She wants to break up, but no divorce!?

[confusedashell]

Well you probably know my story. My wife feels trapped, has commitment issues by her own admission. Feels like she has to report to me and so on. But anyway, she ended this but when I say "ok, we'll sort out the divorce papers this week" she goes all quite and just says no. no real reason, just that she cant. Ok, I still love the woman and she seems to have it somewhere in her head that sooner or later we'll get back together, but for now doesnt want a relationship (wakey wakey woman, we have a child!).

 

should I just go ahead and sort these papers out myself? or give her sometime and see what happens???

[NJRon]

Coming as someone who went through a very protracted divorce... almost 30 months of separation... Seek Legal Advice!

 

It was very similar... didn't know what she wanted, just knew she wanted to be independent for a while and then, "perhaps" we would get back together.

 

I don't know what the law is in Sweden. In the US you can draw up legal separation paper. This details out all of the property settlement and stipulations. You don't have to get a divorce, but everything can be decided ahead of time.

 

If you have the equivalent, I would pursue that while she is still of the mind of potentially getting back together. If you wait, and she comes back in a year saying she wants a divorce... well... you could potentially have some serious issues.

 

definitely get legal advice now.

 

Best Wishes

[TiredMan]

I think she might need therapy to clear her head because she is giving you mixed signals. Were her parents divorced or something and that is why should gets all weird about the word?

[Cecelius]

I think that something you CAN be clear on is that her decision to find herself or whatever shouldn't be on your nickel.

[Shadows Light]

Seek legal counsel. A separation may do you both a bit of good. However, as another poster said... not on your nickel.

 

How old is your child???? and what have you decided to do about the child???? who will be the be the legal guardian... and how will you handle visitations??? how will you support the child??? How will you tell the child??? and WHAT do you tell the child????

 

Think about the kid first... I know there are reasons people get "Divorced" or "Separated"... if its not right for one person... its not right for both. And no one should be unhappy. And if there are children in the mix... it makes it sooo much more difficult..because kids love their mom's and dads'.... no matter how they are. They don't have a field of experience that tells them other than.... Mommy's and Daddy's are there to love me and to love. Too often in these "D" battles or when there is a crack in the relationship...its the kids who suffer the most. They become and after thought to... ME ME ME ME ME ME...........

 

Sooooooooooooo... seek legal advice..and give GREAT GREAT thought and consideration of how you two will PARENT. It can be done. You might have not made it as a couple...but you still CAN be GREAT parents.

 

Good-luck.

[BellaDonna]

should I just go ahead and sort these papers out myself? or give her sometime and see what happens???

 

My mother is doing the same thign to my father right now. She's basically cheating on him daily, and my dad moved to another state- so my mother is living like she's divorced but does not want to actually go through with the paperwork. (that's a whole other mess)

 

As a result my father got a lawyer and he is going to serve her with the papers.

 

It seems that when these things happen, it's probably due to 2 reasons:

 

1.) Financial- she doesn't want to be bothered with the cost of the divorce.

 

2.) Selfish Disregard- People want to have their cake and eat it too. That is, live like they're divorced but not go through with it legally- so they can have you waiting on the back burner if their world comes caving in on them. I think that is really selfish. It leaves false hope and also reveals that you are deemed good enough for a "back-up" plan but you're not a priority. At least that's the way I interpert what my mother is doing to my father.

 

I wouldn't wait around if I were you,

 

 

BellaDonna

[confusedashell]

Thanks for the tips!

 

Well there isnt any financial cost to our divorce. It would be fast and cheap, thats why its this confusing. I asked her right out why she wants to finish but not get a divorce and this is the messed up answer I got:

 

"its so final..I dont know, its too final and too much to deal with. If I want a relationship in the future, i want it to be with you so having a divorce just makes it messy"

 

Nice girl this!

[annie24]

"its so final..I dont know, its too final and too much to deal with. If I want a relationship in the future, i want it to be with you so having a divorce just makes it messy"

 

Yeah.... I don't like it when people treat you like their "backup plan." That's really really selfish.

 

I hope you two work out a parenting schedule. Best of luck!

[BellaDonna]

"its so final..I dont know, its too final and too much to deal with. If I want a relationship in the future, i want it to be with you so having a divorce just makes it messy"

 

Wow- your head must be SPINNING. But again, it does seem like it fits the "back-up plan" theory.....

 

I guess you have to decide if that's something you can stand, and if you're willing to wait around. There's no guarentee she'll ever change her mind. I think that's enough to drive a person crazy, wondering like that. She sounds very confused.

 

Maybe if you got the paperwork going it would make her come to some kind of realization- that she's losing you, and she BETTER be sure this is what she wants.

 

 

BellaDonna

[confusedashell]

Since we're both from different countries and I will move home soon this isnt a break up in the normal sense. This is a real break up. It's not like we live down the street from one another and see eachother every single day so its no big deal with the children. It's a real serious matter. I offered her to give her space until xmas and see shes what she wants. She doesnt want that. Maybe I'm making excuses for her but I in someways understand her. We had a child when we were 23, been together since we are 21 and I've had a few times where I felt like I should get out and do something. Questioned if I loved her and wanted to be in this relationship for the right reasons, questioned how we were going and all that. Although those periods are maybe twice in the whole time we've been together and usually as a reult of a lot of stress, pressure and worry. I guess the feeling of being trapped is normal. But I cant sit here feeling like we will get back together because that will drive me insane. Besides the fact that if she does find someone, sooner or later that will happen, I'll end up going through all this again. I need some closure and to move on.

 

of course because we have a family together and I do still love her, I feel like I cant just give up on it. Like if I do then I give up on our family and our sons chance at a "normal" family. I asked her straight out if what she was saying was to spare my feelings and she said no, that that is how she feels. I guess that is how she feels now, she wants to have her own life and get a relationship later. Fair enough, but she cant make any promises and she cant predict the future, so why even bother to say that?

 

She begins some pretty serious studies now which will take up a HELL of a lot of her time. Coping with a part time job and child in the mix isnt going to help. I am moving home and we will bounce our son around for the next 9 months until which time she will move to the UK (with a lot of resistance i think). When we meet up we will act like bf/gf. I know thats what will happen. She went to a friends house warming party tonight. Before she leaves she comes up and kisses me on the lips. Like normal. Yes, my head is in about a million pieces now.

 

She has taken a 180 with herself lately. The last few months. She was the one that commented on it and I started to notice it a little more then. Honestly the whole break up thing is amazingly funny, confusing and stupid: amonth ago: One day we're totally fine. Planning for the time when she starts her new studies and all that. Totally as usual. She has been having a few problems lately with stress and all that and tells me one night she wants to go to her fathers empty apartment for a few days or a week. I was a little irritated with that because of somethings and I said something like "go, I wont be here when you get back". I didnt actually think she was serious about it and lashed out because it seemed to be her way of telling me I was being a jerk. A few weeks later, like three, she says she wants to take a break for the month. I said take a year if you want. Thats not going tpo help anything, we need to talk things out instead.- She freaked out saying a year was WAY too long. then later she started to mention a year and I said a yeah was too long and would cause so many problems for us finacially and with our son. So then the day came and she went for the break up. She says I basically talked her into this. That I should have kept my mouth shut hah. She sent me a mail from her job a few days before she dropped all this on me telling me how much she loved me and how great it is that we're together. then bam!

[NJRon]

Obviously, I can't say I have been through the exact situations... but I do remember that I got in a fight with my ex and was about to call it off and she said, "I won't let you go that easy... I love you and I'm gonna work hard to make this happen." ... next week she says she wants a separation. It told her I contacted an attorney... she looks at me in utter disbelief and says, "Fine, I guess it's over then."

 

She left me and, though we had some communication, it petered off. I never pressured her... just gave her space. We had verbally agreed to a number of things. We were in total agreement until the 18 month required separation time for a "no fault" divorce here in Jersey.

 

Then, she cam after me for 50% of everything.. and not just everything that we had while we were together, but everything *I* had gained after our separation... because the government looks upon us as having still been married (even though we were separated) since there was no filed document.

 

Luckily we had no children... I would hate to be in your position. But even without children, what I went through was entirely unnecessary and she ended up getting less than I had offered freely. Do yourself a favor. Consult a Legal advisor. Get the appropriate documents and move forward as if this were a real deal.. whether a 'legal separation' if offered, or a 'divorce' if that's your only recourse.

 

If she's so undecided, then tell her that, after the divorce, which *you* need to get peace of mind, that you can talk at some later date about reconciling and remarrying. It *is* final. Your relationship is now over... period... finito. The only future options are to never have a relationship again (beyond a cooperative co-parent arrangement) or a *new* relationship.

 

Sorry to type such a long response, I just know that I *knew* I should have done this when I separated, but gave her the benefit of the doubt because "we loved each othe runconditionally even if we couldn't have a relationship". It backfired... I'm not bitter at all about it. But, I did learn a valuable lesson.

 

Where children are involved, you need to be *responsible* and do what's right... looking after your own and your child's best interests... not what you think will save your relationship with your wife while she experiences wunderlust.

 

Whatever happens... if you protect yourself and your child, you will know that you did the right thing. If she wants to come back, demand couples counselling as a requirement. If she doesn't, then you have shown that you have the strength to move on without her and your child will see your strength and be all the better person for it.

 

With Respect...

[Demond34]

Well said, NJRon.

 

He's right, do whats best for you and your child, at the same time it'll give her space and clarity of the situation unfolding. She said its so final, then gives you a kiss. Of course she still has feelings for you and they will show thru, especially in the confused state of mind shes in. It seems she doesn't know if shes coming or going. ONe day HOT, one day cold. When you want to talk and work it out, she has no time and doesn't want to deal with it, when you mention the divorce or tell her not to come over or call, she calls or comes over.

 

I'll use the shadow analogy again. Women are like shadows, when you chase them, they disappear, when you walk away, they follow. Especially the way shes been thinking of as of late. Its definitely to early to try and make it work. You'll be thinking of all the things she has said the past month and wonder why and have that doubt if its going to happen again.

 

Heal first and show your son a strong man and do whats best for him.

[confusedashell]

Thanks for sharing your story! Luckily the big financial side of things is something that wont be worried about. We dont have anything like that "together" since we are both pretty young. If we had, I'd be very scared!hah.

 

I want to get this divorce sorted myself. I am leaving soon enough with my son and she comes to the Uk four weeks after that. I plan to have the papers printed and signed and when she comes I will give them to her to sort out. For me its final. If she wants out, then its ALL the way out. No foot in the door just incase nothing better comes along. I've bent over backwards to try and accomdate her and her need for a life on her own for awhile. Nothing seems good enough, so in the end she wants out. Fine. Thats what you'll get.

 

I'm not under any illusions, once its totally over - its over. I dont buy any of that crap she feeds me about getting back together. The chance of that is far less than the chance of her meeting someone "new and exciting" where that spark that she so longs is there in abundance. Once thats gone, she'll be back where she started

[confusedashell]

Desmond, sound advice mate. My friend called me and when I was telling him the story he asked would I take her back if she came home now and said it. Well I wouldnt. Theres some things she said that nailed the coffin shut for me. at least until I am able to get distance from this whole thing. He asked if in a year I'd take her back. I really dont know if I could. I love her, really do love her and do want to be with her but if she has used all this as an excuse to sleep around, party and check out the singles scene then I dont think I could take that kind of disrespect. Shed have to do a lot of convincing.

 

I told her she better make certain this is what she wants and that this is something she will not later regret. She said she wont regret it. Fine by me. Stay at your fathers then. She makes excuses not to go there. If I'm lying on the sofa or in bed she comes in and lies on me. If shes in bed and I come in to the room to get something she asks me to come and lie with her. She told me today that she loves sex so much with me she has to have it all the time. Kissing all the time. The hugs are NOT friendly hugs. You dont hug someone around their neck and kiss their neck when thats the way it is. Hell, I'm taller than her, she has to reach way up. But she says this is over and she wont change her mind. Fine.

[NJRon]

Well confusedashell you don't sound so confused after all I wish I had been as mature as you when I was getting married in the first place (right about your age)

 

I'm very happy to hear that you stayed where you are and that you have custody of your son. You may run accross some difficulties moving yourself and your son out of Sweden to the UK (I don't know what the child custody laws are there)... but then again, I'm just comparing to the U.S., which is entirely messed up when it comes to how marriages are treated.

 

While you don't have assets now.. you never know what may happen in the future. Not to mention Child Support.

 

Of course I don't know your *exact* circumstances, but her wanting sex with you so much sounds like she is trying to keep you around... hook you... the old (stereotype) 'Men use love to get sex, Women use sex to get love'.

 

When a woman (or man, not to be sexist) needs "space" to become independent and self-supporting whle not wishing to lose their "soul mate", that's one thing... when they need "space" because they want to sow their wild oats... well... that's just the lamest excuse for wanting out of a marriage, especially when there's a child involved, I have ever heard.

 

By the way... gonna impress one last time (promise it's the last time)... I hear you say that you are going to seek divorce in the UK and get the papers there. Do yourself a favor and consult Legal counsel now in Sweden and call a Barrister (or whatever the heck you call them over there... Lawyer, Solicitor, Money Pit? ) in the UK to find out the best locale to conduct the process. By what you are saying you are on the right track, but you owe it to yourself and your son to make sure you are doing whatever you need to do to protect both of you. Regardless of the money it may cost now, the peace of mind to make sure you have your bases covered (Baseball reference... don't know what they use in Cricket... do they say "keep your sticks covered"?) will be well worth it.

 

Anyway... enough of the podium... I look forward to hearing how everything goes and wish you and your son the best.

[confusedashell]

You are absolutly right on all counts! My choice to get the papers are kind like a "do or die" thing. She'll see that I'm not willing to be kept "on hold". In all honesty, like you said, it all depends on why she wants to have her alone time. If its alone time to sort herself out and in the end give us a stronger relationship, thats one thing. But if its just an excuse to sleep around while keeping me at the sideline "just incase" then thats not ok and really insulting to me! I dont understand how you can tell someone: "I dont want to be together, I love you but I'm not IN love with you" and then say "if i want a relationship later, I want it with you". Both things say the opposite of eachother. I do believe her that she wants time on her own. It's always come up with us that she wished she had time to live alone and do her own thing. She's mentioned it over the years.

 

If I tell her I think this is about her just wanting to be able to party and sleep around she goes beserk. Says something to the effect of "is that how you see me?? is that what you think this is about??". well, ok. I have to take her word for it. But the chances of her and me getting back together are slim to none. Its a far more likely senario that she finds someone and something "new and exciting" than going back to the framiliar which had problems of its own (nothing big, typical family things). I dont think my male ego could accept my wife, err..ex wife, moving on to someone new!

 

The problem is, we both made a deal awhile ago and renewed it that wed never have children with another person because we both feel that we dont want our son to have half brothers and sisters. That will be problematic in the future for us both if we dont get back together because in our age most people will want to have kids already. Its all a real messed up situation.

[DN]

The deal is bogus - how can you commit to something like that? It means that if you want to find another partner then you have to find someone willing to forgo having children of her own. And it would be a good thing for your son to have siblings - half or otherwise.

 

File for divorce, figure out how to co-parent your child, and find someone who understands what a relationship is about and who takes her marriage vows seriously.

[confusedashell]

one of her gripes about me now is that I do want another child and she doesnt, ever. She made a conscious decision to put career before another child. She doesnt want to go through all that again. In a lot of ways, she just hasnt matured at all. in fact I feel like she has mentally regressed in so many ways. Its fustrating. She has tunnel vision on her studies and career. Nothing else seems to be of any relavance. Including her marriage. I dont ever expect someone to stay together just for the sake of a child. But I do expect that you fight tooth and nail to save a marriage when a child is involved. Esp since in our situation our child will be bounced around from one country to the next every month for the next 9 months.

[RayKay]

I have half-siblings, and I can say I hardly see them as a "detriment" in the least bit. Thats a very odd thing to promise to, almost like you did not foresee the consequences. Easy for her to promise to if she does not even want another "full" child anyway. Less fair for you who wants children in the future.

 

One of my friends is in a similar situation but reversed - she wants another, he does not.

 

She sounds simply immature when it comes to marriage, and the responsibilities in her life right now, yet she expects you to sit around and wait while she "discovers" herself again....in marriage you work together, and seperation is a LAST resort.

 

You two simply sound like you have different goals, and definitely commitment to this relationship. File the papers, you no longer need both people to agree to file for divorce, and I really recommend you do not allow her to string you along for months on end either. Do not be her "safety net". Everything she is telling you, I can say others have heard too...that whole "if I want a relationship later, I would love it to be you blah blah" is all crap. Seriously. Don't fall for it.

 

Yes, when a child is involved things are different. So you be the responsible one, ensure that child is cared for, and not the victim of a yo-yo relationship between you and his mother. Two parents miserable and in a crappy relationship is NOT better than two parents apart and hopefully happily building their lives again.

[DN]

You can't control what she does (or why she does it). But you can control what you do.

 

Time to take charge of your life and make decisions in the best interests of your child and yourself.

 

By acting as she has, she has given up the right to expect you to put her best interests before yours.

[confusedashell]

By acting as she has, she has given up the right to expect you to put her best interests before yours.

 

Thank You! That makes me feel a HELL of a lot better for just walking away. I tired, I compromised, I talked, almost pleaded but nothing is making her budge. I wanted to be able to walk away from this KNOWING I tired to fix it. Knowing there was nothing more I could have done. I'm NOT saying I was a saint in this marriage, we both messed up at times, but when the chips were down - I wanted to fix those problems. None of which were not fixable, easily.

 

Yes, I'm slowing coming to realise all what she is saying is either a way for her to make an exit without looking too heartless or a way to keep me on the back burner for awhile. Guess in my state, I was clinging to some hope we'd just sort this out and everything would be fine. Thats just not going to happen. I feel really hurt and disrespected with the way she is just playing with my head the last few days. Shes gone out again tonight. thats about the fourth time her and her friend have went out in the last week. Work or no work the next day. Thin that speaks volumes. When shes here she just wants to sleep. But she refuses to go to her fathers empty apartment.

[confusedashell]

Does anyone else find it very inconsiderate that she is gone out again tonight? I brought it up today that since this has happened shes gone out more than shes stayed in. Just wont even talk much about what we will do with our son!? And when I do she gets insane. Sorry, I just think its utterly bad manners when we have unfinished business to attend to and totally incosiderate of how I feel now. Had the shoe been on the other foot I would have treated her with the respect that a person Id shared my life with for six years and have a child with deserves! I'd make it clear we are finished (divorce, no sex, no cuddling, no kissing, no i love yous, no asking her to hold me in bed) but I'd realise that she was in a country where she doesnt have many friends, that she had been sitting alone here while I was on vacation and Id realise how upset she was and I'd be there, around her so she wouldnt feel completely alone! Shes out spending all our last money, having a total great time.

 

Am I being unreasonable??

[DN]

Not unreasonable - unrealistic. She has already demonstrated that she doesn't care about you right now and wants to do her own thing. Why would she suddenly start acting different?

[confusedashell]

Its vry hard for me to understand how she changed her attitiudes on so many things in the last few months and went from what she was to what she is. of course, I mention it and she says I'm controlling or getting angry for her having fun. so I say nothing. I'm starting to believe that love is just an excuse for one person to treat another person like garbage and get away with it.

[confusedashell]

Trying to be the "good guy" in all this too since I dont want things all to go to hell with us later because of our son. Right now, I'm finding it VERY difficult to keep my cool and not show how hurt I am by her behaviour towards me since I'm afraid it could just lead to a lot of trouble later. Damnit, this is not easy