Am I over reacting

[matthew567]

I agree to what your saying.

Been out with the kids this morning, and I would usually feel like we were always eachothers support group, and re-grouping once the kids are having a nap, but all I want to do is go out, go for a walk or gym.

Can you have a gut feeling about a relationship coming to an end.

She says she's chosen life with me and only wants to have these experiences with me, but I know if I would of said yes at the beginning she would probs be talking to other men now.

This has to be the most confusing time of my life and I feel I deserve so much better, but feels like throwing my family under the bus.

[Andrina]

On 2/11/2024 at 11:09 AM, matthew567 said:

She honestly thought I would be interested, I've been dealing with depression for a couple of months now, it's been horrible, my young boy was in hospital for 2 days on ventilation, and I felt like that has traumatised and he's had bugs on and off since leaving.

You seem to have the average, normal feelings a parent would. And yet with this huge scare with your son and him being regularly sick since then, the thing on her mind is knocking boots with other men? She's not right in the head.

What is hoops? She spends a full 8 hours in a hobby? Who'd she go on the underwater trip with? Sounds like you're the main parent anyway. In your shoes, I'd be freeing myself, then concentrate on getting the children used to a new family dynamic. Then, I'd begin my search for a lovely woman who could love me and my children in the way we're worthy of.

[matthew567]

So hoop is a type of acrobat, kinda feels I don't reginise the person I fell in love with.

She's staying away in April to do a shoot, which is a group thing.

When this came up, she explained it as just like having our excercise classes that we do like me going to the gym, it makes us feel good.

She said she brought this up as it would be a solution to her issues, but then said we were in a good place, she was lonely on maternity, but I think trying to make friends is great, but I think the idea was make friends but have sex with them as well.

Absolutely not where my head was at, I was just riding the bit of a strom I thought it was, but feels like she's added sharks to the storm.

[Andrina]

I'm all for each parent getting a breather for solo time, but her hobby is way too time intensive, and now she's going on a trip when she has two children under the age of 2? Especially when one of your children was not long ago hospitalized? Is she relying on her family to babysit during all this time away from home, or are you being a doormat and letting her have this escape and leaving you with more of the family duties than is reasonable?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

She spends a full 8 hours in a hobby? Who'd she go on the underwater trip with?

My questions exactly. 

By any chance, are there men in this group? 

[matthew567]

I believe a 45year old gay man.

[matthew567]

I'm as much as a parent as she is, and to be honest she does do amazing, but I think ok this occasion she forgot about her family and was to busy thinking of being free from responsibilities and have new romances.

 

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

I think ok this occasion she forgot about her family

You think she literally forgot she had a family?

That's mind boggling.

[matthew567]

I think she got caught up on the podcast, and got a bit excited, yes sometimes I just want to be free for a couple of hours, but not In the way of sleeping with other woman, I like the exclusivity of being in a relationship.

 

It's hard to believe that, that isint what she wants, as that's what she is saying now, but didint think it through, because the thought of me wanting to sleep with people, quote gives her the ick.

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, matthew567 said:

I believe a 45year old gay man.

It makes me wonder if there isn't someone else in this group she's got her eye on. 

The amount of time she spends on this hobby combined with her seemingly-sudden interest in sleeping with other people is a bit convenient. 

[matthew567]

But she dosent want to anymore now 🤔

And part of her bringing this up was because I was a bit low and was just closing myself off for a bit, I was just surviving as a parent so, in sense was not there for her, but this wasn't communicated and the words she used was that she wanted someone who was interested in spending time with her.

We had got use to doing things separately, because of the chuggle, but my head was at home, despite the depression.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

But she dosent want to anymore now

Well, yeah. She realized it was an utterly stupid thing to even suggest and you shot it down. 

Had you not, I am quite sure there's someone she already had in mind who she'd be trying to connect with now. 

[matthew567]

I feel like the only way to have this relationship work now is to open it, otherwise would I be wrong to walk away and take away from it what I can and move on.

 

Any opinions, I just feel differently about her now.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

I feel like the only way to have this relationship work now is to open it, otherwise would I be wrong to walk away and take away from it what I can and move on.

 

Any opinions, I just feel differently about her now.

How would that help it work? You don't want to have her have intercourse or sex with others and you don't want to partake either right?

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

I feel like the only way to have this relationship work now is to open it, otherwise would I be wrong to walk away and take away from it what I can and move on.

 

Any opinions, I just feel differently about her now.

So you are completely fine with the knowledge your wife will be having sex with other men? 

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

I feel like the only way to have this relationship work now is to open it

It wouldn't work though, because it isn't what you truly want. 

If you think it hurts now, just wait until you're lying in bed awake some night wondering when your partner is coming home from having sex with another man. 

22 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

would I be wrong to walk away and take away from it what I can and move on.

You don't need anyone's endorsement to end a relationship you no longer want to be in. 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/3/2024 at 8:47 AM, matthew567 said:

 the words she used was that she wanted someone who was interested in spending time with her.We had got use to doing things separately, because of the chuggle, but my head was at home, despite the depression.

Were you shutting her out? Have you addressed the depression and withdrawal? If you feel indifferent perhaps you can coast along and maintain parenting, living together etc, but while she seeks whatever she needs outside the relationship. You seem open to it. 

[matthew567]

It's just made look at the relationship as this was never the option, I would of never asked, but obviously People enjoy sex men and woman, so I would be nieve to think she wouldent enjoy it, I was upset because she brought it up and the concept was she thought it was something I wanted and obviously she did as well, but I was happy before this and I can't take back that it's happened.

It feels like this month I've almost delt with the grief process of someone telling me they have gone and slept with someone.

Think it worse being in bed not knowing someone true thoughts, so her opening up I guess was a sign of trust and openess to me, but they way she went about it was I felt not the right way.

 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, matthew567 said:

People enjoy sex men and woman, so I would be nieve to think she wouldent enjoy it, I

Not all people enjoy sex with strangers or would dream of oversharing with a partner about wanting to have sex outside the marriage unless it was a dealbreaker -meaning they're gone unless the marriage can include intercourse with others.  Obviously she is a person who would enjoy sex as she described it - it's naive of you to assume she said it because it's typical of all or most people.  I don't think it is.  Do you think people enjoy sex no matter what -that's kind of naive and it's not true. 

It's good she told you she wants to have sex with others so you can plan accordingly - hopefully she told you before she actually cheated.  

[matthew567]

I dont believe she has cheated and that she's been open about it, obviously it's something we both enjoy, I enjoy the exclusivity of it, but her bringing it up, has made me question it, and open to it.

 

No not everyone enjoys sex, some enjoy just having intimate or a emotional connection with someone else.

 

I'm not saying there's a right and wrong way.

People do what makes them happy, obviously this was nothing on my radar as a busy dad and partner.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

I dont believe she has cheated and that she's been open about it, obviously it's something we both enjoy, I enjoy the exclusivity of it, but her bringing it up, has made me question it, and open to it.

 

No not everyone enjoys sex, some enjoy just having intimate or a emotional connection with someone else.

 

I'm not saying there's a right and wrong way.

People do what makes them happy, obviously this was nothing on my radar as a busy dad and partner.

I'm saying not everyone would enjoy sex in the arrangement she is suggesting.  I'm really surprised you'd make that generalization.  There is a right and wrong way - when you're married it's wrong to have sex outside the marriage.  People do what makes them happy -I mean -obviously- and a person who values her marriage is happy acting consistently with marriage vows. A person who does what makes them happy that hurts someone else is also doing something mean and selfish.  Do you teach your kids to do what makes them happy even if it could hurt someone else?

You're really good at rationalizing - that sort of skill won't end up making you happy to the extent you're doing it here.  To be happy I think you have to stop all this rationalizing and be bluntly honest with yourself.

[matthew567]

Yes I agree not everyone wants that, I don't know where I have said that but I don't believe that, I before, this was important to me, exclusivity of being in a monogamous relationship.

Yes my partner was thinking about herself but did express she thought this would be something I would want, because its been very busy and we don't get a break from adulting, parenting and having time for eachother, it's not how I would of raised it and the way she did, I've expressed that it was unfair, I believed there was something up for 3 weeks and she withheld this from me, this idea.

It's feels it has changed the relationship, I do want to be with her and have the future we had planned before this, but it feels as if she has slept with someone, and I feel this change has made me want to now, but as before and reason why I was upset, is that it takes the time away from partner, family and I made these sacrifices when having children, lots of benefits but sacrifices, knowing that some of my needs and wants would have to be set aside, as I've got to there.

She believes in an open marriage and tried basically selling this to me originally, but I thought of the big picture, STDs and other issues that come with it, Jealousy.

[matthew567]

I'm not selling it, I didint want this and would of loved for this all to not happen.

I was happy and content, she claims she was but I don't believe this was the case.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, matthew567 said:

…but I thought of the big picture, STDs and other issues that come with it, Jealousy.

These are not things that go away.

It may be possible to overcome having our ideals blown apart. Time, investment, maybe working with a therapist who is trained to teach couples how to navigate this stuff. But once you cross a certain line that has always mattered to you, and you trash that line and engage beyond it, you can’t take that back.

It’s one thing to say that things really suck right now, but it’s entirely another to say, so I should just lean into that and make them suck even worse. 

[Batya33]

16 hours ago, matthew567 said:

People enjoy sex men and woman,

Yes- this is true for majority of people and there are infinite individual differences related to type/context/timing so this truism has no relevance to her wanting to have intercourse outside the marriage.