I don't want to live with my boyfriend/ other issues.

[lilliemay]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

First of all, your views on relationship are different. Its him who wants commitment and to live together. Its you who wants somebody to see casually and think he would just be "a burden".

Second of all, I have almost never seen somebody with so much negative words about their SO. How he doesnt take care of himself, how his finances arent best so maybe he isnt buying stuff for himself, how he isnt independant and barely lives as it is etc. Maybe you are contempt having somebody "servicing you" sexually couple of nights a month so you go along with all of this for 3 years. But you clearly dont like the guy.

I do see what your saying, we don't just see each other on weekends and have sex though sometimes there's none of that because we're tired it's been a long week. We relax and watch films or go out to bowling or cinemas with the kids. Went on holiday last year.

I realise I am so negative about him, because I feel I've let my standards drop to some extent. We're not on the same maturity level most of the time. And I suppose he hasn't changed the way he fully said he would so it makes me annoyed. But I do like him I know it sounds like I don't I really do but I suppose there's a lot of things I don't like 😞 

[Batya33]

You might realize intellectually you can't change him but your actions in nagging /suggesting/criticizing show that you're going to change him around to living in his home the way you think he should no matter what.  Obviously how you choose to live is so important to you so this isn't just nagging about little stuff which is annoying but not as life changing.  And he obviously sees how little respect you have for him and even if some "suggestions" are with loving intentions overall it's not coming across that way. On his end he probably wants to move in so he can stop paying rent and so you can cook for him.  He can find a woman who would like to be with him as he is -that person is not you.

Your way of interacting with this person is not how a mature adult interacts with another adult so you might be more mature in some ways but maybe adopt more of a humility perspective? I'm very sorry you were abused in the past but that's not on him - don't make it someone else's problem (or don't date -date casually or hang out with people so you don't have to face these hard obstacles before getting help on your own)

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, lilliemay said:

 

I realise I am so negative about him, because I feel I've let my standards drop to some extent. We're not on the same maturity level most of the time. 

With all due respect, I don’t think you need high standards for what you are looking for. You are looking for casual companionship. Somebody to have there and not to bother you too much. Which is fine, lots of people want just that. They already experienced relationships, marriage, kids and all and just want someone to be there. But the problem is that you are looking your guy through a prism of a relationship. Which he never was a good candidate for as you have nothing but a pity for the guy. Not a genuine feeling that he could be the one that you want to spend every day with. But just somebody to spend a day or two a week not to feel alone. That is at least what I gather from all of this and “I know lots of relationships that function the same way” sentence from you. Which again is fine if both sides want that. But the guy wants more from you. And you not only never wanted more from him but have a very negative opinion about him in general. In 3,5 years he could have found somebody who would truly want to live with him and even maybe have kids if that is what he wants. But instead he is with somebody who has nothing but contempt for him and pity him and who see him once a week just to pass time. Do you even see the problem there?

[catfeeder]

It’s not ‘wrong’ to feel the way you do. But complaining is not going to change reality. You get to decide whether keeping a man in your life who revolves around you as his only lifeline is good enough for you, or whether you’d prefer to make room for finding someone who is self sufficient and healthy.

[Capricorn3]

13 hours ago, lilliemay said:

 we don't just see each other on weekends and have sex though sometimes there's none of that because we're tired it's been a long week. We relax and watch films or go out to bowling or cinemas with the kids. Went on holiday last year.

OP, what you describe sounds more like friends (with occasional FWB on the side).   I would suggest you sit down and make a list of pros and cons for yourself - see how many pros you have compared to all the cons.  I have a feeling you'll have a very long list of negatives.  That alone should give you an over all picture of where this "relationship" stands.  If HE wants more than just being friends, you're not the woman for him.  TOTALLY incompatible.

Let him go and then live the life you want to - which btw, absolutely nothing wrong with it.  In fact, kudos to you for recognizing that you prefer not living with a man and prefer your own place with your kids.  It might not lend itself well to finding a life partner though, but not everyone needs or wants a life partner anyway.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, lilliemay said:

 he hasn't changed the way he fully said he would so it makes me annoyed. 

Why do you want him to change? It's sad you treat him like a project rather than a person. 

[lilliemay]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why do you want him to change? It's sad you treat him like a project rather than a person. 

It wasn't so much about making him change, it was that when we first met he lived in squalor, his place was really bad so bad I stopped staying. He didn't take care of himself. So this was somthing that needed to change, he told me hed had a hard time in life soni was undersyanding hoping he woukd make improvments in his life. I'm well aware we are completely opposite. He's very opinionated of the world I am not, we are different. We have become closer over the years, its not friends with benefits although I get that's how it seems. I'm just at a place now where I just enjoy being on my own. He's very insecure and paranoid and that puts a strain on things, he's calmed down a lot but it's still there from time to time.

There are positives about him he is helpful he does care a lot for me he he's thoughtful and kind, 

But the negatives are how different we are. The living situation isn't because of him I generally never want to live with a man again and have them in my space messing it up. I like the bed to myself to much now and being able to do my own thing.

So it wasn't about changing him. It was about him realising he needed to work on things if this was going to work. To better his life,  And in 3 years his flat is still the same. Although he's made some changes in himself. 

No cooker, barley any furniture hasn't Been decorated yet. Walking around with holes in his shoes. 

 

I feel as though I'm with someone who's in their early 20s who doesn't care about their self, but he's 30 I'm 33 

Those things are big deals for me as I don't see it as healthy or normal to live the way he does. Not being able to cook for himself. He only goes laundrette cos I have to moan and nag about it as I was washing all his stuff at one point. But obviously these things just aren't important to him and that's fine. But they are to me. 

Isn't a relationship meant to make you a better version of yourself? 

We do and have had some special moments together but there's also a lot of negatives, checking my phone behind my back due to his paranoia. Loads of little bits really. 

[MissCanuck]

You two don't want the same things out of this relationship, though. Him getting his act together and learning to take care of himself is not going to change this. 

You don't want the sort of relationship he wants. That is, fundamentally, the biggest problem. Him being confident and secure and behaving more like an adult won't move the dial in the direction you ultimately want. 

It's way past time to end it. 

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, lilliemay said:

 I was washing all his stuff at one point. 

Why enable him this much? Everything in your post is about fixing and changing him. It's almost like you're on a mission to turn a sows ear into a silk purse. 

[Capricorn3]

OP, After reading all your posts, each one gets worse than the last which makes me struggle to understand why you haven't ended this "relationship" yet? 😕  Why are you still hanging on when it's clear you have zero respect for this guy.  Sounds like you don't even like him at all.  You don't want to live with him, that's fine. You don't have to.  Just let him go already.

[Jaunty]

On 3/6/2024 at 12:13 AM, lilliemay said:

It wasn't so much about making him change, it was that when we first met he lived in squalor, his place was really bad so bad I stopped staying. He didn't take care of himself. So this was somthing that needed to change,

Do you see the contradiction here?  Complete dissonance.  You got together with a man that you say with zero reservations had things that "needed to change."  Your many issues with him are based on all the  things about him that would need to change for it to work well for you.

It's your responsibility to choose a partner or people to date that ARE what you are looking for.  Sure nobody is perfect but this guy / situation?  Why?

[lilliemay]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why enable him this much? Everything in your post is about fixing and changing him. It's almost like you're on a mission to turn a sows ear into a silk purse. 

You're right, it's not my job to fix anyone. I see the good in people and hope they'll make the necessary changes but it never actually happens. That's probably why I've kept myself so at arms length and only see him at weekends. His lack of skills and living conditions bother me. 

[Jaunty]

34 minutes ago, lilliemay said:

You're right, it's not my job to fix anyone. I see the good in people and hope they'll make the necessary changes but it never actually happens. 

I have to remark that this is a very egocentric stance - you seem so  comfortable being the arbiter of what are "necessary changes" others need to make.

Everybody gets to choose their own path in life, including people you are positive "need to change."   

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, lilliemay said:

. I see the good in people and hope they'll make the necessary changes but it never actually happens. 

It's extremely strange that you assume people will change accordingly to your "standards". 

Were you desperate or on the rebound when you met? Why would you embark on trying to fix up what you deem to be a wreck?  

You don't seem to see the good in him except "potential", after a complete overhaul according to your demands. Do you have difficulty finding appropriate compatible men? 

[Seraphim]

It sounds to me like he has executive disfunction issues. My son has major issues with executive disfunction because he has a developmental disability. 
 

You have to realize that most people are doing their best to get through life and maybe what you value they don’t or can’t . They are people too just doing their best in this world. 

[Seraphim]

But if you think everybody’s going to be a major disappointment for you, or a problem, you’re not ready to date yet. 

[Tinydance]

I understand that this is an online forum and you said you are just venting, which is fine. But you actually do come across as nasty. You wrote in one of your comments that you thought the way you want the relationship to be is a "healthy way to be". Actually it's not a healthy way to be but it's simply the way YOU want your "relationship" to be.

Even putting aside everything else you said about him, you don't seem to actually want a relationship. It sounds a lot more like you want something casual/FWB. It's understandable you came out of something long term before and you prefer something more easy going. Sure that's fine but this man very clearly actually wants a serious relationship.

I agree people should have their own life and friends, hobbies, etc. But you are berating this man because after three years he wants to spend more time with you than only one day or couple of days a week? If he's your boyfriend then what is he doing so wrong that he wants to be a part of his girlfriend's life? If you don't actually like him and don't want to be with him (which it sounds like) then don't be with him? Is there someone forcing you to be with him? If not then you are free to end it.

It sounds to me like you want your cake and to eat it too. You want a guy for companionship and sex but only when you feel like it. Otherwise you prefer to just spend time with someone else like your family, friends, or be by yourself. So basically sounds more like it's booty call. That's OK if you want that but you should have been clear and not just say to this guy he's your boyfriend. But yet he's lower on the ladder of importance than basically anything else in your life.

If you don't even want to live with him or have anything serious with him then I don't see why it's your concern if he's not decorating his apartment? I'm not into interior decorating that much either. I put some candles out or a pot plant or odd artwork but that's really all. I'm female by the way. You seem to be expecting that everyone is supposed to be like you - they're not. You said he doesn't do anything like you, clean like you do, etc. He doesn't have to do everything the way you do it or live the way you do. If you want someone exactly like you  - this guy is not it.

You dated him because you pity him  - he's not a homeless puppy. Please take a look at some of the things you've been writing and try to have some introspection. 

[Jaunty]

... and this has been going on for 3 years ... 

 

[Tinydance]

I just wanted to add too that I understand what you're saying that the lack of personal care or care around the home is off putting. In my experience I came across this with a few guys who were long term single and lived alone. In fact I'm late 30's female and I slipped into some of the same habits when I lived alone for eight years. I get that it can be off putting but at the same time, since you don't want to ever live with him then you actually don't really have a right to tell him how he should live in his own home. You would only have a right to that if you did live together and it was your home too.

If you prefer to basically live a separate life then really you can't tell him what to do in his life. E.g. Let's say he's working a low income job, you can't tell him to get a better job as he's not sharing any financial responsibilities with you. You said yourself you're very independent and you want your own space, to live separately and just focus on your own life and kids. That's fine. And you said you want him to have his own life, friends and so on. Well this IS his life and since you want to live as each to their own, he doesn't actually have to change anything for you.

You are really contradicting what you're actually saying because on one hand you say you're your own person and you want him to be his own person. But in reality you only want him to be your pet project that you're moulding to your liking. The way you said: "I don't want a man living with me making a mess". Almost like they're a dog or something! This is a 30-year-old man, he is not a dog, you can't train him as you want. If you don't like him the way he is then you don't have to be with him.

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I just wanted to add too that I understand what you're saying that the lack of personal care or care around the home is off putting. In my experience I came across this with a few guys who were long term single and lived alone. In fact I'm late 30's female and I slipped into some of the same habits when I lived alone for eight years. I get that it can be off putting but at the same time, since you don't want to ever live with him then you actually don't really have a right to tell him how he should live in his own home. You would only have a right to that if you did live together and it was your home too.

If you prefer to basically live a separate life then really you can't tell him what to do in his life. E.g. Let's say he's working a low income job, you can't tell him to get a better job as he's not sharing any financial responsibilities with you. You said yourself you're very independent and you want your own space, to live separately and just focus on your own life and kids. That's fine. And you said you want him to have his own life, friends and so on. Well this IS his life and since you want to live as each to their own, he doesn't actually have to change anything for you.

You are really contradicting what you're actually saying because on one hand you say you're your own person and you want him to be his own person. But in reality you only want him to be your pet project that you're moulding to your liking. The way you said: "I don't want a man living with me making a mess". Almost like they're a dog or something! This is a 30-year-old man, he is not a dog, you can't train him as you want. If you don't like him the way he is then you don't have to be with him.

 

I wouldn't want to live with someone who insisted on being neat as a pin and spending $$$$$ on furniture/interior decorating etc -I simply don't care and wouldn't want us to spend our $ that way to any significant extent.  I have a friend who is constantly buying house stuff -I'll splurge on soft throw blankets, good linens and towels, etc but I use old dishtowels and yes even old underwear as rags to wipe down surfaces and scrub floors too.  I am not neat but I am hygienic to the extent possible - I am cluttered as is my husband (he is much worse!) but I make the beds daily, wipe surfaces down daily and take out garbage etc - but someone who would want a large decorated living space that was neat -we'd likely have major issues.  There are many ways to live appropriately and cleanly.  I don't like the OP's attitude -find it arrogant.

[smackie9]

So why stay? What is it that stops you from finding someone more to your expectations? You feel this is the best you can do? Afraid of change? Being without someone? You seem pretty independent/self sufficient...so what are you actually getting out of this? You keep going around in circles here, dodging in and out of all the advice given. What is it you are looking for?