Am I over reacting

[matthew567]

Hello guys, struggling at the moment , and though I hope nobody else is going what I'm going through.

I felt like my partner had been acting a bit strange for roughly about 2 weeks, you know that Gut feeling.

We have two beautiful children and a crazy busy life at the moment, 2 under 2, we did that.

So being able to do the things we enjoy helps as our breather, kids were down for a nap and thought I'd go join my partner lying down.

Now out of the blue she brought up if I would be interested in opening the relationship up to have experiences with other people, my head was a bit mush at this point but I didint just want to give a straight answer as I thought she had more to say.

Shed been listening to this podcast about open relationship and "had a notification on fetlife" that someone logged into her account so she went on it just to look at some old stuff she posted as a teenager.

She has said our relationship is to important so it was only if I was interested, I feel like everything has been a lie now, and she acts like because I'm still wanting to talk about it after 5 days, that I'm in wrong.

Would it question where your partners head is at, where in hell would we have time to do this type of stuff with busy family life, work and sports we do.

She said its just like going out for a coffee with a friend, it's just society tell us we can't sleep with other people.

Apologies for any spelling mistakes.

Any help or just reasurence would be great, I have been out to make like I've done something wrong.

 

[Batya33]

It's simple "no I am not comfortable with having an open relationship and it's because of my values not because I am brainwashed by society.  I am happy to go out for coffee with platonic friends and maybe we can hire a babysitter and get to do that child-free even -what do you think?"

Do you think she's burnt out by the kids? (I have been lately -only one teenager -just a lot going on - but no I don't want an open relationship LOL)

[matthew567]

Thanks for responding.

We are both overwhelmed right now, with how busy our lives have gotten and not having the time that we use to, to spend together.

I'm an active farther, so it's not like I sit back and she does everything, I know sometimes it can be the case that mums are not being helped out.

Like for instance, she's doing hoop today 9am-5pm, and then we have atleast 2 activities during the week that we do, like fitness and she does hoop.

And then going away for a nice away for a underwater photoshoot, we makes me happy that she's doing fun stuff.

Its more that I feel betrayed, I wouldent say I'm overall happy at the moment but I show up and not thinking that I'm wanting to experience other people, this is sexually, like all relationships they have challenges so this was a bit of a shock considering that where we have been.

It's left me feeling sad, depressed and the feeling that I actually don't know this person that I'm living with.

So I've reached out to speak with someone for some counseling just to explore and try and settle what I'm feeling.

It's her 30th next week and obviously valentines and I just feel ***, I'm still doing what I had planned before this coming up, just seems a bit distructive.

 

[Thatgirlie]

My best friend has just had an open relationship with her bf and PLS do not go there. Their open relationship lasted for a week and that ended their 4 year relationship. Jealously issues, feelings etc come into play and it never works out. They were about to be engaged too as my best friend told me he was planning on proposing. 

In terms of your situation, having kids and a busy life wouldn’t even enable you guys to have an open relationship. What happens if one person wants to go out leaving the kids with the other parent? That seems unfair and wrong to me. I think you need to tell her you are uncomfortable with the thought and maybe ask her deep down why she wants to even have one in the first place as for an adult with two young children that seems to be the last thing on someone’s mind IMO. 
 

 

[matthew567]

Thanks for responding, I have read that it dosent always work out mostly and that it mostly dosent work out.

She has said forget about it as she thought it was something I would be into, and wouldent want to break the family and supposedly I mean to much to her.

Yes this has made me feel a bit down about myself, especially thinking that your partner is there with you during the hard times being now, she due to go back to work in 2 weeks, its mind numbing where and when she would of and do these things.

It hurt the most that she's been thinking about it for weeks and I've felt that she had been being strange.

Yes I understand to agree that as society we devote ourselves to one person, and that I guess some don't follow suit, just feels a bit poo that she's mentioning this now and I feel I can't do anything about it.

It's like she's done it, so would it make a difference now ?

I'm hoping to see someone next week for some talking therapy because to be honest this has been just hard, and I would be lying if I didint feel hurt as man.

I wouldent be with her if we didint have kids, not after this, I had an amazing idea of proposing, in a memory book saying our story so far, I was going to use that and place on a blank space, our next chapter, we have been together 8 years.

She dosent want to continue if I don't want to get married  which seems just a bit silly.

 

[matthew567]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's simple "no I am not comfortable with having an open relationship and it's because of my values not because I am brainwashed by society.  I am happy to go out for coffee with platonic friends and maybe we can hire a babysitter and get to do that child-free even -what do you think?"

Do you think she's burnt out by the kids? (I have been lately -only one teenager -just a lot going on - but no I don't want an open relationship LOL)

Can I have your frame of mind please.

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's simple "no I am not comfortable with having an open relationship and it's because of my values not because I am brainwashed by society.  I am happy to go out for coffee with platonic friends and maybe we can hire a babysitter and get to do that child-free even -what do you think?"

Do you think she's burnt out by the kids? (I have been lately -only one teenager -just a lot going on - but no I don't want an open relationship LOL)

 

[Batya33]

I'm not sure what you mean by frame of mind.  I gave you my input and hope it was helpful! I'm sorry you're feeling confused and upset.

[matthew567]

Thanks for input 🙂

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, matthew567 said:

I know sometimes it can be the case that mums are not being helped out.

Just to be sure -you're not "helping her out" right? You two are both parents.  Are you both working outside of the home? When you are with your children you are not helping her out -you're being a parent -do you feel like you're helping her out? She may be picking up on that mindset.  My husband helped me out when I was a SAHM by making sure I felt free to hire a cleaning service as much as I wished, by running certain errands I could not because of my SAHM responsibilities, etc.  When he was with our son -which he was as much as possible -he was -parenting.  Not helping me out. Some women might be totally fine with the other parent "helping her" by spending time with his or her kids.  I wouldn't be.

Why would you devote yourself to one person because of some notion of societal pressure? Is that what you or your wife did do you think? I didn't.  I married because I wanted to marry my husband and I also believe in marriage as an institution and love the sort of commitment it entails.  I guess she was  testing you to see your response. 

[matthew567]

Sorry wrong wording, my minds all over the show, I parent, so not a case of helping out but I cook, clean, work all that comes with being a parent which we knew when we decided to have kids.

It's hurt knowing that I've not been myself, and it's left me elsewhere whilst around my kids.

I dont understand this bit Why would you devote yourself to one person because of some notion of societal pressure? 

We are just boyfriend and girlfriend and not married yet, I have not wanted to get married, in general, I love her to bits and I have had no intention of going anywhere.

She very much sees it as going out and doing activities, I can't but feel hurt by this.

Is it normal that I'm upset or do you think I'm over thinking this ? 

[Batya33]

Just now, matthew567 said:

Sorry wrong wording, my minds all over the show, I parent, so not a case of helping out but I cook, clean, work all that comes with being a parent which we knew when we decided to have kids.

It's hurt knowing that I've not been myself, and it's left me elsewhere whilst around my kids.

I dont understand this bit Why would you devote yourself to one person because of some notion of societal pressure? 

We are just boyfriend and girlfriend and not married yet, I have not wanted to get married, in general, I love her to bits and I have had no intention of going anywhere.

She very much sees it as going out and doing activities, I can't but feel hurt by this.

Is it normal that I'm upset or do you think I'm over thinking this ? 

Oh ok so you want an exclusive monogamous relationship and she seems to not want that.  I'd confirm with her if she's done considering non-exclusivity.  If she's not then I'd think about this from the sole perspective of the best interests of the children.

[AshitaNoIppo]

Hello matthew, thank you for replying on my own topic. I'll return the favor.

We had a threesome with my girlfriend 6 months ago after 16 years relationship including 2 kids. She loved it and I did not so we agreed to not do it again. She said many times, before and after that she was sure this experience would not have any impact on our relationship. I said the same.

3 weeks ago, she said she was not sure that she loved me anymore and that she was thinking of other men since the threesome.

So, based on my own experience, the first thing I would advise is to not accept to open the relationship especially if you don't want to (and even if you wanted to, it might be a bad idea...).

Also, I think it's natural to feel bad in such circumstances as you did not expect your partner to make such a request. I believe it's important to know why she proposed it and tell her why you don't want to to it yourself.

In the end, it will partly depends of her answer but I would recommend to trust her when she says your relationship is to important for her to make a move without you agreement. If the issue is deeper than she cares to admit, you will probably catch a few hints over time and have more matter to discuss. Hopefully she knows what she wants and that your relationship really is what matters the most to her.

To put it short, trust her but don't be blind either. Prepare yourself mentally to any possible outcome.

[smackie9]

Some don't realize what they are getting into with raising kids until they are in the thick of it. She's very over whelmed and feeling trapped. That this isn't what she signed up for. Having outside relationships whether it just be emotional is what she wants as an escape. In other words she's thinking of ways to keep the family together as an obligation, but wants different in her life. I urge the both of you to get counselling together because yes she is NOT in the right head space. And it better be quick before there's a decision to walk away.

[matthew567]

Thanks so much for your response, and I agree totally.

She honestly thought I would be interested, I've been dealing with depression for a couple of months now, it's been horrible, my young boy was in hospital for 2 days on ventilation, and I felt like that has traumatised and he's had bugs on and off since leaving.

I cant help but feel insecure about our relationship.

Thanks and I hope your ok and keep strong, im going to speak to a counselor because I have to admit I'm terrible with emotions and getting my thoughts straight.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, matthew567 said:

Thanks so much for your response, and I agree totally.

She honestly thought I would be interested, I've been dealing with depression for a couple of months now, it's been horrible, my young boy was in hospital for 2 days on ventilation, and I felt like that has traumatised and he's had bugs on and off since leaving.

I cant help but feel insecure about our relationship.

Thanks and I hope your ok and keep strong, im going to speak to a counselor because I have to admit I'm terrible with emotions and getting my thoughts straight.

That is a very good plan.  Take care and I hope you feel better.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, matthew567 said:

Shed been listening to this podcast about open relationship and "had a notification on fetlife" that someone logged into her account so she went on it just to look at some old stuff she posted as a teenager.

Sorry this is happening. Did you know about her FetLife account and propensities before you got together and started a life and family? 

Definitely pursue therapy alone and hopefully together. You're both under a lot of stress and to that her recent pregnancies motherhood and turning 30. She seems to want to turn back the clock to more carefree times. 

Please turn this offer down since you're not into it and it's a recipe for disaster. Adding a third party to a problems in relationship regarding sexuality, parenthood, body image, loss of freedom and youth will not bring back "spice" or get you out of a rut.

Hopefully she'll agree to couples counseling. Not that swinging or alternative lifestyles are wrong, but because they're wrong for you and not the terms you agreed on. 

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, matthew567 said:

She honestly thought I would be interested

Bull. Unless you have ever mentioned opening the relationship, I don't believe for a moment she just randomly thought you might like having sex with others. She wants to explore others, but she didn't want to own it so she tried to tell you that she thought you wanted this. Silliness. I hope you don't buy that. 

17 hours ago, matthew567 said:

Shed been listening to this podcast about open relationship and "had a notification on fetlife" that someone logged into her account so she went on it just to look at some old stuff she posted as a teenager.

How did someone else log into her account? I'm sorry, but I think you are looking at more BS from her here. I believe that the more likely story is that she logged in all on her own, either got talking to someone or feeling nostalgic, listened to some podcast to make sense of her own feelings, and then brought it up to you hoping you would give her your blessing to explore someone else. 

The fact that she has now dropped this is good, but you need to be concerned that she's even considering this. Something is going on with her and I do not think it's just about being tired and stressed from parenthood. 

[matthew567]

Thanks so much for your response, and I agree totally.

She honestly thought I would be interested, I've been dealing with depression for a couple of months now, it's been horrible, my young boy was in hospital for 2 days on ventilation, and I felt like that has traumatised and he's had bugs on and off since leaving.

I cant help but feel insecure about our relationship.

Thanks and I hope your ok and keep strong, im going to speak to a counselor because I have to admit I'm terrible with emotions and getting my thoughts straight.

I went through my thought process of it all last night, just explaining that about even getting to know someone, prioritising texting and spending again less time with eachother and investing it in others.

I explained a situation where I would be getting to know someone and going on a date, doing an escape room  which me and my partner love, I said the Jealousy it brings, and all the other trouble open relationships.

I've said about fantasising about me and another guy with her, but not getting to know other people and go on dates, I feel if effort can be made to do, we could use that effort to try and do something together. 

She said she had not thought it all through, and it was just a question, the thing about logging in, someone previously Said trust but don't be blind.

I feel like this mostly has been done because if it was something that was agreed, it's a case of one would be at home whilst the other goes out, I don't like the feeling of leaving the family behind to go on a date and whatever else it intells.

As well as the potential STI's that can bring, condoms yes great, but kissing someone or other stuff, I just can't think what her thought process was.

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

She honestly thought I would be interested, I've been dealing with depression for a couple of months now

No, this still makes no sense to me. Why did she assume opening the relationship would help your depression? I can think of many other suggestions for my depressed partner that have nothing to do with seeing other people. Most partners would understand that, if anything, this would make the depressed person feel even worse. Who wants to hear that their life partner is curious about seeing others? 

27 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

I just can't think what her thought process was

My honest guess? She's already been talking to someone else. I would bet the farm that she has, which is why she even brought this up. She wanted to test the waters and see if she could get your permission to open things up so she doesn't technically cheat. 

 

[matthew567]

I've not been great at opening up about my feelings, but yes she was aware that I was in a bad place, she thought it would open things up, I think she looked at it as a way of us getting out of the house when the kids are in bed, which would relate in less time together, effort going elsewhere, I explained it wasn't where my head was at, its her 30th next week and I was thinking of proposing, but not at that stage now as its kicked me back.

I asked if she had been talking to someone and see showed me her account and in her inbox it was messages from 10 years ago.

Obviously they could of been deleted, but I guess moving forward I have to trust her.

I dont think she was thinking right, as something like this would I feel demolish the relationship.

She said she was only on it for a minute and gringed at things she posted in the past.

I'm going forward and she's said that she felt we were in a very strong place and happy and that's why she brought it up.

[MissCanuck]

I don't know, man. 

It's up tp you, but her story doesn't make any sense. Keep your eyes and ears wide open. 

[matthew567]

All I can do, I appreciate it and keep well.

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, matthew567 said:

've not been great at opening up about my feelings, but yes she was aware that I was in a bad place, she thought it would open things up, I think she looked at it as a way of us getting out of the house when the kids are in bed, which would relate in less time together, effort going elsewhere, I explained it wasn't where my head was at, its her 30th next week and I was thinking of proposing, but not at that stage now as its kicked me back.

Again bull.  Do you think any therapist treating you for depression would suggest getting out of the house to get inside someone else's body while your wife watched then switch it up??? It's also common sense "oh you're so cooped up because of the kids and sad so how about I show you how happy I can be with some other man ogling my lady parts??" Please.  It's like my older sister who used to get me bday presents when we were teenagers.... that she actually wanted LOL.  

[matthew567]

It wasn't something she wanted to do together, she was looking at doing it separately, and has the mind set that it's just like going out to do activities like going to the gym, saying it makes us feel good about ourselves, it's just society says we don't go and sleep with other people.

 

I've said that I don't agree with this outlook, and with not having much time for eachother anyway, I explained about finding time to talk to other people, build up reports and flirt and plan to meet these people.

We have two young kids, it's crazy, the Jealousy that would bring to the relationship, it wasn't where my head was at, but I know where hers was.

Trying to move forward but time will tell, can't really imagine being together forever now.

[Batya33]

Just now, matthew567 said:

it's just society says we don't go and sleep with other people.

OK how did you not laugh in her face about this comment -you obviously showed great restraint.  I would have said that to any man where I felt too cowardly to tell him I wasn't into him LOL.