Telling my Family

[Saberina]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months now, before her I had no idea that I was bisexual at all. My family is uber religious and I don't know if I want to tell them or not. I'm pretty sure my parents would die if they knew especially since they are always talking about grandkids. Actually, I don't want to know just yet, cause I am still in college and dependent on them and I don't know how they would react.

 

But anywho, my girlfriend knows all this, and is always bugging me about telling them. I then tell her I don't feel comfortable enough to tell them and that I don't wanna hurt them by telling them. I did however, tell her that I would tell them after I graduate, but she doesn't believe me. Anywho, she then tells me that if I really loved her and wasn't ashamed that I would tell them. It just makes me feel horrible when she says that, cause I know it isn't true.

 

Her family has known that she was bisexual since she was 13; however, her family isn't religious at all. She said that her mother just told her as long as she was happy that she was happy. I love her mom, she's the greatest. So, I guess to her telling the parents should be no big deal, but to tell my parents it's a major step in my life.

 

So, I guess what I am asking is it fair of her to force me into telling my parents even though I don't want to right now. Thanks!

 

-Crystal

[KissMe_KillMe]

No it not fair....

its funny cause she said if you loved her you would tell your parents, but the same goes for her if she loved you she would respect your wishes... all i know is that if you guys dont make a comprimise on this then she or you might move on. and i underline MIGHT

[FoxLocke]

Don't let anyone bully you into coming out, even your girlfriend. Coming out is different for everyone.

 

I can really identify with you in regards to being from a religious background myself.

 

Do what your heart tells you. The moment will come where you will be able to come out to your family, and not care what they think or believe.

[annie24]

Hi and welcome to eNotalone.

 

Don't let anyone ever "force you out." Tell her that you love her, but aren't ready to tell your parents yet, but that you may be one day, and that she just needs to be patient. Tell her that you're just not ready, with your parents being so strict and all.

 

good luck

[ShySoul]

Hi Saberina!

 

It's not fair to be forced into telling anyone. This is a personal choice that you have to make for yourself. No one can make that choice for you and no one should be telling you to do it.

 

She comes from an entirely different background as you. This is good in that it can help you to be more ok with your sexuality, not ashamed by it as you may be if you listened to your family. However, it also means that she is clueless on how to handle situations like this, someone close to you that isn't as open and accepting. All you can do is talk to her and try to explain that your family is different and won't like what you have to tell them. She should be understanding and supportive. Hope this works out for you and she listens better, stops pressuring you. You are already going through enough stress about this, don't need her adding to it.

[Desperatelover76]

I think you should tell them and if they really love you they would accept it and move on but thats my oppinion you have to make up you own mind on what to do were just here to give you advice.

[EnglishSilver]

I think you should tell them and if they really love you they would accept it and move on .

 

That would be absolutely lovely, and as a parent it is the way I would be with my kids no matter what they told me, unfortunately not all parents love their children unconditionally. Your g/f shouldn't be putting you under this sort of pressure. She is very lucky that she has loving support and acceptance from her family, but she has got to understand that it wouldn't be the same for you, and at present your education and future depends on their financial support. Just what does she think your relationship would be like if you had no money or home?! That said, I have a friend who's g/f wont publicly acknowledge their relationship at all even though we all mix with a very gay friendly crowd (they're all fine with me- know I'm gay) and this makes my friend feel a bit insecure. Maybe if you can show her in other ways, depending on your circumstances occasionally holding her hand in public, telling a trusted friend or something like that, your g/f will know that you aren't ashamed of her or your sexuality. Don't give in to pressure to tell your family though - thats your choice if and when you do so, and now is definitely not the time.xx

[Jinx]

My family is uber religious and I don't know if I want to tell them or not. I'm pretty sure my parents would die if they knew especially since they are always talking about grandkids. Actually, I don't want to know just yet, cause I am still in college and dependent on them and I don't know how they would react.

I believe that in a nutshell is enough not to speak of it just yet. If they don't approve there goes the College assistance, aside of losing a happy home as well.

 

In my current situation I've came out to friends and acquaintances but not family but they are extremely religious and have already made it crisp and clear they'd disown any of their children which "became" homosexual. In that case I can understand your problem, as my parents are similar. They speak of marriage and children, what not and so forth.

 

Fortunately, Adoption and new Reproductive Technology doesn't set us back in the child rearing portion. I personally have little interest in biological children, I've had my heart set on adoption in the future when I've reached graduate school, finished it off, settled down and financially stable enough to raise a child. Dating and a Girlfriend before a child wouldn't hurt either, but just have to wait and see on that one. Before I get off the point, I just assume when eventually I do come out and since you mentioned that point, adoption and other methods could soften the blow, depending.

 

Anyhow, as for your girlfriend, she reminds me of a select group which I came out to. Not everyone has accepting parents, and it isn't always rosy, by any means. Just because it was simple for her, it isn't simple for all. Most people still have conflict when they come out, there is an even greater group which avoid coming out to their parents all together because of the fear of negative consequences related to it. I think she really needs to understand that you can't come out at this stage, and you're putting your foot down. There are certain things she can have most or all say so in, but this is not one of them and it is to be a strictly personal decision when it is best for you.

 

Anywho, she then tells me that if I really loved her and wasn't ashamed that I would tell them

This seems to be ringing up as a little red flag nonetheless. She is using a guilt trip method, and that isn't pretty by any means. This is something I personally would watch out for along with her trying to control your coming out decision. It just doesn't seem like a good thing to me, and needs to be nipped in the bud, as soon as possible when possible or else I forsee potential relationship problems on the rise.

 

Anyhow, in the final analysis it is your decision to come out to your parents or not, and if so when is the best time. She needs to realize not every parent is like hers or else there would be no fear of coming out, period. No one would be disowned over being gay, no one would be hurt for being gay. Unfortunately, that isn't so except for a minority where the reaction is strictly positive and open arms accepting. For the gay men I know that are out, there are more that their parents refused to talk to them, disowned them, went into denial, whatever than those that their parents accepted them with open arms.

[novaseeker]

I agree that it is your decision as to when and how to come out to your parents, and you shouldnt be pushed around on that.

 

BUT .... I can say that for a GLBT person to be seriously involved with someone who is not "out" for the kinds of reasons you are not out, is very risky emotionally. From her perspective, it's like if you're not out you could always, at some stage, decide that not being out is more important to you than the relationship, and exit the relationship in order to remain not out. That's a biggish risk for a relationship with a not out person.