AshitaNoIppo

Small recap: 16 years together 2 kids A co-owned flat I had the utmost trust in our relationship at this point First threesome experience last november to have fun but apparently opened the door in her mind that maybe there are other men around who could make her happier We have always wanted to marry during these 16 years but money was an issue until not long ago. I proposed her in december (completely unrelated to the threesome, I planned it for months long before) She said yes but then suddenly 3 weeks ago she said: I'm not sure I love you, not sure I want to marry, I'm thinking of other men 2 weeks ago she said: I was confused, I love you, I want to marry 1 week ago she said: I'm not sure I love you, not sure I want to marry, I'm thinking of other men This morning: I love you, I want to marry, I want to live my life with you My own gut feeling: She does not know what she wants. My trust in our relationship is low. I love her anyway and still want to marry. She is looking for the perfect magical wedding that cannot happen and will probably be disappointed for XYZ reasons What do you think would be the best ways to deal with this situation from now on?

If we don't marry as planned I will feel she does not love me and I don't see how our relationship could go on. Except for that, I agreed to accomodate on everything. If marrying as planned is an impossible ultimatum we better end our relationship now. So... We had a chat this morning. She said she loves me, she wants to marry and that she will not change her mind. She wants to change few things regarding the wedding. I agree for changes but I have a deep feeling that she wants some kind of magical wedding. I told her that if only perfection can satisfy her she will be disappointed in every case and I encouraged her to focus on the good things that will happen instead of the perfect things that may not happen. She seems to give it some consideration.

What do you mean exactly?

I have no Idea what you mean by being more honest with myself. Also, people are allowed to have doubts and change of heart. During these 16 years there were time where I had doubts about my love for her myself. It's bound to happen when you stay so long with someone.

It's just important to stay clear.

Thanks, I think it's 50/50 now. Either we break up or we marry. She told me today that she misses me, she wants physical contact and she is feeling bad. She asked me what she can do to make me feel better. I told her to clear her mind and decides if she wants to spend her life with me or not. She did not reply. I'm looking at her right now and she is sleeping like a baby which gives me the feeling that it's settled. I expect her to go for a breakup or pushes me to breakup.

No that was not my point. Please read carefully. My point is that you wrote she did not say yes and this is literally false, that was my point.

I believe it would be unwise to take such a décision so quickly after 16 years together. I'm currently willing to take the risk because I love her. It's her call now.

You said that she did not say yes but she did. That was my point.

I know it can be difficult to understand the subtelty. I do trust her. I don't trust our relationship.

She said yes but is not sure anymore.

Someone asked me why I proposed her after 16 years and not earlier. So I explained that we always wanted to marry but we were waiting for more money for the wedding. Marrying was definitely not my priority so far.

I agree, except I doubt I will wait 2 months. She has to take a decision quicker...

Sure but I acted on it since I proposed her

Exactly what I'm thinking. Up to this point, even if she changes her mind again, we marry, and everything goes fine, it will take years for me to trust again our relationship as much as I trusted it a month ago. But I love her so I'm willing to accept.

No idea why you say that wanting to marry is meaningless. What's your point anyway?

Sure, marrying was not a life or death situation. I think she wanted to marry way more than I did, but I wanted to add financial protection on her especially as her income was quite low back then. Also, her income grew significantly a year ago as she changed her job and she also received part of my money because I refunded our flat and she owns a part of it.

Yes but it depends on how long we were married.

I just don't like dancing. I'm introverted but not shy. I have accepted to dance at the wedding finally but honestly I believe it was a bad idea. I don't see how dancing in such circumstances, after all this can be a pleasant experience, including for her. Also since she knew I don't like it I would have prefered if she did not push on it even if it was important to her. I start to believe dancing was not this important to her because my acceptance of dancing seems to have changed nothing in her mind which reinforce my feelings that it was just a "symptom" of her not loving me anymore. I think I'm more waiting for the wedding rather than pushing for it. We have been together 16 years and always wanted to marry. When I proposed 3 months ago she said it was one of the happiest day of her life. She told her family and all her friends. 3 weeks ago she said: I'm not sure I want to marry anymore, not sure I love you anymore, I'm thinking of other men 2 weeks ago she said: ok I changed my mind I love you I know you are the man I need, I was just confused 1 week ago: finally I'm not sure I want to marry, not sure I love you, I'm thinking of other men. To me, If we don't marry, it will be the sign that she does not want to spend her life with me. In this case, even if I do love her, I believe it would be better to end the relationship. I don't see any world where we would stay together after cancelling the marriage as if nothing happened.

No... I have seen her dance only once in 16 years and she mentionned dancing maybe 10 times overall during these years. It looks very trivial to me. She said today that she does not want to leave me but I feel she puts me in a situation where I should leave her. I don't feel this relationship would be good anymore if we cancel the weddings, whatever the reasons would be.

Thanks. In French, the word "mariage" can be used both for the wedding party and the state of the relationship after wedding. Here, I was indeed talking about the wedding party.

I'm not a native english and I don't understand the difference, please explain. I had another quick chat with her. She said she loves me but discussed 4 things that she is missing in our relationship: Not enough affection demonstration in public: I don't want to change on this, I'm uncomfortable doing it Not enough affection in private: It would be a pleasure to give her more No dancing: I hate dancing but I agreed to do it for the marriage Marriage organization not to her liking: I don't have more details yet I just said that I'm open to discuss and update things to her liking up to a certain limit. Now I'm thinking... While all these reasons are valid, they look quite small to me compared to 16 years together and 2 kids. First option: I completely underestimate the importance of these things to her Second option: as someone already said here, the issue is deeper. She has a gut feeling that she does not want to spend her whole life with me and these reasons are just symptoms. My own gut feeling now: when I told her that we may be going to the end of our relationship, she did not display any strong emotion. It gave me the feeling this is what she wants and is just giving time and reasons to make it happen not too suddenly. Maybe she is even trying to push me to end the relationship myself so she does not have to do it. Unfortunately, I think the second option is the most likely.

As I told you, the "pension redistribution" can only be achieved through marriage. There are other ways to protect someone but It just make sense to add all the possible ways to have the best protection possible. To explain it simply (with numbers given just as an example) it's best to have $2000 than $1000. Yes, this is exactly why I'm discussing this topic here. Well... Not for the money or even the marriage, but the possible end to our relationship.

I would have been ok for $1,500 but here she wanted something more around $10,000 and we did not have the money back then. Now we do. Your comment about the attorney and sister is weird.

To me, the purpose of the marriage was financial mostly. I also wanted her to be happy. I have always told her that I was ok to marry her but I did not want to spend too much money on it. We were always able to pay the bills but not much more. Recently, I received a lot of money and paying for the marriage she wants looks reasonable now. She does not want to go only for the legal steps. She does not even seem to care about this part. She is stressing herself alone. Her family does not put any pressure. We always agreed for marriage, for different reasons and with a different organization (where money was an important part of the discussion) but in the end, we loved each other and wanted to marry. We were waiting for the right moment.