how do i deal with infidelity?

[Dreams]

Hi. I really need advice on how to deal with infidelity. I found out my fiance cheated on me last week whilst on a business trip. I found a girl's t-shirt in his suitcase and eventually confronted him - after initial denials and lies, he admitted he'd 'kissed' somebody else. It turned out that in fact he'd gone back to his hotel room with her where they fooled around and fell asleep. I don't know whether or not to believe this, my head tells me not to, though somehow I do anyway. I am completely devasted though and don't know how to deal with this nightmare and what to do now. I love him so much and feel so betrayed. All our plans are now shattered and I have no idea how to proceed. If I were outside of this situation I would advise to leave him straight away, but since it's happening to me, I am finding it so so difficult to make that decision. In fact I want to stay with him but I just don't know how to get over this. He has said all the right things, says he is devasted with what he has done and doesn't know why he did it. Can relationships survive after this? Will he do it again? Help. I'm so sad.

[vulnerable]

I can completely relate to you, so my only advice is to follow your intuitions and remember that once a cheater always a cheater. Not that I am saying he did, assuming that he did, there's a great chance that he will do it again. I have been there and still going through it and this big part of me wants to stay with him. I just wrote what I have done today, after no contact for just a few days, I gave up and phoned him telling him how much I miss him. NO! Please don't make the same mistake I did. Give it sometime, this is easy for me to say when this is what I should have done from the beginning. I was weak and while you are strong, don't let it get to a point where you will regret staying with him only to find out worst things. If it is meant to be, it will be no matter what happens. Don't let the turmoil ruined you as I did it to my self. I wish I was strong enough to walk away then I wouldn't be where I am at now. I wouldn't be this miserable, so when you know deep down inside there is something wrong,,, be strong to walk away now or it will just get worse… time will heal every thing…

[Dreams]

thanks for your advice. The thing is that I consider it cheating whether they actually had sex or not. The point is he was with another girl in his hotel room. It's cheating. I cheated on somebody once but I didn't do it again, so I'm inclined to disbelieve 'once a cheater'... then again maybe that's just because I'm too scared to think of my perfect boy as a cheater. And he really was my perfect boy, the man I wanted to marry. We're going for counselling tomorrow, that's the only thing that's keeping me sane. He says he'll do anything to make up for the huge mistake that he made - that's what he considers it - a huge mistake, but no reflection on me. I don't know what to make of that either. How can I not take it personally? I feel so rejected and humiliated, and feel so vulnerable. I am a strong practical person but this has made me compromise all the principles I have held until now - that I would never ever put up with infidelity. I hate him and I love him and I am so confused. Thanks for listening as I have nobody else to talk to - I am too ashamed to tell anyone about my 'fiance'....

[gardenrobots]

Awww...You need not be ashamed. He is the one who cheated, not you.

 

Perhaps, you and he should sit down and try to talk things out since you've already made plans to get married. I, too, disbelieve "once a cheater, always a cheater". People cheat for many, many reasons, although it's really unexcusable. I know that it's hard to trust someone who has betrayed you, so it's not going to be easy for you to trust him again. When you talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel, and then take his reaction into thought. If he reacts defensively or angrily, he's probably not someone whom you'd like to spend your life with.

 

I hope everything works out for the best.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I don't believe the 'once a cheater' thing either. I have at least one friend who cheated on girlfriends previously, but once he was married, never again.

 

If you want to save the relationship, first realize that there is nothing wrong with that, no matter what others who are not in your shoes may say.

 

I have been where you are...my bf of over a year cheated on me early on in the relationship...it was hard to overcome. It definitely took a while.

 

Both parties have to work...the cheater and she who was cheated on. Basically, what he has to do is understand your anger and insecurity and accept both as the fruit of his actions. He also has to understand and accept that he just gave up all his privacy. Do not be afraid to ask him for whatever it is that will help you feel secure again in the relationship.

 

The thing you have to do is try to forgive him, have patience with yourself, feel all the feelings and don't hesitate to ask for his support to help you get through. Know that the process of healing will take a while and you shouldn't marry until you are sure you're pretty much over it.

 

Follow your instincts.

[Marinicaj]

I cheated once on my bf and there is nothing more that I regret, I was with him for 5 years and I kissed another guy.. I told him the truth cause I wasn't able to keep this from him. We are still together and things are still kinda edgy at times, but I do believe that we will work it out. so for the phrase "once a cheater always I cheater" I don't believe it. Cause I know that I would NEVER do that again. If your bf truly regrets what he did. I say give him a chance, I think everyone deserves a chance.people make mistakes.. you will have trust issues with him, and make sure he understands that. in time, things will get better... Try to work things out..

Nina

[Dreams]

Thanks all of you. I was feeling very low and now feel a bit more confident and better about things. I am sure that in 10 minutes I'll go back to feeling furious, but I certainly appreciate the positivity. Thanks for being there too.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Thanks all of you. I was feeling very low and now feel a bit more confident and better about things. I am sure that in 10 minutes I'll go back to feeling furious, but I certainly appreciate the positivity. Thanks for being there too.

 

Girlfriend, there's defnitely nothing wrong with being furious. Just make sure you're furious with the one who deserves it. hugs!

[djedix]

oops i just knocked over a glass of water.... that's a mistake.

 

oops i just ran into the car behind me.... that's a mistake.

 

oops i just had sex with another girl when i'm in a commited relationship.....

 

just a little mistake?

[Jetta]

You know you need to leave him. If he can cheat on you before marriage he certainly will during. And it's better to get out now before you have children that are affected by his behavior.

[frail]

If I were to ask you what were the top 3 things that are most important in a relationship, what would you say? I would think that loyalty would be one of them. Loyalty. Synonyms of loyalty are as fallows: reliability, dependability, devotion, and trustworthiness. Serious serious words here. I'm surprised so many people insist on blowing it off and thinking that a relationship can survive without it. You can try and work it out. But do you think you'll be able to completely drop it? We may forgive, we may think we have forgiven. We don't forget. You will be increasingly more suspicious, and more jealous. The relationship will fall apart. And what sucks is that HE will blame YOU for it because of how you'll start to react to and/or accuse him for things that really aren't a big deal, or things he didn't do. And he'd be right! Even though it's unfair because his unfaithfulness caused you to be that way.

 

Either that or he'll do it again. If you let him walk all over you now… he will continue to. It's amazing that the people who think you know like the back of your hand, you don't really know at all. Sometimes you can't trust people. Even the ones you love. Make the right choice for you. And if you decide to stick with him, then I hope you prove me wrong. Take care.

 

Btw. I don't believe people who say NEVER. You can't guaranty the future.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

The world 'always' is almost as big a mistake as the word 'never'. Once a cheater, not necessarily always a cheater...it depends on the person.

 

I disagree a bit...I think that if she wants to work it out, the capability is there. It sounds like she does want to work it out, but that will have to be up to her. I've been in her shoes and we've worked it out. I won't say that there haven't been bumps in the road, but I deemed the relationship and the person worthy of dealing with those bumps. She'll have to decide if her relationship and partner are worthy of her dealing with the bumps.

[sxysashahyahoo.com]

The first thing you might want to do is take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship. It seems as if he has hidden issues of insecurity and needs to deal with them before you get married. Also, trust is a big issue and if you did not find the t-shirt, would he have told you the truth before your wedding? Do you deserve this behavior? The decision is ultimately yours.

Good luck.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

here is a link to a very good group for people grappling with their partner's infidelity...

 

link removed

[Dissed]

No one seems to mention the fact that if he had a t-shirt in his suitcase kind of suggests that clothes were being taken off.

Cheating is cheating whether they had sex or just kissed.

I don't know how long you have been together but i think once this has happened it changes your relationship forever.

I've had counselling, didn't do anything for me but were all different.

I think you would be better off without him, you don't want to spend all your life with someone you can never completely trust.

I hate it when the word "mistake" is used, a mistake is an accident & 2 people being intimate is not an accident.

If you truly believe you can forgive him that will give you a chance but as someone else said you will never forget.

I hope you make the right decision for YOURSELF.

I wish you well good luck.

[Dreams]

Thanks for all the input you guys. I am inclined to agree with all of you. "never' and 'always' are such misleading terms. How do you ever know anything for sure or anyone?? I'm still so confused. We went to see a counsellor and even that hasn't made my decisions easier or my thoughts/feelings clearer. All I do know is that I love him so much and want things to work out. I want to be able to work things through, to at least try. If I can't get over it, at least I'll know I tried. Breaking up in doubt is the worst. Plus which it's near impossible to end a 5 year relationship that was heading towards marriage if I'm not 100% sure that I want to end it. Ohh!! people are so bad to each other! Why do we do this to ourselves?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Thanks for all the input you guys. I am inclined to agree with all of you. "never' and 'always' are such misleading terms. How do you ever know anything for sure or anyone?? I'm still so confused. We went to see a counsellor and even that hasn't made my decisions easier or my thoughts/feelings clearer. All I do know is that I love him so much and want things to work out. I want to be able to work things through, to at least try. If I can't get over it, at least I'll know I tried. Breaking up in doubt is the worst. Plus which it's near impossible to end a 5 year relationship that was heading towards marriage if I'm not 100% sure that I want to end it. Ohh!! people are so bad to each other! Why do we do this to ourselves?

 

Usually because selfishness rules the day until consequences rear their ugly heads. Seriously, check out that link to that group that I posted. It is a great place to talk with others who've been through what you're going through, some who've stayed with their partners, some who haven't. It helped me a lot. Hope it will help you.

[ImissBry]

While it is important for you to know that he won't do it again (which only he really knows) what's also important is: can you let it go? I mean, if you want to try to mend the relationship and plan to spend the rest of your life with this man, can you do it without constantly doubting his faithfullness? If you don't think you'll be able to let go of past indiscrections your relationship will never work. It will effect your marriage if you have to constantly worry that he may be looking elsewhere for the physical aspect. You can't have a lifelong relationship if you can't fully trust the person you're with.

[GuyNeedsHelp]

I cheated on my girlfriend, I'm seeing a counselor to get some help.

 

You have to love your self before you can love somebody else. I've been feeling so empty inside for such a long time that I didn't see clearly. What I think I was seeing was just an image. My girlfriend has not forgiven me and I don't expect her to anytime soon, but, we have been talking and were going to get some help. She told me about a book called "In the mean time". She read a paragraph to me last night over the phone and it really hit home. I'm seeing the counselor for many reasons, but most of is to get that empty feeling out of and start living a new life.

 

Well, I do believe things can be worked out if you think your partner is and relationship are worthy of it. I don't believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" I'm 37 and have never cheated.

 

Good Luck.

[feelingblue]

I totally can relate. My husband recently got wasted at a Bachelor Party in Vegas and kissed another woman. They then exchanged emails and phone numbers. He told me about it the night he got back that it was just kissing (and maybe a little rubbing --whatever that means but clothes were definitely on). I feel betrayed and so sad. It's one thing for a drunken mistake (not that I am conding it) but another story to keep in touch. And claim she is the only person he can talk to about this b/c I am too angry with him and he finds her friendship to help him through this right now.

[novaseeker]

I think you should try to see if you can work things out a bit in counseling.

 

I definitely do not agree that once someone cheats, BLAM, that's it, end of relationship. People do make mistakes. People can change their behavior. What it takes is willingness to change and work.

 

The key question is: do you want to work on this, is he willing to work on it, can you get past this and have a relationship moving forward, or not. Only you can answer those questions. Counseling may help. I would suggest that because it seems silly to throw away a 5 year relationship in a huff (and I know what it feels like to be cheated on and in the immediate aftermath, because it happened to me when I was married, and I know what it's like, but still, you have to give yourself the space and time to think about things and not act in impulse when you have 5 years at play here....

[quovadimus]

dear dreams:

 

I am going through the exact same thing, with the exception that I am already married to him. Same thing. He calls it a big mistake, doesn't know why he did it, tells me he is willing to do what it takes to get trust back. Obviously regrets what he has done. Counselling is an option. We are in counselling. Even with all the right things, there are no guarantees. I have all the right things and am still conflicted. He says, does, feels all the right things. The question is do I? And that is what will need to make your decision. It isn't what someone else thinks you should be doing. It's what you think you should be doing, and when you're in a BAD place, like feeling betrayed, it's not easy to make that decision.

 

My plan is to behave my way to success, even if I don't feel it in the moment, the day sometimes the week. Deciding whether to stay or go, can also be a process. Let it be one if you need to. If he's in a hurry to have you decide to stay or go, and you can't hurry this decision, it's obvious he's not for you. If he truly wants to fix it, he'll know he can't hurry you.

 

all my best to you.

[yeawutever]

GIRL, WHY PUT UP WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR. ANDS THATS THE MAN U GONNA MARRY, LOL, HE'LL GIVE U A CAN OF WORMS 0X . PLUS NOT ONLY DID U CHEATED BUT HE LIE, HE WASN'T HONEST AND TOLD U HIMSELF, U CAUGHT HIM AND WHEN CONFRONTED U HAD NOTHING TO SAY CUZ U HAD THE PROVE ALREADY, IMAGINE THAT, A GIRL'S SHIRT IN HIS SUITCASE. SO IF U HAD NOT CAUGHT HIM, HE'LL STILL CONTINUE DOING HIS ****. HE'S NOT SORRY CUZ HE CHEATED, HE'S ONLY SORRY CUZ HE GOT CAUGHT. GIRL CANCEL THE WEDDING AND THROW HIM TO THE CURB. I HATTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE CHEATER, IF I HAD A B/F, EITHER IF HE TOLD OR GOT CAUGHT, I WOULD STILL BREKA UP, THATS JUST BS I DON'T PUT UP WITH. 3 THINGS I DON'T PUT UP WITH 1) LYING, 2) CHEATING AND 3) ABUSE OF ANY TYPE ZERO TOLERANCE, NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING