back together on MY terms

[sibling295]

well i am still confused....

But i am still going out with this other guy tonight.

My ex called me bright and early this morning "just to say hello "

i told him to call me tomorrow - he was perfectly fine on the phone.

 

i am trying to figure out what exactly i am doing.... Is being desirable to other men , like getting me off , and not in a positive way ???

 

well - still i feel like , i dont know , maybe i do want to punish my ex for dumping me.......

[TiredMan]

well i am still confused....

But i am still going out with this other guy tonight.

My ex called me bright and early this morning "just to say hello "

i told him to call me tomorrow - he was perfectly fine on the phone.

 

i am trying to figure out what exactly i am doing.... Is being desirable to other men , like getting me off , and not in a positive way ???

 

well - still i feel like , i dont know , maybe i do want to punish my ex for dumping me.......

 

That is exactly what you are doing. OR you are seeing what else is out there and if no one is good enough, you'll try to work it out with him? You cannot be working it out with him WHILE dating or being with others. You think he wouldn't mind knowing you are sleeping with someone? Just know you are risking it all just to date.

[DN]

well i am still confused....

But i am still going out with this other guy tonight.

My ex called me bright and early this morning "just to say hello "

i told him to call me tomorrow - he was perfectly fine on the phone.

 

i am trying to figure out what exactly i am doing.... Is being desirable to other men , like getting me off , and not in a positive way ???

 

well - still i feel like , i dont know , maybe i do want to punish my ex for dumping me.......

 

I hope you can live with your decision - I do know I could not in your position.

[sibling295]

DN -

first of all - i really appreciate you and anyone else taking your time to respond to my posts - even if we all dont agree!!!

 

But what do you mean "Live with my decision?"

DN - he dumped me , he stopped believing in us, I didnt. I believed!!!

Then all of a sudden , when HE decides , geez,i do love her , I am supposed to go running back with open arms???

 

I know this sounds weird - but Yes tiredman is right - I am looking to see if their is something better out there - and keeping him in my back pocket .

 

There is also another guy too. He called last night and i told himi could go to lunch with him on Sunday.

 

I know i am playing around - but I AM SINGLE!!!! I am honest with all the guys except my ex - who doesnt know i slept with another guy while we were broken up. But i did tell him i was dating- although he knows - we have mutual friends.

 

Also I seem to be getting off by him chasing me again. Andi dont mean like he calls me - i never callhim -

I mean - I am just plain CRUEL to him - why am i doing this?????

 

oh well - i am excited to see this guy tonight.

[TiredMan]

But honestly, not to be cruel, but your behavior makes you no better than him, and in fact, MUCH worse.

 

Are you prepared to lose him forever? Because that is what you are risking.

 

I don't sugercoat things. You are just wrong to treat someone that way and the worst part is, you KNOW you are doing it. Why dont' you just tell him about sleeping with the other guy? Then he might be so angry at you that he can move on from you.

[DN]

He broke up with you because he was not sure - not because he was trying to hurt you, or play the field, or toy with other people's emotions. You claim to love him and that you will eventually be with him but you have a strange way of showing it.

 

I think that the ethical thing for you to do is to phone him and tell him that you prefer to be single and date other guys - that you are not ready for a relationship with someone who loves you. At least that is being honest - and he will then know that he did the right thing by breaking up with you in the first place, instead of being misled.

 

I feel sorry for him. He deserves better.

[coooolsome]

Yeah, you really need to figure out what you want. If you want to date you risk losing him for good. He made a mistake and is asking for forgiveness. If you dont want him back, tell him. You know how much it hurts to not know what is going on. We as dumpees go through this hurt and become better people because of it. My ex hurt me a lot but I would never wish the same thing to her.

 

Be the better person. Figure out what you want and make sure you think about the risks of your decisions.

[sibling295]

i see everyone's point of view -

But i just am not there yet...

 

My plan is to get through this weekend - what i mean is ,i plan on having fun.

My ex just sent me a pic of him and his nephew(via phone) - they are at his families party - he invited me ,but thats when i said i was going out with the girls .... I amnot gonna reply to it. In fact i am leaving my cell at home tonight.

 

My date called , we are meeting around 10 pm at a local bar/rest.

He is reallyyyy good looking , i am very excited -

 

BTW - my girlfriends keep saying to me that what i am doing is perfectly fine - i mean we arent exclusive again , i said NO , i agreed to take our time to see how it all works out. Okay - so -he would be hurt if he knew i was messing around with other men ,but really - my friends agree - he needs to jump thru hoops to win me back -

 

does anyone see my point of view at all???

I mean why should i call him -what would i say??? "Oh - you deserve better than me - i am seeing other guys - " I just dont understand why everyone here thinks i should do that??

I feel confident and i am sooooooo much better offf than when i was crying every night and analizing every word out of his mouth. I stopped all contact with this guy - I turned it around - yah know - i MADE it impossible for us to have contact with out him having to GO completely out of his way to even talk to me. In other words , i drove him crazy ... why should i stop now???? Just because he cried and said i made a mistake ?? NO WAY , MAN - why is this bad???

Does anyone agree with me????

 

[nataliejulie]

Yes, he broke your heart.

Yes, you were hysterically depressed.

 

But I think in this situation, he is being very sincere and welcoming to work on this relationship. Even inviting you over for a family function is a HUGE step.

 

I also think that seeing other people while trying to work on a relationship damages it even more. Resentment grows and so does the feeling of insecurity. It might even make this a bigger mess, in the end of it.

 

I'm sure I'd agree with you if he cheated, hit you, treated you horribly -- he should be licking the very toilet he sits on to get you back. But he was honestly confused and needed some time to sort this relationship out... not only that, he's not playing around... it seems to me he is wearing his heart on his sleeve right now for you.

 

I'm glad that you've seemed to move on, so keep moving on. Have fun, but without stringing him along, hurting him even more (yes dumpers hurt badly, too) and causing a bigger heartbreak. What happens if these dates fail, you realize you want him back and he says no because of the actions you are making today?

[RayKay]

Why should he jump through hoops if he realizes you are going out and dating others and NOT working on things with him? If he is going to be hurt...and you think you want another chance with him, then why are you going ahead with this date?

 

Be careful what you wish for....it can come and bite you in the butt. It is precisely because you are "driving him crazy" aka manipulating him, that it is no longer about you healing, it is about you having revenge of sorts.

 

It's not wrong to date this other guy, it IS wrong to have lied to your ex about where you were going, and to give him the idea you were willling to work things out together when you are not doing that.

 

It is EXACTLY because he said he made a mistake that you either accept that apology and work on it...without other men clouding the issue, or you tell him it is too late.

[sibling295]

What happens if these dates fail, you realize you want him back and he says no because of the actions you are making today?

 

NJ - okay this makes me think , but he doesnt know i am fooling around... and honestly , he wont find out.

and i have been thinking about well what if i do want him back and do want to stop seeing other guys ... i am prepared to lie in the grave i am digging - yah know.

 

I am prepared because you just dont know with love - yah know - nobody knows if everything all the time will work out. Look at Jennifer aniston/brad pitt/angelina??? okay bad example - but i am serious - who really knows????

 

I am not going to tell him this weekend - i am going out now with a big smile on my face - for goodness sakes - i am meeting a really hot guy tonight!!! and if my ex and i are really meant to be - then YES - annie was right he does have to work harder than i do on US.

God i hate when other people are right!!!!!

 

BTW-NJ - maybe no one will agree with me - but i say stop everything you are doing with your ex - do the 360 move .

[sibling295]

Raykay -

 

But he will never know about the other men , NEVER.... I am taking all precautions to make sure , trust me.

 

i am sure this isnt making my character sound any better.....

[RayKay]

Raykay -

 

But he will never know about the other men , NEVER.... I am taking all precautions to make sure , trust me.

 

i am sure this isnt making my character sound any better.....

 

Never say never....

 

It's not just about him finding out though, it taints your OWN decision in this...it's not giving that 100% you said.

 

But I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.

[DN]

Raykay -

 

But he will never know about the other men , NEVER.... I am taking all precautions to make sure , trust me.

 

i am sure this isnt making my character sound any better.....

I'm sorry to say you are right - it is not. This statement alone must surely lower your self-respect. It is making you seem vengeful, manipulative and deceitful. Surely you are not really like that?

 

And should he be blind enough to get back together with you, his trust in you will be misplaced - and if you have any conscience at all, that will undermine your relationship.

 

I hope you will think better of your plans - and if you do not, at least have the decency and courage to let him go so he can find someone who returns his trust and love.

[coooolsome]

Never say never. He will find out. Its a small world and for some reason, things like this will somehow get back to him. Here is what I am seeing. He wants you back. He is willing to work to get you back. You on the other hand are lying to him about what you are doing. You are going out on dates with other people. You are even excited about this guy b/c he is so good looking. Im not saying that you shouldnt be BUT if you want him back then this is not a healthy way of showing it.

 

How would you feel if you broke up with him, then tried to get back together with him and he did this? Remember....if you want him back, treat him the way you would like to be treated. If you do not want him back then continue with what you are doing and have fun. Yes you are single and you are not in a commited relationship, but when you like someone you dont treat them like this.

 

It seems to me like you want to get revenge on him. You want him to feel like you felt. You want him to grovel at your feet.

 

I love my ex and would never want her to feel this way and I wouldnt treat her this way either. Be honest with him and yourself. Dont start this new "relationship" on lies.

[TiredMan]

Am i the only one who is really thinking this whole attitude is disgusting?

 

I almost want to call this guy and tell him what she is doing. If he had cheated or beaten her, ok I would understand. But NO WAY does he deserve this.

 

I'm sorry if I sound spiteful but I hate when someone treats another person like this.

[NotMyself]

Am i the only one who is really thinking this whole attitude is disgusting?

 

I almost want to call this guy and tell him what she is doing. If he had cheated or beaten her, ok I would understand. But NO WAY does he deserve this.

 

I'm sorry if I sound spiteful but I hate when someone treats another person like this.

 

No, I agree, it disgusts me as well. A word of caution to you sibling, these things always catch up with you. No matter how careful you think you are, it will come back to haunt you. You seem to think your ex owes it to you to have to bust his b*lls to get you back? He has been honest with you and has admitted his mistake. Instead of acknowledging this, you lead him on while going out with these other guys and hooking up? Do you want blood? How far will you go?

 

You have made yourself seem very selfish and immature. No guy deserves what you are doing to him. Let him go!

[charlotte_skye]

Sib,

 

My ex of a yr, broke up with me on VALENTINES DAY, saying he was confused etc.........yes it hurt YES it hurt ALOT, and i agree with you that the best thing i did was move on, i got my independance etc............

 

8 MONTHS LATER he comes back.........do you know what i did?

 

i told him ....explained to him gently over dinner that i never stoped caring for him but during the 8 months we were broken up i HAD to move on, that the best thing baout us breaking up ( prob the only thing also) was that i reunited with my gf's etc n took up courses like photography that i had always wanted to do n that i couldnt have just waited i hope for him to come back, i xplained i loved him but i didnt need him nt hats they way i want it cos its the healthy way.........i explained although i am SOOOOO EXCITED we r back together that my feleings r not AS storng ie. i started to move on but i do have very storng feelings still and i knwo it wont take long for them to be back completely in love storng feleings........he understook this, i also said i had plas this weekend ( first weekend together since break up) that i had made before we got back together ( he understood) but i explained that we would go out for dinner on sun night instead.............

 

the difference between yur story and mine is this: i also have and want to keep my independance and i explained that to him n he also wants it ( who doesnt) but that i would go out to dinner sun nht instead ( this is my input to making it work u see, it takes BOTH of you to make it work.

 

he broke up with me because he was confused WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT HIM TO MAKE THAT UP TO ME???????????/// the way i see it n it is also the way i saw it when he broke up with me is that he is amzin n honest n a person who cares very much for me, so much that he did the right thing by breaking up with me, if u htink ur bf OWES u because he broke up with u, u need to think again..........ppl cant help how they feel, see him as a man n a good honest one at that for breaking up with u...........be thankfull for it, wouldnt it be worse to be with someone who kept how they felt form u n lead u on????????

 

no way in hell would i see someone else, go on a date with someone else even tho my bf broke up with me 8 months ago...............i want it to work so why would i do something that will surely make sure it wont work out......

 

what ur doing is so bad, no offence but its sooooooooooooo evil....that poor guy, all he did was be honest with u......

 

be as kind as he was to you, break it off now, as in stop even saying u will work on it with him

 

your thinking is immmature n bitter. esp when u say 'my gfs say its ok" .......hmmmmmmmmmmmm.........

 

 

even if your man doesnt find out etc...the rship is doomed as u appear to have no sense on respect or love

DN had it when he said there is a major difference between being strong and head strong

[selfi]

ill try to remain as non judgemental as possible, but think about how many people who are out there, and would do ANYTHING to reconcile with their ex's- where you have been handed this on a platter, and are destroying a wonderful opportunity.

 

if my ex said he wanted to give it another go, i know the thought of wanting to take charge of the relationship and put his balls in a vice for making me a wreck all this time would appear in my head but there IS NO WAY IN HELL i would ever do anything to ruin things. ..id move forward and learn from mistakes made by both parties, not hold any grudges or plan revenge.

 

doing things like this and karma will bite you on the As.s i can guarantee it.

[Juha]

Sibling,

 

You feel powerful now but youare using the in am immature and evil way...

 

Yes he hurt you but do you think he meant to???He was letting out how he felt and here you are lying to the person you say you love and want to be with...

 

I am sorry he may have been confused but you are not and youwant to see him hurt before you will think about really trying to work things out...

 

So go and have your superficial date(s) with your hot guy(s) while this poor bastard is being manipulated and played with by you...

 

I hope you are happy because if you love him as much as you say you do you are not showing it ans would not be doing this...

 

I don't know how old you are but you are showing your immaturity by wanting to extract revenge and make him feel the amount of hurt you felt when he broke up with you...

 

How will you decide when he has felt enough hurt??? WHen will youdecide he ahs hurt enough???Do you think he willjust stand by and let you hurt him???

 

I don't think he willif he was confused before and left your words are saying one thing and your actions are saying another, I do not see it taking to long to figure out you are nt being truthful with him about working things out...

 

I hope things work out for you but you seriously need to grow up....

[biacd]

Sib,

 

 

 

please please please understand that noone on this forum hates u or whatsoever, we're all just trying to educate and to tell u what's right, and what's wrong.

 

 

 

don't take it the wrong way k?

 

 

cheers

[Hope75]

See here's where I get confused.

 

You are single, BUT (and this is a BIG BUT like BIG BERTHA BUTT & THE BUTT SISTERS) You told him you were willing to work on the relationship with him. You claim to love him. That means alot of things. but what it does not mean is that you lie to him and go out and date other people.

You are right about the comment that this is doing nothing for your charactor. You can see several people on the forum are disgusted with you and there is good reason. People just don't treat people like this, especially people they claim to love.

 

If you truly wanted to work on this and not just hurt him for breaking up with you, you would know that it take EQUAL effort to make a relationship work, and that there are reasons that you broke up, most likely both of you are at fault, and that he should not be working harder than you to fix this. You BOTH have to want it, you BOTH have to work at it, and because you think he OWES you more to fix this than you owe him, it is doomed to fail, because you have a hideously skewed view of what it takes to repair a damaged relationship and make it healthy.

 

You know what?

 

I think you did love him, but that right now you cannot forgive him for breaking your heart (which I agree with others that he did honestly because he was not sure, and not to hurt you or to date other people or play the field...sometimes you break other people's hearts, it's inevitable, my bf did it to me when we broke up but we worked it out....) and this is fine if you aren't ready to let go of that anger and hurt and forgive him.....

 

BUT.... that means you AREN'T ready to "work on it" as you claim, and that you DON'T love him, as you claim, because if you did, you would NEVER lie to him and go out and date other people! Do you know how hurtful that is, to someone that you claim to love and want to work on the relationship with?

 

Had you not told him this, your actions would be fine. Since you did, that is what I and others here I suspect find deplorable.

You need to make a choice. Either you do love him, and you want to work it out, which means you STOP seeing other people and you FORGIVE him and you WORK on it, or you are too hurt by what he did and YOU WALK AWAY FROM HIM and you BOTH find other people more deserving of your love.

 

Human beings don't treat other human beings like this, especially ones they claim to love.

 

I'm really sad for you, and if I were him, and I knew what you were doing, I would revoke your extra chance and walk away from you for good. For someone who claims to want another chance, you sure don't act like it.

[Trax]

Let me put in a little perspecitve of the person that's been lied to. My ex broke up with me because she claimed she didn't love me anymore. It happened out of the blue one day.

 

Now, I don't know if she had someone lined up to move on to while we were together or not, but about a month after the break up, I saw her making out with some guy at a bar. She knew I was there and did it on purpose to either hurt me more or make me feel jealous. She then had the nerve to call me in the middle of the night and pretend that nothing was wrong. I called her out on it and her attitude was, "so I told you how I felt about you already I can do whatever I want now." She claims she started seeing him a few weeks after we broke up, but during this time I was of course trying to get more answers from her/win her back (the classic thing not to do) but she didn't even mention seeing someone else.

 

The fact of the matter is, she LIED to me about stuff and I am more hurt by the fact that she lied than anything. She was not 100% honest for her reasons in breaking up with me.

 

If she came back and asked me to get back together do you think I could ever trust her again? Why would I want to go back to someone who cannot even be honest? If she did, I would honestly tell her that I cannot forgive her at this moment and that I'm moving on for now. She would need to regain my trust somehow in order to just be friends. The bottom line is, the damage has been done.

 

You have an opportunity to set things right with your ex and by going behind his back you are damaging that trust. You're not being honest with him and you're certainly not being honest with yourself. As much as I would like to get back at my ex for what she did, I know I'm a bigger person than that. I can show her that I'm more mature than this.

 

I'm sure my ex didn't think I'd ever find out what was going on, but I did. And your ex will certainly find out at some point or another and it will cause you more problems than they're worth. Once trust is broken it is almost impossible to regain. Tell him the truth that you're not ready yet to forgive and go on with your life. You can't have your cake and eat it too and expect to get back with him in case things don't go well.

[sibling295]

hello there - enotaloner's-

 

well i do hear and completely understand what everyone is saying... please do not think that i dont...

 

i think it was hope who said that i can't forgive him for breaking my heart .. and thats the truth...

 

You see we were soooo good together --- there was no abuse - no 3rd person - we laughed all the time - I wanted to get engaged/married - he got scared - then dumped me. btw- he just turned 40 - I am early thirties...

 

I know he has come back now - but to be honest - he scares me... what if he does it again?? sometimes when i think about him - i get very very insecure about our love.

 

So what i am doing is like a self preserve thing. I know it upsets some pple and i agree its immature , unhealthy , whatever i am not dumb - i know it could lead to disaster - but actually i am already there in disaster - i mean he broke up with me - he stopped believing , he cut the ties between our innocent love - now its no longer innocent and magical- its tainted - does this make sense?

 

anyway - my date was awesome last night -NO PHYSICAL CONTACT - he dropped me off and said he couldnt wait to see me again. I told him , well i will call you during the week.

 

I am supposed to go to lunch today with that other guy - but he hasnt called - i dont care really if he does or doesnt. I havent called my ex yet today - I may not - he should call me really so i am not. even though i told himi would call him today.

 

I dont know if you can ever have the innocense back - the magic i mean , but i am not going to call my ex and tellhimi am secretly seeing other men - i amgoing to wait it out - at least a few more weeks. We will see .

I do appreciate everyones thoughts - even tiredman who is ready to call my ex and tell him!!!

[TiredMan]

Because that is NOT how you treat someone just because he got scared. Either work on it (don't date ANYONE else) or tell him and let him just move on from you because YOU are actually being the emotionally abusive one here. You may not be "together" but when you tell someone you are taking it slow and working on it, it does not mean dating others, sleeping with others, and hiding it from him. You are hiding it because you know he will walk. And, in all honesty, he should walk from you.