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Is My Boyfriend’s Control Over My Life Healthy?

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Is it okay for my boyfriend to make rules and decide for me? He always decides what I can wear, when I can go out, and with whom I can hang out. It’s becoming too much because I have been struggling mentally, and I wanted to hang out with my old friend since I haven’t been going out besides work. However, he said I can’t go out because he doesn’t trust me and that I need to earn his trust.

I understand I messed up after we broke up because I was texting guys and girls to make new friends. The whole purpose was just to make friends because he made me remove my old friends, and I was pretty much lonely. He found out what I did when we broke up, and now that we are back together, he has trust issues.

Even though we broke up because he was cheating and texting girls during our relationship, wanting them sexually and having multiple dating accounts, I broke up with him. I didn’t even want anyone sexually; I just wanted friends. Now that we are back together, he wants to rule my life.

When we were together the first time, he was like that too. He told me he started to lose feelings because I didn’t do what he wanted. He always wanted me to live under his rules, and if I didn’t, he would lose feelings. I think that led him to cheating on me. At first, I was okay with it because I was abused as a child, and that seemed fine with me. However, my mental health got worse following his rules. It drained me. I can’t even see my friends whenever I want; he always needs to allow it. He says it’s to protect me and because he doesn’t trust me since I talked to guys after we broke up.

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How long have you been together? Do you live in the same house?

15 minutes ago, Wolly said:

. He told me he started to lose feelings because I didn’t do what he wanted

That's not how a healthy loving partner loves another. That's how they manipulate you though into doing whatever they want because you are so adamant whatever they ask for is more worthy than yourself and your normal needs. You bent all your life for someone's control and they wouldn't do it for you.

15 minutes ago, Wolly said:

Is it okay for my boyfriend to make rules and decide for me?

Absolutely not. You are not a prisoner. You are an independent person whose personality should shine more in a relationship, but that would not be in favour of his controlling emotional manipulation and abuse. I'm very sorry you're going through this. Let us know if you live together, because if you do, you need an exit plan out of this horrific situation. HE is a controlling liar and cheater. These character traits don't change.

Good news is you broke up with him once. Trust that you can do it again.


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17 minutes ago, Wolly said:

At first, I was okay with it because I was abused as a child, and that seemed fine with me.

Even more reasons to break up with him. He might seem to offer something "familiar" to you (subtle abuse), so you keep coming back.

But honey you need to cut him out asap!

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Why do you think you stay? Do you like having excuses like "my bf said no/won't let me/needs me here with him" not to see your friends? Do you find it masculine that he treats you like this? Like "protecting" you including from yourself? 

He is turned on by having power over you -not by you -he doesn't have feelings for you or if he does those aren't the passionate feelings- he is a person who feels passion for you based on power over you -you could be anyone he enjoyed having power over. Also he is a person who justifies cheating so perhaps he figures if he cheats so does everyone else.

Of course it's not healthy.

As an aside to me there is nothing more annoying than hanging out with a woman who constantly interrupts to check in with her partner or who cancels on a whim because "my boyfriend decided we're visiting his high school friend today"

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Let me get this straight, he cheated on you but you have to build trust for him? Do you see how you are responsible for everything -- his cheating, his behavior, the entire relationship -- and he is responsible for nothing? He sought you out because, coming from an abusive background, he knew he could exert control over you. He is a bad person and you need to cut him out now. 

Have you had therapy to deal with your past abuse? You need to do work on yourself before you get into another relationship so that you value yourself and can stand on your own two feet. Then you will attract a better class of person. 

Good Luck!

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This is entirely unhealthy.  He's bad for you.  He cheated.  You didn't.  You were trying to make friends when you & him were broken up.  That is not cheating. 

Anybody who wants you to delete all your friends is trying to isolate you so they can abuse you more.  It's a huge red flag & signal to run.  

Because you were abused as a child this seem familiar to you.  That doesn't mean it's right. 

Break up with him & get some therapy.  

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