Confused

[clumsy]

i have been dating a guy for 3 years now we have been living together for few months. He cooks for me, he is a family man , he is a gentle man . But when he is angry he speaks with me disrespectfully he says slang words and all and its not sometimes . its everytime he has anger issues . its been 3 times when he is over drunk he doesnt hit me but he pushes me shoves me and fight or things dont make sense. He is good when he is normal . i dont know if i should stay with him or not. I dont know if iam right or not. i dont want to share it with my friends and make him look like a bad guy. am i over reacting or is this not good.

[Capricorn3]

You are not over reacting, and no, this is not good.  What you see is what you get.  He's showing you his true character and it's not exactly impressive (imo).

Shoving you around when he is drunk and swearing and disrespecting you whenever he is angry is unacceptable behaviour.  Sounds like he needs anger management.

Do you really want a partner like this for the rest of your life?  It won't get any better - in fact, it will get a lot worse over time.  Show him you have some self-respect and leave.

[catfeeder]

Not good, and it will only escalate and get worse if you stay there. 

[DarkCh0c0]

34 minutes ago, clumsy said:

But when he is angry he speaks with me disrespectfully he says slang words and all and its not sometimes . its everytime he has anger issues . its been 3 times when he is over drunk he doesnt hit me but he pushes me shoves me and fight or things dont make sense. He is good when he is normal

This is the cycle of abuse. When HE is mad, he abuses you emotionally and takes it out on you physically. When HE is doing well, the peace is back.

Rinse and repeat. 

Of course he has a good side to him, like any abusive and manipulative person does. That's how they keep you hooked and trick you into thinking that you are the problem. 

I would seriously consider if this how you'd like your life to be. A more healthy person would stay level headed and loving during arguments. They would care about you and your safety, rather than abuse it. 

Are you able and willing to make an exit plan? Can you confide to trusted family or friends and get some help?

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, clumsy said:

He is good when he is normal .

That doesnt really matter when he is frequently drunk and abuses you. You need to leave before he actually hurts you or worst.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, clumsy said:

i have been dating a guy for 3 years now we have been living together for few months. . its been 3 times when he is over drunk he doesnt hit me but he pushes me shoves me and fight or things dont make sense. 

Sorry this is happening. Is it his place or your place?  Why did you move in together? Was he like this prior to moving in together? .

Please confide in trusted friends and family. Abuse usually escalates like this. Please use the support of trusted friends and family to extricate yourself before it gets worse. 

[HeartGoesOn]

16 hours ago, clumsy said:

He cooks for me, he is a family man , he is a gentle man

And he's abusive...a textbook case. They all follow the same pattern.  You need to walk away from this before your name hits the newspaper.  You can't change him, it is what it is therefore don't feel that you're  the exception to the rule...you're not.

[Jaunty]

Please don't wait for it to get worse, because it will.  

[AndyPandy]

On 5/11/2024 at 8:47 AM, clumsy said:

i have been dating a guy for 3 years now we have been living together for few months. He cooks for me, he is a family man , he is a gentle man.

I'll return to the bolded part...

On 5/11/2024 at 8:47 AM, clumsy said:

But when he is angry he speaks with me disrespectfully he says slang words and all and its not sometimes . its everytime he has anger issues . its been 3 times when he is over drunk he doesnt hit me but he pushes me shoves me and fight or things dont make sense.

This, is not the behaviour of a gentle man (or gentleman). As others have pointed out, these are characteristics of an abuser. Ok he doesn't hit you but shoving and pushing are still forms of violence and mistreatment and it could escalate to kicks, slaps and punches once he's determined how far he can go with abusing you.

On 5/11/2024 at 8:47 AM, clumsy said:

He is good when he is normal . i dont know if i should stay with him or not. I dont know if iam right or not. i dont want to share it with my friends and make him look like a bad guy. am i over reacting or is this not good.

Abusers have nice moments - that's how they're able to maintain control over their victims by alternating between kindness and unkindness - which creates confusion and makes the victim think that if the abuser could be purged of their cruelty that they'd be the loveliest person ever. It seldom happens.

You're not overreacting. This will not end well - the longer you stay, the further you will become unhappy and find it harder to escape. Spare yourself the agony and find a way to leave and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who won't treat you like this.

[smackie9]

Been there....your answer is to leave him. That's it.

[MurkyIntersection]

This is very worrying, especially considering that you don't feel comfortable sharing this with your friends. That is exactly how domestic abuse unfolds and escalates.

I would get out of this relationship as fast as I can.

[sunday_luthier]

On 5/11/2024 at 9:47 AM, clumsy said:

i have been dating a guy for 3 years now we have been living together for few months. He cooks for me, he is a family man , he is a gentle man . But when he is angry he speaks with me disrespectfully he says slang words and all and its not sometimes . its everytime he has anger issues . its been 3 times when he is over drunk he doesnt hit me but he pushes me shoves me and fight or things dont make sense. He is good when he is normal . i dont know if i should stay with him or not. I dont know if iam right or not. i dont want to share it with my friends and make him look like a bad guy. am i over reacting or is this not good.

I'm guessing this makes you feel like these angry outbursts are just occasional accidents or misunderstandings, and that once he returns to his "normal" self, everything is going to be fine.

I'm sure that when he is "normal", he is very kind, considerate, cuddly, and says and does lovely things.  You might even feel like he is your soul mate.

You don't want these angry incidents to become more frequent or escalate, for fear that your relationship will become abusive.

But the thing is, you are already in an abusive relationship.  You can expect more lovely times from this man but also more abuse, more anger and more fear and anxiety for you.

Abusers in movies are usually portrayed as all-round a**holes.  This makes it easy for everyone to understand that they are somebody you don't want to be around.  In real life, it doesn't work that way.  Abusers know how to make you feel loved, important, and generally very good about yourself.  Otherwise, why would you stay?

But the fact that you notice these outbursts or "cycles" likely means that you are caught in the cycle of abuse already mentioned.