She wants to break up, but no divorce!?

[confusedashell]

its 5:30am now...My "wife" called me twice since she went out yesterday at 16:00. She is DRUNK as hell, which is the norm rather than anything else the last few weeks.well first call she called for some stupid reason to ask me if it was ok for me that she go to a bar i work. so i wouldget look stupid because she was so drunk. I toldher, its your life, do whatever you want, we're not even married. she made some odd remark like "we're not?" and could hear her bumming a smoke from someone and saying "im talking to my husband". the second call was now, woke me up, even more drunk, asking me if it was ok that she go to her "friends" place for awhile before she comes home. Ends the call with "I love you".

 

Whatever I might have done to her, if I treated her real badly (I didnt), I dont deserve this. Nobody does! I'm like a second away from smashing something to pieces! I cant believe someone would do all the crap shes doing to me and not think twice about it.

[confusedashell]

I start to hate this woman...calls me again..almost 40mins later to ask f its still ok with me that she go to her friends place and drink. "Why the hell are you aksing me!? we're not together, we're not married..live your own life" then she says "yeah buts its you, of course I want to ask" "whh XXXX we're not even together anymore" and then she says "yeah, you say that now because you're sour at me for nt coming home" WTF! "no, I say that because thats what youve been telling me for the last two weeks".

 

Why the hel is she doing this?

[DN]

Ask her - there is something going on here.

[confusedashell]

she called again this morning to tell me she was getting the bus and coming home. I dont understand though and its starting to irritate me. One of the reasons she says she doesnt want a relationship is because she feels trapped and has to "report" her moves to someone. Well I dont expect and never did expect that from her, but even when I tell her its not my concern she still does it.

 

I wont bother to bring it up. I think to her it is nothing. She doesnt see it as anything except calling me to say it. Theres nothing deeper or whatever in it for her.

 

Trying to figure out how to act around her is difficult. I'm trying to act like this is over but not trying to act like I'm indifferent to the whole thing or trying to act like I'm upset. I dont want it to be too werid with us because we do have to have so much contact.

[DN]

What are the other reasons why she doesn't want a relationship?

 

When she goes out are you ar home with your son?

[confusedashell]

When she goes out are you ar home with your son?

 

Usually, yes. But right now he is away on a small vacation with his grandmother and will not be back before Monday. He's been gone for ten days. But usually, either my son is here with me or else at one of his grandparents.

 

What are the other reasons why she doesn't want a relationship?

 

1. She "loves me but is not IN love with me". She was two weeks ago. Not anymore.

2. Feels trapped in relationships

3. Wants to focus on her studies

4. Has always felt like this. Was like this before and durning the time we were together - that she needed to live alone at some point

5. Doesnt want to feel like she has to report to anyone

6. Doesnt want to worry about something she says/does or doesnt do upsetting someone else.

 

thats the main reasons. there are a whole bunch of others. I tired, nothing works.

[DN]

Two possible reasons for her behaviour in stringing you along:

 

1. she actually does not want to divorce or lose you but is conflicted about the relationship.

 

2. She wants the freedom of being single but also wants you to stick around in Sweden so she doesn't have to have the responsibility of being a single Mom for the times when you son is with her - you are a built in babysitter.

[confusedashell]

Two possible reasons for her behaviour in stringing you along:

 

2. She wants the freedom of being single but also wants you to stick around in Sweden so she doesn't have to have the responsibility of being a single Mom for the times when you son is with her - you are a built in babysitter.

 

The thing is: she knows that I will go home as fast as my son gets back. So in that end shes screwed. She has to also move to the UK for the start of next summer and move her studies there so she ends up in a far worse position.

[confusedashell]

now she started to cry like hell because she has been so messed up the last 6-8 weeks. she feels really down, depresses, messed up..she seems to see herself how her behaviour has become irratic and her going out is a little out of control. I'm trying to be nice..but not husband nice

[DN]

What did she actually say? And how much of it was about how she is treating you compared to how she feels about her?

[confusedashell]

What did she actually say? And how much of it was about how she is treating you compared to how she feels about her?

 

Shes just talking about how she feels so lonely, insecure, not herself. About going out and drinking so much lately (makes her sound like she has a problem but its not that..she used be a once a month person, now its like once or twice a week). How she is tempermental and so on. And there wasnt a single thing about how she is treating me. She feels like the grounding she used to have has been taken away from her. She used be so calm and grounded and she doesnt feel like that anymore

 

As usual - its all about her.

[confusedashell]

I suggested she should go and talk to someone, but she doesnt feel its necessary. At some point I just have the feeling there is something she wants to say but doesnt have the bottle to say it. This was what happened a few night ago too when she called me about four times in 20mins and the final call was just her crying without saying anything really.

[DN]

This is a crude way of putting it - but essentially you should tell her to put up or shut up.

 

Either she works on the relationship like a mature adult who loves you or she should stop complaining, stop being so self absorbed and live with the consequences of her actions.

 

If she has problems then get them fixed - with help if necessary. Or stop whining.

 

Tell her you are tired of her behaviour, that you either want a proper marriage or a divorce. She can choose which but nothing other than those two choices.

[confusedashell]

I dont know what she wants from me. She seems pretty adament she does not want us to be together. The whole "love you with all my heart but now IN love with you" excuse seems to have nailed the coffin shut for me. I guess I'm trying to keep thing as civil as possible but I dont appreciate any of this. When this comes up again, I will say it like you suggested. Thank You!

[NJRon]

Read this whole thread again stopping at the *your* response where you say something to the effect of 'thanks, that makes me fell a hell of a lot better'.

 

Since then, you have been allowing yourself to get sucked back into her. She felt controlled, for whatever reason, and now she is controlling you. She is controlling your emotions. She is asking for permission because she has told you that she hates asking for permissions, yet she also knows what she is doing is wrong. So... if you say ok... she knows she's still pissing you off and if you say 'no' then she gets to be angry at you. Win-win for her.

 

Try to stop allowing yourself to get sucked back into it. When she calls and asks for permission on something, just tell her 'Do what you think is right." that's it. It puts the onus back on her to make her own decision... which is what independence is really about, but she's messed up right now and thinks independence is being irresponsible and defying *you*. It's disrespectful and, while I understand your anger at the disrespect, there is absolutely nothing you can do to control her actions.

 

The whole situation sounds like 'Walk away wife' syndrome... look it up online with that phrase (btw... you can also find it by searching on "help my wife has been replaced by an alien")

 

She will contradict herself so many times right now that it is absolutely useless to try and use logic. You will fail every time and just make yourself angrier.

 

Do yourself a favor... go back and read the first part of this thread like I said above... vent all you want, but don't expect any answers... do your legal work and control *your* actions... it's all you have right now. Don't allow her to mind-**** you and give her the independence she 'wants' by making her decide what is appropriate. If she wakes you up again at 4am tell her to do what she thinks is right and that what's right for you right now is sleep... say goodnight and hang up. If she does it again, unplug the phone.

 

Pursue the divorce papers. Don't worry about her relationsip with you right now... with her actions, she doesn't deserve to be a wife, let alone a parent. Later, even if things don't work out for you two, you can at least work on a healthy co-parenting relationship. When she says she loves you, say 'thanks' or 'I know'... and that's it... And finally, don't have any physical relations with her at all.. none.

 

Apologies for being so vehement.. but frankly, your situation is ridiculous and highly toxic and you need to act rapidly to set up appropriate boundaries and stick to them to protect yourself and your son. You may think of seeing if your son can stay longer away while you work on the papers.

 

Best wishes...

[Demond34]

Here is an article from askmen. com, that could be of some interest to you confusedashell. I'll paste it here for ya. IT is not your situation but some of the doc's responses could be used for your situation.

 

 

 

This week's letter comes from a man who began dating a woman after recently divorcing. His new girlfriend left him because he kept hanging out with his ex's father and although she claims that she still loves him and wants him back, she has made no attempt to prove it.

 

reader's question

 

 

Hi Doc,

About a year ago, I began dating this woman whom I truly believe is my soul mate. I was going through a divorce when I began dating her and although my marriage was over, it was difficult to let my ex's family go. After all, I was with my ex-wife for 10 years and naturally became best friends with her father. This put a strain on my new relationship and, because I kept hanging out with my ex-father-in-law, she left me because she thought that I didn't really love her.

 

Now she's dating another man, but whenever I talk with her, she tells me that she's confused and still cares about me, and now realizes what I was going through when we were dating. She confessed that she wants to get married and start a family, but the man she's currently dating doesn't want any of those things.

 

She claims that this guy isn't for her and she just needs to sort things out. She says that there may be a chance for us to start over and I told her that I stopped seeing my ex's family.

 

The thing is that although she's constantly saying that there's hope, she hasn't made any moves to prove it. I think it's because I constantly tell this woman how much I love and miss her, but I know she is the one I have been searching for all my life.

 

My question is this: Should I not be telling this woman how I feel because she will remain comforted knowing that I will be there for her when she's ready? Should I stay away from her and see if she chases after me?

 

Miles -- who greatly appreciates any suggestions

 

 

doc love's answer

 

Hi Miles,

This scenario brings to mind the immortal words of Elvis Presley: "A hardheaded woman, a softhearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the world began."

 

Her excuse for leaving was lame.

 

If you had been hanging out with your ex-wife, then your girlfriend would certainly have had good reason to be troubled. But your desire to remain buddies with your ex's father shouldn't have been an issue in your relationship. He's simply another guy, a friend. So what?

 

Your "soul mate" is either incredibly insecure or was just latching on to that particular situation as a convenient excuse to dump you when her Interest Level had sunk beyond the point of no return. To you psych majors: It's a rare woman who will tell you what you actually did to lower her Interest Level.

 

The key for you, Miles, is not to get seduced by this gal's rhetoric. She says that she loves you and that she sees no future with her new guy, but guess what? The weeks and months are flying by, and she's still with him. She's playing both of you, dude. She gets an "F" in the integrity department. Or as my cousin, Fast Eddie Love, would say, "She should be selling used cars."

 

 

she speaks a different language

 

You might want to ask your true love this: "If you're 100% sure that your current beau is not the guy for you, why, for crying out loud, are you still with him?" But don't expect a legitimate answer because there is none. All you will hear from her is Womanese.

Whenever a woman tries to justify her lack of commitment with any of the following phrases, don't buy it because she's full of more BS than a fertilizer factory:

 

"I'm confused."

"I have to sort things out."

"Please be patient with me."

 

Miles, you are not handling this situation well at all. This woman knows that you'll do anything for her approval, so she can't have much respect for you. And you should not be revealing anything about your feelings because she doesn't deserve it. She has dissed you to the max and what you should be doing is moving on, studying "The System" and learning from your mistakes; not fantasizing about how this is somehow going to work out.

 

 

run, don't walk

 

So yes, you should stay away from her, completely. But when you do, be aware that she won't like the feeling of losing total control over you, so she'll probably up the ante and give you an extra big, new, juicy fix of false hope. Your test, your trial by fire, Miles, is to avoid falling for it when it comes. As far as I'm concerned, you're lucky that she got rid of you. She's about as trustworthy as a paid snitch and not someone you'd want as the mother of your children.

Oh, and one more thing. You should take your ex's family back -- they really loved you.

 

Remember guys, her words mean nothing; only her actions count.

[confusedashell]

Well I pretty much DEMANDED a divorce. Can even sort that today very easily. She is REALLY hesitant about it. saying "if you want it". No, its not what i want - its what YOU want. She says something idiotic like "I cant ever imagine feeling even the slighest for another person the way I feel for you, its you...i mean its YOU..i dont know if I can divorce you..."

 

Get a godamn GRIP!

[DN]

See a lawyer, get the papers drawn up and serve her with them. Make sure that the lawyer understands that she is deserting you and that the papers reflect that.

 

Once that happens the reality of what is happening may hit home. Remember the divorce papers can be withdrawn if appropriate.

[confusedashell]

See a lawyer, get the papers drawn up and serve her with them. Make sure that the lawyer understands that she is deserting you and that the papers reflect that.

 

Once that happens the reality of what is happening may hit home. Remember the divorce papers can be withdrawn if appropriate.

 

I've attached the forms to my email and we will go to the city to clean her fathers apartment. I'm not interested in doing that but I am interested to use his printer to print off the forms, sign them and hand them to her to sign and stick in an envelope. I've given her plently of oppturnities for "time alone", given her plently of chances to fix this, bent over backwards for her. That ends now. At least if she had treated me with some respect the last few days it might be different but her attitiude to me and the whole thing is out of control and inexcusable

[DN]

What does her father think about all this? Does he know?

[confusedashell]

She hasnt told a soul. I on the other hand, told everyone. She hasnt told anyone. I think she mentioned something small to her friend and MAYEB said something to her mother. If her mother knows, she hasnt said anything to me and is acting as usual.

 

figure this chick out, you get a million.

[DN]

She's nuts. Please send the million to the address I shall send you by pm.

[NJRon]

Yup... I think DN sums it up quite nicely. Glad you're taking control of the situation.

[confusedashell]

Nuts? Thats probably an understatement!

 

Well heres the much anticipated update:

 

I demanded the divorce like I said and she got really odd about the whole thing: "divorce?? but..but its YOU...i cant...i cant ever imagine that i will feel for another person like i do you...i cant..i need to talk to someone". in the end we were going to her fathers and i said "I will print off the forms now and we can drop them in on the way back down". Well it didnt go down well..."why do we need to get divorced?? we'll end up back together later". all that BS. I said nope, its either in or out..which is it? She knows that regardless of what happens, I'm going back to the UK for awhile with my son so she gets her space. She wants to stay together and take it "slow" (whatever that means after marriage and kids). No sleeping around (she claims this was never part of her agenda, that I was the one who came up with that sleeping around idea..go figure!).

 

Well I dont know. Its akward at best now because I feel like she just doesnt have the bottle to get a divorce and is staying around for no other reason. I dont think it'll last the next two months unless she starts to put something into it. One things for sure, the next time its over, I'll be doing the break up when I give her the divorce paper and say "sign that please".

 

Any ideas on what to do??

[DN]

Ask her what she means by 'taking it slow'. If that means she can do what she wants, when she wants, without the usual consideration for someone we are married to, then tell her that isn't a marriage it's a sham, and you would be better off divorced.

 

If it means putting the marriage back together, tell her that means working together to put the relationship on a proper basis. Not faffing about 'finding herself' or any similar mumbo-jumbo, self-serving nonsense.