Should I try to have him back in my life?

[Anita424674]

I (female 33)met this guy (33)a year ago via tinder, he was a tourist in my city for a week. We spend a wonderful week together, he shared a lot with me and opened up (as much as I did), and told me he never been that open with anyone and probably now I know him better than his friends and family.
 

Anyways he left to his country (which is far away from where I live), and I thought that g this  is it and was ready for it. But he kept texting me every day saying that he never felt that happy and I'm the best thing ever happened in his life, we became really close sharing everything with each other every day (texting around 7 h per day - yea back then I did not have a job so lots of free time). All of it lasted around 5 month and then I started wondering where is it going because I kept giving him all my time and energy.

Once we discussed it and he said he was always in relationships(one lasted 6 years, another 5) and now it's the first time he is not in committed relationships and he want it to be like this. But our communication clearly was not "friends one". Anyways at some point I got sick of it because I felt anxious and insecure about what is going on, I physically started to feel bad and told him not to contact me anymore if he is not planning to move to my city (which now I realize probably was a bit too much to ask from a guy who I saw for 5 days).

Anyways I really miss talking to him but at the same time I don't want to find myself at the same place where I was, all anxious about what is going on. He did not reach me out for 5 months (but also I told him if he will keep texting me all the depressing messages about him missing me and not doing a thing to actually see me, | will block him - also probably a bit too much but back then I was really angry).

Once in the morning couple months ago I saw a missed call from him during the night but when I asked if he called he was like oh sorry don't know how it happened and since then I have not heard from him. I really miss talking to him so now I’m doubting should I try to have him back in my life or is i a bad idea?
 

[smackie9]

You did the right thing by cutting him off. You are right it got to a point that it was pointless unless he was interested in relocating to continue the relationship. It was a waste of time. You know what you want and what you need...he wasn't willing to fulfill that so yes it was best to let him go. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Anita424674 said:

. We spend a wonderful week together, 
 sharing everything with each other every day I did not have a job so lots of free time

Sorry this happened. It seems like it was a fun vacation fling. Hopefully you have found a job and started dating local men you can see on a regular basis and form a relationship with. If this guy dialed you by mistake, please delete and block him permanently. 

[Anita424674]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems like it was a fun vacation fling. Hopefully you have found a job and started dating local men you can see on a regular basis and form a relationship with. If this guy dialed you by mistake, please delete and block him permanently. 

Well yeap that what it was I actually did not expect it lasted so long but he kept texting me so I was like oh maybe it’s going anywhere) anyways yeap now I found a job of my dreams and trying to date locals but seems like it was a special connection with this guy so I can’t get over him which is sucks:(

[Andrina]

Well, yeah, it's all fun when it's a vacation fling, because you haven't yet seen a person regularly enough to encounter all the ups, down, and plateaus the average relationship goes through. If it was such a special connection to him, he would have asked/arranged to meet up with you every two or three months to see if you two had longterm possibilities.

To get over him, block him so neither of you can reach out during weak/dry periods. Delete photos and texts, etc. This was a learning experience for you, so now you know hat vacation flings will rarely morph into a forever thing.

Meetup.com groups are less stressful than OLD. Look and see if any good ones exist in your area. Even if you don't meet a particular guy you're interested in at one activity, you can still enjoy the activity and feel good that you're being proactive in eventually finding a love interest. So happy you found a job you love. With effort and when luck's on your side, you'll also find a good man. Take care.

[kim42]

Did you ever discuss the possibility of visiting each other? Was there any plan to see each other? Or was it more like a penpal situation?

For me it would be a red flag if someone told me things like I'm the best thing that happened to him after 5 days.

As to your question, do you want him back in your life just as someone you could text with or do you want more out of this? 

[Anita424674]

13 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Did you ever discuss the possibility of visiting each other? Was there any plan to see each other? Or was it more like a penpal situation?

For me it would be a red flag if someone told me things like I'm the best thing that happened to him after 5 days.

As to your question, do you want him back in your life just as someone you could text with or do you want more out of this? 

Well that’s a thing, he never mentioned that he wound like to see me again that’s why I ended it also and I also told him that, so it was penpal thing I think with online sex involved as well. 
well that’s what I’m trying to figure out myself also - if I just feel lonely in general and want someone to talk to or I want be with him, I guess the last one which is obviously not gonna happen anyways

[Anita424674]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

 

Meetup.com groups are less stressful than OLD. Look and see if any good ones exist in your area. Even if you don't meet a particular guy you're interested in at one activity, you can still enjoy the activity and feel good that you're being proactive in eventually finding a love interest. So happy you found a job you love. With effort and when luck's on your side, you'll also find a good man. Take care.

Yeap I think you are right, I’m actually do go to many meetup events and even tried dating again so I guess I’m on right way, it’s just sometimes when I feel down I really want to talk to him but I guess with 0 actions from his side there is no even point to try

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, Anita424674 said:

Well that’s a thing, he never mentioned that he wound like to see me again that’s why I ended it also and I also told him that, so it was penpal thing I think with online sex involved as well. 
well that’s what I’m trying to figure out myself also - if I just feel lonely in general and want someone to talk to or I want be with him, I guess the last one which is obviously not gonna happen anyways

Did you ever mention that you would like to see him again? How far do you live from each other? If it's too far away then I'd probably let it go.

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Anita424674 said:

Well that’s a thing, he never mentioned that he wound like to see me again that’s why I ended it also and I also told him that, so it was penpal thing I think with online sex involved as well. 
well that’s what I’m trying to figure out myself also - if I just feel lonely in general and want someone to talk to or I want be with him, I guess the last one which is obviously not gonna happen anyways

I agree with Andrina and being lonely is a bad reason to pursue this online guy.  I'm sorry!

[Anita424674]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Did you ever mention that you would like to see him again? How far do you live from each other? If it's too far away then I'd probably let it go.

Well now when you asked I actually realized I did not, I thought it’s way too obvious that I want to. From another hand he does not read my mind. Well he works remotely in Canada and I’m in Portugal, so as for me 300-400€ one way ticket is not a dealbreaker, plus half of Canadian and US graphics designers live in Lisbon now🤣

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Anita424674 said:

Well now when you asked I actually realized I did not, I thought it’s way too obvious that I want to. From another hand he does not read my mind. Well he works remotely in Canada and I’m in Portugal, so as for me 300-400€ one way ticket is not a dealbreaker, plus half of Canadian and US graphics designers live in Lisbon now🤣

Why didn't  you if you felt so strongly?

[Anita424674]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why didn't  you if you felt so strongly?

I actually had this thing - I went through therapy and my therapist told me I am way too active with men and i should not be too initiative to keep them interested so I kinda was afraid to freak him out , I wanted him to take an action, not me as usual 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Anita424674 said:

I actually had this thing - I went through therapy and my therapist told me I am way too active with men and i should not be too initiative to keep them interested so I kinda was afraid to freak him out , I wanted him to take an action, not me as usual 

But if you believe you know him better than his own family how is it too active to ask if he wants to see you in person? That's not active -just plain ole common sense IMO.

[Kwothe28]

You remind me on my friend. She always picks unavailable ones. Last time she met some Polish dude who was in passing in our city. Hooked up and stayed in contact. With the guy who basically just travels the world and has no intention of doing anything with her.

Anyway, even thinking about this guy is a bad idea and shows you are not on a good level for a real relationship. He will never move close to you so there is no point in losing your time there. It just shows that you from some reason tend to pursue something that is not really feasable. And it reflects more on you then on some guy who told you sweet stories and left on his own way.

[Anita424674]

Just now, Batya33 said:

But if you believe you know him better than his own family how is it too active to ask if he wants to see you in person? That's not active -just plain ole common sense IMO.

Well yea I’m struggling these days with the finding what is too much and what is not, so I probably should have bring it up, not giving ultimatums “or you move in Lisbon or *** off”. Anyways that’s why I’m here trying to figure out was it me being too much or he has no interest. Apart of all he is a decent and very nice  guy  (Canada 🤣) so I miss also having him in my life just like a person and even worry about him since he had thus tendency to have depressions

[Anita424674]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You remind me on my friend. She always picks unavailable ones. Last time she met some Polish dude who was in passing in our city. Hooked up and stayed in contact. With the guy who basically just travels the world and has no intention of doing anything with her.

Anyway, even thinking about this guy is a bad idea and shows you are not on a good level for a real relationship. He will never move close to you so there is no point in losing your time there. It just shows that you from some reason tend to pursue something that is not really feasable. And it reflects more on you then on some guy who told you sweet stories and left on his own way.

That’s true, I noticed long time ago that I’m into unavailable man, so when they do become available I even freak out sometimes. I was even thinking that maybe I want him because I can’t have him:(

[Anita424674]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

 

Meetup.com groups are less stressful than OLD. Look and see if any good ones exist in your area. Even if you don't meet a particular guy you're interested in at one activity, you can still enjoy the activity and feel good that you're being proactive in eventually finding a love interest. So happy you found a job you love. With effort and when luck's on your side, you'll also find a good man. Take care.

Yeap I think you are right, I’m actually do go to many meetup events and even tried dating again so I guess I’m on right way, it’s just sometimes when I feel down I really want to talk to him but I guess with 0 actions from his side there is no even point to try

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, Anita424674 said:

Well yea I’m struggling these days with the finding what is too much and what is not, so I probably should have bring it up, not giving ultimatums “or you move in Lisbon or *** off”. Anyways that’s why I’m here trying to figure out was it me being too much or he has no interest. Apart of all he is a decent and very nice  guy  (Canada 🤣) so I miss also having him in my life just like a person and even worry about him since he had thus tendency to have depressions

Have you ever asked a friend to get together ? What’s the struggle? Did you struggle when you had intensely intimate conversations? Online flirting and sex isn’t too much but asking to see him again in person is? I smell a rat. I think you like the safety of hiding behind a screen.  Which is fine but also explains that lonely feeling. 

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, Anita424674 said:

Well yea I’m struggling these days with the finding what is too much and what is not, so I probably should have bring it up, not giving ultimatums “or you move in Lisbon or *** off”. Anyways that’s why I’m here trying to figure out was it me being too much or he has no interest. Apart of all he is a decent and very nice  guy  (Canada 🤣) so I miss also having him in my life just like a person and even worry about him since he had thus tendency to have depressions

Has he asked you to suggest mental health resources or have you suggested any ?

[Anita424674]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Have you ever asked a friend to get together ? What’s the struggle? Did you struggle when you had intensely intimate conversations? Online flirting and sex isn’t too much but asking to see him again in person is? I smell a rat. I think you like the safety of hiding behind a screen.  Which is fine but also explains that lonely feeling. 

Yeap probably you are right, as I said I have this tendency to pick up unavailable guys and dream on after, probably it’s my way to avoid a real relationships. Anyways with this guy I did hope it would be real. As for depression questions he always asked my advices about daily life,  and I always been there for him to talk about his struggles (as much as he did for me),but I’ve never suggested a medication or anything ofc because I’m not a professional, I know he has been seeing therapist before we met and actually this therapist suggested for him not to be in relationships for a while 

[yogacat]

19 minutes ago, Anita424674 said:

I have this tendency to pick up unavailable guys and dream on after, probably it’s my way to avoid a real relationships.

So the takeaway here is that you know that you avoid relationships so make it a point not to get involved with unavailable men.

The reason the long distance relationships that do work out and they end up moving to be together is because both parties make a firm commitment to be together long term and make sacrifices for the success of the relationship.

If you have a tendency to pick unavailable guys and dream about them, it might be best to avoid getting involved with long distance relationships altogether. 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Anita424674 said:

Well now when you asked I actually realized I did not, I thought it’s way too obvious that I want to. From another hand he does not read my mind. Well he works remotely in Canada and I’m in Portugal, so as for me 300-400€ one way ticket is not a dealbreaker, plus half of Canadian and US graphics designers live in Lisbon now🤣

Well if neither of you mentioned making plans to see each other again then maybe you he just assumed that a texting situation was okay for both you.

Since you live on different continents, it might be better to let it go, even if you miss talking to him.

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, Anita424674 said:

Yeap probably you are right, as I said I have this tendency to pick up unavailable guys and dream on after, probably it’s my way to avoid a real relationships. Anyways with this guy I did hope it would be real. As for depression questions he always asked my advices about daily life,  and I always been there for him to talk about his struggles (as much as he did for me),but I’ve never suggested a medication or anything ofc because I’m not a professional, I know he has been seeing therapist before we met and actually this therapist suggested for him not to be in relationships for a while 

“Hope” isn’t enough without consistent and reliable actions to get to know a person in person. You’re not willing to do that and it would burst the fantasy bubble so I’d avoid contact to wean yourself off chasing fantasies 

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Anita424674 said:

Well now when you asked I actually realized I did not, I thought it’s way too obvious that I want to. From another hand he does not read my mind. Well he works remotely in Canada and I’m in Portugal, so as for me 300-400€ one way ticket is not a dealbreaker, plus half of Canadian and US graphics designers live in Lisbon now🤣

Ya because they(Canadians) don't want to pay $16 for a block of cheese!