Hello,
I wanted to make the long story short but I can't. First, the context:
I'm a man, I have been with my girlfriends for 16 years
We have 2 kids, 9 and 5
Money wise, if we breakup, I'll end up fine and she may struggle a bit but she should be okey. I gave her a lot of money over the years as my income was 3 times her income
I proposed her for a mariage 6 months ago and she agreed. She said it was one of the happiest day of her life and she felt that she was "complete"
She tends to be very stressed whenever we are meeting with her family, especially when we organize things. She becomes very disrespectful to me when her family is coming home
In fact, whenever she is stressed (job issue, friends issue, family issue, whatever...), she becomes terrible to me. Like very toxic
In November, we had a threesome with a guy who had experience doing it (it was our first time). We met him for this sole purpose and will never meet him again. It was mostly my idea at first but she was happy with this idea. She said it was a great experience and all and she wanted to do it again with the same guy or other guys. However, I did not enjoyed so we agreed to leave it as a one time experience.
In December we had a strong argument as her family came for christmas. It was painful but nothing unusual. I told her I don't want anyone to come and visit us anymore as it stresses her and make her disrespectful towards me
Then:
3 weeks ago, she told me she does not know if she loves me anymore. She was not sure she wanted to marry me. She was now thinking about other men since the threesome. (I believed our relationship was stronger than this but if not, it may be a sign that we should break up?)
I tried to understand what was the issue but her answer was unclear. According to her, there are things that I could do better but overall she thinks I'm amazing, she knows I love her, she believes she will never find someone better and who will take care of her better than me. That's what she said.
She told me she is very stressed by the mariage but she does not know why
I gave her a week to think about it and see if she wanted to stay with me. After a week she said she was sure she wanted to marry me and that she loved me
Time went on and it turns out I'm the only one taking care of the mariage organization. She complies with my requests such as inviting X or Y person, buying rings but does not show any initiative or hint of wanting it and it makes me worried.
Few things about our mariage plan:
35 people (friends and family)
Nothing religious, we plan to get married at the townhall (we live in France in any case it matters) and invite everyone to a nice restaurant then we go back home early around 6 PM
I'm introverted, she wants to dance and I don't. She wants me to show affection in public, she wants people to see that I love her, but this makes me uncomfortable and apparently it's quite an issue for her.
I think she has always dreamed about some kind of magical mariage since her childhood with a perfect prince on a white horse that would do everything she wants and turns her mariage to the best day of her life. (I told her about this hypothesis and she confirmed it might be partially true)
She is afraid that be people will get bored at the mariage. I told her it will be a short event (for a mariage) so it should be fine. Also, I told her It's our day, not everyone else's day. People will eat for free in a nice place and just spend time together chatting
Yesterday I told her about my feelings. That I wanted her to be a bit more involved in the mariage organization. She answered that:
she loves me but she is not sure she wants to get married.
She is stressed but she does not know why. She does not know how to solve her stress.
There are things she would like me to do but she does not want to tell me because if I'm not doing it on my own then it's not working for her and on the other side she does not want me to feel forced.
Whenever we have a chat on the topic, it's extremely painful. She cries. I have to find the most diplomatic way to help her so she can speak a few words and then I try to understand what she feels/thinks/wants but in the end I just can't.
3 weeks ago, I was sad and worried. I did everything I could to have her express her feelings without hurting her in any way, regardless of my own negative feelings.
Now I feel stronger and determined. I love her but I don't want to suffer. We have 2 kids, we have been together for 16 years. If she does not want to marry me... To me, it rings the bell of the end of our relationship. If we don't marry, I will never trust our relationship anymore. If we do marry... I'll still be worried but I'll give it enough time to see how things go.
I may be wrong, but I feel she does not pay attention to my feelings.
I'm ready to end this relationship. I start to believe she wants it to end but is afraid of the consequences (loneliness, moneraty issues, our kids going through all that... Also she knows I love her and will take care of her but I believe she might be thinking I'm good but not as good as the perfect prince she has dreamed of since her childhood). I don't want to marry a woman who is unsure if she wants to marry me.
I don't have anyone I can discuss this situation with so I'm here... What do you think?
Thank you for reading so far and to anyone who will take time to answer.
