Now what...ex questions?

[OCD]

Thanks Dogg, I did NC for about a month and half, nothing. I only "tried" to talk to her the night of the breakup and she turned her phone off, etc. I sent one card and one text and left her one message that summed it up that night. That was it....then the calls started coming in a month or so later. I answered only after she called 8-9 times. I figured she wanted to work it out? WRONG...just played games and just curious. I know how you feel right now...give it time. I went through all of the emotions, angry, sad, lonely, upset, etc. I didn't do anything, SuperD and all of the others here helped through all of that, but I stayed strong. I'm trying to right now, and I don't want to come off as weak, I've come this far. But I keep getting thoughts about picking up the next call and telling her not to call me, I'm trying to move on and she doesn't feel the same as I do....something like that. I've mentioned everything to her over the last month and she still calls...what the heck? I do feel happy that she still calls me, I really do. I'm not trying to rub that in and I do feel grateful, but that makes it even harder when you know they are calling and you can't pick up because I won't hear what I want to hear from her...it'll just be checking up on me like always and wondering what I'm up to...heck with that....she either wants to work it out or go away...She wanted life without me, that's what a breakup is. Me out of her life...right. So I'm trying to give that to her and move on. It's hard though and it kills me that we can't just work it out. I must say to you though, it does get easier over time. You just have to stay busy and block her out. I know, easier said than done. I just hope that she doesn't read mixed signals from me that 'I'm' not interested any more in case she does want to work it out...that's also been a thought for me. Thanks.

 

OCD

[Dogg]

what I do not get here and in reading other people's posts who are in NC, is this: we are all here to get our ex's back right? I understand how NC works and that it is meant to heal yourself and everything like that. what I do not get is how after all this time doing NC and then finally getting the results you want, meaning that the ex makes contact with you once or even several times and you still do not pick up, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MAY WANT? WHAT IF THEY WANT YOU BACK AND ARE TRYING TO WORK IT OUT? HOW WILL YOU KNOW IF YOU IGNORE THIER CALLS? doesn't it seem liek you are just setting yourself up for another form of depression and regret when you realize that your not answering their attempts at contact eventually pushed them away. this is not directed at anyone specific, just a general question/statement for everyone

[kellbell]

Dogg,

 

Unless they leave a message or say to your face, "let's work this out, I think I made a mistake..." then who cares why or what they are calling about? Quite frankly, after that much time elapses, I don't even want my ex back anyway. Not after all the agnony and pain he put me through. It goes to show how much he cared about me anyway. I would want to be with someone who didn't dump me then proceed after many months try to work it out or get me back.

[OCD]

That's a good pointe and I've thought about that too. From the advice I've been given is that NC is so you can heal and let all of the emotions of the breakup cool down. You never want to talk when you're all emotional, right. So you go on and start to feel a little better and calmed down. I've done all of this by the way...When the calls start coming in, you don't answer them right away...you wait until you feel like you're strong enough to answer and that no matter what they tell you, it won't bother you. That's what I thought. So then you answer and just talk casual, no relationship talk, just being "aloof" and friendly. Letting them open up to you and come to you, which my ex did. This is also what I've done...and here's the point where I'm at. After talking for a little while, I let her be the one to call every time except for 2 calls I made in over 3 months, you have to guage what they want and more importantly what "you" want. After talking to my ex on and off for the last month I came to the conclusion that she was only calling for her own selfish reasons and curiosity. That's bull, right. I didn't want to just be good friends and a person that's her backup in case everything doesn't work out. I realized, even after 3 months, that I still love her. So I started dropping hints if she wanted to meet for coffee, that I don't want to get hurt again, etc. Yet she keeps calling. I finally said look, I'M NOT INTERESTED IF YOU'RE CALLING FOR A FRIENDSHIP, and if she wants to talk about giving 'us' a second try we can talk about it and step slowly back into the water...That's where I'm at today, back to NC because I was getting hurt, not answering her calls in hopes that gives a message that I'm serious about what I said and if she wants me in her life she's know what to say and do. Yet she called me 5 times last week, three times in the same night. As far as mixed signals I had a feeling that the last round of calls might be the ones I'm looking for to work it out. I didn't answer and I feel that she needs to make a better effort if we're to go down that route. She could have left a message saying "look we need to talk" or "I need to talk to you, call me back asap" something...So here I am today hoping she calls soon with those words, if not I'm in NC and healing totally. Bottom line is after my first round of NC, I let her know in a friendly manner what I wanted and that I didn't want to get hurt. When nothing happened I went back to NC. I hope my experience has helped you or someone else. Thanks.

 

OCD

[kristo]

Hey OCD,

 

Just read your post and I'd like to say that you have done EVERYTHING by the book to heal and to 'get her back'. From the limited contact in the beginning, being aloof, not talking about the relationship, not being needy, etc, etc.

 

You've exhausted every avenue and frankly I can't see that you can do anymore except doing what you're doing now .

 

Well done and stay strong!

 

K

[OCD]

Hi all, just venting a little. I guess you could call it a weak moment sort of day, but I'm holding strong. I had these dreams last night about her and her with someone else. I guess you could call it a nightmare...I realize it's time to try to move on, but I can't block out those images. Yuck! Well here I am having a rough night and am coming on here to vent....sorry. I'm not going to call her, but if she calls me I don't know if I won't answer. Isn't that crazy...I just have this crazy feeling for her today. Hopefully tomorrow will be different. Thanks.

 

OCD

[Hawk]

OCD - you won't answer - as for the dreams about her being with someone else, I think we all have them about our ex so you aren't feeling anything different to the rest of us here. Just remember every time you answer the calls it just about sets you back to square one. The only call I will respond to is "I am sorry, I made a mistake and I want to talk about working on our relationship again". But I am not hanging on waiting for that call, I have to get on with my life.

[OCD]

OCD - you won't answer - as for the dreams about her being with someone else, I think we all have them about our ex so you aren't feeling anything different to the rest of us here. Just remember every time you answer the calls it just about sets you back to square one. The only call I will respond to is "I am sorry, I made a mistake and I want to talk about working on our relationship again". But I am not hanging on waiting for that call, I have to get on with my life.

 

Thanks Hawk, I couldn't say it better myself regarding what I would like to hear from her after everything I done. I'm wondering if I should send a letter telling her why I'm not contacting her so she isn't confused? I've seen this come up time and time again, and most people say just do NC and let the silence speak for itself. What do you think? Thanks.

 

OCD

[Hawk]

I say no letter - made the mistake of sending one the other day, against my better judgement. They know how you feel and the fact that you can't be contacted, in my opinion, isn't a sign that you have changed how you feel about things. Anyway, isn't time that they were confused about things for a while - I am sick of being the victim and for me NC is about taking control back over my life.

[OCD]

Anyway, isn't time that they were confused about things for a while

 

That's a very good pointe Hawk that I needed to hear right now. I'm so concerned with how my ex feels that I forget to think about what I'm feeling. So what if she's confused, right. She made me very confused when she left without giving me a reason. I need to be stronger than this...Love makes your mind do strange things man. I don't know why I miss her and love her any more, it's only frustrating. Thanks.

 

OCD

[OCD]

Mornin' all. I'm feeling so much better today. Yesterday was a very weak moment sort of day. I completley couldn't get her out of my mind. I guess the key here is when you have bad days like I had, wait a day and it does get a little better. One day at a time. Thanks everyone for being here. These holidays are really taking their toll on me. Thanksgiving was one thing, but Christmas and New Years will be the true test. She is thinking about me or she wouldn't have called 5 times last week. I probably shouldn't tell myself that, but I can't help it. I just wish we could talk like old times...and I wish there was a way for me to get through to her...the letter thing wasn't a good idea. It's hard just playing the 'silent' game...Thanks.

 

OCD

[Hawk]

It is hard and your mind keeps processing all these thoughts about what they are thinking, what are they doing, will they call, do they miss me. I sometimes wish I could have the old times back as well, but the thing about us as humans is that we grow and change - and I do know that there will be lots of good times in the future.

[OCD]

Hi all, I've noticed some different schools of thought here that I wanted to ask about. I agree that sticking to NC helps you heal and lets some of the emotions cool down after a breakup and that it might actually get your ex to miss you in the process. Fine, I tend to agree with that. Some people seem to think that if they really miss you and love you, and after they have the fear that they'll lose you and that you're gone for good is when they'll come back and 'say they've' made a mistake, etc. Then there are those that seem to think that after a period of NC sure they'll miss you, but they'll 'never' come back and 'say' take me back I made a mistake, that only happens in the movies. So which is it? If they realize they've made a mistake does it happen more often than not that the ex comes forward and admits they've made a mistake and wants you back? Or does it happen more often than not that the ex realizes they've made a mistake and starts to drop hints and expects you, the dumpee, to come forward? I'm confused on this one, in my situation it's about 50/50 that my ex will come forward, leaps and bounds, to get me back (ie many calls, really get my attention, get in my face and tell me, etc.) Then there are those that say she'll never come forward and admit a mistake, that it happens in the movies and you'll have to meet her half way after she gives you 'signs' that she misses you because she doesn't want to face rejection....Which is it? Thanks.

 

OCD

[coooolsome]

OCD

 

I think that some people will flat out tell you that they made a mistake and try to get you back. Other people will be afraid of rejection and try to see where you stand. Others might just try to become friends again. Its a risk and if you are willing to take it and face the outcomes of that risk, why not see? In your case, she knows how you feel, so she knows what she needs to say to get you back. Anything less if not what you want.

[OCD]

Thanks coooolsome, I should hope she knows how I feel. I've been pretty aloof with her and never really begged or pleaded so I hope she doesn't think I don't love her any more by doing that? I've just taken the advice of playing it cool and confident. But yes I have mentioned that I don't want to get hurt any more and by me opening up to her and taking friendship calls. I do love her and miss her and it kills me that I can't just flat out tell her that. Everyone thinks that will make me look weak, etc. I did tell her that I thought we had something special, and a bond that couldn't be broken, and something to the effect that I thought 'we' deserved a second chance...after all of that I thought I'd never hear from her again, but I got the 5 calls last week. I only went back to NC because I asked her to coffee for the second time and she asked for a rain check. Why wouldn't she be able to go out with me just for coffee? I thought if she had a shred of feelings left for me that she would want to meet me??? Perhaps she's seeing someone else is my thought, which hurts like heck. But from what she's told me is that she's been out a couple of times, but nothing serious.....I don't know what this girl wants from me or what I need to do. Thanks.

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

The worst thing you can do is think of your ex with someone else! I sometimes do that myself but why worry when you don't know for sure. Plus, your ex seems to be dealing with some other personal problems in her head as to why she can't be with you now. If she's that confused I don't think she would easilly fall for anyone else anytime soon. They would have to be someone she thinks is amazing and she can connect with. I think finding a connection with someone is very rare and she's probably realizing that now after you have done N/C. I think she's been calling you for emotional support for she feels so comfortable with you. That's a good thing but I know you need to hear more than that from her. Maybe you need to talk to her and lay down the line. Don't by all means give her an ultimatum. Maybe pick up one of her next calls to her and just curiously ask her what all the calls are about - say sorry but you've been really busy and don't have much time to just chat. Keep it short and stern NOT sweet and make sure you end the call. You need to let her know that you are fine living your life without her. Maybe she thinks you are ignoring her call because she thinks your still hurt about the relationship and can't bear to talk to her?? I think at a point you have to talk to ex if you do want them back but you have to be strong and make it seem that you don't care.

[Regretfulman]

OCD, im in a very similar situation, my ex is calling me all the time, or instant messaging me, but she sends mixed signals, it so annoying. She is kinda seeing someone new right now, so it makes it weird to talk to her. I never contact her, she is always the one to initiate it with me, and i dont know why, i can only guess. Your situation is so like mine, i feel for you, i really do.

[OCD]

If she's that confused I don't think she would easilly fall for anyone else anytime soon. They would have to be someone she thinks is amazing and she can connect with. I think finding a connection with someone is very rare and she's probably realizing that now after you have done N/C. I think she's been calling you for emotional support for she feels so comfortable with you. I think at a point you have to talk to ex if you do want them back but you have to be strong and make it seem that you don't care.

 

Thanks Lonelyfish and also Regret...I hope you're right about her just being confused and is dealing with some emotional problems. That would really explain all of her strange behavior. I wish that's all it was. I will try to answer if she calls again just to clear up what I'm feeling and what I need. I love her and I'd like to be there for her if she's having emotional problems, but I'm getting hurt in the process so she really needs to be more clear and tell me those things, if that's the problem here. We were very close in our relationship, which is why this was all a shock, but I hope she knows that she can talk to me if she's having issues. But I can't always be there if she doesn't want to get back together with me. When we were together there were times that she wouldn't really tell me what she was thinking or what the problem was. I almost had to guess what she was thinking. Also, she has a very hard time admitting when she's wrong. Very hard. That might be some of the problem here as well....I miss her and want us to be together again. I would do anything for this girl. I just need to know that we still have a future if I was to talk to her and help through her issues. What ever the problem is she needs to step up and tell me. We're both adults here and she shouldn't be afraid to tell me anything. Also, if I act like I don't care, won't that backfire on me? I mean shouldn't I still show her I care? That part always confuses me. I have to act like I don't care so she comes back? Does that really work? Thanks for the input.

 

OCD

[keefy1972]

Also, if I act like I don't care, won't that backfire on me? I mean shouldn't I still show her I care? That part always confuses me. I have to act like I don't care so she comes back? Does that really work? Thanks for the input.

 

OCD

 

OCD she knows you care buddy. You were at the point where you were showing you cared too much. This is where most people get confused. It's when one feels over-confident that someone is going to be there for them that they start taking you for granted. Once that happens your not a special person in her life as much as someone just doing whats become expected of them. This is usually called "the rubberband effect". The more you show you care, the more they pull away. The less you show it, they snap right back at you trying to get you to care.

[OCD]

Thanks Keefy....that makes a lot of sense. I'm still sticking to NC, I guess that's my best move right now. I've been thinking that I might pick up the next call and break NC though, if I even get another call. Just to ask her why she's calling, etc. Like a few folks here have mentioned. I'll feel a little better if I just get some of that off my chest. Calmly of course. Hopefully, like you say, she'll snap back? But if in the event I get totally lucky and get back together, I hope this isn't a patern of her bouncing away and then back again.... Thanks again.

 

OCD

[OCD]

Good afternoon all, I'm just giving an update...It's been a week since I got my last call from my ex. It's been difficult not calling her back, very difficult. I'm holding strong and went on another date last night. Had a blast! The problem was at the end of the night who was I thinking about? Yes, my ex. I've gone out with a few girls and had fun, but no fun like I had with my ex. It is making me feel better getting out more which in turn is making me not thinking about things like I used to. So I am trying...and staying positive. I still hope my ex ends up missing me or at least gets the picture why I didn't call her back...it's making me nervous that by not talking to her after she's made several attempts could ruin my chances of a reconciliation. I hope she continues to try to get a hold of me...that tells me she is thinking about me, right? I'm mean if I'm ever to get back with her I need some sort of contact, right? It's so hard to make that determination when to answer at this point in my situation. If she did want me back I don't think she'd just call up and say so....she'd wait for me to make a move or say something...which is very hard to know when that might be. I'm trying to be strong guys, but I miss her. It's that simple. I miss talking to her and doing things together with her and her son; I wonder if he's asking about me still after 3 months...I hope I've gone about this the right way...playing it cool, be aloof, not showing too much interest, etc. Thanks.

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

OCD - You are so strong and amazing and doing a great job! You are Superdave's poster child for this post! I know you obviously still miss your ex but feel good that you have not done anything to mess up not getting your ex back! That's great you are dating other girls. You never know, maybe you could end up meeting someone that makes you feel even better than when you were with your ex. Hard to imagine now but it could happen. You are doing everything to move on and feel better about yourself while at the same time giving your ex time to herself and reflect life without you. Keep on keeping on!

[OCD]

Thanks Lonely. Posterchild for this post...that's actually quit an honor. Thank you. When I came onto this site, I was dead set in getting my ex back and wanted to know the best way to get her back...so I did take all of the advice of NC, giving her space, not begging and pleading, when we finally started talking I was always friendly and smiled acting like my life couldn't be better. That seems like the best way to get her back, so that's what I'm doing. Even as hard as it's been...I think I've seen some progress?? She is still calling me even though I haven't gotten a call from her in a week...I was hoping I'd get another call sooner. I hope she knows I still care about her and would like another chance?

 

Do you think it's a good idea that I ask her to not have a friendship?? Could that possibly stop all contact with her and make me miss a second chance? Every once in a while I doubt the progress that I've made because it's been 3 1/2 months and she doesn't really say she misses me, but continues to want to talk to me. She's been the one to initiate just about all of the contact this whole time...Like some folks have said, give her more time and give her a chance to miss you...that's what I'm trying to do but how long is that going to take? I've missed her since day one and I can't believe she hasn't missed me? If she does miss me she's being pretty good at hiding it and playing strong herself, but she is calling so what does that tell you. I just hope I get another call from her, I know I shouldn't be thinking this much about her...and oh by the way I hope you're right about meeting someone that is better than my ex...Like I've said I've been out a few times now and I keep comparing girls to my ex. I shouldn't do that I suppose, but I can't help it. My ex is the bar and it's set pretty high....thanks again.

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

I think you definitely made progress with your ex. Progress meaning you've backed off given her the time and space for her to rethink her relationship with you. But you can't and shouldn't put a time frame on when and if she decides to come back to you. She also knows you still care for her, you would have to do something terribly bad to her for her to think otherwise. It will only be a matter of time before she tries to contact you again. Is it a good idea for you to ask her not to not have a friendship? - doesn't seem like you have a friendship now so why would you even bring that up. Let her contact you again and see what she wants and yes, I agree with the others about giving her time. Also on the flip side, maybe your ex right now is comparing you to all the other guys she may be meeting. Maybe your her bar that's set pretty high and more power to you if in due time she comes to that realization. Every person compares anyone new that they meet to their ex.

[OCD]

Thanks again, Regarding asking her that I'm not interested in a friendship....a few folks here have given advice to mention that to her, but in a nondemanding way. Just telling her that "I can't do a friendship right now...not because I don't love you, but it's because I do...I want more than that". I guess we really don't have a "friendship" at the moment only because she is doing all of the calling and it's just been 'friendly'. A frienship, along with any relationship, is a two way street. Just that the calls are starting to hurt me because she is curious about me and doesn't care about how her actions are effecting me. On one hand I don't want these calls every once in a while where she gets her fill then I don't hear from her for a week or two. That sucks...but I feel that if I keep that communication open that might increase my chances again with her, I don't know. Thank you for the words of encouragement they really do feel good and go a long way So I'll answer to find out why she does keep calling...I think the last time I asked her that why she was calling, she sort of blew it off and said if you don't want to talk I'll let you go and another time she just said she was looking for some company?! I didn't really understand that time because why was she calling me for company?! You can't break my heart and expect me to be all ears, right? Also, I never did anything drastic to hurt her or make her never want talk to me or have a relationship with me. She even said herself that the relationship was fine couldn't be better, it's just she didn't have enough time after her divorce. She was married for 9 years in a bad marriage. Then we met about 6-8 months after her divorce and it took off. Thanks.

 

OCD