Snot Rags to Gemstones: A Story of Friendship

[From_Now_On]

I'm 36 and finally digging in to some harsh past traumas and it sucks. I've been struggling a lot with it because it's not something I can talk about outside of my 1 hour a week therapy. So, basically, I've been eviscerating my sanity for an hour once a week and then having to button back up for the real world. I have a one month old baby so I'm not back to work yet and I have been spending long nights awake with the baby and just sitting with my overactive brain. It's been brutal.

The session before last, I cried in therapy and absent-mindedly crumpled the tissues into the pockets of my coat. I have 2 older kiddos so I only smoke (cigarettes) outside when they're not home or sleeping; I do not want to be a bad influence. While out smoking that first night after therapy last week, I found the tissues and immediately was comforted by squeezing the little crumpled balls of tear soaked snot rags. And yes, I know that's not a sustainable comfort item, but I haven't had the heart to toss them and I've been squeezing them like a stress ball when I'm outside at night, sneaking my smoke. I confessed this to my closest friend today after an "emergency" extra therapy session. I had stopped by her house to steal a quick cig with her. After admitting my tissue stress ball dilemma, I told her I had tried to look online for some sort of replacement item, but I'm so sentimental that nothing felt right. Upon hearing this, she jumped up and went into her little witchy home office and handed me a white worry stone. I was so moved by her thoughtfulness, that I pulled her in for a hug and began to cry a little. However, I'm notorious for my humor and I take pride in being a tough broad, so after a long teary hug, I pulled back and blurted out "Gay!" (I'm not straight, so don't come for me.) She laughed and that helped reset the mood. I laughed about how the little white stone even looked like a tissue and wiped my tears with it before dipping to the bathroom. 

Anyway, her gesture meant so much more than I can express, and I've since been carrying this little stone with me all day. I even napped with it. I've been feeling so overwhelmed with all this digging into old wounds and this is the first time in days that I've felt like i might be able to handle it.

I don't usually ask or expect much of friends or family. I tend to be very self sufficient and independent emotionally. I'd rather make people laugh and have a good time than weigh people down. But, since this friend came back to town (after being out of state for a decade) we have grown even closer than ever and she has been someone I am learning to allow to reciprocate friendship without feeling guilty for imposing. I am very grateful for her.  The last big gift she gave me was her late dad's 12 string guitar, which has been a catalyst for me diving into music again. She goes to almost every open mic I do and encourages me constantly. She is a visual artist, so I've reciprocated the support by buying her a drawing tablet and supporting her endeavors to illustrate a book she was commissioned for recently. I also sent her money to help when her mom recently passed away and she had to fly back out of state to handle that. I've always been the friend to do those things, but not so much the kind that asks for help for myself. She has been teaching me how to lean on someone a little and it is honestly one of the greatest gifts life has given me (aside from my children, of course, whom she adores and has made a point to become a part of their life as well.)

Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to write all this out and express my gratefulness. There is nothing in the world like a true friend. ♡

Side Note: If anyone knows what type of stone this is, I'd be interested to know. 

[Batya33]

Congratulations on your newborn!  You said you don't want to be a bad influence from the smoking -perhaps look into the bad effects on kids especially newborns of second hand smoke- like on your clothing and hands etc? I hope given your situation you have help with the baby.  Please seek out resources.

[Capricorn3]

I think the stone could be white quartz, also known as milk quartz.  It's supposed to help with emotional balance, healing properties, anxiety, brings harmony and relieves stress.   (All that info via my daughter,  she loves the stuff, lol).

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, From_Now_On said:

Gay!" (I'm not straight, so don't come for me.) 

Thats a good one lol

Is it a sperm donor baby? Or do you have a partner? 

Anyway, crying is OK thing to do. If you need to unwind or even have a stress item, go for it. 

I do think its kinda silly to hide when you are smoking though. If you think you are the bad influnce for smoking, then by all means dont smoke. Like this you are kinda preaching one thing and doing the other. 

[boltnrun]

I'm glad you found a source of comfort (the stone and your friend).

As for the smoking, sure, you might not be smoking in front of your kids but you are putting yourself into the position of becoming very sick. EVERY person who smokes ends up with health issues, from COPD to lung cancer. My FIL died of cancer 20 years after he quit smoking! I'm sure you want to be there for your kids, so please consider a method to quit. 

[mylolita]

Evening @From_Now_On!

 

I just wanted to say, you wrote this beautifully. Really; it took me aback. 
 

I’m glad you have a true friend who gets your nuances and quirks! 
 

I too get attached to strange things and find certain things hard to let go if they suddenly acquire some special, magic, personal meaning to me! 
 

All the best, look after yourself and your bambino’s.

 

x

[From_Now_On]

17 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you found a source of comfort (the stone and your friend).

As for the smoking, sure, you might not be smoking in front of your kids but you are putting yourself into the position of becoming very sick. EVERY person who smokes ends up with health issues, from COPD to lung cancer. My FIL died of cancer 20 years after he quit smoking! I'm sure you want to be there for your kids, so please consider a method to quit. 

I'm sorry about your FIL. And you are absolutely right. I have tried and succeeded in quitting many times. Only to end up back at it. I'm struggling right now so it's a go-to vice. I know I'll need to get back off them asap. 

Thanks for your concern. ♡

[From_Now_On]

7 hours ago, mylolita said:

Evening @From_Now_On!

 

I just wanted to say, you wrote this beautifully. Really; it took me aback. 
 

I’m glad you have a true friend who gets your nuances and quirks! 
 

I too get attached to strange things and find certain things hard to let go if they suddenly acquire some special, magic, personal meaning to me! 
 

All the best, look after yourself and your bambino’s.

 

x

♡ thank you for taking the time to leave such a kind message. Always good to be reminded I'm not the only weirdo. 😉 lol ♡

[From_Now_On]

17 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Thats a good one lol

Is it a sperm donor baby? Or do you have a partner? 

Anyway, crying is OK thing to do. If you need to unwind or even have a stress item, go for it. 

I do think its kinda silly to hide when you are smoking though. If you think you are the bad influnce for smoking, then by all means dont smoke. Like this you are kinda preaching one thing and doing the other. 

I'm not preaching anything. If they were to find out or ask me I'd be honest. But I don't think kids need to know every struggle or carry every burden of their parents. I'm not proud of it, (I don't think any smoker is,) and I've quit before and I'm sure I'll figure out a way to quit again. But I'm not a perfect human and addiction isn't an easy thing. 

[From_Now_On]

18 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I think the stone could be white quartz, also known as milk quartz.  It's supposed to help with emotional balance, healing properties, anxiety, brings harmony and relieves stress.   (All that info via my daughter,  she loves the stuff, lol).

 

Thank you! I think she may be right. Looking online it seems to fit.

[From_Now_On]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Congratulations on your newborn!  You said you don't want to be a bad influence from the smoking -perhaps look into the bad effects on kids especially newborns of second hand smoke- like on your clothing and hands etc? I hope given your situation you have help with the baby.  Please seek out resources.

Thank you for your concern. I do wash my hands and remove my jacket before touching the baby after smoking. I am very conscious of second hand smoke. Including keeping my hair away as well.

[catfeeder]

I love your story, FNO, and thank you for writing it here. Congrats on your baby. It sounds like you are doing the kind of work that is not only foundational for you, but in doing so, you're accessing the deep places that will make you a phenomenal and empathetic parent.

I so hope you will continue commenting here. You have a gift.

[From_Now_On]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I love your story, FNO, and thank you for writing it here. Congrats on your baby. It sounds like you are doing the kind of work that is not only foundational for you, but in doing so, you're accessing the deep places that will make you a phenomenal and empathetic parent.

I so hope you will continue commenting here. You have a gift.

Thank you for your comment. The internet can be a mixed bag, so I'm grateful for your encouragement and kindness. ♡

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, From_Now_On said:

I'm sorry about your FIL. And you are absolutely right. I have tried and succeeded in quitting many times. Only to end up back at it. I'm struggling right now so it's a go-to vice. I know I'll need to get back off them asap. 

Thanks for your concern. ♡

If you need motivation, think about not being around to raise your kids or not being alive to attend their weddings or the births of your grandchildren. Don't you think they would want you to be there?

And think about why you need a "go-to vice", especially one that will kill you eventually. If you need a stress reliever, how about walking or running, kickboxing, some sort of artistic activity like crocheting or painting, baking, or anything other than something that will give you cancer or COPD? We all have stress and things that upset us. I choose walking and I am about to start creating art. I don't want to end up in a hospital struggling to breathe!

[From_Now_On]

Those are definitely motivation points i have used to quit before. Unfortunately, there is also a self-injury/punishment element at play that complicates that line of thought. Still, I definitely hear/agree with you. Thank you for your concern.

[boltnrun]

44 minutes ago, From_Now_On said:

there is also a self-injury/punishment element at play that complicates that line of thought.

But do your kids deserve to be "punished"?

The worst thing I could think of (well, the second worst) would have been not being around to raise my kids. Especially since in your case it's self inflicted rather than just bad luck (such as an accident).

Please see a doctor about quitting smoking ASAP. For your kids. 

[LootieTootie]

It's a beautiful stone. I am glad you are unloading in your therapy sessions (thats what they're for) and you have a good friend who can hear you and comfort you -it's very hard to find a good friend!