Feel so alone... Need encouragement...

[augustus]

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago after about a year together. We were friends just prior to that and got along amazing. I have been doing NC for the last 6 weeks or so. I feel I didn't fight the break up very hard, I told her that relationships require work, that I loved her, that didn't want it to end, etc but she seemed adament that she wanted out so I backed off, hoping that it was all just a big misunderstanding. I kept hoping that I would hear from her but I haven't. I find that the more time that passes the worse I feel. The endless bouts of self blame and obsessing about what ifs, etc are driving me nuts. I found out that soon after, she was already seeing (and still is) someone and am having a great deal of difficulty dealing with this. I feel so disposable, so low. I don't understand how she could have moved on so quickly and I'm stuck in this horrible place mentally. I don't recall ever having cried so much. I miss her and can't understand what I did wrong. Just a 2 months before she ended it we were talking about marriage, buying a house, kids, etc. There was no abuse of any kind, I really thought I had found the person I was going to spend my life with.

 

The crazy thing is that I fully understand intellectually that I am now hurting myself. She has moved on and yet I keep this relationship on life support inside myself. I can't seem to let go. I think I was in denial for quite some time, but the fact that she hasn't initiated any kind of contact leads me to believe that it is truly over. I miss her terribly. Ultimately, I thought we had an incredible connection and I fear I may never find that kind of connection with anyone else. She has taken on a whole new dimension in my own mind. I think we raise our exes onto a pedestal. I feel so weak compared to her. My self esteem is in the gutter and everything seems so dark and hopeless. I am working out, but still having a lot of trouble with sleep, I've had to resort to meds for sleep as it is becoming increasingly difficult to hold down a demanding job. I have dreamt about her the past two nights. I'm at my wits end. I'm trying to keep busy, but everything reminds me of her. She seems flawless. I have absolutely no interest in other women. Whats even worse, I'm still rationalizing and wishful thinking that she will change her mind, though reality dictates otherwise.

 

I know I'm somewhat inarticulate right now, but has anyone felt this way, after this much time? I have read numerous posts here and it seems like people are able to move on after a couple of months, for me it doesn't even seem close. Some encouraging words would be very much appreciated. I just want to feel like I'm not so alone. Thank you.

[TiredMan]

Me and my ex of 8 years have been broken up for 4 months now and it's just as hard now as it had been. It was the worst for the first 2 weeks but we do talk and I pray there is hope but that feeling you describe is there for me every day. So you are DEFINITELY not alone.

[RayKay]

It took me 5 or 6 months to move on after my last breakup. One day I woke up, realized I was exhausted about still living for them when they seemed to care less about how I felt, and I moved on and never looked back again. Never even posted about it because I was so moved on!

 

And found someone even more amazing, more wonderful, with whom I share the same goals, values and beliefs...he loves me as strongly as I do him and I don't regret my ex leaving me at all now!

 

I know it seems you see many around here whom have moved on after two, but if you look closer you will see many whom are still on their healing journey months later.

 

It is different for everyone. And you HAVE done the right thing so far, by staying away from her, and not contacting her.

 

 

I don't know what her history in relationships is or anything, but I can say that in her mind she resolved to break up before she did, which is why she seems to have moved on. She also found someone else whom may or may not be a rebound, which also aids some in just "leaving" the past behind (if albeit temporarily). That in itself shows she is far from flawless, the fact that instead of talking to you about what was going on in her mind and heart she left, shows she is not flawless because as you know yourself, relationships take work.

[Day_Walker]

Its actually pretty easy when you think about why she is able to move on so quickly, first of all you are transposing your emotions on her and you believe that she was feeling the same that she felt now this may have been true at a time in the relationship but I believe at some point before the break up she was preparing herself for it. This is what enabled her to move forward quickly. Instead of having the what ifs kill you, I think you need to do some things for yourself, you need to begin the physical process of moving on. Socialize more and get back into your routine.

[Dako]

augustus,

 

You're far from inarticulate, and you obviously have the tools to get over this without scarring. I'm sure that's no consolation as you struggle along, but you will feel better.

 

It's been almost 2 months since splitting with my wife after 24 years and I'm just starting to enjoy life again. I no longer feel worthless and defective, so that's a start.

 

One thing that helped me was to quit trying to figure everything out. I just accepted that she stopped wanting to be with me. It happens.

 

This forum has been really helpful by putting my life in perspective.

[heloladies21]

All your feelings are normal! Best thing you could do right now is to talk to other girls. Even if you have to force yourself to, it will make you feel better.

 

You will find better for sure. You deserve someone who can show you REAL love. She's out there, trust me on this.

[J a m e s]

Hi Augustus

 

You are not alone my friend, i have and am going through the same feelings as you. My ex left me after 6 yrs and got with someone else, so much so she actually text me and told me after 6 weeks later she was. We have been split just over 10 weeks now and i have not contacted her since she text me that. She has text me a few times, wanting to know how i am but i have never responded.

 

I am at almost breaking point now where i want to text her and just hear her voice, but i know it will do me know good. Everyday im holding out when i get home she will be at my door waiting for me, or she rings me saying she wants to re-work our relationship...its on my mind most of the day and has been for the last week.

 

I dont have a magic formula to make things better or how to keep the brain going in the right direction other than to think positive and love yourself. This is what i am doing, making myself a better, stronger person. You will be happy again believe me, this feeling wont last forever.

 

Keep busy, think positive, love yourself and always remember you are not alone...we are all here for the same reasons and to help each other. I feel for you my friend, as i really know how it feels. If you feel down or need to chat send me a pm

[Rainz]

2 months is still very early, you were in love with this girl, your feelings are not going to just disappear quickly. All what you're going through is normal as well. Don't feel because you've not moved on in 2 months then you're not normal. I experienced a break up 6-7 months back and I've only recently started to feel back to myself again, and still have had backward steps emotion wise on my healing journey. Different strokes for different folks.

You're grieving the end of your relationship, so allow yourself the time. Just try and be strong, do NC, keeps yourself as busy as possible. Spend time with family, close friends, those who can lift your spirits. Keeping a journal to write and vent my feelings helped me as well as coming to these boards. Look aroudn the forums you will see many people are going through the same as you.

[augustus]

Thank you for your replies. Sometimes its so nice to know that one is not alone even though it feels that way. I'm just very confused and my emotions are extremely volatile, I could be fine in the morning and absolute mess a few hour later. Right now I feel like crawling out of my own skin, its unreal. I'm soo restless. This forum, and writing seem to help. I'm so grateful that I finally found the courage to at least post, and realize that there are so many wonderful people who care.

 

TiredMan:

 

I have been down that road before, 3 years ago, when a 6 year relationship ended (can't say that it gets easier the next time). It took me a long time to get over her (don't know exactly how long) but I do recall running into her one day and realizing, that the person I was looking at and the person in my head that I was still clinging to were totally different. The illusion was broken. In fact I couldn't care less whether I spoke to her or not. For some reason, that was a lot easier to accept because we were constantly at odds (not to say it was easy). I was out five nights a week and met lots of people, but I was constantly drinking and partying. This time around, I'm trying to avoid that and just work though the pain, but its hard.

 

Raykay:

 

I long for that day (waking up free). Others have told me that too. i find it really hard to tame my thoughts. I had just moved on from a previous breakup and found the aforementioned woman whom I thought was the person I had always been looking for. Its discouraging to say the least. I feel I have no choice, but no contact, since I do not want the hurt. I txt msgd her two week after asked her how she was just to keep the lines of communication open. She was "doing well", but did not seem very interested in keeping the conversation going.

 

Dako:

 

Glad to hear you are doing better. It must be incredibly difficult, to have been with someone for that long and have it end. Puts things in perspective. I admire your strength. As you mentioned I am plagued by this nagging feeling that there is something wrong with me. I have been reading self help books non-stop, and find that a lot of times you just end up feeling worse. I have packed them up, the more I read them the more inadequate I feel.

 

Day_Walker:

 

Intellectually I grasp everything you are saying but my mind just can't seem to let go. Its still a tough little pill to swallow. I'm trying but I think wayyyyy tooo much. Looking for the off switch.

 

heloladies21:

 

Thank you. It really doesn't feel that way right now, nor am I really ready to date, as the preoccupation with the ex may be an obstacle. Next week I will try to start going out again. The thing is its really not that hard for me to meet other women, but to meet someone and have chemistry is very hard.

 

I think too much, thereforeeee I write too much. lol...

[kpow]

augustus,

 

I am dealing with many of the same things you are, with ex dating a friend of mine who lives upstairs!! So it could be worse. But god, it takes time. You can read in my posts-- the tremendous ups and downs, the despair, feeling on the brink of disaster. It has been a couple of months so far, and just last night I was in tears for hours. But honestly, it is better overall. the pain is not so incapacitating as it once was. I, too, have focused on exercise as an outlet. The one good thing is now i am in great shape, thanks to not being able to eat at first and working out to not go crazy now! I don't know, man. I have said before what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I don't know how frickin strong I need to be!

 

hang in there. If at all possible maintain NC to the nth degree. It is when i see my ex that falling apart occurs.

[Wimpy]

Augustus

 

You are far from inarticulate and you are not writing too much either!!!!

 

You are certianly not alone. Only the other day I posted that I am still finding it difficult to gain "closure" on what my ex did and it's over 7 months ago. Those of us unable to "robotically" switch from love to disinterest are thereforeeee going to find it really hard to move on.

 

However, even though there's not a day goes by but what I think of my ex and wonder how and why he did what he did, I AM stronger and I AM in charge of my life again.

 

2 months in I was a wreck and like Rainz said I still have a backward step and like kpow said I find myself upset at times.

 

Just try and focus on other things and don't beat yourself up.

 

Just after it happened I was in NO shape to go to work and went to the Doc to get signed off for 3 weeks. She told me that what I'd been through was the same as a bereavement and I should acknowledge and accept that. I cast my mind back 6 years to when my father died suddenly whilst I was away on holiday. It took me MONTHS to get over that but because it was a bereavement people expected it to take time. No-one expected me back to my "old self" after 2 months my friend! So, this is the same emotional journey and you need to give yourself time and remember you are NOT alone.

 

Like Rainz I wrote a journal. I also wrote loads of e-mails to my ex about how I felt - I never sent one but it helped off-load the pent-up emotions inside.

 

Be strong

[Dako]

augustus,

 

I'm glad to hear you packed up the self-help books.

To a hammer, everything is a nail.

To a self-help book, everyone needs to be fixed.

 

 

My best breakthrough was realizing I'm okay just being myself. I must admit to a bleak hour every few days, but they are easing up. Just a few tears now in a non-fetal postion. The loud sobbing has ceased and humor has crept in.

 

I wish you well in your journey.