She had oral sex while we were broken up and then lied about it

[Fisch]

Hi all,

Recently i got back together with my girlfriend after we had been broken up for about 2 months. I am totally in love with her and things have been so great until recently. When we broke up, i basically said that i needed to back of and deal with my doubts, but she needed an answer in the next day so i said that i wanted to make the breakup that we had been discussing real, even though she didnt. So 2 months later i won her back realizing my true feelings for her, and i am so happy that i did. But 2 weeks after we broke up she started dating this guy, when i got back together i asked her if she had sex with him and she said "no of course not, you know i dont have sex with people that i dont know". But a few days ago i discovered that she had oral sex with him, so basically she lied about it. I know that she decided not to consider "sex" as oral sex, but it certainly is to me. And she also said, i didnt want to tell you, and when she said of course not etc. she made it sound like they really had done nothing. So basically she did a: didnt tell the whole truth thing. She said that he started it but she felt bad if she didnt do it back. I am just so angry and disgusted, i cant stop thinking of them doing it and it really hurts because i love her so much. I dont blame her for doing it because we were apart even if he was a total rebound. But she lied about it and that makes it so much more painful. I have all these thoughts in my head that just make me feel so bad. How can i cope with this? I have been really careful not to be angry at her even though i want to be. What should i do? Can anyone reflect on my situation. I know that i will get over it in time but... it just makes me so angry that this happened especially because i was thinking about her the whole time that we were apart and didnt touch another girl.

[lady00]

I think it was a mistake to ask her if she had sex with him. What she did in her time when she was not in a relationship with you is her private business. You put her in an awkward position. I think you really need to think of it the way you think about things she did before she met you...it doesn't really concern you. What's important is the here and now and what she does while she's in a relationship with you.

[DN]

She used the Bill Clinton defence. It didn't work for him either. But Bill was married, at least in theory, and you were not. You were broken up. As the others have said it was a mistake to ask - so don't compound the mistake by letting it ruin the relationship now. Get past it and and make the relationship work.

[studmaster3265]

poeple make mistakes in life some regrets some guilty remakrs. but in the end what goes around comes around. dont feel to bad about what happenned if you came back with each other is for a reason. now you have to find it inyourself if this person is alright and worthy of yoru company. and if it is then let go of the past and look to the future. dont waste time on non important things. look forward to the future and make plans there.

[melrich]

I think it was a mistake to ask her if she had sex with him. What she did in her time when she was not in a relationship with you is her private business. You put her in an awkward position.

 

Totally agree. She really should have just said it is none of your business but unfortunately being put on the spot she manipulated the answer.

[Dr]

Yeah I'm with the others here. What she did in her own time was her business not yours. If you don't wanna be hurt don't ask. OR as the saying goes "If you can't handle the heat, you better get out of the kitchen".

 

If it still hurts that much then break up and move on. Find someone else (who I'll bet has also done oral on someone too). If your after a nice clean virgin then they're hard to come by my friend. Face it the human race is a horny one and your not alone.

 

Doc

[Stari]

Her recent sexual behaviour matters since it tells you about who she is. You want to know who she is when deciding on staying with her or not.

 

What is dangerous to you is that she takes the easy way out of difficulties;

 

First she lies about the oral sex. She even says "Of course not" when denying sex took place.

 

Later when busted, she tranfers responsibility to the guy saying that he started it.

 

I would not be able to trust her word.

[Fisch]

I think that all of you that said that her what she did while we were apart are completely wrong in saying that i have no right to know. I feel that some of you may not understand is that what is bothering me is that she lied about it, that i would not be feeling this way if she had not lied about it. I have always been the sort of guy that could say hey its ok whatever you did in the past with other guys, its ok that you had sex with other people, i can accept you for your past fully. But the fact that she lied about it this time is very painful, to know that something like that wasn't important enough to bother her enough to just tell me flat out, or when i showed i wanted to know reflects on who she is as a person and how we differ. Of course i believe she had every right to do whatever she wanted during our time apart and i wont judge her for what she did before our relationship either, and no im not all torn up about the fact that she wasnt sitting around thinking about me because I know exactly how much she was thinking about me. It doesnt bother me that she isnt a virgin, I am just trying to deal with the feelings that I have now. If she had told me when i asked i was prepared to deal with anything at that point, you know? i was ready to accept it and move on. But here i was thinking that she hadn't done anything with this rebound, and it turns out that they got down to bussiness even quicker than me and her did when we met. This isnt about who has what rights, this is just about if she cares for me then she will help me deal with my feelings and I came here to reflect on that. So lets face another fact, when you are with someone in a way you have to distance yourself from their intimate experiences with other people, you can know but you usually dont want to know that much and its ok. But when something like this happens you have to wonder if she lied about this then what else is there to know? Everything is shoved in your face because something in you now has to know everything and it just sucks. I haven't directed ANY of my anger towards her even though i think i have the right to, i wish that I didnt have these thoughts in my head now. Thanks for everyone's response

[yeawutever]

It sounds like u wanted her to come clean, why should she if she did it when you two were broken up. Ok so she lie, but she wans't ur g/f then, are u gonna let this bother u and kept wondering "oh where is she going, oh wut is she doing, is she going out with someone else". Cuz if u are, if u gonna let that bother u for a long time, might as well break up again. And another thing you can't ask "have u had sex" if u just gotten back with that person, she most likely say two things.

Option 1) No I didn't, lie about it like she say

Option 2) Well that's really none of ur business, we were broken up

or Option 3) Yes, wut about it? We were broken up weren't we?

[blu87ro]

first of all is not ok that she had oral sex after such a short time.and second of all the fact that she lied to you is even worse.

 

if you love love her as much as you say you do it's good to give her another chance.but you should still clear up this matter.oterwise you'll be upset with her all the time and this could affcet your relationship.if you keep your anger someday you''ll burst up....

[Maria1980]

Hello, I think it's not wrong what she did.. I mean she felt bad, he was a rebond you broke it off with her. so what do you expect? anyway what is wrong is that she lied.. she probably lied because she didnt want to hurt you, and she told you the truth after because she wasnt able to keep that secret any longer.. I know this is hard for you imagining her with someone else.. but do give her a chance.. Everyone makes mistakes.. I mean you made a mistake leaving her right? Try to put yourself in her shoes... I know that this is bothering you.. it would bother me to .. but give it a while. it might pass

[Tigris]

You should never have put her in that position in the first place. She is not accountable to you when you were apart!

[Cecelius]

It's not an issue of accountability, it is the following: her level of attachment to him and selectivity with whom she beds is so high that within a period of days after breaking up (which she forced because she needed an answer), she was naked with another dude.

 

It's not a question of whether he has a right to know, it is a question of whether she's the kind of girl he wants to date (there's nothing wrong with not being into girls who give it out too easily). I believe fundamentally she is and he should just let this pass if her merits are high enough. The lie was because you got back together again so fast and she didn't want to create anything unfortunate.

 

Just be warned that if you break up with her again, chances are she'll find a basketball team to go to the motel 6 with...

[ZoeMatthews]

 

Just be warned that if you break up with her again, chances are she'll find a basketball team to go to the motel 6 with...

 

This is soo not nice. You are basically calling this girl promiscuous...but from what FIsch said, she is not..

 

She was in a bad place and its not always about sex when it comes to women. She probably did it because she was lonely and wanted companionship...

 

I agree with everyone here who said that whatever she did when they were not together is none of Fisch business...Fine, she lied about being with someone else. Fisch if it bothers you so much, tell her so and go on with your life. the more you dwell on it, the more its going to hurt..Let her go or continue with her, but never bring this issue up again if you decide to stick together (((hugs and good luck))))

 

ZM

[Bethany]

I find Cecelius's remarks out of order. I'm sure if it was the other way around or if indeed cecelius had been the one hurt, heartbroken and dumped, cecelius would be agreeing with the rest of the posters i.e. that it is none of his goddamn business what she got up to.

 

Forgive and forget or realize that your own stupidity made ypou make a mistake by dumping the woman who loved you and who was heartbroken by what you did to her, and understand that she was looking for 'love' in all the wrong places when confused, hurt and and rejected by you..

[ShySoul]

A relationship needs to be grounded in honesty. She was not honest, and yes, she should not have lied. However, if she admits to her actions and says she is sorry, that should suffice. The past is the past, it can't be undone. From now on both parties need to agree to be completely honest with each other and work things out as they come. There needs to be effort on both sides to get things back to the level it once was at and to maintain honesty and trust.

 

I wish the two of you the best of luck.

[italianstalian]

i say u go out and bang another girl...it will make u feel better.......but seriously...if i was in your situation and that happened to me....it would be over, wether she did it when we were together or not.....she honestly must of thought it was completley done with u 2 to give another guy head after like a week..

[lady00]

This is sooooo double standard. Would you be saying this if it were a guy who did this? I think not.

 

A guy does it.....he's just being a guy.....that's how guys get over things.......he was lonely and in need of affection......way to go dude.....

 

 

A girl does it.......she's a ****.......she'll sleep with anyone and everyone......she's "that" kind of girl........what a ho.......

 

I agree 100%.

[avman]

Once you two were broken up she's not accountable to you. She's single again and can do as she pleases.

 

If you two want to get back together again thats great, but you can't hold her hostage over what happened while you were broken up. It's no different than anything she did before you two met.

[ShySoul]

I don't believe the issue was every about her being accountable or him trying to control what she does.

 

It is in the feeling that she didn't appeciate him and what they have. If you are in a serious relationship with someone and then break up, the idea of them running off and doing sexual acts with another person within a few days hurts. It causes you to question if she really cared about you in the first. If I breakup with a girl, I do not expect her to be in her room crying for days. But I also don't expect her to find another guy and be having sexual acts with him within a week. If our love was really special to her, wouldn't it take some time for her to deal with the feelings? Eventually she'll find someone else. But so quickly just stabs at your heart and makes you question and doubt yourself. Where you not giving her enough?

 

It's also that she lied about it. It's one thing for her to go and do that. But if you are trying to make a relationship work again, you need honesty. And she wasn't honest. Hearing about it hurts enough, having her lie just makes it that much worse.

[avman]

The reason she didn't tell you is that it was not your business. And I don't feel she is required to account for her time while you were apart. Just because you didn't touch another girl and thought about her the whole time, doesn't mean she is required to.

 

You broke up with her. There isn't any set timetable that she is required to follow before she moves on. If she's moved on in 24 hours, well that is really up to her.

 

While I can understand the surprise and the hurt on the part of the boyfriend, having people vilify the girlfriend for her actions when they were broken up is way too harsh.

[Cecelius]

This is sooooo double standard. Would you be saying this if it were a guy who did this? I think not.

 

A guy does it.....he's just being a guy.....that's how guys get over things.......he was lonely and in need of affection......way to go dude.....

 

 

A girl does it.......she's a ****.......she'll sleep with anyone and everyone......she's "that" kind of girl........what a ho.......

 

I don't think I said anything about him and what he did after they broke up (and it's not a "double standard" if he has lived up to it -- if I recall, he didn't date anyone.)

 

My comment still stands: she liked the b/f sooo much, that when SHE forced an issue and they broke up, she's hooked up with another dude 4 seconds later. Sure makes their time together seem so special.

 

If he'd immediately dated another girl after they broke up and later get back together, and she finds "I love you" emails from the OP to the other girl, she'd be on this board too, complaining about him giving up the goods so fast.

 

I do agree that his remedy if he thinks what she did was unfortunate is to move past it (which I believe I recommended) or dump her if he no longer thinks the same way about her.