Grass wasn't greener. She wants to date me again.

[Frank1607307300]

I haven't posted in so long because I've been busy healing and working on myself. Thanks to all that helped me when I posted about my break months ago.

 

To try to summarize the break up, it happened back in August 26th. We were together for 7 years. She met some other guy and wanted to see what she wanted. "Space n Time" speech. I was in so much pain until a week or so before Thanksgiving. Started NO CONTACT and move on. Focused on myself. She called Thanksgiving day, Christmas Day, New Years eve, my B-day Jan. 5th. and many other times between these days. I ignored all of them completely. Soooooooo hard it was to do. She even called my nephews cell phone to try to find out how I was doing. Well later on my B-day I gave in and finally returned her call. She was so excited to hear from me. I was so surprised because during our break she talked to me like I was nothing. Now she was full of excitement. I kept it short and thanked her for her well wishings. Never asked why she called or what she's been up to or about her new date or dates. Weekends that came after this day, she had called me and invited me to meet up with her on 3 occasions. I brushed away those offers by telling her I had to work which was the truth.

 

This weekend she invited me once again to meet up with her at her sisters which wasn't far from where I live. I took up the offer and went to see her. They had cooked dinner and her family chatted with me like old times. I was there feeling so confident within myself. I had it in my voice, my looks which I worked in the gym for, and my attitude. They even all said I looked very good. I was a train wreck the last time they had saw me. She and I had some alone time and made talk that made each other laugh and smile. Stayed away from how we felt talks. Finally she told me that she had missed me and felt miserable. She even cried . I told her I've worked extremely hard to heal myself and let her go because that was what she had wanted. She told me she cares for me still and loves me. After this I couldn't resist and asked her about the guy she met and wanted to date. After all this was what broke my heart into a million pieces. Leaving me for another man. She told me the 1st guy she dated went back to his ex. The 2nd guy which she dated since October decided to not talk to her no more. He told her "let's end it hear" which happened just a couple of weeks ago. He also went back to his ex. I told her I was sorry it happened. She said she ended up not knowing them as well as she thought at the end of each date. She thought of me while she was with them. I did in fact tell her I met someone but we are just talking only. We do like each other but nothing has happened but a few dates and talking. I still needed my time to know what I wanted.

 

Here is what I got out of our first meeting since the last time I saw her back in September. She got hurt about the guy that left what she thought was a good thing between them for his ex. She said she did not like the way it ended. The idiot just said lets end it hear and he was getting back with his ex. I guess he used her as a rebound. She asked me if I would like to go out with her this coming up weekend and then bring her back to her sisters house so she can spend a night there. I told her just call me when the time comes. What am I going to do if she calls for the date??? I'm scared that she really likes this guy still and if he ever decides to call her up...what will she do? Will she see him? Is she using me to rebound from this guy?

 

Here is my dilema. I still love my ex with all of my heart. I am happy that it didn't work out with the new men. I'm happy she said she missed me during this whole time and told me she cares and loves me still . I felt bad that I felt good that she said she was miserable. I happy and all that she invited me so many times to see her. Very flattered she asked me to pick her up this weekend for a date and drop her off at her siters house which is almost a 2hour drive. Feeling all this, I really like this new girl I've been talking to but haven't took it a step further. I kinda closed myself to this new girl because I was scared how much I liked her and moreso now since my ex started contacting me more heavily. I'm starting to confuse myself. I'm just afraid if I give my ex another try at our relationship she may walk back to the arms of the last guy she dated and I would have lost my chances in going further with the new girl. I'm in a dilema of giving up one oppurtunity for another. How can I take her back after she left me for another man? I need some advice and takes.

[melrich]

Frank, probably only you can answer this.

 

If I was giving you advice, and I don't think I know enough to be confident about saying this, I'd say forget the ex. My only real reason for saying this is the failure rate of "get back togethers" is so high and it sounds like potentially you have something really good just starting to emerge.

[ocrob]

Well I guess you are in a good dilemma. I am guessing your girl has realized that you are someone that she wants to be with. I think you should keep things open, but pursue this other woman. Your ex had her time to experiment and now it is your time. I would be honest with her and tell her that you still have feelings with her, but you also want to see what this new friendship has to offer. I think she owes it to you to wait around for a little while. She had the opportunity to meet two different men and you should have the opportunity to get to know this other woman. I think you should try to spend as much time with this other woman as possible to see if there may be a connection. It would be great, if you got back with your ex, but not until you have experienced something new. This new woman may be amazing. Your ex probably loves you, but she is going back to something that was comfortable and she probably realizes she messed up. There is no reason why she should not wait for you. Keep in touch with her and still explore your other possibility. She owes that to you and you owe it to yourself. If she is not willing to wait, then she does not truly love you or at least value your relationship. This was always something I worried about. I decided that if my ex wanted me back, then she would have to wait for me. I bet your ex loves you, but don't be the go to guy. Spend some time with the new woman and see what happens. You are just dating so you are allowed to still see your ex. Once sex is involved it changes things, but it does not sound like you are at that point. I say you keep in touch with the ex, but don't be overly available and try to spend time with the other woman.

[spunkykatt]

Hum...well I have learnt from personal experiences that if you take someone back after they leave you for someone else it usually doesnt work out. There is that doubt and mistrust there, and very few people ever overcome that if they re-enter the relationship. I think that you have worked hard to get where you are now, and mainly she is looking for comfort right now, she has been rejected...and what better way to make herself feel better then to start back her old relationship which she "chose" to be the one leaving. She figures that you would be happy to be with her, since she left you first. If I was you I would continue with the path your on, and start a new relationship with the girl you have been talking to. There is too much baggage in this relationship, and if you go back could you ever feel secure with her, and not have it in the back of your mind that she could at any point leave you again for another man. Lets face it, you have started to move on, and you dont need to stop now...good luck.

[PassionatePices]

"I'm just afraid if I give my ex another try at our relationship she may walk back to the arms of the last guy she dated and I would have lost my chances in going further with the new girl. I'm in a dilema of giving up one oppurtunity for another. How can I take her back after she left me for another man? I need some advice and takes."

 

My advice to you is move on and give this new opportunity a shot.

[heloladies21]

Going back to someone with a criminal love record is a bad idea. Precedent has been set, if she could get away with it once, she can surely get away with it again, and history has a way of repeating itself.

 

As always do what you feel is right, but she would surely dump you for another man in the future again.

[ocrob]

I think that what everyone said is very valid, but you never know. She may have learned from her mistakes or she is just not the person you should be with. I would talk to her about your concerns and get a feel for what she is thinking. I still think you should explore your new relationship. If the ex is willing to wait around, then maybe she is serious. I don't blame you for being worried. I hope she realizes that you are the man and not just running back to you because of her relationships not working. None of us really know. She may have realized how special you are or she is going back to something comfortable. Only you know her and we don't. Keep talking to the new girl and keep things open with the ex, if you think things could be good.

[Frank1607307300]

I actually told both my ex and the new woman about each other. My ex did say if I wanted to further pursue the new one, that she owes it to me. The new woman helped me out so much in my healing process because she has been through a break up similar to mine before. BTW I met the new girl around the same time as my ex. I didn't mean to compare her to my ex, but it happened and she is so amazing. Very spirtial and very loving. Much more understanding than my ex. We just got in touch with each other about a month after my break up.

 

I just wanted to make sure I didn't hurt my ex because if things go the way it has been, I feel I will completely move on from my ex. Sure she hurted me but I wouldn't do it back to her in anyway because I still care for her. I just love her so much still and that's why it's such a difficult decision. Why do I love her when she left me for another man? Even willing to date her...I guess I'm not over her or I'm just wishing for it to have a happy ending.

 

Is it wrong to date them both at the same time without telling either one while I do it? I just think that if I would tell either one, I will create drama. This weekend will be a true test because they will each want to hang out. I'm going to take it one step at a time like I have been up to this point. I will see the response from the new woman and also see if ex makes contact tomorrow on Valentines Day.

[spunkykatt]

Man your playing with fire...and if you arent careful your gonna get burned Im afraid to say. Dont let all the progress you have made be thrown away, and lose the new woman in your life who has done nothing to hurt you but rather be supportive of you in your recovery.

[curlygirl47]

Don't date them both without either of them knowing. They will find out, and they will deeply resent you --- and you'll probably get dumped by both of them. Hearing your story makes me wonder about my ex, who dated and apparently adored me during the four months we were together, and then started talking about getting back together with his ex and split with me. I didn't ask any questions, but I think he tried to be with her briefly, and it didn't work out. Since then, things haven't been the same with us because I resent what he did and he feels guilty. This is in spite of the fact that we really are crazy about each other. So --- do what you have to, but you may really be blowing it with this new woman, who sounds like she's spectacular.

[moondog627]

Dude, if nothing is serious with this new girl then there's nothing wrong with dating someone else. Just don't lie about it, to either one. It pretty much goes without saying that when you're first starting to date someone, there is no exclusivity (unless of course you've spelled that out already with the new girl). What you do in your private time is your business and if they can't handle that then tough for them.

[Frank1607307300]

Ex called me just about an hour ago. Wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. Told me she told pretty much everyone she knows that we are starting to talk again. I wasn't really talking at all but just listening and listened to her very closely. She was doing a heavy load of talking and got a sense of her opening up. She mentioned the followings and I'll lay it in the order she said it.

 

1. She is happy to hear and see how I changed myself. I seemed more warm.

2. She still wanted to sort things out before she decides to date me.

3. She wanted to start fresh and on a clean slate with me...she would not ask me any questions about my past anymore and neither would I ask her about hers. She said it just sucks to have to talk about past dates.

4.While she is sorting it out...she is OK if I decide to date other people in the meantime. She owes that to me she said.

5.She said she would like me to call her whenever I wanted to.

 

After this we kept it to small talk about what she was watching and what she planned on cooking for her tomorrow's work lunch. I said I had to go and needed to eat myself.

 

I'm taking things very slowly. I am leaning to keeping my options open. I still love my ex and I want to be super careful with any person I date including my ex. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone including myself. I just feel like if I still love my ex...I'm not giving anyone that I date a true chance at my heart...

 

BTW new girl just sent me a lovely text about the flowers I sent to her for Valentine's Day as I was typing this reply.

[melrich]

Told me she told pretty much everyone she knows that we are starting to talk again.

 

That sounds really manipulative to me.

 

Frank, I think you are going into dangerous territory. I think you really need to make a decision about which way you want to go, accepting the risk that whichever way you go you will likely lose one of these girls.

 

The way you are handling this at the moment, sort of sitting on the fence, you will possibly lose both I think.

[Frank1607307300]

Melrich,

I do talk to the new girl as much as I can. I really would like to talk to her more but we have opposite work schedules. I am talking to her on my IM as we speak. When my ex said she was ok that I date someone else while she sorts things out. I felt I more at ease to let go some of my feelings for her and really pursue the new girl and take it a little further. Yes it does feel like I'm against the fence but I want to be really careful on the decision I make and yes I know I will lose one of them for good.

[melrich]

Yeah, all I mean by this is make your decision sooner rather than later. They may both be understanding now but as soon as they get a sense that you are unsure about either of them (and at the moment you are unsure about both of them) their understanding may dry up quicker than you think.

[moondog627]

I agree that sooner or later you will have to make a decision. But seriously man, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT NOW. This is still waaay premature. Nothing has even really happened yet. And you're right Frank, by dating this other girl you will be able to keep your feelings in check a lot more than if your ex was the only pursuit. The best mindset to keep is to put a little more weight towards the new girl (emotionally) and act as if your ex is a long shot, which she is in reality. And I mean not a long shot in terms of getting back together but in having things work out for the long run. You are in a good position my man and I'm right there with you. We hold the power, we are the prize. Don't be afraid of being a little ambiguous. The only thing that rang a bell for me was when she said "She still wanted to sort things out before she decides to date me." It's not up to her man, it's up to YOU. Don't lose sight of that.

[Royltnxile]

"How can I take her back after she left me for another man? I need some advice and takes.

 

Easy, ...you DON"T. When a woman pulls that whole "time & space" routine it means it's over. She left you for another man? My guess is that she was probably sleeping with the other man before she dropped you, because that's what women do, Frank. Sad, but true.

 

Now she is turning back to you because her new guy turned out to be a loser and she needs you there for her. Say you and her got back together? Would you ever be able to trust her fidelity and level of commitment after she dumped you for another guy? Wouldn't you be constantly wondering what she was doing, who she was with, and wouldn't the nagging doubts and insecurities that come along with the knowledge that she could dump you again at anytime, drive you nuts? I'm guessing it would. I really, really liked Heloladie's remark about the "criminal love record". He's right!

 

Date them both casually and keep both of them at an "emotional arms distance". There's nothing wrong with that, and it's YOUR business, not the new girls, not the ex's. Currently, after reading your story, my take is that your ex is trying very hard to manipulate you into returning to her. Don't let her do it!

[leeroybrown]

I feel your pain man. I was with a girl for 2 years and well she cheated on me and left me for another guy. I loved this girl with all my heart and still do to this day and I know the new guy she's with is only infatuation. Well, when we broke up I didn't follow the No Contact advice and did all the wrong things and well it just made it harder. One night we talked and I had thought it was the last time we would talk because it ended badly. Well, the next night she calls me out of the blue and told me I was right and she was making a mistake and needed my friendship. So I told her I would be there for her as a friend and listened to her problems and all the other things. Then a few days later I wrote her an email and said I can't talk to you for awhile, I need my space to heal. It's like in my own way, I gave myself the power to decide when and how, if I ever speak to her again. I may call her in a few months or maybe pick up the phone when she calls in a few months or I may not. In the meantime, I'm living my life and she can deal with her regrets and her mistakes of leaving someone who really loved her and her mistake of falling for a guy who only says he loves her.

[Frank1607307300]

There is no pain in me anymore about the break. I took the break and learned from it. I'm not saying I was the best man and she would never find no one like me at all. Neither am I taking the complete blame for the break. Honestly I deserved to get dumped after reflecting back at our relationship. If I were to lose either one of them or both...I know I will be ok. I am OK right now all by myself. I am not obligated to anything or anyone. Sure I may feel lonely nowadays when the weekend comes and don't have someone to hug or make love to, but I am so use to it right now. I am not going to rush any decisions and if I lose them both then so be it. It's all about ME! Yes I would keep the emotions very distant if I were to date not just either one of these women, but any woman that will ever come into my life. I learned alot and my guard is heavily up. I'll just keep it moving in the meantime which got me to where I'm at.

[Frank1607307300]

Well I sent flowers to the new girl on Valentine's Day and everything seemed so wonderful, but recently it has fizzled out. I left her messages asking her out before the Valentines and after and never got a response. I do not have no idea what so ever...I'm totally stumped about this because I took her out to a couple of concerts and met her family during her b-day and all of a sudden...NOTHING. She was always suggesting we go out and when I found something to do she was all ok. I did not tell her about the ex calling or even meeting up with her. I left her another message a couple of days ago and she never replied. I thought there was something here but I guess not. I do really like this person and I expressed that to her, but it just seems I'm getting no response from her.

 

I met for the 2nd time with the ex at her father b-day party. This time she seemed distant then our first meeting after the break up. I chatted with her mother whom got into a car accident a few days earlier. I left that night without and we just hugged. We were in the same house but felt 100 miles apart. She called me later that night sounding more warm and I asked her if everything was ok. She gave me the "I'm confused and need time" to clear her head line. I got a red flag here and we talked again the next day. I told her I was backing off because I felt I was getting mixed signals. She asked me about how I felt about her, which I was very hesitant in telling her. I gave in and told her how much I loved her and what she meant to me. I didn't want to be brought down again by her confusion and I backed off. She then called me 2 days later and her mother took a blood test after the accident and has asthma. Furthermore there is a possibilty that she may have lung cancer. My ex was very worried and she was very down. I gave her some support and told her I still need to back off from her. We haven't talked for 3 days now and I'm feeling a little down all over again. I think I need to go back into full NC unless it's an emergency concerning her mother. I'm not sure what to do here.

[starion]

Frank,

I want to give my input from two sides.

 

This is what she said:

1. She is happy to hear and see how I changed myself. I seemed more warm.

So, you were not good enough before? Kind of blame things on you!

She SHOULD be warm and she SHOULD be wiping the floor in front of you and begging for forgiveness

2. She still wanted to sort things out before she decides to date me.

WHAT!!! She called, she wanted something, now once she got a feel that you are still there ready to take her she begins her BS routine again waiting for some knight in shining armor to sweep her off her feet and kind of hopeing that maybe she will see that knight in YOU

3. She wanted to start fresh and on a clean slate with me...she would not ask me any questions about my past anymore and neither would I ask her about hers. She said it just sucks to have to talk about past dates.

Not a bad idea, but why would she starts putting all these conditions up front, she doesn't even know * * * she wants but she is already covering her tracks, JUST IN CASE. Of course, she would have to say all about her running around and what not and she doesn't want that. But YOU should be the one putting conditions like these, not HER.

4.While she is sorting it out...she is OK if I decide to date other people in the meantime. She owes that to me she said.

I am just going to take a guess here. She feels like she can snatch you back ANYTIME, women have a good intuition about this so she is not concerned if you date. Actually she wants to even the playing field a bit so she can always throw it back at you, well you "dated" too.

5.She said she would like me to call her whenever I wanted to.

Well, ya, of course, she wants to see you running circle around her again.

 

dude, I really don't want to be mean or nasty, I really don't. I would even go as far as saying if I could take half your pain away to myself I would. But I can't do it for two reasons, it is not physically possible and I can't handle anymore pain, I have had enough.

 

Here is my input from the second side.

Probably not everyone who replied to this thread can understand that state of confusion that your x-gf is going through. I could never understand it myself, hence my first response. But once I have experienced this state of complete confusion and sense of being completely lost and not able to make any decisions, other than just wait and wait and wait I can relate a little better.

What can I tell you? Well, you have to decide yourself if you want to be with her or not, or are you confused as she is?

Stop going to her house for dinner(she wanted a clean slate didn't she). Try not to beat the answers from her, no matter how much my gf(xgf) wanted answers, I truly didn't have them.

At first we didn't talk about anything "US" just met once a week and talked about things but not "US". Sooner or later it becomes apparent that things have to move in either direction. It was very tough for me as I wanted to take things slower...

Anyway, the relationship will never be the same, you will never be the same in that relationship and neither will she. It can be better, I am sure and I am sure it can last but if it comes to that don't make a mental mistake that I did/still doing of trying to "capture" the past. The past and the innocence is gone and GONE for good. It is not bad but for me it was hard realization.

 

Sorry for long and probably confusing answer, hopefully it can help you in some ways

[Frank1607307300]

Starion,

I feel exactly that way in your 5 points. I'm totally lost in her confusion and it has brought me back down which was the reason I am backing off. Sure I want her back but I am starting to get iffy. You are right that she is trying to set things on her terms which I'm upset about. It's been 3 days since we talked and it feels like the beginning of NC all over again. I don't try to get answers from her, but she just starts saying all of these things out of her A double S. Well if she wants me to call whenever I want to and then tells me she's still confused, it's hurting and pushing me away.

 

Now here is some insight that I am feeling that will push me totally away. When we first broke up 6 months ago, I got stupid and asked the question who the guy was because I was hurt. She told me these following things about him.

 

1. His name was Dan and she met him maybe around 10 years back at a wedding.

2. Her cousin told him she single again and they ended up talking by phone.

3.He lived in LA and was a mechanic. Saw each other only here and there because she lived in San Diego. Almost 2 hours apart.

 

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago during a phone convo after our first meeting. I had asked her why she was not acting cold to me now and I though she was seeing someone new. She said it ended sour with him going back to his ex. So I asked the same stupid questions again about him.

1. His name was Dan and she happened to just meet him at Starbucks.

2. He is a software engineer.

3. He lives in San Diego too and they meet each other often after work.

 

I did not say anything. I just kept the lie she made about him to myself. I was just in disbelief. I've realized that I cannot trust this person anymore. I cannot believe anything she says. I don't have any sense of honesty within her anymore. Sure if I love her I must look past this man but I just cannot look past her lie after lie during the break up process. The confusion she puts me in is awful. During our relationship I was always the person to bring issues out to light and talk about it while she always kept things to herself.

 

Right now I feel like I must end this once and for all, but I do not know how I will build up strength and courage to do it. When and if she calls again, which I know she will soon, I don't know what to say. I think you can see the confusion that I am in. I feel like I am running out of time.

[starion]

As I stated about her "confused" state, don't try to understand it, it is nearly impossible to understand just believe it.

She probably made up a "nicer" version of the story because back then it didn't really matter, she thought she was all set and now since she is at least considering you...

Here is what I would try to figure out. Is she confused because she realized what a terrible mistake she made and she is trying to somehow put all the pieces together in her head on how to rebuild something with you OR that dude went back to his ex, she got left out in the cold, remembered about you in some ways and thinks she can just jump back in, but things are not the same and they never will be so now she is confused.

am i making any sense here?

[Frank1607307300]

Starion,

I hear you. She called last night and talked for about an hour. This time I didn't get put into any of her confusion and felt more at ease. Her main concern is her mother's health at the moment and wanted to be there for her right now. Other than that it was small talk. I decided to continue focusing on myself and keep a limited contact. I know she was somewhat hurt when I ignored her during our 6 months apart. Since she contacted me to meet up, I lost my focus. I stopped going to the gym, hanging out and talking to friends. Thanks for the advice...I have a much better feel of what to do and handle this fragile situation.

[Big Jim]

Starion,

Quick question for you, could you please try to elaborate what this "confusion" is like? My ex has been feeling lost for 6 months now, and is comletely not acting herself, i just want to try to understand..