When the juice really isn't worth the squeeze; Move on!

[Zerohero]

It's always easy until you get that out of a blue chance of contact. Stay strong, remember your self worth bro.

[FCTex]

Might I suggest removing her name from AIM.

 

Personally removing her number and name from your phone and your AIM, and E-mail is a great idea.

 

I did it, and even though I know all the contact info by heart. It keeps you from pondering it. It's a safety measure really.

 

I know what you mean though. Because of the aftermath of the break up, you just can't see ever wanting anything again, because you've seen a side of someone that you loved once, and you didnt like it.

 

The hurt overshadows what little bit you have left for them. Thats a sign of moving on. Stay strong.. Each day gets better and you realize how much crap you're putting on yourself for this.

 

You don't owe your ex a reply to anything. Even if her house is on fire, she pushed you away, your not there. Keep it that way.

[Nicesmile]

FCTex i was really getting weak and running to the toilet to cry, but after I read your post, well am not crying and I have actually put in some work. Good work!a and thanks. Will remember the juice stuff. Fact is they are not thinking of us especially if we are the dumpee. Mine has actually said am a closed book to him... so Yes I agree with you totally am crying over the past, over who he was and who I was. need to own the past and what about it went wrong. I definitely do not want the emotionless person who dumped me, back, who looked into my pretty face and my gorgeous eyes and told me he doesn't want me anymore. If it were to ever work out, and like somebody says we all have hope, it absolutely must be on a clean slate with all the cards on the table and like you said the question would be...is it worth the squeeze? Time... thats all I need. Am on week two of NC though we broke up earlier and circumstances forced us to stay together.... so have a long way to go. Thanks FCTex.

[FCTex]

My ex finally got in touch with me last night.

 

Don't ask me why, but I responded to her contact this time, instead of doing the normal NC I had with her. I'm done with her totally, and I had no reason to talk to her, but for some reason..

 

 

Come to find out, she's upset. She's not happy. She's in counseling, and working on herself. She admits she had some selfish problems recently, and had some "other stuff" going on.. She misses me, loves me still, and regrets everything she's done in the last 4 months. She said she can't bare the thought that we'd never talk again, even on just a friendly level. She was a mess, and said she'd give everything she had right now, for just a day back with me.

 

She asked for me back. She asked if it was in the cards in the future and for me to keep and open mind and heart.

 

She tried to remenisce about the old times, sent me old pictures online of us.. She got really mushy, and really upset. She admitted her faults, put herself down, and I even said a few things to teach her a lesson, and to really make sure she understood what she did.

 

She said her boyfriend now, is nothing compared to me. Nothing. She says her family misses me, and over the holidays, she said her extended family, was still asking about me, and she cried because she said she hadn't talked to me in 2 months.. She told me she's been lookin at our "memory box", and gets really upset looking over every piece of our lives, for 2 years in that box.

 

 

I gave her no answer, but to just pray.. I didnt make small talk, and I was very short and cold with her at times..

 

She's still trying to contact me however..

 

 

Stay strong everyone.. It's amazing when you realize the day DOES come for some, to offer a second chance, and you'll realize how stupid you were to even FIGHT for a second chance. It's not worth it, and I've found out there are far better people in this world, who will love you just the same, if not more, and that haven't had the history to hurt you.

[eimono]

Man, if my ex called me and told me that, I don't think I could tell her no. That's what I wanted her to do, go get help with her problems. Admit she did some wrong, and of course change.

 

I totally understand what you're saying about not wanting them back after they have hurt you. But the thing is this... People can change, but it usually takes a lot of pain to do it. For me, I had been hurt enough that it made me break up with her. It made me see how I needed help for myself. So I started going to counseling. I got involved back with all my old friends. It did change me... Now I know I want to be projecting my feelings on to her, but if she really did change too then we could be happy.

 

I think you told her the right thing, I just don't think I'm strong enough to tell my ex that if she said the same thing to me. I'm in week 3 (almost 1/2) of NC now. She sent me a card for thanksgiving but I didn't reply. Congrats on staying strong, I hope we all can be that way when our time comes too.

[coooolsome]

FCTex, who knew the day would come. I remember first talking with you back in September. So the question I would like to ask....are you going to take her back? Are you considering it, or have you moved on completely?

[Trax]

Wow, you've come a long way man. That must have been a tough thing for you to do. How long was she seeing her new bf for and how long after she broke things off with you did she start going out w/ him?

 

It sounds like you've completely let her go. Good for you. Its coming up on 3 months myself. I had to find out the hard way my ex was seeing someone else. It was devestating. Especially so soon after she ended things. I've accepted it and there's waves of emotion now and then, but she's basically dead to me. She's the one initiating whatever little contact there is. The drunken call the night I caught her, the e-mail the next Monday...one month NC, then the IM last week. I knew it would happen. Her foundation is starting to crack and the realization is setting in. Our stories are quite similar. I know eventually I'll get the call you received as well. Its only a matter of time...by then I will probably have completely healed and will be able to let go as well.

 

You've done well my friend. I suspect this won't be the last you hear of her.

[nyc2005]

Hello everybody is weird how we all are going through the same thing. I have posted here before about my x and me our 9 year relationship and she dumped me 2 months ago to be exact. Yeah i have made no contact with her i'm being strong to tell you the truth i don't have any interest in getting back with her when i saw her last week she made my stomach sick. Let me explain why i felt this way.

The reason for her wanting to breakup was because she wanted to be ALONE so she moved out of our house now mine 3 days after the breakup 2 weeks after that i find out how she is going out to clubs and by her own mouth i find out she had slept with 2 other people.

I was disgusted. I felt anger because i felt she disrespected me and did not even grieve. Well then now i find out again that she is with somebody for the past 3 weeks. How this is her new relationship and she denies it but its true and confirm.

This person is 10 years older than her lives with 2 roommates one being the x and my x got a cel for this person so its got pretty serious too soon. I now have initiated not picking up her calls i really don't want to know about her just because i know she will get hurt by this person and she is not listening and i don't want to see it happenned. Everyone had warned her about this person and how this person uses the heart condition to make people sorry for this person and how this person likes to use people. My x has been warned but not listening. So now 100% no contact i don't have to tell her that i don't want her friendship actions speak louder than words. Any advice?

[coooolsome]

FCTex, I just went back and read the very first post you ever wrote and its amazing to see how you have grown in 3 months. At first you were so devistated, wanting her back, didnt think you could be happy. And now, you are strong, you know you can be happy without someone, you are in control or yourself. Its amazing. Good luck to you.

[FCTex]

I did that too.. I'm proud of myself.. I went back and read, and saw just all the mistakes and the red flags..

 

I don't want her back. I could have lived without saying anything to her last night..

 

 

Do I want her back? No.. Because I just feel like the trust is gone. I feel like she wins in the end if I did.. Not only for that, but I don't love her.. Sure I could fall in love again, but it's not the same.. Part of me wants to go to dinner with her and just see what happens.. Part of me can't because of the past 4 months. Part of me can't and won't forget, it's all mental.

 

I dont think I'm considered it, only because of this new girl. Althought things aren't exactly going as I want with this new women, and part of it makes me want to reach for past comfort.. I still know it's not the right thing to do. Despite how ironic it would be to try again.

[coooolsome]

Good for you. Just remember, you are a better person now. Also to forgive her for her mistake. She is only human. Its funny to see you say you dont love her b/c I remember 3 months ago you couldnt live without her. You made great progress and your story gives me hope that I will also become that strong and move on.

[Hawk]

Great story and great inspiration for all of us that come to this forum. Congratulations.

[FCTex]

I love her from the past, just as you love someone who's passed away.

 

And just tonight.. I got in touch with her, and simply said.. "I forgive you, as hard as it is.... I forgive you, and I accept your apology."

 

I left it as that and she was left stunned.. She almost cried it seemed. I ended the conversation, as I don't really think I want to be friends with her, just yet..

 

I'm finding alot of compassion lately.. I think perhaps because I've entered a new relationship with another woman, and I'm just.. High.. High on expecations.

 

Thanks for the support everyone. Stay strong. We all get the best in the end.

[phillygal]

Wow, i kinda saw it coming, especially when she was attempting to get in touch with you so much, but i didn't think it would happen this quickly. As i stated before in a previous post, she thought the grass was greener on the other side and i guess she realised she was wrong. Sometimes when people have a good thing, they take it for granted. I think she thought other men would treat her the same way you treated her. But as i have gotten older i realise that if you find someone that treats you right, you should never take it for granted. Unfortunately, for most people that realization usually comes with maturity and learning it the hard way.

 

If i had been in your place, and my ex sincerely apologised for hurting me and wanted to get back together, it would've been hard for me to say no. I hope whatever you ultimately decide, will make you happy, but don't miss out on your soulmate because of your pride or because of the past. If you are truly over her, then more power to you, but if you still love her and you have forgiven her, then maybe you shouldn't be so quick to shut her out.

[Fivek]

My Oh My How Things Change. Congratulations on your Success.

[coooolsome]

FCTex, god I wish I was in your position lol. I do understand where you are coming from though and good luck to you.

[FCTex]

I've been open to talking to her. However, I've just entered a new relationship with someone who I think is worlds better than my ex, so far. I don't think I'm going to drop my new scene, for the old... I still have some forgiving to do, and we both have some more growing up to do.

 

She had her time to see if the grass was greener, I think it's my turn to see the other side too right now. She's still in her relationship, and have hinted to me, even today.. that she'd be ready to end that for us to slowly work on something again..

 

 

Pride is not in my way.. The past is.

 

Thanks for the words everyone. I feel so empowered again.

[Trax]

Sounds like a good plan and in all honesty is probably the right thing to do. Would you be more willing to reconsider if you weren't involved with anyone else right now though? I know that's a "what if?" but something to consider while you now get to ponder what it is you want. You're in complete control now. The ball is in your hands. Hopefully I will be in that position soon.

 

After reading through this forum quite a bit it seems that there's really only a couple of scenarios (that I could come up with anyways) where a reconciliation could happen and work out in the end. 1. If both parties agree to a mutual "break" without seeing anyone else and setting a time table of say a few months and then getting back together and seeing if the feeling is still there. 2. A break up occurs where both parties have completely gotten over each other and have started other relationships. After testing the waters both parties split (for whatever reason) with the new and slowly start trying to build something back with the old. Rekindle the flame if you will.

 

I think in both scenarios each party is given a lot of time to reflect on what it is they want/desire in a partner and to work on themselves to correct their own flaws. It also gives them time to see if they are more compatible with someone else although you don't necessarily have to be with someone else to realize that. These aren't black and white cases of course because there's always going to be shades of grey. This is just a general consensus of what I feel would need to happen in order for exes to be successful at working something out in the future.

 

Either way, congrats on being strong. Things will only continue to get better.

[selfi]

FCTex u deserve a wealth of happiness, just as everyone on this forum does and Im so proud and inspired by your story. You refused to be played by your ex, which is amazing strength on your part.

 

She even wants to get back with you despite being with another man. Congrats!

[FCTex]

So.. The past few days, her and I have had some more contact than usual..

 

None of it on the phone, generally just texting.

 

I've been very cold to her, and short, and very frustrated.. She's not saying anything about it, other than she feels like I have some anger and frustration.

 

I told her that I think it's fine for me to be frustrated with her and the situation. She agreed, and said she understands. She's basically just beat around the bush, I feel like she's got alot of pride for herself still, and while she's slowly giving back, she's still kinda distant to me. Not enough to make me jump ship, and want to come out and maybe try something with her..

 

Although, ironically, I've had some serious thoughts of wanting to just see her, or... just see what could happen. I always get taken back when I'm with my girlfriend. I really like this new girl, alot, and it makes me wonder why I was even with my ex in the first place, although I could still love my ex. I also don't want my ex in my life at the same time I'm forging this new relationship. Thats asking for trouble I believe.

 

I don't know what to do. I really like this new girl, and I'm certainly not going to ruin anything with her, because I think it's promising, but at the same time it's comforting to know that I can figure out what I want in a partner, and at the same time, allow my ex to learn her lesson still.

 

Worse case... I know I could possibly always just want to work something with my ex in the future. Who knows. I think the contact has been nice, but I think it's set me back somewhat, enough to make me think about this all more than I think I should.

 

I'm not going to stray. My ex is my ex for a reason, her reasons. I have a girlfriend, and I am happy.

 

My ex also wants me to go to church with her on Sunday, and kept asking me if I was going to come, and that she'd like to see me and would sit with me.. I don't know if I want to go. I'd like too, and to see her mom and brother and everyone at church, but at the same time, I just dont know what ot expect, I don't know what I'm going to take from it. And at the same time I would feel so guilty of going to church with my ex. My girlfriend certainly wouldn't go to church with her ex, I don't think I should eitheir.

 

 

Ugh.

[chaos]

If you want it to work with this new girl than you have to cut contact with your ex. Unless you think you can be just friends, it's not appropriate to be in contact with her when you're with someone else. Does your new girl know you've been in contact with your ex? Does she know about the church invite? If you're hiding things from her that's a good sign you shouldn't be talking to your ex because there's obviously still feelings there. If the new girl knows about everything, is okay with it, and you don't feel like there could ever be anything more than a friendship with the ex, then I don't see the harm. But, from the sounds of it, that's probably not the case.

[FCTex]

My new girlfriend has no idea. She has a little, i told her.. But I think I'm going to just drop contact, perhaps be friends with my ex.. Maybe I don't think I'm there yet, I dont know..

 

I think I'm doing what my ex did to me. Safety net syndrome.

[Lil Punkin]

FCT...

 

If you're happy with your new g/f...why don't you invite her to church WITH you?

 

Ok maybe NOT such a good idea....

I agree with the other poster. If you're seeing someone else, it's not fair to be talking to your ex if your intentions aren't STRICTLY platonic. If your g/f told you she was talking to her ex how would it make you feel?

 

I believe you want to do the right thing here..thats clear from your post..and I think in your heart you KNOW what to do.

 

Your ex needs to back off and give you a TRUE shot at happiness. She is being selfish in wanting you to stay in limbo for her.

 

Personally if I were inyour situation..I would decline your ex'es offer. It sounds like a lose/lose situation...

 

YOU lose because you're back to square one again..and still just as confused of your ex'es intentions...and short of her begging you back (which I doubt she'll do)...it doesn't sound like less than that will change your mind.

 

Your ex loses because YOU are already emotionally involved with someone else because of HER stupidity...

 

and last..Your current g/f..the MOST innocent one here..because she has NO clue whats going on, and is under the impression you're not in contact with your ex or even THINKING of her. She's at risk of getting her heart ripped Out of her chest simply because you and your ex could not let a dead dog lie.

So....if you go...no one wins. Thats my input.

[FCTex]

I agree with you on that much..

 

I know deep down, that I really like my new girlfriend. I honestly, without sounding weird, so something with her, and have the best time ever with her.

 

My ex, was my first love, and as hard as it is, to fight for 2-3 months for something you really wanted back, only to be able to HAVE it and not WANT IT, makes it confusing to say the least.

 

I've since dropped contact with my ex. I've gone back to NC, as much as I can, without her breaking it once in a while. I didn't go to church last week to see her ethier.

 

All in all, I think that I know I need to tell my ex to back off.. and I need to continue with my life, just this time knowing I've done nothing wrong, and that she's learning her lesson to use in life, to never let go of the one you really love.

[Jasmine]

Someone very, very wise once told me that 'the advice you would give to someone is usually the very advice you need to take yourself'.

 

It's changed the way I see things ever since.