I feel so lost... and bad

[Casket]

My gf and i have been going on and off for the past 11 months. It was not unusual for us to fight every day and we both ended up getting sick of it. I didnt feel it was always my fault, but she didnt seem to think one bit of it was hers. It was ALWAYS my fault.

 

So a couple of days ago we got into another fight, and she told me she was leaving me for good. She told me she hoped i felt rotten and bad inside, and told me i was a bad person. So a couple of days went by, and i thought i could make it through. I know with her its either we are together, or we are not, theres no friends. I occupied myself by going to the gym, going out with some mates and playing games.

 

But she caught me on msn, and things went down from there. I didnt know what i wanted to do, i knew we couldnt last forever fighting like we did. So we started talking.

 

Today we started talking again, and i didnt reply for 30 or so seconds (on MSN Messenger) and she, i guess, too offense to it. I asked her what she would like me to say and she said nothing and went offline. Then she came back and insinuated i wasnt paying attention to her, and that she was going to bed.

 

I got angry and said that even after we have broken up, she still makes me feel bad for things. Anyway she rang me, and told me how i am the worst person she ever met and she cant believe she ever loved me. At that comment, i got really mad and yelled at her and said if she just called me up to tell me that then to piss off. She started crying and the guilt flew threw me. I hate it when she cries, even though she doesnt really care when i do it.

 

I feel like the worst person on earth and i hate myself. I sit here and i cry because i feel so bad. I dont know what to do. She said she never wants to speak to me again, but when she does i gte in trouble for not running back to her.

 

Help me, please. I dont know what to do, i feel so bad and so guilty. I feel so depressed, i thought i could do this until she got in contact with me, now i dont know if i can. I think about her crying and i drop to my knees. I was one of those guys who said he would never make a woman cry and treat them with so much respect. What have i turned into if i have?

 

Help me please

[DN]

Tell her that unless the two of you can develop a relationship where both of you talk about problems and work out compromises instead of fighting and blaming each other you would rather she didn't call you at all. Say it, mean it and follow through. Don't let her guilt-trip you into doing anything against your best interests.

[melrich]

Well I think there was a fair bit of provocation on her part. I don't think you should feel guilty, sometimes people need a slap in the face with the truth and from what you posted it does seem to be all about her.

 

Having said that, I know how you feel, it is never a good feeling upsetting someone you love.

 

I would not be backing down completely on it though, maybe she needs to see a slightly "tougher" you.

[Casket]

I wish i was tougher, shes told me (jokingly) that im a push over. Even scince then i decided to harden up, but i could never do it.

 

She had deleted me from her phone, from her IM and from her life. She says she never wants me to call her again.

 

I just feel so bad, shes sitting there crying right now. I know i should be caring about me, but i cant. Infact, with her, whenever i care about me i get in trouble for not caring about her.

 

Im making her out to be a total btch, and really shes not. She can be so loving at times, but she can also say very hateful things. I need to heal myself, but i think she was the one. I never want to love again.

[Hope75]

Someone who is loving does not manipulate their partner and then blame them for everything and tell them that they are a terrible person.

 

Does that really feel like love to you?

 

Do you feel good about the way she has treated you?

 

Honestly, do you think someone in love behaves this way?

[Casket]

She has said some very hurtful things when she was mad, but blamed me because im the one who got her there in the first place.

 

Ive felt like such a cat this whole relationship. I guess i just need reassurance that fighting every day and being upset and depressed alot is a reason not to be with someone, no matter how bad you feel for them.

[Da5id]

Regardless of who's fault it is, you two are great at pushing each other's buttons.

 

What it seems like to me (and I'm no therapist) is that your fights are an outlet for all the nasty stuff that goes on in life, and that when the gloves come off... ugly things are said and both of you are left feeling hurt.

 

I have been in a similar relationship and the feelings were very intense... either intensely good or intensely bad, but always at one end of the spectrum or another.

 

While many people would probably disagree on these boards, and would tell you to immediately initiate NC and move on with your life... I, personally had to at least make an attempt to end things in a civil way. To let her go with love.

 

So I made amends, I apologized for my side of stuff and made every effort NOT to point out any of her part. I also went in trying extremely hard to have no expectations of her even accepting my apology.

 

She was pretty nasty at first and looked like I just stepped up to be the bigger man only to be kicked in the teeth... but after a long conversation, it ended in a very soft and loving way.

 

The trap of course here, is the one that you guys have a history of getting back together... if you were to make amends to her and everything felt okay for the time being, from what you say in your post, it might be easy for you to fall back into it again.

 

So I am not giving you advice... just my experience.

 

Sorry you're hurting man... I know it makes it even harder to know she's hurting too.

 

But remember, making her feel better is no longer your job, and in time, you will thank your lucky stars for that.

[novaseeker]

She has said some very hurtful things when she was mad, but blamed me because im the one who got her there in the first place.

 

Ive felt like such a cat this whole relationship. I guess i just need reassurance that fighting every day and being upset and depressed alot is a reason not to be with someone, no matter how bad you feel for them.

 

You're right. You don't need a life like that. She isn't acting as if she loves you. You need to protect yourself from her hateful statements directed towards you, from her attempts to make you feel guilty and the like, because if you don't, this kind of thing will basically scar you, and you will begin to internalize her criticisms of you, and you really don't want to go there.

[Casket]

Thanks.

 

It still hurts so bad though

 

They say time heals all and in hindisight i will see that it is better off this way, but i felt like she was the one, the one who would accept me for me.

 

It hurts so much