Am I over reacting

[boltnrun]

If she likes sex so much she could have a lot of it with, you know, YOU. The man she married and made vows to.

[matthew567]

Hi just curious, I sometimes struggle with figuring my head out.

so I just went for a small walk last night, after putting the kids down to bed, I was in the bathroom with my Partner, I brushed my teeth and said love you and said I was going for a small walk, it had been a busy day with the kids, my partner was doing Yoga so thought it would be good for me to get some fresh air and just a bit of alone time.

 When I got back she was suspicious and asked me if I had gone for a walk, and the reason I brushed my teeth, I explained my reason.

From what went on a couple of months ago, I've given no reason to be anxious with me cheating, as I've said to her if anybody was going to cheat it would be her, as she suggested possibly opening the relationship.

But it's like her asking that question has made her anxious, I'm just curious on how to help her, as I feel nobody can just go on like this, eating away at your mind, and I want it to work, I do love her and our family, it's just a bit confusing and she states that it was still a mistake, but I just have a feeling it will be brought up again in the future.

Breaking up is not an option, just wondering what I could do, I'm going to give her more reasurence but it does brings things up when she's anxious about me when I was the one that wasn't interested in sleeping, having other partners.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, matthew567 said:

just wondering what I could do

Nothng. She is the one with the problem, not you.

1 minute ago, matthew567 said:

I was the one that wasn't interested in sleeping, having other partners.

Exactly. She is projecting, because she knows she still wants to have sex with other people. And she's worried you do, too. 

Unfortunately, you can expect a lot more of this since the original problem that brought you here was never really resolved. I don't think there is anything more you can do. You made a choice to stay with her despite knowing she is not really on the same page as you anymore. 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, matthew567 said:

I'm just curious on how to help her, as I feel nobody can just go on like this, eating away at your mind, and I want it to work, I do love her and our family,

Have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe let a professional provide some guardrails and teach you both how to work through this.

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, matthew567 said:

But it's like her asking that question has made her anxious, I'm just curious on how to help her,

This statement is very telling, how you always put yourself last. You might feel like you're a White Knight and it's a correct role for you, but in fact, you're feeding into her bullying mentality, proving your lack of self esteem and her view that you don't deserve respect. 

What you should be feeling is anger that you're being accused of a crime you haven't committed. You should've said as much, adding that if you two expect to improve the relationship, that behavior can never happen again.

If you think having your own back is wrong, you need to change that mindset. Ridiculous to pat the head of someone who has treated you poorly and uttering soothing words of, "There, there. Everything will be all right."

[matthew567]

Thanks for your replies I just want to be over it all and move on....

She's ademant she made a mistake and apologised, so have to take that with a pinch of salt.

Hope you all have a nice weekend and take it easy.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 2/11/2024 at 5:37 AM, matthew567 said:

it's just society tell us we can't sleep with other people.

It's unclear to me why some folks find this^^ funny.

There are people and couples who don't believe in monogamy and who believe monogamy and other social norms are due to societal pressures and expectations.

Non-monogamy and not following other social norms works for them, they're happy and in love, so who the heck am I or anyone to laugh at that and negatively judge that?

It's not how I personally choose to live but so what, I'm not them.

That being said, @matthew567 it is possible your girlfriend is realizing that a monogamous relationship no longer works for her, and she was simply tossing the idea out there to determine how you feel about it.

You're are into being monogamous, so imo this is a case of two people who have grown in different directions and who no longer share the same values. 

This can happen in LTRs, it's not uncommon.

My read on this is she is reading, listening (to podcasts) and learning about herself and what her true beliefs are and what she now values, and sadly you (as a couple) have come to an impasse where you and she are no longer compatible.

Just another perspective to consider, that's all..

Good luck..

 

[Batya33]

I don’t have a monogamous relationship because society tells me to and I’d be offended if someone who wanted to sleep around or have the option to judged my decision as somehow just conforming. What an odd presumption. Some people might. Some people do lots of stuff including conforming because it’s easier. Or sleeping around because they’re afraid of the added vulnerability of fully committing or cause it’s fun. Some do it as a way to tell themselves and show others they don’t want to “conform “ so they’re walking the walk. 
Two people who have different views on monogamy and commitment or who grow apart in that way for whatever reason likely are not a good match. 
Just this old married lady’s opinion FWIW. 

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t have a monogamous relationship because society tells me to and I’d be offended ....

^^When I wrote "there are people and couples who don't believe in monogamy and who believe monogamy and other social norms are due to societal pressures and expectations...." I meant "some" people (and couples), certainly not all.

And it works for them.  This is a fact, not just an opinion or "presumption." 

I personally know couples who have open relationships, who don't believe in monogamy or following other social norms and have read about many more. 

Not sure why you took this personally and took offense to it, I was not referring to you or challenging your beliefs or values. 

There was quite a bit of negativity aimed at her and I was providing a different perspective on the situation, that's all.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Two people who have different views on monogamy and commitment or who grow apart in that way for whatever reason likely are not a good match. 

^^Of course. 

I didn't believe that needed to be spelled out in my post but apparently it did and apologize for not making that more clear.

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^When I wrote "there are people and couples who don't believe in monogamy and who believe monogamy and other social norms are due to societal pressures and expectations...." I meant "some" people (and couples), certainly not all.

And it works for them.  This is a fact, not just an opinion or "presumption." 

I personally know couples who have open relationships, who don't believe in monogamy or following other social norms and have read about many more. 

Not sure why you took this personally and took offense to it, I was not referring to you or challenging your beliefs or values. 

There was quite a bit of negativity aimed at her and I was providing a different perspective on the situation, that's all.

I do know couples as I wrote who don't "believe" in monogamy or following what they view as social norms and reacting by doing all sorts of things including sleeping around or having a structured open marriage.  I know you didn't mean all but for his partner I wouldn't ever presume she's doing it as some pronouncement about norms or society-I'd assume she's doing it cause she likes having intercourse with those people or wants the option to try out different men.  

 

Apparently she told him "Shed been listening to this podcast about open relationship and "had a notification on fetlife" that someone logged into her account" so if that is true this is not some epiphany but simply following up on an old account -sounds like about sexual fetishes.  

IMO it's great if two people decide to have a  relationship where they can have sex outside the relationship, threesomes -whatever or if during a relationship they both decide that would be a good idea.  I'm not a fan of one sided especially where then somehow it's akin to having a deep personal growth epiphany rather than garden variety horniness and  grass is greener moment.  

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I know you didn't mean all but for his partner I wouldn't ever presume she's doing it as some pronouncement about norms or society-  I'd assume she's doing it cause she likes having intercourse with those people or wants the option to try out different men.  

^^To clarify, I wasn't "presuming" or assuming anything.  I was providing a different alternative perspective from what you and some others had posted. 

I stated that in my previous post.

As I've stated in other threads, I try and stay away from assuming things about people I don't know and who aren't here to explain and/or defend themselves against unfounded accusations about their character or anything else.  

I think doing so is extremely unfair.

You do you though.  I take no issue with that. 

For me, once again I was simply providing a different alternative perspective for the OP to consider.

Nuff said from me and I trust for you too.

Ciao.

 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

To clarify, I wasn't "presuming" or assuming anything.  I was providing a different alternative perspective from what you and some others had posted. 

Totally.  I wasn't stating that you had nor implying.  In my life and experiences that's been a refrain when it comes to others assuming stuff about people who have many sex partners/casual sex partners and/or open marriages or relationships. Including some positive spins about how it's more open/cool/eschewing societal norms. You raised that as a possibility as I wrote above.  So I was responding generally.  Words can be misinterpreted so I wanted to clarify.

For sure enough said.  What an interesting discussion and thanks for sharing your perspectives.  I hope the OP takes care of his best interests. I do not think his partner is invested enough in him or their relationship which is what I was addressing. I feel badly for him and hope he knows his worth which is not in response to anything you wrote  only what he wrote  

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

On 8/2/2024 at 11:09 PM, matthew567 said:

But it's like her asking that question has made her anxious, I'm just curious on how to help her, as I feel nobody can just go on like this, eating away at your mind, and I want it to work, I do love her and our family, it's just a bit confusing and she states that it was still a mistake, but I just have a feeling it will be brought up again in the future.

Has she given you any indication since then that she would still be interested in an open relationship? Or does she seem to be focused on making her relationship with you work? That's what you need to focus on, the two of you and ensuring that things are fine there. If both of you are fully happy as individuals and as a couple, then this issue will gradually fade into the past as a poor idea that never lead anywhere.

After looking at the issue, I see someone who is more open minded on sexual topics. Having been in that community, she thought the idea might appeal to you. And for a lot of people it would have. If she has been around those people, then it might be second nature to assume a person could be open to the idea. It doesn't necessarily mean she cares about you less or wants to sleep with other people. She was reminded of that time in her life, had an idea egged on by what she was listening to, and got wrapped up in the moment.

I think it's important to look at her actions since. She chose you. She says it was a mistake to bring it up. It doesn't seem like she is asking for it anymore. You clearly don't want it. So both of you should let it go. Don't hold it against each other. She needs to not feel bad about bringing it up and forgive herself. And you need trust in the love and life you have built together. You've been together some time. There is a reason. So together, remember that reason. Help her, and yourself, by seeing if you can find the love, romance, and trust that has kept you in this relationship.

 

[ShySoul]

On 8/2/2024 at 11:09 PM, matthew567 said:

I'm going to give her more reasurence but it does brings things up when she's anxious about me when I was the one that wasn't interested in sleeping, having other partners.

Could she be concerned she put the idea in your head? Perhaps it unlocked some insecurity where she didn't realize how she would actually feel if you did that? Now that thought worries her. Or it could be that she worries you would do something as a way to get back at her for suggesting it. 

When it's a mutual agreement in theory, such a plan can sound great. But in reality, there are complications the person(s) suggesting it don't realize at first. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't assume your wife is open minded on sexual topics -she might be close minded on monogamy with you.  She might simply want the thrills and attention of multiple partners. Apparently she's not open minded or flexilbe in this most recent situation involving you and her anxiety. She was close minded to the truth and possibility that you simply went for a walk.

Ester Perel's recent podcast episode on polyamory -also goes beyond into different topics is so so interesting -not personally to me but she addressed it via a "dinner party" among couples with various arrangements and the listener -me! -then could "listen in" on their conversations.  It was not meant to be a therapy session. 

Even though I am married and even though any sort of open or casual sex arrangement would never be for me I liked listening to the others' perspectives on it.  Google it and listen -totally worth it in your situation -(for you to listen to as it's unclear whether your spouse wants polyamory in any way that people are now talking about or simply wants not to be monogamous with you in particular - I don't recommend you delving into this -with her - because it could give the wrong impression or have her get even more anxious.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

After looking at the issue, I see someone who is more open minded on sexual topics. Having been in that community, she thought the idea might appeal to you. And for a lot of people it would have. If she has been around those people, then it might be second nature to assume a person could be open to the idea. It doesn't necessarily mean she cares about you less or wants to sleep with other people. She was reminded of that time in her life, had an idea egged on by what she was listening to, and got wrapped up in the moment.

Well said!

And to add, yesterday I met a friend for brunch and she and her husband have an open marriage, they also enjoy a bit of BDSM.

They love each other and are committed to each other in the ways that count and work for them.

They've been married for 9 years and they don't engage in this lifestyle as some sort of statement against society or what's acceptable or not acceptable according to society.

They chose it (as most couples in an open relationship/marriage do) for them and their personal beliefs re their own sexuality and their marriage and fortunately they're on the same page and always have been and it works for them.

Which is all that matters at the end of the day.  

I agree with @ShySoul and posted my thoughts previously.  

It's possible this is something she's been thinking about and exploring within herself and was simply running it by you to see how you felt about it.

This is called "communicating" with your partner and she shouldn't be faulted, criticized or shamed for it, or made to feel like some sort of slooozy whose only desire is to bang other guys. IMO.

@matthew567after discussing with you, she has determined that you're not into it.  And that is OKAY!  You are not wrong for not being okay with it in any way shape or form.

I wouldn't be either!  But I wouldn't shame or be critical of my partner for wanting to discuss it either. 

I'd rather him talk to me than engaging in deception, going behind my back and cheating.   I may leave him for that, not for wanting to communicate about something he's been thinking about and exploring the idea of.

From what I've read, it appears to me she has respected that you're not okay with it and is letting the matter go.

I suggest YOU do the same. If you can't, then either seek counseling or sadly, end the relationship.

In any event, good luck matthew567, hope you can work it out. 

 

 

[yogacat]

An acquaintance just went through this with her husband of 20 years...😲

She wanted to open the marriage, he said hell no, and he left her.

She was/is devasted and has been trying to get him back for years but he moved on and is in a committed monogamous relationship with a woman he lives with now.

If someone asked me to open up a relationship or a marriage, I would say, no thanks, you go ahead and I would file for divorce. What your legal partner said sounds dodgy to me. If she is bored, tell her to take a class or pick up a hobby. 

Questioning what you have known to be monogamy and not wanting to go along with an open marriage does not place you in the wrong. Speak your truth... and listen to your gut feeling. Your shared life of Faithfulness can never be forced from without... come on, we need commitment to be within ourselves in order to share it with another person. 

I don't think open relationships are anti-marriage, and I have several people from a far in open relationships who are very high-functioning and loving. And, if it's what both people want, what two people do in a relationship (as long as they are hurting/kidnapping anyone), that's their business.

I'm sure their are open relationships that have been disastrous, but what marriage or relationship doesn't have instances like that?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I'm sure their are open relationships that have been disastrous, but what marriage or relationship doesn't have instances like that?

In my experience -indirect - much more risk with open since there are far more often differing definitions of open, differing definitions and standards as time goes on -much more prevalent since it's broadly defined much more than traditional marital commitment - different motives and involving more people is riskier.  We've had nothing disastrous in my marriage and we've been married 15 together 18.  Disastrous for me in this context means to me something that would rock the foundation of our marriage like a dealbreaker.  

[yogacat]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In my experience -indirect - much more risk with open since there are far more often differing definitions of open, differing definitions and standards as time goes on -much more prevalent since it's broadly defined much more than traditional marital commitment - different motives and involving more people is riskier.  We've had nothing disastrous in my marriage and we've been married 15 together 18.  Disastrous for me in this context means to me something that would rock the foundation of our marriage like a dealbreaker.  

Right, and for some, wanting to open the relationship - is a end of a loving relationship. Incompatibility. But, for others, bodies needs physical or other outlets with others. .

I don't have anyone in my inner circle that has open relationships. One friend's husband wanted to introduce a threesome and she eventually left him because she saw it as him being unfaithful in their marriage.

I'm sure some people are monogamy averse for periods in their lives, but long term, especially if you are already in a committed monogamous relationship, some people just are not made for open ones. 

OP, your wife shared with you that she was thinking of opening it, or at least wanting to open it. She says it's because she listened to a podcast, and logged into a teen 'fet'life account.

It seems that she was curious, and for you it is a definite no. I guess it boils down to if she can simply be curious but not have a desire to open the marriage, or IF she needs to have an open marriage. Because if she wants it to the point that:

1) it makes her question the health of your marriage and 

2) she's feeling pressure to be more sexual beyond parenting, work etc.. 

Maybe she wants time away from the stress of homelife, and to explore with others - like an escape. By the way, how did she explain if she is communicating with anyone, how, level of risk (emotionally) as you found out only because she told you?   

[Batya33]

I don’t think anyone has a need for multiple sex partners. It’s a want. Might feel like a need but to me it’s a fact that it’s not. There’s also no need for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. It’s a want. And in the OP case she’s presenting it as a desire not a need. She might phrase it as she needs to have sex with others in order to remain in a relationship with him - but all that means is she’s not into being committed to him anymore and believes that having sex with others will motivate her to also be with him in a romantic relationship.  
 

I think there are many desires in marriage over the years that are not acted on for the good of the marriage and or family. I’ve experienced those desires and had to make sacrifices. Not to be with another man though. 
I too think she desires an escape that involves having sex with others. And if he wants to permit that and feels comfortable with that arrangement that’s great. Just like some spouses want an escape by traveling solo or staying overnight at the hotel next door (my friend did this annually when her kids still lived at home ) the only issue is that some escapes break marriage vows. So the couple has to agree. 
I hope the OP can maintain self honesty and knowing what he’s worth when making this tough decision. 

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It seems that she was curious, and for you it is a definite no. I guess it boils down to if she can simply be curious but not have a desire to open the marriage, or IF she needs to have an open marriage. Because if she wants it to the point that:

Completely agree^^.  Just because one's partner opens up the idea of an open relationship or anything else, that doesn't necessarily translate to them being steadfast in actually wanting or having an open relationship.

They're exploring the possibility and communicating that to you. 

Just my opinion but when one partner opens up a conversation that may feel uncomfortable to their partner, such as this, and their partner automatically  "assumes" it means he/she isn't into them, no longer loves them, they're bored with them or simply wants to feel free to bang other people, it causes their partner to shut down and NOT want to communicate with them about anything!!

They then make the decision to engage in deception, lying and going behind their partner's back or withholding their thoughts and feelings.

Also, I don't mean to ruffle feathers but just because in some cases (NOT all) one's partner has not openly expressed their feelings about it, does not mean they've never explored or consideried the idea of it. 

It only means they fear bringing it up for the same reasons expressed here.

They may be shamed for it, their partner may "assume" it means they're not "into them enough" or no longer loves them and may leave them, so they withhold/hide their feelings, which IS the main problem in relationships IMO.

People hiding feelings, not communicating and in some cases choosing deception and cheating.

I recently experienced this exact thing with my boyfriend (now ex as of last Friday). 

He withheld his thoughts about marriage and important information for FEAR I would begin making "assumptions" about his character and his feelings, start asking uncomfortable (for him) questions just like his previous girlfriends did.

So he waited a couple of months to share when he thought I'd be more accepting. 

Well, try as I might I tried to keep an open mind, distanced myself a bit and when we finally talked, I saw a completely different man from the man I originally thought he was.

I did not appreciate all the "assumptions" he had made about me, that he didn't trust ME with his truth and I ended the relationship.

JMO.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

To add, there are a few members on this forum and other forums I have been a member of who are in open relationships with their partners or spouses and I kinda wish they would chime in.  My recollection is these couples are quite happy AND in love AND committed to each other, having defined what commitment means for them.

It does not always mean they are not committed to each other or don't love their partner.  Again that is an assumption most likely based on many things including the person making the assumption own values, however I don't wish to get into that because I don't wish to assume anything about those who believe it's wrong or who believe it means the couple is not committed or whatever.   

In some cases, yes but then one has to wonder, if they are not committed or not in love or if one partner (or both) is no longer "into" them, why would they continue to remain in the RL in the first place? 

Same with polyamorous relationships or any other type of RL that goes against traditional social norms.

There are different types of commitment; many follow the traditional definition but not all couples do and JMO but they shouldn't be negatively judged for that.

As stated previously, my gf with whom I had lunch yesterday is very much in love with her husband and he is in love with her, they totally respect each other and would never step away from the boundaries they have defined for themselves (individually and as a couple) that makes this type of non-traditional RL work for them.

@matthew567 my final advice to you is TALK with your girlfriend and find out where her head is at and why an open relationship is (or was) something she wanted to consider and discuss with you.

Get all the information from HER, have an open and honest dialogue about it.

Please do NOT assume she no longer loves you or is not committed or bored or horny for other guys or any other assumptions you are making.  This goes for anything she or any partner discusses with you.

Talk, communicate, ask questions!!!

It's what I would do and HAVE done.

If it turns out she IS bored or unhappy and DOES want to simply bang other guys, then yes consider the ending the relationship.

Just don't assume, that's all.  I think that is highly unfair to her, to both of you!

JMO and good luck, keep us posted!!

[ShySoul]

I know a couple who dipped their toes into an open marriage. They were having issues connecting, yet didn't want to divorce as they still loved and cared for each other and didn't want to put each other through that pain. So they both were honest with their feelings and tried it out to see what would happen. One of them was involved with someone else. It wasn't even about sex as I don't believe they ever had it with the other person. It was more about fulfilling an emotional connection and understanding that was missing in the relationship.

After a time the situation faded away. The couple remains married and committed to each other today. They still love each other. And there have been no further forays into such a venture. Such an arrangement doesn't have to be a sign of trouble, the end of a relationship, or a sign that they don't care for each other. It doesn't even have to be about sex. 

What's vital is that the couple communicate with each other and are both comfortable with whatever is decided. That they don't do anything that would harm the other. 

So talk. Communicate. Be honest. Figure out what is right for you as a couple. Try to understand where each other is coming from. Don't assume what the other side is thinking or wanting. That's what loving couples who respect each other do.

[matthew567]

Thanks for the messages, I think this was just all a bit of a shock, with me communicating about sex last year, physical intimacy, I stated I was struggling and I would like to do more things again with her, as things had gotten a bit easier with parenting, and we had more time, so for me when this was Brought up, and things like her dressing in all that nice lingerie she has, and meeting someone knew, and that 1 person dosent have to fulfill all your needs, to saying I would always eventually cheat and she wanted to take control, was frustrating as I was communicating about doing more with her, I was open about my past relationship when I was much younger.

Things have settled now, I have let go and it's a case of it happened and we are just moving on, yes im aware having sex with others would be exciting and fun, I don't think it would be healthy for our relationship, family.

 

So thanks for all of your comments 🙂

We've been doing Yoga outside in the garden when the kids go to bed, it's been really nice, feel like I've connected back with her after a stressful beginning of the year.