AshitaNoIppo

Money is important when planning a wedding. Only a marriage can provide the financial protection that I'm looking for her as explained above. Cancelling the mariage or postponing is not the solution because the issue is deeper than just a disagreement on the reason for marriage or marriage organization.

To propose for marriage? I recently received a lot of money, enough to pay for the marriage she wished for. Nothing luxurious but it still a lot of money.

Unless she has excellent reasons to provide, which is not the case currently, I would assume that she would be planning a breakup anytime later in any case, so I would not be happy anymore in such a relationship. In this case, the breakup would be instantaneous as I would be unable to trust our relationship anymore. Of course, we have kids and a flat so it would require time to organize it correctly.

Yes of course, there are many ways to help secure my family's financially future. But this very specific pension redistribution is only through marriage. It was also a way to achieve automatically other kind of protection that can be achieved by other means anyway, as you said. This was my reason for proposing at first. Now, it's irrelevant to the current situation: if she does not love me anymore I think we should breakup. If she loves me but does not want to marry me suddenly and do not know why... There is something to discuss. As said by someone else on this topic, maybe she has a kind of gut feeling to not marry because deep inside she does not love me anymore but can't admit it herself. To make it short, the reasons for proposing the marriage are unrelated to the reasons for putting an end to the relationship in case of mariage cancellation. My reasons for proposing marriage: financial protection for her, making her happy as well as our kids Our reasons for potentially breaking up: she may not love me anymore. The marriage cancellation would not be the reason for breaking up but a symptom of the reason. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify this point.

Non it does not work like this here. To give you more détails, in France we have something called 'pension redistribution'. The effect is as follow: if a partner die, the other receives a portion of the money that was due during retirement. Only marriage can provide this protection.

Well for me, mariage was a way to protect her financially. The proof of love was 2 kids and 16 years together. In France, I'll stay short on this topic, being married adds responsibilty but also brings a couple of protection from French state in case one of the partner die for exemple. For her, mariage is a proof of love. If she wants to postpone or cancel the mariage because she doubts her love for me I think we should breakup immediately. One of the pillar of my love for her was how strong our relationship was. This pillar is fractured but not broken. If her doubts are strong enough to cancel/postpone I can't just stay with her as if everything was normal. This pillar would be broken. I need to put distance now. Not to punish her but I don't even know if she would like any physical contact with me anymore and even if she wanted to, it would feel akward to me, given the situation. Also if I don't put distance now and she finally decides to breakup, it will make it harder for me. I love her but I need to protect myself.

I told her one more time that even if her doubts hurt me, I love her and I agree to wait for her decision. I added that given the circonstances I am going to be more distant than usual. I know it's not going to help but I need it for my own sake. In any case, she cannot just wait forever as the wedding is due in a bit less than 4 months now.

I think it makes sense. I was convinced our relationship was stronger than that but apparently I was wrong. I asked her if she was thinking of other men randomly or if there was a specific men around her that I was not aware of. She said there is no one specific. It looks weird to me given how strong her doubts seem to be. I asked her yesterday if she was hiding anything from me and she replied no. My trust in both her and our relationship is quickly decreasing day by day now...

Thanks, We both had short relationships before that, we met during college. We are both close to forty. Mariage is juste a piece of paper to me but if she wants to hold it then it means the end of our relationship in m'y mind. The clock is ticking actually, the mariage is already planned in June. We invited everyone we wanted to. We have not paid anything yet. She has time to think about it but we cannot wait forever. I think she is just in some sort of confused period but given the mariage bound to happen in few months, it becomes a tuning point in our relationship. She did not feel guilty about the threesome because I agreed to. She feels guilty about thinking of other men because she thinks she is kind of betraying me. Also it may be a consequence of the threesome and she said it would not impact our relationship but in fact maybe it does which makes her feel guilty.

I'm not sure what you meant for the first part. Do you mean that she always has to tell me what to clean/prepare when her family is coming over? If yes, then no. We may have chat where I would eventually ask her what I can do to help her the most but I'm also quite active in taking initiative. From the second part I see that you misunderstood the situation. I always told her that I wanted to marry her, but we never really were on the same ground. Now, we have enough money to do what she wants or a big part of it. This is why I proposed her. I don't know what PDA is, I think you are referring to demonstration of affection in public? If yes, I doubt she expected me to change but who knows. We had a threesome for both of us. I was curious and she wanted sex. It was with a male that was here exclusively to please her, not me. I'm straight. I did not get jealous, I was happy for her she had a good time and could have this experience but I did not want to do it again because on my side, I did not enjoy it. She said that she wanted to do it again, eventually with more men and also try with a girl but she also said that she would respect my choice and that it would not impact our relationship. (I'm thinking now that in fact maybe it does impact) So I tried to tell her what I wrote earlier. Something along the line that I think if she was really in love with me I don't see why she has doubt to marry me and maybe she is lying to herself when saying that she loves me. She paused for a moment then started to cry and said she did not know what to answer. I told her that I don't want to pressure her but I don't want to stay in a relationship not knowing how my partner feel about it so I would like her to put active efforts into trying to find her real answer deep inside. I proposed counselling but she wants to talk to one of her relative first. I agreed and ask her to not wait too long because the situation is not easy for any of us. She tends to always push things to do to the next day so I'm afraid that she may not actively try to find her answer and just stay like this with her doubts. I may need to insist and this may annoy her and make the situation worse. Also I don't want to stay too long in such situation so... I don't know what to do. I'll wait few days, maybe a week and see... I'll welcome any advice/opinion. Thanks to all of you.

Thanks. To me if she wants to hold or not marry, it's the end of our relationship. I just could not trust our relationship anymore after that. Maybe this in itself put pressure on her... So it would help to understand why she has these doubts.

Thank actually what you say is very accurate. Regarding the sharing, I think it's just a state of mind, what you would do or not does not mean doing differently would not work out for others (well we are not the best example here but you get my point). And yes indeed she usually blames me for not doing enough planning/cleaning when we invite people. However, on my side, I believe I'm doing a lot. But really, whatever happens, I'm never doing good enough when her family is around, be it not enough cleaning, not enough chatting, not enough demonstration of affection, not enough this or that. Once, her own sister told her that she was very disrespectful to me.

It's not an ultimatum (or blackmail as suggested by "Wiseman2") because I'm not trying to get anything for "me" here. Just trying to understand what she feels/thinks and trying to help her find out herself so it will provide something for "us". I feel that she is lost and does not know what she wants or feels anymore. I want to help her to clarify it. If it means that she does not love me anymore, then be it. I'll accept it. If she wants to stay with me, this is ok too. However I don't want to stay in a blurry relationship where I'm always worried that my partner does not love me anymore and may ask for a break up the next day. I believe that given our circumstances, if she was in love with me, then she "should" be happy to marry me. If she is not happy to marry me, then what are the reasons? I'd like to know. I definitely not want to put any pressure on her. Also I don't blame her for anything. I believe that people can love someone then not love him anymore and I tried my best to reassure her on this kind of topic. I know I'm giving tons of information and it may be quite complex to follow but don't just read a sentence or part of a sentence without any context because I feel it leads you to misunderstanding. I think I'd like to go for counselling because maybe I'm just unable to help her but some kind of professional could. However she does not seem to be fond of this idea. It seems like she wants to stay like this with me and keep her doubts forever even after the marriage. Also, she does trust me and she knows I'm always doing my best to make her feel happy and safe. So if I was saying something as "If you love me you should be happy marrying me" she would just know I'm saying it as a thought and not in an aggressive way as if I was trying to control her or something like this.

Thanks for your input. I think, if she loves me as she says, it does not make sense to have doubts about marrying me after 16 years, 2 kids and a flat. Especially when she has always wanted to marry until 3 weeks ago. So I'm wondering if she is not trying to convince herself that she still loves me because it would make her life way easier. I would not be happy but I'm ready to end the relationship if she wants to. However I'm thinking maybe she is just stressed by the marriage, which leads her to doubt she wants to marry and ending the relationship now would be too early. Also I don't want to continue this relationship if we don't marry. It's a difficult topic to discuss with her. She says she does not know why she doubts. Maybe I can tell her the following "If you love me you should be happy marrying me. If you have doubts I'm thinking of two potential reasons why. Either you don't love me anymore but you are lying to yourself because it's easier or you are just very stressed by the marriage and needs to find a way to relieve or accept this stress. If you don't put effort into solving this situation I think it's likely because the first reason is the correct one. I propose to look for counselling before marrying as I think it could help to clarify our situation.". What do you think?

Thank for your time. I understand trying to follow the whole situation might be complex. The threesome was not an attempt to solve any kind of issue. We were very happy. It was just trying a new experience.

Thanks for discussing this topic so clearly. She says she does not want to leave me for other men but she finds other men attractive and feel guilty about it as if she was cheating on me on an intellectual level. She thinks it's not normal to think about other men when she is supposed to marry me in few months. I tried to reassure her by telling her this is only natural to find other person attractive. In my mind, if we cancel the marriage, I think I'd prefer to stop the relationship there. I would not feel safe/happy in this relationship anymore. I'd prefer to marry but have doubts about our love once in a while.

I did not make any list of major issues. It's an issue when it happens but it's managable. I'm with her because I love her and I like to spend time with her. Also we built so much together, this in itself matters a lot. I'm thinking about the kids here. Since the first time she expressed doubts 3 weeks ago she took time to think and now says that: She loves me She likes to spend time with me But on my side I can see she is not invested at all in the marriage organization. So I told her I'd like her to be more involved. She said she was very stressed by the marriage and was not sure she still wants to marry. She also says she does not know why she is stressed.

I'm going to quote myself. Here what I wrote: First message: in fact, whenever she is stressed (job issue, friends issue, family issue, whatever...), she becomes terrible to me. Like very toxic 19 hours ago: she has been toxic. To clarify, most of the time she is ok and respectful towards me but whenever she is stressed she kind of relieves her stress on me and start to be toxic. It rarely happens. 27 minutes ago: she tends to be toxic to me when she is stressed So no, I'm not backpedaling. My explanations continue on the same line from starts.

The threesome was my idea mostly. It started as a joke then we went on seriously. Ultimately, I proposed and organized it but she was quite pleased with the idea. She would like to try with a girl as well (+ me) and I'm ok for it but not now. The threesome did not happen because anything felt negative in our relationship. It was just kind of trying a new experience. I was curious to try it but I really did not know how I would feel. I only learnt my feelings while doing it. It was not terrible but I did not enjoy it either. She says she loves me but I'm confused why she has doubts about marriage... I think it's only natural to "think" about other men. I myself think about other women once in a while. Apparently she believes that thinking of other men is almost like cheating on me and she seems to feel guilty. I told her it's just normal human feelings and it's fine as long as we don't lie to each other.

Most of the time, we are having a good time. Once in a while, she is stressed by something and relieve her stress by being toxic towards me. It rarely happens but I don't accept it when it happens so it leads to arguments.

It's related to money. It's been years that we wanted to marry but money used to be an issue. We always had enough to pay the bills but not enough to pay for a marriage. This changed 6 months ago. Also we don't have the same kind of marriage wishes: I want something cheap and fast at the townhall. To me, a marriage is a way to officialize our union to the French state as it will provide more financial protection to her if something happens to me. The true testament of our love is having 2 kids, purchasing a flat, spending 16 years together. A marriage is just a piece of paper. I think she wants something that prove to everyone in the word that we are in love. A magical moment where she will show her family how happy she is with a fantastic husband (maybe a husband better than me, someone that dance and display affection in public to her). Since we have more money now, we found an agreement where we dress properly, buy ok quality marriage ring, invite about 35 people but nothing too luxurious. I gave thoughts to it and here what I'm thinking currently: As expected, yesterday she did not come back to me with the result of her thinking process regarding what may stresses her. I'm not the magical husband she wants but she knows I'm fine, I'm providing a lot to her and not just financially speaking Having doubts happens. To be fair, I do love her today but there were times in the past where I would have left her if not for the kids or the flat we bought together On a daily basis, we are having a good time. We almost never have arguments, we both like to spend time together She is stressed by the marriage and, unfortunately, does not seem to be doing anything to solve her stress So my conclusion is maybe the best option is to go as is. I continue to organize the marriage alone, she continues to stress. It may even lead to a crappy mariage event as she tends to be toxic to me when she is stressed then we get back to our regular life together where maybe she does not love me anymore, or maybe she does but overall we are still both having a good time together and love as its up and down over years. On my side, I will protect myself financially and emotionally. If she leaves me, I want to be prepared. It does not look like the happiest relationship I was looking for but I believe I can go with it. What do you think?

I proposed it to her yesterday. She said she did not know if she wanted counselling. I asked her to think about it and come again to me with more information today based on the result of her thinking process. But she is not reliable on such things. I'm sure she will not come back to me. I'll have to do it and it might annoyes her... I'm also thinking that if she does not put efforts to relieve her stress maybe I should not push her either and just end the relationship there...

She has been toxic. To clarify, most of the time she is ok and respectful towards me but whenever she is stressed she kind of relieves her stress on me and start to be toxic. It rarely happens. She claims she does not know why she is not sure she wants to marry me. Maybe in fact she does not dare to admit the reasons? I don't know, it's quite difficult to understand her.

Hello matthew, thank you for replying on my own topic. I'll return the favor. We had a threesome with my girlfriend 6 months ago after 16 years relationship including 2 kids. She loved it and I did not so we agreed to not do it again. She said many times, before and after that she was sure this experience would not have any impact on our relationship. I said the same. 3 weeks ago, she said she was not sure that she loved me anymore and that she was thinking of other men since the threesome. So, based on my own experience, the first thing I would advise is to not accept to open the relationship especially if you don't want to (and even if you wanted to, it might be a bad idea...). Also, I think it's natural to feel bad in such circumstances as you did not expect your partner to make such a request. I believe it's important to know why she proposed it and tell her why you don't want to to it yourself. In the end, it will partly depends of her answer but I would recommend to trust her when she says your relationship is to important for her to make a move without you agreement. If the issue is deeper than she cares to admit, you will probably catch a few hints over time and have more matter to discuss. Hopefully she knows what she wants and that your relationship really is what matters the most to her. To put it short, trust her but don't be blind either. Prepare yourself mentally to any possible outcome.

I believe it's best for kids to have both their parents together so if I was completely ignoring my girlfriend's feelings as well as mine I would just act as if there was no issue, organize everything required for the mariage alone if I have to and make it happen.