Alcoholic to Workoholic?

[CrazyWife]

It has been brought up to me that I focus too much on work outside work. That I am very career focused. I have done the following -

- Focused on work rather than family and friends 
- Done work related tasks when out socialising and constantly thinking about work
- Get frustrated when others don't do work tasks, meetings on their days off and think of them as having no work ethic 
- Take over tasks at work or I see them as not getting done properly if left to others 

I just think about work constantly and have a colleague that calls me all the time about work. I feel I neglect my family for work. 

I was once an alcoholic and have now stopped drinking. I wonder if I have exchanged alcohol for work. I rely on work for validation too much. I worry that I focus not enough on my family and after discussion with my partner, he said I spend too much time on the phone to colleagues after work rather than spend time with my family. 

I worry one day I will look up and our children have fled the nest and I missed all the good times because I was just to obsessed with something that will replace me easily if I die tomorrow. 

[ShySoul]

From what I've seen I think some people tend to have addicitive personalities. They throw themselves into whatever thier focus is on. I imagine an alcoholic might be prone to this. I've also known former alcoholics to do it with religion, becoming devout and born again. 

I understand wanting to do a good job with your work. I especially understand feeling like leaving things to others means they won't be done properly. But you can't do or control everything. Trying to will eventually burn you out. My best friend became so stressed over work it made her sick to the point she ended up in the hospital. That wouldn't help anyone - you, your family, or your co-workers. Everyone needs to take time for themselves and appreciate what really matters in life. 

There will always be more work to do, another meeting or presentation. The business will keep on going, trading out workers as needed. But your children are only young for so long. Don't lose the moments with them. When you look back on life it's those moments that will mean the most. Make time for them. Family comes first.

[ShySoul]

Always felt this helped put things in perspective:

I won't break my back for a million bucks / I can't take to my grave
So why put off for tomorrow / What I could get done today

Catch up on all the things I've always missed / Just start livin', that's the next thing on my list

 

[lostandhurt]

This is about control.  In your work environment you are in control while your non work environment you don't feel the same or no control. It is a form of escape that gives you comfort and a sense of safety.

 This is not uncommon and not specific to alcoholics/recovering alcoholics but many do use it as a crutch to keep them from drinking.

  What is it you fear?  Certainly the world will not stop spinning or your company will not implode if you do not do all these work related stuff on your off hours so what is it that you fear?

 Lost

[Batya33]

I think people are more quick to label others as workaholics these days.  I think there's zero wrong with focusing on work outside of work if it makes the person feel good and if it's not an obsession/addiction -just like a parent who focuses on their kids and gets judged as a helicopter parent.  I haven't had "just a job" since maybe 1991.  Neither has my husband.  I do have to check my tendency to get too work focused.  And I do.  I can see where I could become a workaholic if I didn't do so.  I am very proud of my work, the contributions I make/try to make and equally proud of my husband's work.  I think I care too much at times -but again I check that -I'm not stuck in it or obsessed.  I haven't had a typical hours 9 to 5 job either since the early 90s.  I chose that.  For different reasons over the years.  Neither does my husband.  I do plan someday if I keep working at a certain age/stage to have a predictable hours job again -likely when my son goes to college. 

I think there is far more focus now on that elusive work life balance.  When I started out in my intense and intensely competitive career in 1994 -my second career- it was expected you were on call 24/7 and there was no internet so you did this mostly at the office -early mornings/late nights, weekends.  Not 24/7 at the office unless there was a big deadline.  Then yes -we did what was needed.  Were we workaholics -I mean who knows - back then though my point is that this level of focus in my industry was -normal.  Now it would not be or there would be tremendous pushback from all I see.  I don't work in that environment anymore but I also don't have a predictable job.  As a SAHM for 7 years I worked in that sort of environment -it prepared me well! Was I a workaholic as a SAHM because of my focus, my 24/7 on call. thinking about my "work" with our son when he was sleeping? I don't think so.  

I do think that certain people have addictive personalities.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

I worry one day I will look up and our children have fled the nest and I missed all the good times because I was just to obsessed with something that will replace me easily if I die tomorrow. 

I think you've chosen an excellent way to frame the problem. Now you can use your management skills to create and run two projects: Work Optimization and Family Life. Manage these both together as 'your job'. Also consider the steps you are still taking today to manage your sobriety versus those you used to get sober. You may want to revisit some of those older steps to learn whether you can move some of your work focus back onto working your sobriety. You might feel more secure and less prone to using work as a means to compensate for insecurity. 

Define your scope of work. How much of your current focus falls directly within that scope? How much out-of-scope work directly impacts you, versus how much of it are you just using to prevent yourself from moving your focus to your family? Is the distance you create with your family due to feeling less than capable with them, and if so, what steps can you take to manage that discomfort as a priority? This can avoid snowballing the problem into the future.

Identify sub-issues. For instance, taking over work that isn't being done to your standards. Is this work being done by those you manage? If so, why not find better ways to manage the people, and if the people are sub-par, stop wasting your management time on lost causes and replace them with better people? If you are not managing these people, design a process for those tasks and present it to your manager instead of taking over the work itself. Your manager will determine how many of your suggestions can be implemented, and you can also allow that person to deal with the outcomes.

Use cost/benefit analyses to weigh potential outcomes if you were to minimize work conversations after hours. This can help you to re-order your priorities by clarifying whether those outcomes weigh more than those of distancing yourself from your family.

Head high, congrats on your sobriety, and feel free to write more if it helps.

[CrazyWife]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

From what I've seen I think some people tend to have addicitive personalities. They throw themselves into whatever thier focus is on. I imagine an alcoholic might be prone to this. I've also known former alcoholics to do it with religion, becoming devout and born again. 

I understand wanting to do a good job with your work. I especially understand feeling like leaving things to others means they won't be done properly. But you can't do or control everything. Trying to will eventually burn you out. My best friend became so stressed over work it made her sick to the point she ended up in the hospital. That wouldn't help anyone - you, your family, or your co-workers. Everyone needs to take time for themselves and appreciate what really matters in life. 

There will always be more work to do, another meeting or presentation. The business will keep on going, trading out workers as needed. But your children are only young for so long. Don't lose the moments with them. When you look back on life it's those moments that will mean the most. Make time for them. Family comes first.

Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful comment. I do worry about losing this time with them and have always found that I really can take things to the extreme. 

[CrazyWife]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

This is about control.  In your work environment you are in control while your non work environment you don't feel the same or no control. It is a form of escape that gives you comfort and a sense of safety.

 This is not uncommon and not specific to alcoholics/recovering alcoholics but many do use it as a crutch to keep them from drinking.

  What is it you fear?  Certainly the world will not stop spinning or your company will not implode if you do not do all these work related stuff on your off hours so what is it that you fear?

 Lost

Maybe I just want to prove dedication to my role and that I'm actually good at something? Maybe a lot of this has to do with self esteem. I don't take criticism of my work well at all. Even constructive criticism as dedicate so much to my work. I use it for my self worth I guess. 

[CrazyWife]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think people are more quick to label others as workaholics these days.  I think there's zero wrong with focusing on work outside of work if it makes the person feel good and if it's not an obsession/addiction -just like a parent who focuses on their kids and gets judged as a helicopter parent.  I haven't had "just a job" since maybe 1991.  Neither has my husband.  I do have to check my tendency to get too work focused.  And I do.  I can see where I could become a workaholic if I didn't do so.  I am very proud of my work, the contributions I make/try to make and equally proud of my husband's work.  I think I care too much at times -but again I check that -I'm not stuck in it or obsessed.  I haven't had a typical hours 9 to 5 job either since the early 90s.  I chose that.  For different reasons over the years.  Neither does my husband.  I do plan someday if I keep working at a certain age/stage to have a predictable hours job again -likely when my son goes to college. 

I think there is far more focus now on that elusive work life balance.  When I started out in my intense and intensely competitive career in 1994 -my second career- it was expected you were on call 24/7 and there was no internet so you did this mostly at the office -early mornings/late nights, weekends.  Not 24/7 at the office unless there was a big deadline.  Then yes -we did what was needed.  Were we workaholics -I mean who knows - back then though my point is that this level of focus in my industry was -normal.  Now it would not be or there would be tremendous pushback from all I see.  I don't work in that environment anymore but I also don't have a predictable job.  As a SAHM for 7 years I worked in that sort of environment -it prepared me well! Was I a workaholic as a SAHM because of my focus, my 24/7 on call. thinking about my "work" with our son when he was sleeping? I don't think so.  

I do think that certain people have addictive personalities.

Thank you for your response. I have done some digging and yes I have always taken my job seriously but it's like I stopped drinking which as an addict was a main focus and then it went to work. 

Was out at a birthday party today trying to focus solely on my child but kept thinking of work but at the same time knowing that I had to address this problem. 

Wanting to focus on being healthier/ getting back to the gym and perhaps moving to a less intense area of work which may be more beneficial changes to make, especially for my self esteem. 

[CrazyWife]

Thanks for your responses. I do feel I may have traits of an addictive personality. I do wonder if I pull focus on something so intensely where I feel in control. 

I can struggle with the stresses of parenthood at times and lack confidence as a parent on occasion. 

I may need to find a better outlet for all this rather than becoming obsessed with work and seeking outside validation of my self worth. I should feel lucky I have family and friends who love me. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

. I may need to find a better outlet for all this rather than becoming obsessed with work and seeking outside validation of my self worth. I should feel lucky I have family and friends who love me. 

This is a great idea to prevent burnout as well as simply focusing on one thing or another.

Perhaps join some groups and clubs get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, broaden your social horizons. 

This way you can round things out and not get "addicted" to any particular thing. 

[CrazyWife]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a great idea to prevent burnout as well as simply focusing on one thing or another.

Perhaps join some groups and clubs get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, broaden your social horizons. 

This way you can round things out and not get "addicted" to any particular thing. 

Yeah as I feel I can also over indulge in food if I am stressed or go back to cigarette smoking too. I need better outlets and just need to balance everything out better

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

Thank you for your response. I have done some digging and yes I have always taken my job seriously but it's like I stopped drinking which as an addict was a main focus and then it went to work. 

Was out at a birthday party today trying to focus solely on my child but kept thinking of work but at the same time knowing that I had to address this problem. 

Wanting to focus on being healthier/ getting back to the gym and perhaps moving to a less intense area of work which may be more beneficial changes to make, especially for my self esteem. 

Please cut yourself slack -80% with kids is showing up -no need to be 100% present at all times to have your child benefit greatly -and you too! You were thinking -not like you checked work email right? Even that would be ok during a lull. 

Gym is a great idea -I work out so much of my negative energy/work stress/parenting stress in my daily workout.  I personally would not move to a less intense area of work if you risk being bored.  Less intense if the boss/managers are less intense or more pleasant -yes I get it.

[MissCanuck]

The important factor here is you're recognizing that your professional life and your personal life are out of balance. Now you can take steps to address it. 

My dear cousin failed to do so, and was shocked when the day came that his wife told him she wanted a divorce. Even my cousin's own mother tried to warn him that he was short-changing his family (his then-wife and their daughter), but he didn't really seem to get it until it was too late. 

Their divorce was finalized a couple years ago, and he's with a new partner now. I have noticed that he seems to have found a better balance but it came with a significant cost to his personal life and emotional well-being for a while there. 

 

[Kwothe28]

What is the situation at home?

I am asking because often times we use things as "escapism" from reality. For example, you maybe do it with work, and was probably doing it with alcohol, somebody else does it with things like computer games etc. If things are not good at home, its no wonder you "retreated" to the part of your life where you are actually good at aka work.

[CrazyWife]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

What is the situation at home?

I am asking because often times we use things as "escapism" from reality. For example, you maybe do it with work, and was probably doing it with alcohol, somebody else does it with things like computer games etc. If things are not good at home, its no wonder you "retreated" to the part of your life where you are actually good at aka work.

We have just moved home (I forgot to mention this part!) and away from two nightmare neighbours and work was my refuge. I do find being a parent difficult and can at times feel a failure at it. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

We have just moved home (I forgot to mention this part!) and away from two nightmare neighbours and work was my refuge. I do find being a parent difficult and can at times feel a failure at it. 

I think we all do at times -I mean where's that parenting manual?? Also if  you let yourself look at too much social media you can feel like a failure with all the shoulds and the humble brag photos.  "Oh, another weekend ... another regatta!" (yes true post). 

Often it's the best parents who sometimes feel like failures -obviously  you care a lot! And who the heck knew what was right -parenting wise -during the pandemic?? 

Just like with work -you do you- trust in yourself, have self confidence and really resist the urge to compare.  For example on the unusual days my son gets up while I'm still having my breakfast and coffee (I get up wayyyyy early to get my workout and me time in before my husband and son get up) I tell him - please do your own thing until I'm done with my breakfast (emergencies aside). 

He's 15 and I would have said this a couple of years ago too.  I love that he gets it -he gets that I love him to pieces, he gets that I'm not going to be this "oh I'm allll about you! at your beck and call!" if it's still my me time/pre-coffee.  It means he can take space too.  Obviously when he was 4 or 5 different story. We teach our kids by taking space too - have them feel that core of care and love and see you also caring for yourself and putting your oxygen mask on first sometimes. 

But if I look at social media it's all that silly martyrdom "moms are like the 3 bears -the one whose porridge was always cold" or "oh we have an 8am baseball game followed by shopping for clothes for Spirit Week at school followed by his math enrichment class and tee hee I guess my lunch is a cold brew from starbucks and an energy bar again -oh well!!!" I bet I'm not exaggerating  Don't make it more difficult than it is. 

And I agree with all the others on taking care with work-life balance and please know it's a work in progress -there's no black and white solution IMHO.  I still work on what works for me. Good luck and take care. 

[lostandhurt]

18 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

Yeah as I feel I can also over indulge in food if I am stressed or go back to cigarette smoking too. I need better outlets and just need to balance everything out better

You nailed it right there!!!

 We all could use more balance in our lives, some more than others.

Just like any bad habit or addiction the first step is identifying it and accepting that you have it. Solving it or working on it takes time, sometimes a lot of time.  Please remember you took years to find yourself where you are at so it will take some time to find the balance you seek. You can see the issue and accept it is a real problem which is a huge first step.  

 I have lost sight of what is really important in my life many times but I  always seem to find my way back.  We only have so many days on this earth to live a happy life and I do not want to waste any of it on something that is pretty low on my importance list.

Lost

PS Do you feel like you can fix this yourself or need a skilled therapist?

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Do you feel like you can fix this yourself or need a skilled therapist?

This is something important to consider, and mainly because you wrote this:

21 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

I don't take criticism of my work well at all. Even constructive criticism as dedicate so much to my work. I use it for my self worth I guess. 

I get this. I was an overachiever exactly because of this. I suffered the A+ student syndrome through a good part of my career, and all the way through my Master's degree because I didn't know where the bar was set. So because I would view anything less than an A+ as criticism of my work, I became obsessive about leaping so far over that imaginary bar, there could be no room for a lesser grade.

That was lonely. I saw the people around me relaxed and playful and delivering presentations and submitting work so far below what I believed was acceptable, yet they'd get good grades and still advance along with me. REALLY? Well, doesn't this sound like what you're doing, especially when you take over other peoples work?

A therapist can not only help you with your self esteem bottom line, but you'll have someone to help you review your cut-back plans and hold you accountable to reporting actual progress in this area. You'll also challenge yourself to take private criticism from your therapist and avoid playing "the good patient" who cannot be honest with a therapist just because you're striving to get an A+ in therapy! Instead, you can raise this with the therapist, up front, and ask to be busted on your BS so you can learn how to relax and get real.

Head high, but not too high 🙂

[CrazyWife]

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You nailed it right there!!!

 We all could use more balance in our lives, some more than others.

Just like any bad habit or addiction the first step is identifying it and accepting that you have it. Solving it or working on it takes time, sometimes a lot of time.  Please remember you took years to find yourself where you are at so it will take some time to find the balance you seek. You can see the issue and accept it is a real problem which is a huge first step.  

 I have lost sight of what is really important in my life many times but I  always seem to find my way back.  We only have so many days on this earth to live a happy life and I do not want to waste any of it on something that is pretty low on my importance list.

Lost

PS Do you feel like you can fix this yourself or need a skilled therapist?

Looking at exploring this with a therapist I have went to in the past as I have touched on this before but never fully explored it 

[CrazyWife]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is something important to consider, and mainly because you wrote this:

I get this. I was an overachiever exactly because of this. I suffered the A+ student syndrome through a good part of my career, and all the way through my Master's degree because I didn't know where the bar was set. So because I would view anything less than an A+ as criticism of my work, I became obsessive about leaping so far over that imaginary bar, there could be no room for a lesser grade.

That was lonely. I saw the people around me relaxed and playful and delivering presentations and submitting work so far below what I believed was acceptable, yet they'd get good grades and still advance along with me. REALLY? Well, doesn't this sound like what you're doing, especially when you take over other peoples work?

A therapist can not only help you with your self esteem bottom line, but you'll have someone to help you review your cut-back plans and hold you accountable to reporting actual progress in this area. You'll also challenge yourself to take private criticism from your therapist and avoid playing "the good patient" who cannot be honest with a therapist just because you're striving to get an A+ in therapy! Instead, you can raise this with the therapist, up front, and ask to be busted on your BS so you can learn how to relax and get real.

Head high, but not too high 🙂

I was exactly like that during university and was an A student with only one B to my name. I was crushed when I got that B it may as well have been a F to me! Seen so many just get a passing grade and not care. I done uni work every night and felt bad if I took a day off. 

[yogacat]

So you do know that throwing 110% of yourself into your work is just 10% away from killing yourself for a job that in reality doesn't care about you?

[catfeeder]

31 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

I was exactly like that during university and was an A student with only one B to my name. I was crushed when I got that B it may as well have been a F to me! Seen so many just get a passing grade and not care. I done uni work every night and felt bad if I took a day off. 

Yes, and so you see why, coming from someone who has shared this tendency with you, it's important to unspin this mentality. Not only because it harms your own enjoyment of anything less than perfection, it impacts your time, your focus and your relationships--with co-workers, with your husband, with your children. There is NO 'up' side to it.

If it's useful to wrap this tendency into a predisposition for addiction, you can do that, but that alone does nothing to resolve it for you. As with any addiction, the internal work is the work, the external work is the work, and nothing but doing that specific work can resolve the problem. And this is why I proposed revisiting any mentor, counselor or group that has helped to influence your recovery in the past.

However, the deeper work beyond abstinence of a substance isn't within the same scope. This doesn't imply that the behaviors aren't related (lets call those 'addiction behaviors', 'compulsive behaviors', and 'obsessive behaviors'), but rather, it suggests that 'self medicating' through substances can be interchangeable with compulsive behaviors (currently work) or obsessing over an extreme focus (currently work).

Does any of this sound like stuff that can be effectively 'treated' in a casual, or amateur way--without reaching for trained and professional help?

Depending on your geographic location, the fact that you are working may afford you access to benefits called EAB, 'Employee Assistance Benefits' or something similar. I used such benefits during the aftermath of a hurricane, where I lost my home and all my belongings. It allowed me 3 free confidential sessions with my choice of a therapist listed as approved providers. So I compared that list with one from my insurance company to narrow down providers common to both lists. This was important in case I wanted to continue work with that specific provider.

I hope you will continue to write here if it's helpful, but also because I care about your process and your outcome. Holding you in my thoughts.