She wants to break up, but no divorce!?

[phishgirl]

confused-

 

Man, I am SO sorry you have to deal with this situation. As a young woman myself (24 yrs) and having broken up with my ex, trying to reconcile, he now has doubts-I can relate to BOTH of you, which makes it kind of weird to read your post. Your wife is like me directly post-breakup. I felt controlled about who I went out with, he was suspicious and subsequently, clingy. This made me feel more suffocated ever because of my response to him and his counter-response. In my personal experience, it seems as though my female peers are at an identity/independence crisis in their lives if they've been with only one guy through their "growth" phase. That's what happened to me, and a factor in why I originally broke up with my bf, whom I still LOVE greatly; he's my heart and soul.

 

On the other hand, I'm now on your side, in a way, where my bf is dragging ME along because he's "confused" about his current life plan, etc. We're now both thereforeee our SO's (though I know you were there for her the entire time). I'm still terribly attached, as you were. Although we have no children, it was an assumed thing, and we imagined the children we would create together.

 

My outside opinion, however, is that she's simply dragging you along, as you're well aware of. Maybe she acknowledges that she has a son, and doesn't want a 'broken' family. You're obviously the primary caretaker, though, and you've never mentioned a word about her role in raising him!

 

You seem like a family-oriented guy, who wants to be complete with more children and with a wife who is happy with family, which makes YOU happy now.

 

Your wife doesn't seem like she was ready for this family when it began, and she learned too late that she wasn't mature/experienced enough for it, and now wants to experiment the "real life" without you. I can understand. However, where I don't understand you wife is HOW she got married despite this-she MUST've known her ambivalence before marriage, and was hoping it would go away-that's why I broke up with my bf after 4 years-I didn't want to marry him and realize my own hesitancy to 'commit' AFTER the fact.

 

Confused, I think, as you do as well, that reconciliation with your wife is a futile attempt. I know I HATE being strung along, AND having strung my own bf along for a week before deciding about us. You're making the right decision, child or no child.

 

You sound like a generous, sweet person, and deserve someone who has NO DOUBT about you. AND you should not hold yourself to your promise to your ex about not having half-children. She's chosen to do her thing despite your feelings, and you are entitled to do the same.

 

Please find your own happiness with your son and someone who WILL and is ready to commit herself to your life plans. I wish you the best, but have no doubt you'll find someone even better after the divorce.

 

Let your wife go-it's no good to be dragged along. Besides, you already said you'd have a slim chance of taking her back anyway, if at all.

 

Find the one who's right for you.

[confusedashell]

phishgirl, you made a hell of a lot of sense in that post. Thanks for sharing what you think. As of yesterday I was and still am fully prepared for divorce. I simply cant take this anymore. Her reasons for not wanting a divorce seem to be some serious doubts about what she wants in the future as regards me. The fact is in the end SHE wanted us to get married. Even after a million talks and "is this what you want without any doubts?". I talked with one of her best friends yesterday and she told me that when they're out the first or second sentence out of my "wife" to someone she starts to talk to is "I'm married and I have a baby!" they say how proud she is of it. I really dont know what to make of it all. Yes, we have problems in our relationship. And they are all fixable, but they wont be fixable if she is just dragging her heals. Guess that remains to be seen. But I dont know how long I can take it.

 

I was never ever suspicious or cling or insecure about us. In fact, I never even thought about her cheating on me or lying to me. I just knew that would never happen. Now I'm maybe a little less sure of her and us. Afdter all this. She could always go where she wanted, do what she wanted, hang out with who she wanted. I never batted an eyelid. She has male friends, it doesnt bother me. I always think that if someone will cheat on you, they're gonna cheat. There is nothing you can do to stop them, so why bother giving yourself a headache over it.

 

Well its got nothing to do with our son i think. She comes from a "broken" family and infact I think all of the people she knows and hangs out with come from "broken families". Its doubt in herself. When I mentioned divorce she went white. She couldnt even think about it.

 

well, yeah hah, I love my family. Having another child is something I wouldnt mind buts not a must for me. But besides that, I know sooner or later she will want another child. She always talked about having two children. Its only really a detail for me. At least now. We've all been through hell in our lives with stress and a damn lot of worry so all I really want is for that to end for us. which it isnt too far off doing.

 

I know all this sounds like I'm making excuses but I'm not. I dont intend to stay in this for long if shes just not giving back to it all. She gets her "space" anyway since we will go the UK for awhile. But one things for sure, if this is over its OVER. Divorce. I wont hesitate for one second with that. For me its all or nothing, we're either together in this marriage or we're not. Theres no one foot in and one out.

 

DN, I've asked her what she means and it seems like she wants to take it to the stage of "bf/gf" again by going out and doing things. Thats a reasonable request considering thats what I already suggested we do to fix the problems with our relationship, spend more time together. I'll just be interested to see how things are for the next few days. If she is backing off a lot, acting akward and forced then thats it. I cant take it.

[confusedashell]

well this morning I said it right out, not because anything really happened. I told her I wanted a divorce and could sort it out by the end of the week. She doesnt want that. Wants us to stay together. I dont understand what it is she really wants. In some ways I think that the whole thing was just a little too much for her to think about right now and in a few months down the line when she is a little more comfortable with the idea and has less other things to worry about, she'll be the one asking for the divorce. I'm out of this. All this has put so much doubt and confusion in my mind. Before all this I was pretty certain and secure in our relationship and with her. Now, I really dont know what to think. Dont know where this is going or how shes really feeling. Best to save myself a hell of a lot of trouble and get out now.

[DN]

Other than saying she doesn't want a divorce did she say anything else?

[confusedashell]

Other than saying she doesn't want a divorce did she say anything else?

 

Her reasons seem to be that sooner or later we're back together anyway. I said thats not good enough. Either you're in or you're out. Well she seems to be in. At least acting like that. What is actually going remains to be seen. I didnt want to really bring anything up for next few days. Let the dust settle and then have "a talk". I'm leaving for the UK soon with my son, she gets her space for a few weeks. Before I leave I need to know where she/we and I stand on all this.

 

I'm really at a loss. The only real solid option I can see is to get a divorce now. Too many things were said and done that cant ever be erased.

[DN]

If she is genuinely wanting to put the relationship back together, then you can do that if you are willing and able to forgive. But it seems there is more to this than that.

 

There is something going on here that she is not telling you. It makes no sense to behave the way she is and then cave in when you say you want a divorce. It seems to me that she was trying to force you, or herself, into doing something. About what, or why, is not clear. But there is much more to what she is doing than meets the eye.

[confusedashell]

If she is genuinely wanting to put the relationship back together, then you can do that if you are willing and able to forgive. But it seems there is more to this than that.

 

There is something going on here that she is not telling you. It makes no sense to behave the way she is and then cave in when you say you want a divorce. It seems to me that she was trying to force you, or herself, into doing something. About what, or why, is not clear. But there is much more to what she is doing than meets the eye.

 

Thats also my own feelings. Thats there is something she's just not telling me. For whatever reason. I dont think there is someone else. Of course there could very well be but I think by now, I would have found out in one way or another. I dont know what it is. If I do try and get something out of her all i get is "I dont know". over and over again.

[DN]

I would be surprised if it was someone else. She would more likely just leave you if it was.

 

She wants something - and she may not know what it is. Tricky.

 

Could you afford to go on a vacation somewhere for a few days - just the two of you?

[confusedashell]

She wants something - and she may not know what it is. Tricky.

 

Could be just this "space" BS. Shes gone on about it since we met. Honestly spoken though, I thought she'd grown out of it. yesterday she commented on herself and how she feels like shes not herself. I've noticed shed gona little mental lately. hah. I dont know. I cant figure it out and I think constant questiooning is just making things worse.

 

Could you afford to go on a vacation somewhere for a few days - just the two of you?

The problem is I already had plans to get back to the UK for a few weeks so my son could visit his grandparents and she starts some pretty serious studies on Aug 15th. We wont have any real chance to get away for awhile. Even if I think it could do us the world of good! When all this started a few weeks ago I made the suggestion that we go to Vienna or something for a few days to get away, she didnt seem too enthuastic. Her attitude is changed a bit since then so who knows. i will suggest it to her that the next oppturnity we get we go away for a few days together.

 

I really cant understand whats going on. None of it makes any sense. If its someone else, like you say, she'd have gone already, or would have just spat it out when I was grilling her those days. She said some pretty mean and odd things so saying she was with someone else wasnt much of step. We were speaking on the phone when she was out the last time and obviously some guys were trying to chat her up. I heard her put her hand over the phone and i could still hear her saying she was talking to her husband. why nother say that if you want it all over.

 

this whole thing is a mystery. Yes I'm willing to fix things but ONLY if she actually wants it and brings her 50% to the table. Otherwise its no point in it. I dont know what to think right now

[confusedashell]

and shes out drinking again....

 

divorce papers go off tomorrow.

[confusedashell]

well I was furious at how shes acting now. I todl her the divorce papers go tomorrow and then she said "yup, ok". After we hung up, i just got really upset and called her back. Well it seems I got it all backwards. We were not back together last night. She thought getting a divorce now was too much to think about and she would have asked for it later when she was ready to deal with it. us "taking things slow" was

"we can try and see later if we get back together". I've had enough.

[DN]

She sounds more than confused. Your decision, but I know I could not put up with this treatment.

[confusedashell]

I'm really not happy now. Like I said, shes out drinking again tonight after work. I todl her come home now and sort this out once and for all. You know what she says? "You're always telling me what to do!" I mean COME ON! I think coming home and sorting out your marriage is a little bit more serious than talking crap with your friends that you spent the whole week with! How the hell can you win? She said she'd come home "soon" and we can talk about it then! I'm honestly in disbelief that someone who married me, professed undying love to me, had a child with me, a person i gave up four years of my life so she could study is treating me like this! Its hard to even grasp. But she is.

 

basically she doesnt want to be with me no because she doesnt feel like "that" for me. She says all the bad things have just takena toll on her and shes tired of it all. So she wants me to move back to the UK. We bounce our kid around until the summer until she can move there (yeah, right!). We stay married "legally" and in the mean time we see if maybe we can get back together! Can anyone believe this????????

[DN]

It doesn't seem to me as if there is anything left to discuss. File the papers and be done with her as soon as you can. Figure out the best way to co-parent your son but other than that let her find her own way.

[confusedashell]

It doesn't seem to me as if there is anything left to discuss. File the papers and be done with her as soon as you can. Figure out the best way to co-parent your son but other than that let her find her own way.

 

Thats what I'm going to do. When she gets home I'm gonna listen to what she has o say. Its all pointless now but I want her to be HONEST, no lies, no tyring to "spare my feelings", no BS. Tell me EXCATLY whats going on. Either way, shes treated me like dirt the last few weeks and this is OVER.

[confusedashell]

She says that I'm the one who wants the divorce - not her. I cant even guess whats happening in her head.

 

I have the papers and they are filled out. Just need her signature which I'll get when she comes home from work. sadly, i tired everything - this is all thats left. I love her, I'm gonna miss her but theres no more road in front of us.