How does one heal after a breakup?

[renaissancewoman101]

It has been over a month since our breakup. I am still upset about it, although not as bad as before. I still miss my ex-bf a lot. I have a lot of regrets about the relationship. I feel it was my fault that he broke up with me. I had lost my feelings for him in Feb., and since I had never had that happen to me with anybody, my first reaction was to push him away, avoid him, etc. He did a lot to try to get me to like him again, and he chased hard. Then at the end of this summer, he gave up and decided to break up with me. I was his second long term relationship. I was the first girl he ever dumped, considering most times when he did date, the relationships did not last long, and the girls dumped him instead. Part of that hurts me real bad because I would think that if he had been constantly dumped by other women, he would understand how it would feel to be me, to be dumped by him. Also, he is a compassionate soul. He shoud understand that things can be worked out, feelings can be rekindled.

 

I did not speak to him for over three weeks. Then yesterday, I called him at work to get some pain meds back from him. He was cordial and friendly to me on the phone. He told me that I could come down by his place last night. I was surprised and was happy about it.

 

I went down last night for about three hours. Am I pissed about the whole thing of going down to see the ex, yes and no. I realize that yes I still do love him, but it isnt as intense as it was before. Him dumping me hurts and I would like to have him back (if I had to be honest, would be gratification of my ego - I did not like being dumped by a guy who was always dumped by other women - I am the first girl he has ever dumped). Now that hurt. I do want him back because he is one of the nicest guys I ever dated. He never went out of his way to hurt me. Always took care of me as best he could, was there for me always, courteous, etc. Perfect gentlemen. He put a lot of effort into the relationship. I know that because I had lost my feelings in Feb, and he tried hard to get them back for me, after Feb, he chased me hard, but I lost interest, until he dumped me. Then it felt like the world fell in around me. We shared little in common, he liked toys and video games and childlike things. I liked adult things like going out to eat, traveling, etc.

 

I did the whole thing wrong last night. I ended up trying to convince him to come back to me. That didnt work. At first, I tried to be nice and do the hang out routinel. When I first got there we talked about how we had been doing and then I asked him if he wanted to play a computer game because he likes that kind of stuff. He said no. He didnt want to go out to eat either. He frustrated me so much because I wanted to be nice and do the stuff we used to do that HE liked. I tried to convince him to give me a second chance. He doesnt want to because he doesnt see any hope in it. Did I cry about it, nope. I should have been strong and told him to his face, that I dont need him, etc. Should have acted like a b*tch to him and told him that I didnt care, then maybe he would come back. Dont understand him. He has been in my shoes many times being dumped by girls all the time. Now he had to go and be the dumper, he should know how it feels. I know he is one of the most compassionate guy I ever met.

 

I still cant believe I threw him away. If I had not changed my feelings for him in Feb., we could still have been together. I wish my feelings had not changed. I had never had that happen to me before with anybody. I loved him so much in the beginning. Then one day in Feb, I took a look at him and realized that everything he did drove me nuts and I couldnt stand him. Tonight, when I hung out with him, some of the stuff that he was doing, was irritating like of old. Even when my feelings changed, he tried to be there for me always, taking care of me, hoping to regain my love. It was only after I treated him like crap because I didnt know how to deal with my loss of feelings, that he dumped me.

 

He is going to a Halloween party this weekend with a bunch of Faire people. I should try to talk to the guy who is having the party and get myself invited. I need to meet people and find a new bf, preferably someone HE knows, that way he can see how it feels to be shafted.

 

I dont understand how I could do this, lose my feelings for one guy. We shared little in common but he truly did love me at first and he always treated me as a woman should be. He lavished time, attention, and gifts to the best of his ability. I was just used to a certain way of life and he couldnt give me that because he wasnt used to it, and because he made so much less than I did.

 

I am healing because I am not as mad about the situation as I was about three weeks ago. Even though I saw him last night, I am sad about it, but I am not completely heartbroken about it. I didnt think it would work last night, when I drove down there but I gave it the good old college try. Also, I wanted to see him again. I do miss him a lot.

 

I am trying to move on by getting involved in other things and meeting new people and hopefully finding a new bf. How does one move on and not feel sad about it??? Even though I am trying to move on, I still feel sad about this one, and there are a lot of regrets.

[RayKay]

It just takes TIME and faith that you WILL heal in time. It takes moving on, throwing yourself back into life and the things you love.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you wanted him back because you could not stand being the one dumped....you said yourself you lost your feelings for him, and he irritated you in many of the things he did/was....you lost your feelings maybe because he was not the right person for you, plain and simple, only he broke it off first. Someone can be great, just not right. Your reaction seems more a response to "how could HE dump ME?" rather then genuinely loving whom he is.

 

I think he is right when he says there should be no second chance as there is no hope in it - I am not sure you want him back for the right reasons, and I imagine that his feelings have already turned towards the future after dealing with the rejection from you for so long. It's not just about how you feel, its about how he feels...why would you want him to take you back only out of of pity or compassion for how it feels?

 

I don't know how long you went out...but you said you both loved one another at first...then things changed...I would say then rather you maybe lusted one another, and it did not turn into love...the relationship has run its course.

 

It hurts, but move on.

[gattsuga]

No contact... it almost sounds like the only reason you want him back is because he dumped you and hurt your ego. what happens if you two get back together? are you just going to turn around and dump him and hurt him even more so? the guy is in enough pain already, and he's being strong about it. don't make him go through anymore hopeless thoughts/feelings again.

 

are you sure you're just not missing him and all the nice things he did for you? do you see any hope that this relationship would work out? if not, then best to just move on...

[renaissancewoman101]

RayKay, we went out for about two years. The first year was great. He was so nice, kind and attentive to me. Second year was ok until I lost my feelings for him in Feb, but I didnt dump him. I just pulled away from him and curtailed the amount of time I spent with him. He chased me hard, but I stayed aloof from him until in Sept, he had enough and dumped me. He tried hard and now, in hindsight, i realize how stupid I was. i should have tried to work at the relationship as much as he did since he did care and didnt give up. I gave up. I am so new at relationships, that I just didnt know how to get the feelings back and I was afraid to tell him at first. I never experienced loss of feelings for someone and it scared me since I had no idea how to deal with it.

 

RayKay and gattsuga, i am trying to move on by getting myself involved in other things. It is just hard to do since I like him so much. I do miss spending time with him and doing stuff with him. Only after he left did I realize how much I did miss him.

 

I think I am feeling this way because I hung out with him last night and he didnt want to do anything together with me that he likes doing, like playing computer games, going out to eat, etc. It is as though he wants to cut me out of his life. I thought that at least we could do something on friendly terms so maybe could reignite the feelings, but he didnt want it. Last night, he was nervous around me, we talked about the relationship and rehashed it, but he didnt seem like he wanted to do anything for old times sake.

 

He still has the cell phone and he still owes me money. He tells me he still cares about me and wants to be friends with me, but I dont know. I have no idea when I will see him again. He tells me he wants to be free to take care of his own stuff (artwork, paying bills, etc).

 

I am pissed at his best friend Brian. I tried to get some advice from him to see how to get my ex back. We went out to dinner to discuss things and he came up with some stuff to tell me. The a**hole went and told my ex that I was calling him about him. What a jerk. I wasnt trying to know about the ex's life, just to see if possible to get him back.

 

I am tired and want to give up on my life.

[Echo]

Ren I am going to be harsh.....

 

First I agree with the OTHER posters, and that you seem to only ne upset that he dumped YOU. Rejection sucks...bad....but did you NOT reject HIM for months and months? How do you expect him to react?? He kissed your butt 7 months, what more do you want?? I would say he put up more than a good fight for you..and now that YOU have decided YOU want HIM back, he should understand more? Are you in lala land?

 

Sorry but you made your bed ..you have to lie in it. Remember..people are not doormats to be walked on. Accept he dumped you and move on

[renaissancewoman101]

Echo, yes, I know I made my own bed and I have to lie in it. I went about this whole thing the wrong way. That is the irony of the whole thing. I did learn a lot from this relationship and it should help me in my next one, I hope. I just cant understand how one person (me) who loved someone so much for a long time ( I was in love with my ex for over a year even when he and I took a week break last Sept) could just one day look at that person and lose all her feelings for the guy. That was what happened to me, and it is a scary thing. I just looked at him that evening sitting accross the table at a fancy restaurant and everything about him began to bother me and my feelings all just changed like that. Has anybody ever had that happen to them? I dont understand why that happened, it wasnt as though he treated me badly or that he cheated on me. He was one of the best boyfriends that I ever had for he treated a woman the way she should be treated.

[Echo]

Ren.....

 

What you started doing was taking your ex for granted. We are ALL guilty of doing it...however it sounds like you pushed it to the extreme. I'm not being judgemental..just going by what you've posted. I have a tendency to be turned off by guys who are too nice to me and I have to catch myself when that happens. I think it's human nature to be turned off by people that are TOO nice or accomodating. We all like that challenge or that person that is elusive,indifferent, etc. I had a very unaffectionate and uncaring father...so I know where it stems from and I have to remind myself that that is a trait that frustrates me, so I've gotten a lot better at NOT being attracted to guys with those traits.

 

I DO wish you the best of luck with all this. Keep being strong.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I took him for granted partially because he was always there for me. Part of me likes the chase and the challenge of someone who is not always available, hence my somewhat attachment to my gay best friend (one time ex bf too). He treated me like a queen and was so accommodating. He never cheated on me either. We were very different though in terms of what we liked, disliked, etc. and in time, I think that turned off my feelings for him. He was into stuff that was very childish (computer games, playing with action figures, toys, etc). He also liked to hang around friends that were a lot younger than him, his best friend is 16 years old and my ex is 32.

 

I pushed it to the extreme because I lost my feelings for him and I did not know how to deal with it. I was afraid to break up with him myself because I know how it feels like to get dumped so I didnt want to do that to someone who was so nice and loving. I dealt with my loss of feelings as best as I could which was to pull away from him. He chased me hard but I couldnt deal. Only when he dumped me was when I realized what I had lost. I do regret this whole thing.

 

Maybe in the future we can get back together again. Not sure. I still somewhat do love him. I miss him a lot and I am somewhat beating myself over the head for what I have done.

 

I had a very unaffectionate and uncaring father...so I know where it stems from and I have to remind myself that that is a trait that frustrates me, so I've gotten a lot better at NOT being attracted to guys with those traits. When you say this are you meaning that you are attracted to guys who are unaffectionate and uncaring like your dad? I guess we are attracted to those most like our parents.

 

I am trying to move on and it is hard. I am trying to get involved with doing things with other people, like these people from the guinea pig rescue.

 

I am curious though, has anybody ever, all of a sudden, just lost his/her feelings for their boyfriend, like everything was going great and then all of a sudden, just one day, you look at your bf/gf and suddenly everything about them starts to bother you like hell.

[fadedfantasy]

Hey!! I read your story. I've been kind of going through the same thing as you. My ex asked me out last January. I said yes and we were together for a few months. Everything was great, we were really good friends, and had a lot of fun together, both of us were into games, and would buy each other things, I could tell he was really interested in me and he was so nice, too nice. Suddenly I don't know what happened but I began to lose interest in him, basically I don't think I was ready for a real relationship.

 

By May we kind of just stopped contacting each other all together. He called me a few times in May but I didn't answer, (I really regret that). I ran into his parents a few times in June and July and they would tell me how much he likes me. I was like ok? Why can't he just call me then? They said he had poor self esteem and was shy..?

 

I saw him again recently in September by chance... He wanted to go out with me again so he had his sister call me and ask. We went out on a date but I noticed he wasn't as interested in me as he used to be. Instead he was intensely nervous and really shy and it was making me uncomfortable. I began to email him and call him but would get no response.

 

After that we didn't speak again for another month. But I really began to miss him and wonder if I made a huge mistake. A few days ago I went to his work to pick up a few things and ran into him. We talked about stuff, but I saw his smile and I couldn't control myself, and I asked him out again. He said he'd call me but never did and now he won't answer my calls again or write me back.

 

I don't know if hes shy, or uninterested. Im let alone shocked that hes ignoring me but I guess I had it coming. I miss him so bad and want things to be the way they were last Feb. I know I was really immature at the time and didn't really understand his feelings and that someone actually liked me that much. I've been going on and off enotalone forum for weeks trying to get help and advice. Im even moreso mad at myself for breaking NC though. Neway just for the time being Im going back to NC, I know I made mistakes, I know he made mistakes, but what will be, will be. keep the faith and good luck to us both.. 8)

[Trax]

I am curious though, has anybody ever, all of a sudden, just lost his/her feelings for their boyfriend, like everything was going great and then all of a sudden, just one day, you look at your bf/gf and suddenly everything about them starts to bother you like hell.

 

This sounds very similar to what my ex-gf did to me. The difference is that she didn't show any signs of not caring or indifference towards me. Don't get me wrong, we had some problems like everyone else, but I thought that things were getting better between us and we were happy together. Then, one day out of the blue she says she doesn't love me as a boyfriend only as a friend, doesn't want to be with me, has moved on in her life, etc....This was about a month and a half ago...you can read my story under the thread I started.

[DN]

If you want an ex back and you were the dumper - then no contact is not a good idea. If he won't contact you and you won't contact him, how can you put the relationship back together?