He's back.

[nataliejulie]

I know a lot of you have followed my drama with my ex-boyfriend. I know a lot of you boo'd the fact I would even be friendly towards him, considering our past and how he has behaved.

 

(A brief background) - Our break up has lasted six months. We have been lingering on this for forever, it feels. Sometimes we'll be intimate, sometimes we'll just spend time as friends.

 

The thing is, he never puts effort. He wouldn't call me back, he would never seem interested in me, he acted really shady, he would be angry over the smallest of things.

 

Now, for the past two weeks, we have tried to be friends. It seems much more calmer now, only due to the fact that I'm going on with my life and it's been six months of drama that I can't handle anymore. I don't put in the effort. The other night, I actually confessed a deep secret to him. I told him it wasn't out to change things or fix things or even make them better, I just wanted to be honest. During our relationship, I had mood swings, paranoia and a temper of a crazy person -- that suffered our relationship and caused us to have the worst fights imaginable. I told him that three months into our relationship, I started taking pills (and I'm not talking over the counter) to lose weight. I wanted to stop, it screwed with my head, but the fear gaining weight and my self esteem was much worse. Now I'm underweight, 5' 7" and close to 110lbs, not to mention, without a boyfriend.

 

This is where things start to change -- I have some stuff of his that he's been trying to get back. Instead of his usual and expected "just mail it", he's been really intent on meeting up. We text back and forth funny conversations, jokes. He calls me back, he calls when he says he will, and even spent the other night over the phone helping me with my college paper. Of course, theres a few days in between our conversations and sometimes a phone call will only last a minute (I've tried to make it short). He's asked to see me (his excuse was to get his stuff), I said I was busy.

 

Then yesterday, pigs started flying, hell froze over and things became different for a change. We were texting back and forth, he asked if I could give him a haircut (yet again, I was busy). That was around 3 pm. I got home from work at 9pm and he calls me at 9:30pm. This is the first time, in months, that he has called me on his own, randomly. We talked for about a long time, really nice conversation, tells me how he really didn't feel like going out with his friends, bla bla. Stays in to talk to me instead. Not to mention, the whole conversation was based about me, how I'm doing and what's new with me. (He never asks about my life) Around the end of the conversation, I talked about how much I wanted to go snowboarding... his response is how much money he has for it, where to go, and basically inviting himself out with me. Then asks what I'm doing. I said I was sick and staying in, plus theres a snow storm going on. Then I said I had his favorite TV show on DVD (didn't even ask to hang out, just said I had it) He got really excited about it, told me he'd get in the shower right away, so we can watch it together. I had to tell him that it wasn't a good idea, I'm sick and I rather just go to bed early.

We ended the conversation by making plans today. He told me to give him a call, so maybe we can go to a movie tonight. Nothing about his stuff, no excuses to give him a "haircut", just wanted to see me.

 

 

Who knows why he's changed his tune. I can't remember the last time he's been this nice to me, given me this effort and been so interested in me. I can't tell you what I expect because I always expected him to be cold. He's even told me twice last week how he's trying to convince himself that his feelings are so chemical and he can control them. Maybe he's realizing there's no on and off switch?

[Itsok]

ERG, I don't think it's a good idea to meet up. I have been following your story for quite some time now, and it doesn't seem that you two are right for each other. You are just too different in every way. Mentally you are so much more mature than him, and are ready for something more deep than he is. He seems quite shallow, no offense.

 

If it looks like a rat, smells like a rat and periodically bites like a rat...it's a rat. Certainly it can disguise itself as something else, but it's always a rat deep down.

 

Remember that if you allow him 'back in' there's no turning back, and you may just face the whole drama over again.

 

Think through this one: unless you can honestly say "this man is someone I could marry. This man would be a good father to my children. This man will grow with me to become what I want to be..." it's time to cut the contact and move forward on your own.

 

Hugs darling.

[DN]

I hope things turn out as you would like them to - but be careful and guard your heart.

[kellbell]

Hey NJ,

 

I have been following your story too. Aren't you in the least bit suspicious about what he is up to? He was incrediably nasty to you last time you talked to him. No one changes THAT fast. Just because he is being nice to you now does not mean you have to let your guard down and be nice back. Do not sell yourself short with this guy. Let him be nice to you all he wants and suck up to you...you deserve much better than him. If he needs his hair cut, recommend a barber or the like. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself.

 

I would strongly advise you to be extrememly careful with him and if wants to be your friend ever again, he is going to work MUCH harder that that. Take care and wishing you all the best.

[Lady Bugg]

Natalie, have you read the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken"? Excellent book. If you haven't read it..read it....rather than meeting up with your ex.

 

I am in agreement with Kell....that's it's suspicious how he suddenly just "turns" into this nice guy. I hate to say it but he is probably lonely..and wanting sex. I don't mean to be harsh, but from your history...it's my gut feeling.

 

Either way...good luck

[Mstyiyd]

Hey NJ,

 

What up, girl? Well, I guess I can read what's up! When the weather changes, ppl can seem to change too! Like the others, you know I've been following your story for a couple months now and I have to agree w/the others---PLEASE be careful. I've been in your position a million times w/my ex. My ex has never been outright verbally abusive, but the other gameplaying in your case w/your ex is identical to mine and what mine still does w/me.

 

Honestly? I think he is keeping you as a "puppet on a string". He calls because he knows he can, because he knows chances are you'll answer the phone. You may be guarded at first, but he probably knows how to "be" with you to get you to loosen up and go back to "square one". It is possible he doesn't have a g/f and is lonely, bored, wants sex, or just wants to see how far he can go with you. Mine does the same thing and it makes me crazy and feel unhealthy. I worry that that is what is going on w/him right now. He was such a d#*$ to you only a little while ago, downright abusive. Alot of times, they come around when they need or want something and they know you'll provide it. And just when you settle into it thinking he's got your back/is really there for you....poof! He'll withdraw again and be mean and ugly and you'll be left in tears & confusion.

 

If you feel you can't not pick up the phone, then talk with him but establish firm boundaries, don't tell him everything you're up to whether he asks or not (mine is the same way---rarely cares enough thru the self absorption to ask how Im doing yet they still want to know), don't discuss too much of your feelings @ him because he may/may not want to go there and see your reaction. He may need companionship, comfort, money, who knows. But unless he became a new person that was HONEST and owned up to his crap and how he treats you, don't give too much of yourself or your time. Don't jump every time he wants to hang out or talk. Because it sounds like he wants to see if you'll rush to pick up the phone and then u get off the phone sometimes feeling worse bec.he doesn't ask u to hang out, or you don't get exactly what or WHY he is calling.

 

Sorry for rambling, I just gotta lot of my own emotions for my own life @ this! Good luck, NJ! Keep us posted, I'll be rooting for you...

[nataliejulie]

Lady Bugg - I've read it and reccommended to a number of people.

 

Everyone suspicious of his actions... yes, it's suspicious. But if he can't change, then I guess I can't either? I treated him awful for months before our break up, so I'm on the fence with this. I believed I could change, I did. I'm not saying he instantly changed either, rather just is starting to turn around. And I'm pretty set on the idea of him being so angry towards me at times is resentment against me with what I've done in the past.

 

And about the sex & company -- the past few times I have seen him, no sex. In the past when we would see each other, there were quite a number of times when we didn't have sex. To be honest, there were times when he's actually rejected ME for sex. As far as I know, he has been spending time with another girl. And his social life is busier than it's ever been, so I'm not so sure it's just about the company.

 

 

Mstyiyd - thanks for the advice. The past month, I haven't jumped to answer the calls, even picked up told him I'd call back and didn't till hours later. The more I pulled back, the more he pushed through.

[Mstyiyd]

Well, that's good that you've been establishing boundaries with him, it can be really hard to implement it but easy to say to yourself what you're going to do when it happens. NC is hard, reconnecting w/that person is hard.

I would definitely keep the no-sex thing going indefinitely for your own protection, health wise and emotional wise. Even if that's not the most pressing issue. And don't think people can't change. I think its realistic to know that most people have a hard time changing because most people don't choose to look deep inside themselves and typically blame others for their own actions or justify/manipulate reasons WHY they do what they do. In my own case w/my ex that is exactly what has always gone on, and I sit with the whole wishful thinking about what had been and what could have been....etc etc.....when really, she has prob. always been who I'm seeing her as now. Your ex has prob always been who you're seeing him to be now, too.

It sounds like you have alot more insight into yourself and that relationship than he could ever have. And what sucks is, you can't make him 'see the light', so to speak. He is going to have to see it for himself and nothing u can say/do is gonna make that come about. And THAT is the most frustrating part of it all.

If he is seeing another girl, whether or not it's just a hookup thing or a dating thing, the only thing I could think of why he is coming back around is an ego issue. In case it doesn't work w/this new chick, or to see if u still "want" him-----ppl like that love NOTHING MORE than to know an ex still pines away for them. Makes 'em feel FAT CAT. I call it Fat Cat Syndrome (FCS). And I've told my own ex that is what she is.....an "FCS". She hates when I've said it! LOL.........and you sound like a sweet girl, and he knows deep down that you're probably better to him/for him than the trash he prob messes around with.

Who knows, maybe I'm off the mark here.......just my thoughts. It sounds real similar to my own. I've reinitiated NC w/my ex not bec. we got into it, just bec. she wants to be friends yet puts zero effort into it and I don't need that crap in my life. We only talk/hang out on HER terms now and screw that.......haven't talked to her since Feb 1, and if she chooses to call I will deal w/it then. I think she's got a new girl or new party crowd herself, and FCS has come back into play they tire of each other, is when I guess I'll be called.........but I'm going out, having fun with my genuine friends, taking care of myself, and working hard. Trying to move on. It all comes around........................life is a balancing act.......(i hope!!!!)

[annie24]

Huge thumbs down from me.

[octopus]

NJ,

 

What could have changed? If I were you, I'd ask myself this. What could have - or has - changed that will make the relationship different (hopefully, better)?

 

Good luck and I hope whatever happens will happen for the best.

[nataliejulie]

NJ,

 

What could have changed? If I were you, I'd ask myself this. What could have - or has - changed that will make the relationship different (hopefully, better)?

 

Good luck and I hope whatever happens will happen for the best.

 

 

Thanks, octopus.

 

There was a lot of resentment between the two of us in our relationship. I was very immature, I felt very self sacraficing, my self esteem took a blow (not from him but for numerous reasons), and I blamed him, I resented him. And the more I acted coldly towards him, the more he resented me. Our communication wasn't so great, instead of talking, or releasing my feelings... I just let them build up, or I hassled him, or even caused fights.

We have talked about it. Everything between us is so right -- our attraction, our hobbies, things we like, things we don't like, things we want out of a relationship, you name it.. it's there -- but when it comes to talking and working with each other, there's all this grey area.

 

Lately, we've been talking without fighting. We've been agreeing and even laughing about some of the drama in the past. It's almost like we're slowly trying to let go of all that resentment and try to work FOR each other. For example, the other day, we both named something about the other we didn't like/or have done, what we could do to change that and how it made us feel. Usually, there's a lot of name calling and finger pointing, but instead, we were getting somewhere.

 

 

PS - I did not get to see him Sunday. We were hit with 20" of snow over the weekend.

[curlygirl47]

I hope everything goes well. According to somebody famous whose name I can't remember, "The only cure for love is to love more."

[OCD]

Hi NJ,

All I can say is good luck......who knows with this guy....I suppose anything is possible....just be careful, tread very very lightly, ok....take care...

 

OCD

[NotMyself]

Just thought I'd drop in to say hello and to wish you the best!

 

Umm... Oh yeah... If you don't have plans for tomorrow, will you be my Valentine??

[PrincessLinzay]

In my opinion, the reason that it seems he has spontaneously "changed" is because you aren't making yourself readily available to him all the time. You pulled back, didn't start running when he offered up his time, and now he's afraid he's lost control of the situation.

 

He's become accustomed to having you respond to his every whim, and now that you've been "busy", he is turning up the charm. You've now become a "challenge" and he is responding in kind.

 

If I were you, I would be extremely wary of this "change" of his. He has previously displayed (on numerous occasions) just how cruel he can really be. My guess is, that as soon as you let your guard down and start agreeing to spend time with him, the offers will become scarce and he will again resort to his previous behaviors.

 

Yes, people can change. But it takes a lot of time, and a willingness on the part of the person who needs to change to admit their faults. You acknowledge that at one point you were less then kind in the relationship. Do you think he acknowledges the same thing? For some reason, I don't see him doing that.

 

I would take this "change" with a grain of salt, and continue to move forward with your life. Don't get stuck at a stand still with this guy.

 

Good luck!

[annie24]

Strong second to what Princess Linzay said!!!!!!! I don't know how quickly he "changed."

 

I think this guy has caused you enough heartache.

[RayKay]

Thirding Princess Linzay's comments!

 

Your ex has already proven that he can make some reproaches and turn on the charm - involve you in his life, and then turn around and be cruel, tell others he could never be with you again, and so forth.

 

Do you remember some of those conversations where he was absolutely horrendous to you? Because I sure do, and honey, being sweet now does not make up for that horrible attitude. Did he ever apologize even? If not, it's an even better sign to be wary.

 

You deserve someone to love you 100% of the time, even when you are fighting, whom will be there for you, and not just when you are moving on.

 

Be careful with your heart, and tread carefully.

[nataliejulie]

Thanks, ladies, for the fore-warning!

 

 

He has been terrible in the past, which is why I AM guarded and not rushing to spend time with him. But at the same time, I was pretty bad too... I promised to change about 10 times during our relationship and what it took me was losing him to actually want to.

 

Him being sweet and turning on the charm, is actually a surprise. The only other time I can say he's done this is when we were "dating" back in September/October.

 

 

There could be a few factors that lead to this re-coming around.

 

1. Trust -- I've known how to play piano since the third grade. During the whole time I was with him, I refused to play. I refused to play so strongly, he believed I was lying about my talent. Truth was, it's one of the few things I'm really good at and him being critical as he is, with the self esteem I had facing me, I rather have pulled out my own teeth than played for him. Now, he recently began talking to a friend of mine and found out I have been giving his daughter piano lessons. Not only that, my ex was so interested about this, he drilled my friend on how well I could play and the background on how he thought I lied. Little things like that.

 

Plus, in the past, he made little effort to befriend my friends. Now he is, actually wants to spend time with them and doesn't mind talking about his feelings for me (he has to know this comes back to me, right?)

 

 

2. My attitude -- I confessed to him a week ago about a diet pill habit I could not stop. During this time, my head was so warped I couldn't even think straight. I've lost over 50lbs over that time, not to mention my self esteem. I have stopped, in January. Since then, a lot has changed with me. Even my self esteem has been improving a lot and I'm feeling like my old self every more each day. He was extremely supportive of me the other night when I told him about my plans to gain healthy weight and stop smoking. The usual ex would have laughed at me when I would mention the stopping-smoking, but he was really happy to hear about it.

 

 

It took me six months to realize it was me that needed to change, not him. I've been on a path to self destruction since last year and could care less about myself or my health. I was always depressed, miserable, moody and not very fun to be around.

[Echo]

It sounds like Natalie is romanticising her ex simply because he's being nice right now. It's easy to forget how awful someone was to us when you want to believe

so badly. How many times is he going to have to disrespect you for you to "get it"?

I notice YOU try to take a lot of the blame for HIS behavior. Like YOU caused it. This is a common trait of someone who has been mentally or emotionally abused...which I hate to say...you have.

Don't you deserve BETTTER than the crumbs this guy is feeding you?? Seriously?

[Itsok]

Sadly I agree there. You take a lot of the blame in this relationship, over things he has done.

 

Be careful honey, we don't want to see you crawling.

[nataliejulie]

Once upon a time, I have hit my ex, I have scratched him, I screamed at him infront of his family, I have screamed at him infront of his friends, I would log his cell phone calls, I would monitor everything he's done, I would smell him if there was another woman on him, I wouldn't let him hang out with his friends, I've kicked him out of my car and made him walk home, I have threw his clothes in the garbage because he didn't say he loved me, I have ripped up all his love letters and threw them at his face because he didn't kiss me, I would purposely hurt his feelings and make him jealous, I would go out of my way to purposely ruin his day...

 

Oh the list goes on. A million and one things I've done that I'm not proud of.

 

I was immature, unstable, and, just plain crazy.

 

And what has he done? For months, he put his tail between his legs and let it happen, after me promising over and over again to get help, to change, to stop being that way.

 

So tell me now, if someone treats you like that,

do you REALLY expect him to treat me ever-so nicely and forgiving after all of that?

[annie24]

You're making excuses for him again.....

[selfi]

Hey NJ, I was waiting for another thread from you

Its expectant that there would of been many opposing view points from others and I must say im on the fence here.

Im glad that essentially doing NC has worked for you and that youre happy, but at the same time I also agree with what Echo has advised you. He hit the nail on the head in just a few sentences.

Personally I think your ex should be grovelling a bit more to win back your time and care. He's a very lucky man.

[kellbell]

NJ,

 

For your sake, please stop making excuses for him. So you were a little nutty at times, it didn't give him the right to treat you the way he has and the things he has said to you. I truly think you are better off without him in your life. Ok, you made some mistakes, you learned from them, use that knowledge and wisdom you have gained in a future relationship. I made mistakes in my relationships and I like to think I have learned from them and can't wait to test out my knowledge on someone better suited and more deserving of me. My ex's do not deserve my wisdom and growth. Your ex does not deserve you. Period. I truly hope things will get better for you very soon. **hugs**

[nataliejulie]

The whole point here is to start fresh, forgive, move forward and let go of all resentment that's built up in the past.

 

He's not asking for me back, so I don't expect grovelling.

 

We are on friends terms, that is all. We are trying to grow comfortable with each other, trying to rebuild trust in one another.

 

I'm not making excuses for him, because when I honestly take a look at our relationship, I would never ever take ME back. I already know our relationship is damaged, maybe even unrepairable.

 

And I'm not taking scraps, either. I'm not sleeping with him, I'm not hanging out with him... All I did was make a post and say, he's starting to become comfortable with me again, he's putting forth baby step efforts, and I'm doing the same as he is. Two months ago, I would had driven in 2 feet of snow to go see him, but I was okay with not doing that this weekend. I was okay with not seeing him. It doesn't matter to me. Instead of waiting for phone calls, I just let things happen. I'm going with the flow and making this easy as possible for me to deal with.