

It happens to all of us I guess.

[NJRon]

Yeah, after 27 years in a marriage I can totally understand the 'stranger in a strange land' feeling.

 

The world looks different when looking at it through your I's rather than your We's.

[Dako]

I thought I'd been through it already in my 40s. I even had the requisite red sports car!

[NR498E]

I got ya.

You know I think that when we are healing and what not, we do start to change who we are.

I think you realise that with out that person you are not the same person.I've changed alot in the last few months.I dress diffrent, hang out with diffrent people.I'm working on getting a job that is a complete 180 from what I was doing.It's kind of a junior midlife crisis.

I think that when your plans for the future are trashed and you need to come up with new plans,you have to chang your direction thus you have to change yourself on some level.When a realtionship that you poured your heart and soul into dies I think that a part of you dies with it.But unlike getting your arm chopped off the part of you that died grows back.So I don't think we ever really get back to normal.I think that what becomes of us then becomes the norm.We just got to stay positive.

I think that what we are doing is planting those seeds for a new part of us to grow.And I think that once that grows and matures our cynisism will die.(I hope.)

[NJRon]

I thought I'd been through it already in my 40s. I even had the requisite red sports car!

 

Well, I'm preparing for my mid-life by saving up for the new Dodge Challenger

 

[edit: I can't believe I said Charger]

[Dako]

You guys really get it! Cool. I've been feeling like the Lone Ranger on this forum because of my age-relaed crapola. What a relief.

 

I already have the money for a red Ducati Monster. I'm just waiting for the right time to buy it. No flashy leathers, though. I'm a working class kinda guy.

[NJRon]

Yeah, and the other thing I have been contemplating is a career change. I have actually been thinking of dropping out of my I.T. field and going to school for Oriental Medicine and Acupuncture. It's an entirely different direction... so, I have decided to let it sit for a year or so and see if I still feel strongly about it.

 

I was warned that I was going through a mid-life crisis right now at an early age. It kind of opened my eyes and I was able to step back a bit. Still feeling a little lost though as to what I want to do with my life.

 

Unfortunately, that doesn't really leave a lot of room for a serious relationship. I feel that having one would just derail everything. But who knows how I will feel later... just need to ride it out I guess. At least I caught it early enough to not be blowing my life savings... I was *this* close

[keenan]

It's dawning on me that my recovery isn't getting me back to normal at all, but delivering me into a midlife crisis. My snotty inner child is having a field day with this old fart's comic opera. No way would any woman tolerate me. I can't.

 

Isn't every life reevaluation a midlife crisis of sorts? D, You don't have to be proud of yourself right now, and you don't have to shoulder the burden of imagining what women would think of you. That's not your burden yet--so set it down. Your short-term goal isn't a return to "normalcy." Your short-term goal is surviving the highs and lows of this equilibration process without doing long-term damage to yourself or others.

 

Deep breath. You've just come off a big high. The high was about stretching out and imagining yourself as whole and healthy again. That's not a joke--it's a vital part of the process. The process involved distancing yourself from your former relationship so that you can start to mark the boundaries of YOU...by yourself. That's hard...it's humbling, it's terrifying sometimes. It's normal to struggle mightily to figure out those boundaries, and to second guess everything you've done, everything you might want to become. Call it a midlife crisis if it helps to define it and explain it, but don't call it that to trivialize it.

 

D, think about this: There is no perfect end-state. There's no target 'normal' to go forward to, or to go back to, or to judge yourself against. Whatever self-acceptance & happiness that you stumble into will be NEW self-acceptance & happiness, and finding it will take some time. You can't force it. You can't get there faster. (Even on a red Ducati.)

 

So...ease up on yourself. You've got friends to help you along the way, shoulders to cry on, and people to laugh with. And 53 isn't old, so knock that sh!t off.

[Dako]

A career change sounds rewarding. I'm thinking about that as well, but might do some volunteer stuff. I'm waiting to sell the house and buy one of my own, while trying to figure out what I want it for.

 

That's partly why I'm seriously considering the single life.

[Alabama]

I'm happy being by myself. After going through some rough patches, I've decided to choose being single, if I ever decide to pursue a relationship again, I might, but I just want to improve myself. I've found it can get lonely at times being single, but it's wonderful! I have lots of freedom and am learning to depend on myself. My advice is to keep busy or do something that interests you, so you won't get depressed at times. Good luck.

[Dako]

K,

 

THanks for your kind insight I really appreciate you.

You make so much sense, and I'd probably tell myself the same thing if I were objective. It's like an earthquake's delayed aftershock.

 

And 53 isn't old, so knock that sh!t off.

Yes, dear!

[keenan]

You make so much sense, and I'd probably tell myself the same thing if I were objective. It's like an earthquake's delayed aftershock.

 

Good, then you can tell me! It's easier to dish it than to take it.

[NJRon]

I thought 53 was the new 35...

[Scout]

I'm 36, and as far as I'm concerned, 40 is going to be the new 30, and 50 is going to be the new 40, and so on...and so on...

[Dako]

You guys are great.

I really mean it!

[Miss M]

Keenan, great post! This thread was starting to get me down.

 

I was just thinking… if the nice guys get burned and then they all opt out of the love game, that means the girls will only be left with the losers. (The losers NEVER seem to give up.)

 

For a long time I've been blaming myself for only having losers in my life, but I'm going to at least start putting some of the blame on the nice guys who get permanently stuck in their self-rejection because they got badly hurt. Everywhere I go I see lonely single men who look at me and then look away when I look back at them.

 

And there are guys on this board who post all the time to give encouragement, telling the disheartened women to not give up, that there's some nice guy out there who will treat them right, and will truly cherish their kind hearts. I always assumed the guys who tell that to women are themselves the types of nice guys they describe? Isn't it ironic to tell that to a woman and then take yourself out of the game?

[NJRon]

Miss M,

 

Don't give up... there's a nice guy out there that will treat you right and truly cherish your kind heart.

 

 

[keenan]

Miss M, Clearly we need to scoop them up and tag them. They can wear wrist bands.

 

NJRon, cheating doesn't count.

[Miss M]

Miss M,

 

Don't give up... there's a nice guy out there that will treat you right and truly cherish your kind heart.

 

Okay, NJRon, but you DO know what means, right? No more sitting on the bench for you either. ;-) Of course do your proper healing, learn to love yourself again, and even perhaps make your career change, but just also be brave enough to eventually get your "heart" out there again! Afterall, we women need something in our lives besides the losers. Yes, love is always a risky business, but would you rather not have loved at all?

[Miss M]

Miss M, Clearly we need to scoop them up and tag them. They can wear wrist bands.

Yep Keenan, and I've spotted a few guys on these boards I'd like to "scoop" and "tag", Yesiree! \\

[keenan]

Yep Keenan, and I've spotted a few guys on these boards I'd like to "scoop" and "tag", Yesiree! \\

 

ahem.

[shes2smart]

Hey, Dako....

 

I remembered another book that focuses on "happily single" as a viable lifestyle... There's even a few pages at link removed you can peruse....

 

"Singling" - John Landgraf

 

 

[ShySoul]

Miss M,

 

You are on the top of my list of people who deserve a nice guy to be with. I think the good ones are intimidated by your combo of brains, looks, and heart. And they also tend to get jaded after a bad experience or two, thus making it more difficult then usual to approach someone. But they do need to stop using things as an excuse and start to embrace things when they come.

 

Maybe if the guys look away, you should go up and talk to them? Don't give them a chance to avoid you.

 

Though I have to take myself out of the running on being tagged by anyone. Got my sights set on someone else, a truly remarkable lady. Still, if you want an agent to help you get in contact and extol your virtues, you can count on me.