Do MEN ever come back?

[nataliejulie]

I keep reading pages of NC successes from men about their girlfriends.

 

But how about men???? Do men ever come back?! If there's a period of no contact, do men get bothered by that?

 

I mean, I know how women work... but we are so polar opposite of men!

 

Do men ever buckle down and realize they've made a mistake?!? Men cross me as having too much pride.

 

Does it bother men dumpers? Wondering what their ex is up to? It seems like it's so easy for them to get over things easier.

[renaissancewoman101]

Nataliejulie, I wonder that too a lot of times. I wonder if my ex ever thinks of me anymore, ever misses me anymore. It doesnt help that towards the end of our relationship, I really treated him badly and shoved him off onto his friends.

 

I have no idea if my ex misses me. Probably not since he has a new gf already. Last Sat he saw me at the con but I was having a good time and he threw a fit that I was there (even though when our mutual friend first told him I was coming, he told her he was ok with it just as long as I didnt go and confront him and I didnt). It probably didnt help that he saw me making out with a guy for most of the evening.

 

Men are jerks!!!!! My ex was a compassionate person when it came to his friends and other people, but when it came to me, at the end, he was a jerk. I hate him so fuc*ing much. I wish he would suffer what I am suffering right now, TENFOLD.

[Bethany]

You only have to read the threads from men on this site to realize that Yes, they do come back, Yes, they do realize that they have made mistakes and Yes, they are sorry for dumping their women and wonder what they are up to and how can they win them back.

 

If they dont come back or think that, I don't think they think it's a mistake and are comfortable with their decision.

[TiredMan]

I think it all depends on the man and the woman. Some men forgive, some women forgive. Some just easily move on, some don't. It's all relative.

[BillyJean714]

Yes they do- similar to how women do. We're not much different in this department. Trust me.

 

My ex's came back, mostly I think, because they just missed certain things about our relationship- BUT in retrospect, I don't think that they came back for the right reasons. More likely than not, they over-romanticized our relationship, missed it, and then forgot to realize the obvious reasons why we just didn't work out.

 

I'm curious, why wait around for someone who in the first place, wanted to breakup or agreed to breakup? If both partners were truly that head over heals for each other, it would be detrimental for them to think that letting go would also mean that they are also allowing themselves to see other people. If that doesn't bother them, then what's the point in waiting for the other person to come back? Shouldn't they want you enough that they won't let you go because the thought of you being with someone else just kills them?

 

It just sickens me to think that when someone breaks up with another person, they move on, then come back because they felt as though they "couldn't find better" or they just "want what they can't have". If this is a silly little game they play, chose not to partcipate, then move on. You DESERVE better! Seriously.

 

People need to realize that they should be with those who they truly are compatible with, in which BOTH partners cherish each other enough up to the point where they DON'T break-up.

 

If it's not going to work now (in the dating stage, not egagement, not marital), then the foundation is weak. The relationship will more likely than not, get worse. Wait til more iimportant issues in life come up. If both partners can't work together as a team and resolve things together, now, what makes them think that when other pressures in life occur, that things will work out then? It will only get worse. Life is tough. If the relationship doesn't have much tensile strength, then it doesn't have much of a foundation to build on. It's like building a house on landfill.

 

But, we all go through stages of the grieving process once a relationship is over. What you guys are going through is perfectly natural. Embrace what you feel. Rationalize your emotions. This is all a learning lesson. Best of LucK!

[darkblue]

I agree with tiredman.

I wouldn't dare generalise the whole male species.

Some will; some won't.

[coooolsome]

I think that we need to stop wondering if our ex's will come back and move on with our lives. Yes I wish my ex would come back but if you have watched Swingers, the opening conversation is really true. Our ex's wont come back until we have moved on.

 

There are probably many reasons for this but the main one would probably have to be the fact that you are no longer pining for them, no longer chasing, being the person they first fell in love with. You are a stronger, wiser, smarter, better person than the person they first fell in love with. I have talked to a lot of people lately and it always seems that their ex's came back after they moved on. In some cases they didnt take them back and in others, they are no getting married.

 

I think that the best thing to really do is to move on. This forum is great and detrimental at the same time. The people are great, have great advice but all the while we cling to the hope that somehow, someway, something someone will say will bring them back to us. I come here now to see how people are doing. When I see a post from someone about their ex coming back, I become hopeful. I hope one day that I will be able to post something like that.

 

However I am getting to the point where I am letting go of the hope and accepting the reality of the situation. She is not with me, she likes another guy, she doesnt love me anymore, she no longer calls me. That is the reality, and I have to accept it. For the last 2.5 months, I have chased. I have always been the one to initiate contact. I have been sitting on the sidelines hoping that something in her will go off and she will realize what we had.

 

I see things now with a clearer head, NC is the way to go. Moving on with my life is the way to go. Im not really giving up on hope, I am just moving it to something else. I used to hope my ex would come back, now I hope and have faith that my life will be alright. I am a stronger, better, confident, fun, funny person and I was great to her. I know I was and she is going to have a hard time finding someone like me. I know I will find someone.

 

My advice....why worry if they are going to come back or not. The people in life that we are attracted to are the ones that are fun to be with, the ones that are confident, not the worriers. Doesnt matter if its a man or a woman, they always come back in one way or another especially if you spent a lot of great memories together. Go NC, heal, become stronger.

[RayKay]

Sure, they do time to time. I have had it happen with both myself, and with friends of mine.

 

The thing is by the time they have returned *most* people I know have moved on...if they are not with someone else, the book is still closed on starting something with them again. I only know of a couple couples whom reunited and successfully so, but it would seem those cases were more where the end was brought on by issues of distance or something, rather then those of loss/uncertainity or dishonesty for example.

 

Why might you feel uninclined to pursue something again when they come back? Well...time changes things, and gives you perspective. If you were successful in your healing process, there probably comes a time where you sit down and realize...wow, now why would I want someone whom thought it was okay to just dump me and then run back when it suited him? If there was some issues of cheating, dishonesty or leading on, there is even more reason that these feelings may come through.

 

For me...part of a relationship is partnership. If my partner could not communicate to me THEN, or work through things THEN, what about when more future issues come about, or there is other stressors? Nothing will ever be "perfect". To me, what is love, is when someone is committed to me and the relationship through thick and thin, not just when we are on an emotional high and singing one anothers praises. I don't settle for less than I am prepared to give to someone else.

 

Basically I don't go back as I learn that I deserve so much better...and even more so, that better IS out there.

[nataliejulie]

I'm not hoping for him back or anything. I've actually been only NC for a week now and this is the longest ever. We spent every day of the past year and a half together. I'm just curious (NOT WAITING, because I'm highly doubting he will), if he'll ever call.

 

I stress I'm not waiting. This guy has serious issues to change before he even speaks to me again!

 

But, he did say something like "I'll talk to you in two weeks"... and "In a month, I will have forgotten about everything." Like he expects me there.

 

Last time we talked was an AWFUL argument... so I'm not even sure if speaking terms are thinkable... even though he was the one that said some pretty hurtful things. Doing that thing, where he forces himself to move on, saying I was "abusive" (never even called him a name), saying he was miserable all the time, saying I was the worst girlfriend ever, that I'm a wh*re (always been faithful).. etc. etc. He was SO ANGRY, for nothing. I never did anything! However, never said he didn't love me, never said he fell out of love, etc.

 

I just wonder if he'll actually believe it in the long run or he'll realize that he was wrong about me.

[shes2smart]

Well...of my exes, most have shown up again at some point...some even years after we broke up. Last Christmas, I heard from one I hadn't seen since I broke up with him in 2001...and I had since gotten married, so my husband took care of responding to my ex's e-mail.

 

If they manage to get a hold of me in person, I don't talk to them long enough to find out what they really want. I'm not a "be friends with the ex" kinda gal. Once I'm done, I'm done and that person isn't permitted in my life anymore.

 

When my exes have tried to contact me down the line, I have to remind them that I meant it when I said I didn't want to speak to/see them again. Ever. I hope they're well and happy, but they need to be well and happy somewhere else away from me.

 

So yeah, like a bad chili dog that's not settling well or a fungal infection, some men DO come back. (or they at least TRY)

[melrich]

You only have to read the threads from men on this site to realize that Yes, they do come back, Yes, they do realize that they have made mistakes and Yes, they are sorry for dumping their women and wonder what they are up to and how can they win them back.

 

Exactly. Men are not polar opposites to women. Sure there are some differences but there are a hell of a lot more similarities.

[nataliejulie]

It's not more of a revenge thing... I just don't want to be known as a terrible girlfriend. I only hope he realizes that I wasn't. I, infact, treated him better than anyone before. And he always said, (even after we broke up) "I probably will never find someone who loves me as much as you do."

 

Our relationship has been a rollercoaster from day one. Everything was so intimate, I can't tell you how many times the word "intense" popped up. Thing is, (though I realize it now and changing that) we found it hard to compromise. I thought if he loved me, he'd do it my way. He thought if I loved him, I would do it his way. We fought, but whenever we fought, it was a battle. Both of us are very dramatic, tempermental people. Not like we aren't compatible... more like, too much the same. Both of us were using NEGATIVES to get a POSITIVE.

 

Of course. I don't wait for him to come back. My hopes are actually low. I don't expect a thing. I'm feeling really good about myself, honestly. It being so intense as it was... we have extremely great moments.. as well as extremely awful moments. There was never inbetween.

 

And if he called tomorrow for me back, I wouldn't, until I knew for sure he was willing to work in a healthy, unselfish manner.

[NR498E]

coolsome said it best,and swingers is a great movie

[TiredMan]

Natalie, I think you might need to work on your abilities to compromise, just like he would have to. It has to be equal.

[augustus]

Nataliejulie,

 

Yes men do come back.... The question is do you really want them to??? I was in a six year relationship prior to the one that is breaking my heart now, and I left that woman a number of times. She always did NC (not sure if she knew what it was but she just let it go and would never call or email). I always started to miss her and called back and wanted to get back with her. She took me back a few times, until finally the last time, she had enough. She became stronger and had had enough pain (which i was unfortunately infliciting on her). Not maliciously but out of sheer confusion.

 

I did the NC with the current woman who dumped me and she contacted me as well. I think when someone lets us go, at first we may feel relief (I know I felt that many times) but then everything kind of sinks in and we realize what that relationship menat for us. We start to feel alone, with no contact sometimes people become curious. Psychologically we are all attracted to people whom we perceive as having inner strength. It makes us curious.

 

Focus on yourself, start doing thing for yourself, stop trying to be the architect and let things happen. Life can be very interesting, especially once you let go of expectations. Stay strong

[nataliejulie]

Well, it's been exactly a week today... since the last time we spoke.

 

I have a problem with self control. He has even said this a few times. I think he might expect me to call, but I won't. I promised myself this is the first step to learning to deal with that insecurity.

 

I have my good moments, I have my bad.

 

Lately, though, I've had a few dreams about him... not getting back together, but sex dreams. heh. I wonder what that's about.

 

I know I shouldn't expect anything, but you can't help to wonder if I'll ever get a call. He never went more than 4 days without hearing from me. First time NC. I just wonder...

[selfi]

 

 

Lately, though, I've had a few dreams about him... not getting back together, but sex dreams. heh. I wonder what that's about.

 

I know I shouldn't expect anything, but you can't help to wonder if I'll ever get a call. He never went more than 4 days without hearing from me. First time NC. I just wonder...

 

 

I too had a period, where Id constantly dream of being intimate with him, wait a minute, I still dream of being intimate with him! I dont know what its about, prehaps the brain is compensating for what we miss and no longer have.

 

This NC thing is strange, I have endless questions and endless insecurities about it. But I look at it this way, Ive got nothing to loose, as only something to gain. . .

[nataliejulie]

This NC thing is strange, I have endless questions and endless insecurities about it. But I look at it this way, Ive got nothing to loose, as only something to gain. . .

 

I actually am beginning to really enjoy NC. Day 8 today! I keep feeling if I do nothing, I will do nothing wrong. He told me I had no self control. Well, this is me with self control. This is the longest I've gone without speaking to him. Now I just go through periods of "I wonder if he'll ever call" but I'm sure that will pass.

 

Selfi- I've been following your story. You are doing quite well. Keep it up. I know how it is to feel dependant on this person (even though we hate to admit it). There will always be endless questions... but I'm realizing that these questions are getting slowly answered the more time passes without contact with the ex. The trick is here... is to find what you want and not settle for less than that. I used to say, "sometimes, he's super sweet to me.. but then, sometimes he is just plain awful." I don't want a guy who's awful at all! Then I begin to remember all the times we used to walk around New York City and everyone (even 80 yr old couples) would hold hands, show affection... and he didn't. He treated me like his best friend, ALL the time. I don't want that either! I want that guy who sat next to us, looking at his girlfriend like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

We put these people so high up in our heads, we forget to respect our own selves. It's not like WE want what WE can't have. WE just want what we are COMFORTABLE with. I've spent the last year of my life, every single minute with this person. All the sudden, this person is gone and you are left with nothing but the feeling of... "now what?" There will always be someone to take us to the movies. There will always be someone to buy us a fancy dinner. There will always be someone to love us the way we want to be loved. It may or may not be them, but we have to soon realize the idea that the love life between our ex's may be over... but OUR love lives are not over !

 

PM me if you ever need me.

[TiredMan]

Natalie,

 

You could buy the guy a fancy dinner too u know, not just the other way around.

 

But it's good that you are staying the course if this what you truly want (to heal and not be with him). I can say that in a previous relationship, it did work for me after months of trying to be friends. The situation I am in now is kinda different so I am not about to NC it just yet.

[nataliejulie]

Natalie,

 

You could buy the guy a fancy dinner too u know, not just the other way around.

 

I spoiled my man! He got back rubs after work, dinner made by the time he got home, laundry always washed, bought him little presents here and there, the list goes on!

[Enn]

Absolutely they do...and they remember, more than anything, if you were good to them. It's happened to me twice this month - my ex of a year ago (who virtually got off with his next girlfriend in front of me while I was grieving for my dad - nice!) was so concerned to get in touch with me on the anniversary of our split (I'd told him several times to not speak again) that he got in touch with my best friend (she told him in no uncertain terms to keep away). And the bloke I was seeing for four months has supposedly decided he's in love with me. But I'm finding it hard to believe him.

 

I'd even go so far as to say that they ALWAYS come back, in one way or another. But until strict NC is applied the process is postponed, cos they're in a win-win situation.

[selfi]

If you say Im doing well, then judging by your latest posts, you are doing fantastically. The part you wrote about not setteling for less than you want is something I totally forgot about about.

I remember at one point, Evan felt like we shouldnt speak anymore as he was sick of my constant crying on the phone, and in no time I found myself pleading to him and saying all I want is friendship so he wouldnt stop talking to me ... which isnt even what I wanted! So silly!

 

We put these people so high up in our heads, we forget to respect our own selves.

 

Great Point. Ill never forget it.

[nataliejulie]

Day 10 of NC.....

 

Feeling better. I've literally had my phone on Silent for the last 10 days.. so I don't purposely jump every time I hear my phone ring. It really works!

 

BUT.................. still wondering. Not really waiting for a call, but wondering, does he miss me? Does he THINK about calling?! Is it too soon to tell? When does a man start to cave in???

 

Ah! Weak moment, guys...... weak.

[OCD]

All I can say NatalieJulie is hang in there. You've given me great advice and as far as him caving in....I'm not sure. I think you need to do what I'm trying to do, move forward. Try not to think of him and hopefully for you and me, when we least expect it they will come around. And by that time we may not even want to talk to them because we could possibly be over them. I've gotten calls like you've seen and that's been really hard not to call back, but I know this is what I need to do. I think you're doing really well and having weak moments is all part of it, believe me! I have them all of the time, but it's getting better; it does get a little better every day. Hang in there and don't break NC like everyone is telling me to do. I know it's hard... If they really love and care for us they'll be back...

 

OCD

[TiredMan]

Day 10 of NC.....

 

Feeling better. I've literally had my phone on Silent for the last 10 days.. so I don't purposely jump every time I hear my phone ring. It really works!

 

BUT.................. still wondering. Not really waiting for a call, but wondering, does he miss me? Does he THINK about calling?! Is it too soon to tell? When does a man start to cave in???

 

Ah! Weak moment, guys...... weak.

 

Just remember when you get weak, that he is with someone else. I remember my first g/f. When we broke up, I was dyin. But I found that out and after the initial sadness, the anger took over. This helped TREMENDOUSLY when it came to getting over it.