Am I over reacting

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

has the mind set that it's just like going out to do activities like going to the gym, saying it makes us feel good about ourselves, it's just society says we don't go and sleep with other people.

Oh, come on. 

She wants to sleep with other people, and was hoping you would go along with it. Let's get real here, man. 

[matthew567]

So I'm guessing your partner would be out Id this had happened ??

[matthew567]

Think the conversation was a bit of a shock so don't think I could of laughed, it certainly makes me look at things differently now.

It might be the case that she has lost interested but I'd imagine she would just say at this point.

See what happens, she listened to this podcast, im in two minds to listen to it because some stuff she said just made no sense.

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

Think the conversation was a bit of a shock so don't think I could of laughed, it certainly makes me look at things differently now.

It might be the case that she has lost interested but I'd imagine she would just say at this point.

See what happens, she listened to this podcast, im in two minds to listen to it because some stuff she said just made no sense.

 

LOL I listen to true crimes podcasts regularly and it doesn't tempt me to poison my husband with antifreeze.

[matthew567]

🤣 that killed me that did.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, matthew567 said:

So I'm guessing your partner would be out Id this had happened ??

Not necessarily, but I sure wouldn't buy the ridiculous excuses she's come up with to have even suggested this. 

There's something much more wrong in the relationship, even if she hasn't been honest yet about how she's feeling and what she's thinking. 

[smackie9]

She masking her desire with "Oh I thought this would help with your depression." That's very manipulative. She's only thinking about herself. 

[matthew567]

I just have that Gut feeling there's more to this then what she's mentioned.

Yes I've said to her this was selfish, it wernt for me, she was just thinking about herself, I was down with how hard things have been with the little one being ill recently.

 

[matthew567]

I think this is the last one from me guys.

I'm currently thinking that if I speak to her again about it, I need to end it.

For me its 8 years together, I feel like I don't value her, and I really don't like how she's made me feel, reflecting this on me and saying I've made a thing about it. 

She sent me a quote yesterday and it further more annoyed me because we had been speaking about it, 

'If your are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your opinion of it, and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

My head is at im going to take time to calm and let this surpass, and then I'm going to sit down with her and explain I cant do.it anymore.

I feel stupid about the situation and yes it might go in time but I explained to her like would you be kicking yourself if we broke up from this, her answer was yes, and she said if I did then I would just be cutting my nose to spite my face, as its an over reaction.

Give me so much anxiety this thinking of our home, this kids home and family life before this, I feel like I'm destroying this, but I feel like I'm just valuing myself and how I feel.

I do love her and the thought of not being together hurts like hell but I know time helps and this topic I feel I will remember forever.

[MissCanuck]

50 minutes ago, matthew567 said:

She sent me a quote yesterday and it further more annoyed me because we had been speaking about it, 

'If your are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your opinion of it

This is horribly insensitive of her. 

It is because of the "thing" she suggested. She is trying again to shirk responsibiltiy for deeply hurting you by making it seem like you are the one with the problem. You are not over-reacting. She is deflecting. 

16 hours ago, matthew567 said:

I just have that Gut feeling there's more to this then what she's mentioned

As I have said from the beginning, I think so too. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, matthew567 said:

 If your are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your opinion of it, and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

Sorry this is happening. This statement is pure rubbish. It implies that her wanting to cheat/sleep with others is fine and you have the choice to not be upset by it.  Whatever is going on with her is not clear. However a wake-up call about separating may be a good conversation to have at this time. 

[matthew567]

Thanks for your insight, I'm giving it time, ye I struggle to be happy right now, and how she's acted around this, time will only tell if I can move on from this.

Not what I expected to happen when starting a family, Seems like she want to escape.

But yes the quote annoyed me.

[matthew567]

Anybody got advice for getting out of your own thoughts, I just need a break now, I'm so fatigued.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, matthew567 said:

Anybody got advice for getting out of your own thoughts, I just need a break now, I'm so fatigued.

I work out daily and try to move my body more than being sedentary (in addition to the daily work out) and  hydrate (I have my favorite water bottle handy and goal is 11-12 glasses a day) and when feeling stressed do 4-7-8 Weil method. Google it. I practice it for years and use it for sleeping issues too. I hope you feel better. 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, matthew567 said:

If your are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your opinion of it, and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

What a load. Few would have a favorable 'opinion' of their partner dating others. I'd tell her that every effort she slings to gaslight me about this being a 'me' problem only compounds the disrespect. If she has any hope of healing this relationship, she'll quit that and decide whether she's capable of loving empathy, or not. If not, then that's something I need to know.

4 hours ago, matthew567 said:

Anybody got advice for getting out of your own thoughts, I just need a break now, I'm so fatigued.

My heart goes out to you. I find it helpful to shift my focus away from what I'm not getting and look at what I've not been giving. Your kids, neighbors, friends, family community can always benefit from your attention. Focus like a laser beam on a project, even if it's only for yourself, or better, make a commitment to help someone with something of theirs. Spending time this way with others can be a grounding and 'normalizing' influence. It's one way I've found to feel grateful for the smallest of joys, and this amplifies those.

Head high.

[matthew567]

Thanks for your response, it's certainly helps hearing other peoplez perspectives and how other look at it, it's reassuring and make me feel like a bit less crazy, to why I am upset about this.

Thanks so much.

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, matthew567 said:

make me feel like a bit less crazy, to why I am upset about this.

Anyone in their right mind would be upset by this. 

The fact that you're even questioning why you are agitated is sad. It suggests you don't know your own value anymore and have become too insecure in your own judgment. 

It also suggests she's doing a fine job of manipulating your feelings. 

[matthew567]

I agree, not feeling myself right now.

I did say however if we didint have children I wouldent be here.

It was all done when she said she felt secure and comfortable in our relationship, but then I didint want to spend time with, bit confusing.

Anyway moving on, it's obviously going to take time, going to be going forward but have said if there's anymore of this, we are done.

Valentines today, its not what I would of thought it was going to be a week ago.

Fake it until you make it.

[matthew567]

Its funny instead of spending valentines night together, she's decided to spend most of the night showering and straightening her hair, oh and watching traitors.

Am I with someone who dosent give a *** anymore, no emotion and has stated about sex being sex when bringing up the open relationship.

That's just what anybody wants to hear.

 

[Andrina]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. In your shoes, there's no way I would ever stay with a partner after this revelation.

When I have hard thing to handle, I break up tasks needing to be done for specific times/days. Not everything needs to be handled at once. Some things can be handled later that you don't urgently need to attend to.

Do little things for yourself that will bring joy, even if it's brief. I made myself a delicious smoothie the other day, so I'm just giving an example. I'm dealing with my own family issue with my elderly father having Alzheimers--a different problem, but those little things of joy I do for myself gives me a breather from dealing with this newish, major problem.

Concentrate on your kids right now, since their mother's mental state is going off the deep end right now. Be sure to institute custody rules when it comes down to that, that your children not be in the presence of any strange men she might bring home for brief trysts. Don't know what can be drawn up, but if it were me, I'd find out which boundaries could be legally agreed upon. 

Good luck.

[matthew567]

Thanks for your response and yes it's not been great.

Im so sorry to hear about your farther, that's truly sad to hear and I hope your doing as good as you can be right now.

My grandad has the same, and it's very difficult to witness, so my heart goes out to you.

A good Smoothie always goes down a treat.

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, matthew567 said:

has stated about sex being sex when bringing up the open relationship.

She is back-pedalling because she is starting to realize just how hurtful and stupid her suggestion was, but she does not want to take responsibility for it.  

I think you really need to re-evaluate the future of this relationship. 

[matthew567]

Yes I do certainly look at her different now, the topic and our relationship, I know she would of made A effort for another man, but not me last night.

Times a healer and it does feel like my heart is getting stronger.

I wont be sad in a relationship just to keep us all as a family, think that isint my responsibility especially after her mentioning this.

 

 

[matthew567]

Hello, so it's been a while since this all happened.

I would say things have calmed down, but at times my head goes places and I feel like I have much more questions to ask.

I still don't know if this has changed us, it's an absolute battle to try and just forget this and go on as normal, as explained my partner said she was happy and content in our relationship, whilst bringing things up about being able to spend time together which is difficult at the moment with parenting 2 kids and being tired.

Yes she would like not to have the responsibility and be free and single again, no responsibilities, I think this includes me, but I'm nobody's responbility.

So where do I have mu thoughts now, this is truly something she wants, to see other people, the excitement, and obviously the freedom to go out at evenings times, and i stay at home looking after the kids.

 

It would seem that she brought this up, when clearly she was not happy with the relationship, and instead of communicating to me she went on this journey, after seeing a post about how a open relationshop worked for a couple om hearts and charts.

When put to her that she can do it, she came out with thinking of me sleeping with other people gives her the ick, but then she brought this to me, don't understand that bit.

 

I did a counseling session and was one positive outcome of that I identified her going on fetlife was an outcome of listening to the audio book and not a case as she said at first she had en email about someone trying to access her account, so she went on it as a result to the audio book.

People say change can only happen if you let it, but feel something as changed as a result of this.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, matthew567 said:

I did a counseling session and was one positive outcome of that I identified her going on fetlife was an outcome of listening to the audio book and not a case as she said at first she had en email about someone trying to access her account, so she went on it as a result to the audio book.

How scary - you think she - the mother of your young kids - is making these drastic choices -these risky choices -as an "outcome" of listening to an audio book? I listen to true crime podcasts regularly -so if I -hypothetically! -acted on what I heard or started googling how to murder another person -that would be chalked up to an "outcome" of listening to a podcast? Is it ok with  you if your kids make a bad choice and say "oh someone showed me a youtube video so I pranked this kid at school because he uses hearing aids - ha ha!"  Maybe a child -maybe but - really??