You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[OCD]

Thanks SuperDave71,

I do have some "work" to do with this one. Regarding the smile, I can't stop!!! I'm trying not to read too much into this, but she was saying and feeling everything I wanted to hear. I couldn't believe it. I said my prayers, like I always do right before bed, then I dosed off. Then the phone rang....it was amazing! I couldn't believe how jealous she was of the girl I've been talking to. Crazy! I think that's a good sign, right? Another good pointe was that she wanted to keep talking and wouldn't let me end the phone call...when she first called I asked what's up? She said 'oh nothing, I'm having one of those nights.' I said what? 'She says I don't know I'm just thinking and you made me spoiled talking all of those nights and now I can't sleep and I want to talk to you'. I was happy to hear that too!

 

I couldn't have come this far without you SuperDave71 and the rest of the great people here...I hope it all works out in the end. I'm proceeding with caution. I woke up with mixed emotions wondering if she was serious, etc. I guess it's a start. So you think I should wait for her to call me, right? I asked if I could call her and if she wanted to start talking again? Another pointe, don't bring up the relationship unless she does. Ok, I think I can handle that. I just sort of poked fun at how I'm starting to heal and she says that she's right where I was in the beggining of the break up. That must mean she's thinking about me and misses me? Well, Lonelyfish and Sibling said I should start another post...so I might. But this is where it all started for me. The words of wizdom here are awesome!!! I'll try to calm down and not think about too much, but hey I can't help thinking about her. Thanks again.

 

OCD

[Dogg]

GOOD FOR YOU BRO!!!!!! you give us all hope!!!! I ma truly happy for you, I've followed your story from the get go and you F*cken did it!!!!!! GOOD WORK MY FRIEND. Now, I agree with superdave71, let her call you!!!!! another word of advice from me to you, this should not be taken lightly, you must tread softly here so as not to F*CK ANYTHING UP!!!!!!!! I wish you all the best bro, keep us informed of all goings on with your story!!!!!!

[coooolsome]

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[keefy1972]

OCD...great news man. Just keep your feet on the ground and don't get too far ahead of yourself. While she did say alot of what you want to hear, she hasn't said what you need her to say (Let's get back together). In the meantime, keep doing what you've been doing, let her call you and don't ALWAYS be there to take her calls. She can't know that you're this excited about something that, in all reality, doesn't amount to much. It's going great but there is still a ways to go. Like Dogg said, tread carefully.

 

Journey, I would suggest you keep all contact strictly to regarding your son.

[trishcollins]

Dave, I couldn't agree more. At first, I was really good. I didn't contact my 'ex' except to ask to speak to his kids to let them know the breakup wasn't there fault. That went well, and I know he appreciated it. Then a week later my father passed away, and I called him, and he did the one thing I had begged him NOT to do, he gave me false hope (I just need time). He even offered to attend the service with me in another city, but when he said "as a friend", it broke my heart all over again, and in the end, I told him if he couldn't be at my side as my partner, I didn't want him to attend. It would be too hard on me. He agreed and I suggested we go our separate ways for awhile.

 

I then went into N/C for a couple of months, but like a lot of people, I then fell into the "what if he forgets me" mode, and started contacting him again by email. Just newsy emails "how are you" and "hope you are well". His responses were always stilted and very guarded, and it was almost worst to read them then knowing he was editing every word. He was obviously being very careful in his responses and wasn't giving me anything to build hopes on. So, I went back into N/C for my own sanity.

 

My theropist, seeing me in such agony and loved him very much, (who knew the circumstances well, and had even met him at one point) suggested that I write him a letter telling him what a great father, lover and friend he was given the reason we split -- guilt over his kids, a daughter who despised me, and losing his wife of 20 years in a tragic situation right before he started dated me, which of course, was way too soon. I was reluctant to contact him again, but she said that if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, would I want him to know how I felt, and of course, I said yes. She said the letter shouldn't talk about getting back together or that I missed him, just that he was a good guy and that I wished him well. And not to expect a response.

 

I tormented myself for days as to whether or not to send it after writing it. In the end, I decided to do it, and I am not so sure it was the right thing now that I look back. He knew all of that already -- how I felt and what he had gone through. Anyway, I did get a response, and even though it was six months after our breakup, it was like the wound was brand new. He said things like "you are a woman with a heart of gold and I will never forget you, but please start dating again". It was like a knife in the heart.

 

I then got VERY angry. That response came just before Christmas, and on Christmas day, I sent three scathing emails telling him how angry and hurt I was. That I could not believe we were talking marriage just the Christmas before, and now he was saying what a nice person I was, but to date other people. I asked if he had any idea how hurt I was, and that it was as though we had never gone out. I couldn't imagine dating so soon after the breakup, and that my feelings couldn't just be turned off like a faucet. I went on and on and on. That I was tired of being grownup about it all, and that it was time for him to hear how much he had hurt me and for no good reason, other than his own selfishness by jumping into a relationship when he shouldn't have, and involving me in his life knowing that he had not greived his wife and at the expense of his children's mental health. Naturally, there was no response.

 

I stayed out of touch for three more months. Then stupidly, contacted him on his birthday with some "newsy" info, to which I received a short email message saying "thanks and take care". Another knife to the heart. Shortly after that, I went out on my "first" post-breakup date and it was awful. I went home and wrote him another email tearing a strip off of him for putting me back out there again. No repsonse.

 

A month later, I accidently sent a poem to him (he was on an old distribution list on my home computer which I seldom use), to which he responded in an obviously angry fashion "please do not send me any more emails". I was so angry. It was like all of a sudden "I" was the bad guy, that the breakup and the circumstances, which had nothing to do with me, were forgotten, and I was just the crazy ex-girlfirend. So I really let him have it. Told him that I never did anything wrong, that I wasn't the bad guy. He abandoned me when things got rough and he refused to face the problems with his kids, and in the end, he was responsible for the breakup, not me. He had been selfish and not given any thought to either me or his kids. He was running away from his hurt and pain and not dealing with it at all. That I had been supportive and encouraging and had communicated to him all along my fear about his daughter's anger for her mother's death and the fact that he had moved on to a new relationship so quickly. I had told him early on if he didn't deal with it, that she would end up hating me and the he needed her to understand he still loved her and her mother. I finally said I would never email again if that is what he wanted. Naturally, I heard nothing back.

 

However, I felt so guilty and was so afraid I had alignated him forever, and given the the circumstances that week (a year since I hit a train that basically was the start of the end of our relationship, the same week of my dad's birthday, who had passed away the year before, and the same week as my birthday, which brought back memories of a stressful birthday dinner with his daughter the year before), I decided to write a letter. I wrote that I was sorry about what had happened and how I had reacted over the last year. That I never meant for him to get that poem, and explained why he ended up with it, that I wished him well and that I was moving on, and hoped he would to. I wished him all the best and said I would not be in contact again. I didn't expect to hear anything back, I figured it would just give me closure.

 

I didn't hear anything back -- it was worse than that -- he sent the letter back unopened, marked "return to sender". He never even read it. I was devastated to think the man who I was going to marry, the man I bought a house with, the man who was so wonderful to me for two years and said he was committed to spending the rest of his life with me, would stoop so low as to send it back unopened. He could have thrown it away and I would never have known. But, he was making a point -- leave me alone.

 

I decided to send it back in a plain evelope with no return address, addressed to his home business, so he would at least have to open it. I put a sticky note on it saying "read it or don't read it, I don't care -- just don't send it back. Give me closure, you owe me that much". I will never know if he read it or not. All I know is that was five months ago, and thank God, nothing has shown up in the mail.

 

I look back at the whole experience, and if there was anything I could now change after our painful breakjup 18 months ago, it was contacting him after I spoke to the kids (that I do not regreat). Any contact after that sealed the fate of our relationship forever. I have made him hate me (or worse, pity me). I am sure we would never have reconciled regardless, but I feel like I really lowed myself by constantly badgering him. It did nothing to help, and just made things worse. It also didn't help me move on. It dragged it out much longer than it should have.

 

It's Christmas again, and there is a very small voice saying "send a card just to be friendly". No matter how much I want to, I won't, because I know that he will never see it in the spirit in which it was sent -- merely a friendly gesture. It will always appear to him like an attempt to get back either with him, or at him. And why shouldn't it. History has shown every time I sent a nice note and got a response, I got angry and beat him up for it. After a while he just lost all tolerance, and in the end, I just felt worse.

 

Keep that in mind before breaking N/C. I know you will all do what your heart tells you, but if you want to contact, write the letter or email, but don't send it. Wait a day and read it again and really think about it. Don't do it. I know I would not have reconcilled with my ex now that I look back -- the relationship ended because it had to. He had too many unresolved issues and I needed someone who was emotionally ready. But I think I would have felt better, knowing he didn't despise me for hounding him like I did. No, he is no saint, and the relationship was doomed, given the extenuateing circumstances, but had I not sent the letters and emails, I know I would have gotten over this much sooner.

 

Anyway, I am now writing a column on the "up side of being single" for the local paper. I still hope to be in a happy, normal and committed relationship one day, but so far, I haven't met anyone. I think it's because I am still not ready yet, and unlike my ex, I intend to be ready to move on before I actually do.

[octopus]

I'm so glad I found this website. I was just about to fall apart because I got a short and feelingless email from my ex, and I was thinking of writing a loong reply and thank god I remembered I was only in day 4 of NC and that I should try harder.

[Lil Punkin]

Trish..wow that was long but worth the read. Thanks for that post.

 

I am considering contacting someone again at some point....but after your post I am not so sure. He's given me similar "generic" replies..and like you, I have found myself attacking him for it. Although, lately I've just not done ANYTHING because I know how I am. I don't know HOW I will feel in 2 months..or 3 months...maybe I WILL decide I no longer WANT to contact him.

 

I know how upset you must feel with not getting the proper closure you needed...but truthfully, and you might not agree...anything he said, short of "I want to get back together" Or something like that, would never be good enough. Simply because you wanted more than he could give you. You are right ..he probably did lose all tolerance...thats what happened with me as well. At that point all you can do is just cease and desist ALL contact. Anything else is just harassment in their eyes.

 

I am trying to be strong...I am in NC right now, just hoping I can make it through.

 

Good luck on your article

[keefy1972]

Punkin, be strong. Remember the golden rule: Strict no contact and talk to as many guys as possible.

 

Trish, your story can do a lot to help some people here. Thanks for sharing it, but holy crap that was long. Hope you are doing better everyday!

[SuperDave71]

Any updates on OCD today ?

 

 

 

Anyone ...Anyone....Buellar...Buellar.....( ha ha )

 

 

How is everyone doing out there?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[journey05]

Ive posted this in a thread but would like to hear your point of view.

I am separated from a gal I have a son with. Its been a bad year after the war. Weve been together for 3. She ended it last month. How should I go about contacting her or talking to her when it does not regard our son?

[keefy1972]

SuperDave do you think you can take a look at my thread "curious" in age gap relationships and tell me what you think?

[keefy1972]

He's probably going to suggest you don't contact her if it isn't in regards to your son. As he would say, "give her alllllllllllllllllll the space she needs". Im just guessing though

[keefy1972]

Well I'm sure she won't think that. Your son will provide you with plenty to talk about. Just keep it at that level. Make her think you're moving on in your life outside of her.

[OCD]

Any updates on OCD today ?

 

 

 

Anyone ...Anyone....Buellar...Buellar.....( ha ha )

 

 

How is everyone doing out there?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Hi SuperDave71,

No updates as of yet, thanks. That was a long day yesterday wondering if that phone was going to ring. She didn't call me and I didn't call her. I have that Christmas party tonight so I'm wondering if she's thinking about that....I told her that I'd call her or she could call me. So I took the advice that I should wait a day or two to see if she calls again. As of yet nothing...I'm hanging in there. I'm wondering if she was waiting for me to call her??? I don't know but I'm on delicate ground right now. I'm not trying to push anything. Some folks said it would be a good idea to call her Sunday night if I don't hear from her by then...what do you think? Thanks.

 

OCD

[trishcollins]

I know how upset you must feel with not getting the proper closure you needed...but truthfully, and you might not agree...anything he said, short of "I want to get back together" Or something like that, would never be good enough. Simply because you wanted more than he could give you.

 

You are absolutely right. Unless you hear those words, anything else is a letdown. Worse, when they encourage you to date other people. Better not to hear anything at all. Bottom line, if they wanted you in their lives, they would be in touch. A hard lesson to learn, but ultimately, it is the ONLY answer.

[trishcollins]

Trish, your story can do a lot to help some people here. Thanks for sharing it, but holy crap that was long.

 

Thus the writing gig. I have to pour this info out somewhere I just thought it might help people see the futility in it all, and that no matter how much time went by, and how many times I contacted him, and no matter what I said (kind, angry, informational), it never got him to change his mind. In fact, I now feel like he will never see me the way he did when we were a couple. But, and this is the hardest part, I just have to accept that fact and move on. I am not the reason we broke up. It was never my fault, and I am a good person with a lot to offer someone, so I am not beating myself up about it. I am only beating myself up about continuing to contact him, when in fact, it did more harm than good -- at least in my mind.

 

Anyway, I am getting stronger each day. I know it's so hard at this time of year, but I am not going to let it get to me.

[keefy1972]

I knew what your point was Trish, which is why I said it could help alot of people. Many, myself included, have tried everything in the book to no avail. Your post can help to show that, no matter how long you wait, contact is going to get you nothing if the other person doesn't want it.

 

Everyone in this forum that is dealing with a broken heart is best served by not having any contact. During this time, do the things necessary to recover from it, and stand on you own again. If they come back, motivated by your absense, so be it. If not, then it's really no big deal.

[OCD]

Any updates on OCD today ?

 

 

 

Anyone ...Anyone....Buellar...Buellar.....( ha ha )

 

 

How is everyone doing out there?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Hi SuperD, quick question how long should I wait until I make a call to her? I know I should wait until she calls me, but how long do I wait. I've gotten a few pieces of advice here and would like to know what you think. Thank you sir.

 

OCD

[lawandorder]

i agree with 100% and been there and done it all. But there are a few steps left out IMO. You have to have a plan and work your plan. How to make progress? How to get life in order?

 

IMO and from experience is simple but very hard. But you have to take focus off the ex. and focus on yourself. For example: Focus on your career what ever it may be or school or so on. Try harder to excell more than you ever thought possible. Take pride in yourself. from your diet to working out or walking each day. focus on all aspects of your body. Let me ask a question. How many ex's come back to someone depressed, down, broke and gaining weight and desperate. Hmmm, none? so better ever aspect of yourself. But I agree so much on the lists on what not to do. So well stated. Every action has a reaction. But no action has no reaction. So the points from superdave go hand in hand. Dont chase the ex. People want what they cant have. Period. So work the system and see the out come. Write down your daily goals, weekly goals and monthly. Then write down how you are going to get there. and then work it daily. Sorry I got started on this and took up so much time. But great post superdave

[sparticuss]

Dave

Generally you are right. Paticularly with the warnings about not beating yourself up.

But generalising for each and every indivual situation is a dangerous buiness.

 

Paticualrily as this kind of behaviour is also consistent with the world buggiest sulk. I've noted numerous posting from girls having these massive sulks. They arent refusing to ring because they want ot give ther boys space either. They are in a masive sulk and refusing to ring unless HE rings first and apologises. Incluing one who used to beat him up. What the hell he was supposed to apologise for is beyond me.

 

And it isn't just the girls who get into king sized sulks.

[leopard]

I started seeing a guy a year ago and he always said he wasn't ready for a commitment. I tried the NC, but we continued to see eachother and were intimate. Finally a week ago he said that he didn't feel for me in a serious way and ended it. He said he wanted to go on with his life.

 

We have already done the 1 month of NC at times throughout. He never wanted more in the realtionship. It sounds as if it's over this time.

 

Any advice. I don't think NC will work. I think it's over.

[leopard]

If you are in NC and they call to wish you a Merry Christmas or Happy NY do you respond to one call? I doubt he will, but if he did it would be just that. He would not have to work for a response.

[yme]

I have read this thread over a couple of days. I see all of the points and can understand the why's and wherefor's. I need to be told the truth, though, even if it isn't what I want to hear/read. I will be as brief as I can...

 

After 21 years my female partner (we never married, despite 2 children) has upped and left me for a man 20 years her junior. I cannot say that she didn't have any reason to go; for a few months prior to her leaving I suspected that something was going wrong and my insecurity made me unlikeable, to say the least.

 

She has had a difficult few years with me, after I became disabled following an illness that almost killed me. As a result, I haven't been able to work, can hardly walk, and my mood swings have let me down to this extent. As a consequence I am unable to get out, go to the gym, or many of the things already mentioned to take my mind off of my plight.

 

I have tried to maintain NC, but my son still lives with me (he's 16) and she daily checks with him for his needs as she is aware that I cannot provide. Just last week she sent me a text. In the text she tried to make an argument with me. I tried to rationalise this by telling myself that if she really didn't care, why would she try to argue? Is she trying to justify her decision by reminding herself what a moron I can become when arguing with her?

 

Having read this thread I am determined to maintain the NC as far as is possible, outside of my son's welfare. The end aim is to try to win her back. My question is this, whoever can advise me.

 

As she is living with this other person already, am I wasting my time hoping that she might grow to love me again when she already believes that she can get what she needs from him?

[leopard]

yme

 

 

Usually women complain about things they are unhappy with before they leave. Men call it Nagging, but if those needs are not met the woman leaves. Do you recall her asking for anything that you overlooked?

It could also be a midlife crisis and the fact that you never married she wanted to experience other things in her life.

[yme]

She never gave me any idea that something was missing from our life together. She is a stubborn lass, and fought fire with fire. Perhaps this is too much information, but the major lack in our relationship, since my illness, was my lack of sexual desire. I know that was a significant factor in our lives. She never mentioned it, and I was (am) too embarrassed to seek medical help for it.

 

It is not the first time that it has been suggested to me that she is having a midlife crisis. My sister (who lives the other side of the country to me) has suggested that she is flattered that she can still attract the interest of a younger person, and after the 'honeymoon' period, the age gap will start to have an impact upon their relationship.

 

Some folk may say that they could never forgive a partner/spouse for an act of infidelity, and perhaps I should take such a stance, but I am prepared to forgive her; for the simple reason that her happiness is paramount to me, and this is obviously what is making her happy at the moment. I hope it doesn't last.