I found out my boyfriend hid his felony charge from me

[Minipic132]

I found out my boyfriend hid his felony from me. I found out after a chance encounter with a client and her husband previously knowing him. I tactfully and kindly asked my boyfriend tonight thst if ever, was he going to tell me and he said, "if it ever came up..." Better yet, he knew that I broke up with my ex because of his old drug dealing past (to which I didn't judge initially, but my ex eventually wanted to get back into the business, to which we subsequently broke up). I love him still and he seems like a changed man, but when I brought it up he got moody, upset, and wouldn't talk much to me.  I'm at odds with myself, and can't decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

[Kwothe28]

Are you attracted to "bad boy" types? Because running into a drug dealer one time is a coincidence, two times its already much more then that. 

Also yes, selling drugs to people, including probably children, should be a dealbreaker. 

[Batya33]

Is he employed? Many employers won't hire a convicted felon.  Don't "judge" -simply decide if you want to be in a potentially serious relationship with a convicted felon who also hid this from you.  Is that consistent with your values? No judging -would you be willing to help a convicted felon as a volunteer? Willing to donate money or items to an organization that helps felons get back on their feet? I am acquainted with a convicted felon - and I have really strong boundaries around it.  Once I learned about her past, and once she was incarcerated again -same type of felon -  I wouldn't see her one on one, I wouldn't get involved with her on a personal level -anymore.  I am not judging her IMO. 

Also yes take a look at why you get involved with men who have shady pasts -or presents as in your ex who again wanted to sell drugs to innocent children to make $.

[boltnrun]

If you had known from the beginning would you have dated him?

What bothers you more, the felony or the fact that he hid it from you?

[catfeeder]

How long have you been with this man? Do you live together?

A long relationship with a shared home would add a lot more weight to this, even while his coldness and unwillingness to offer you comfort and understanding about learning of his omission would add a lot more weight to my wish to liberate myself.

I'd make this less about him, and more about me--and how I want to live. If I can't trust a partner to disclose relevant history, then what CAN I trust about him? And is a relationship that's not based on truth and trust the kind of partnership I envision for myself?

I understand about love. I've needed to leave someone I loved. I just had to recognize that love is not enough, and some people are best loved from far away.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Minipic132 said:

I found out my boyfriend hid his felony from me. I found out after a chance encounter with a client and her husband previously knowing him. I tactfully and kindly asked my boyfriend tonight thst if ever, was he going to tell me and he said, "if it ever came up..."  subsequently broke up). I love him still and he seems like a changed man, but when I brought it up he got moody, upset, and wouldn't talk much to me.  

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Your friends did the right thing giving you the heads up.

He obviously was hoping to deceive you about it. However court records are available. A felon has a tremendous amount of liabilities and difficulties. That's why he lied to you. 

[waffle]

What's the felony for?

[smackie9]

IMO if it was when he was in his early 20's and it stopped then, and it's 20 years later I would give it a pass......but if this was a few years ago...I would say that's a deal breaker. His attitude stinks too btw. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, Minipic132 said:

I love him still and he seems like a changed man

A changed man from what?  What did he serve time for?  And in what way does he seem like a changed man to you?

14 hours ago, Minipic132 said:

when I brought it up he got moody, upset, and wouldn't talk much to me.

THIS^ is the bigger red flag than the felony conviction imo.  Combined with the fact he hid this very important detail about his life would be enough for ME to end things.

People can change even those with a criminal past and served time.  I have known of people who after their release, went on to compete their education, start at ground level and work their way up to become upstanding successful individuals, so personally I would not negative judge him for being an ex-con.

It's his attitude and behavior after his release that counts imo and from what you have shared with us here, his sucks.

Your call though, good luck.

[Minipic132]

13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are you attracted to "bad boy" types? Because running into a drug dealer one time is a coincidence, two times its already much more then that. 

Also yes, selling drugs to people, including probably children, should be a dealbreaker. 

No, both were law abiding, regular guys who seemed transparent and unassuming. Both didn't drink, do drugs (although he sold them 🙄), and another admitted to using drug back into teens. Both were trying to be healthy so much in their lifestyle, they even didn't eat sugar and were vegan and had a curfew before 11pm.

[Minipic132]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Is he employed? Many employers won't hire a convicted felon.  Don't "judge" -simply decide if you want to be in a potentially serious relationship with a convicted felon who also hid this from you.  Is that consistent with your values? No judging -would you be willing to help a convicted felon as a volunteer? Willing to donate money or items to an organization that helps felons get back on their feet? I am acquainted with a convicted felon - and I have really strong boundaries around it.  Once I learned about her past, and once she was incarcerated again -same type of felon -  I wouldn't see her one on one, I wouldn't get involved with her on a personal level -anymore.  I am not judging her IMO. 

Also yes take a look at why you get involved with men who have shady pasts -or presents as in your ex who again wanted to sell drugs to innocent children to make $.

He owns his own business, most likely due to not finding work in retrospect. And indeed, thank you for bringing up this pattern. I was raised Latin catholic and did indeed voulenteer at prisons with my dad growing, and believe in forgiveness, but previously stated it'd his attitude thst counts...

[Minipic132]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you had known from the beginning would you have dated him?

What bothers you more, the felony or the fact that he hid it from you?

The fact that he hid it from me does more. Character-wise, in the present, he seems like an upstanding, respectable, honest guy... but behavior is a language. 😓 

[Minipic132]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

How long have you been with this man? Do you live together?

A long relationship with a shared home would add a lot more weight to this, even while his coldness and unwillingness to offer you comfort and understanding about learning of his omission would add a lot more weight to my wish to liberate myself.

I'd make this less about him, and more about me--and how I want to live. If I can't trust a partner to disclose relevant history, then what CAN I trust about him? And is a relationship that's not based on truth and trust the kind of partnership I envision for myself?

I understand about love. I've needed to leave someone I loved. I just had to recognize that love is not enough, and some people are best loved from far away.

I have now been with him 6 months. I did an initial background search when I began dating him, but I didn't see anything on the states casenet other than just regular traffic infractions. I asked him if his records were sealed or expunged (what my ex did) but he said they were not. So I bit the bullet and bought a background check, and it came up with more history...

[Minipic132]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you had known from the beginning would you have dated him?

What bothers you more, the felony or the fact that he hid it from you?

 

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

How long have you been with this man? Do you live together?

A long relationship with a shared home would add a lot more weight to this, even while his coldness and unwillingness to offer you comfort and understanding about learning of his omission would add a lot more weight to my wish to liberate myself.

I'd make this less about him, and more about me--and how I want to live. If I can't trust a partner to disclose relevant history, then what CAN I trust about him? And is a relationship that's not based on truth and trust the kind of partnership I envision for myself?

I understand about love. I've needed to leave someone I loved. I just had to recognize that love is not enough, and some people are best loved from far away.

 

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

IMO if it was when he was in his early 20's and it stopped then, and it's 20 years later I would give it a pass......but if this was a few years ago...I would say that's a deal breaker. His attitude stinks too btw. 

It does, doesn't it? Thank you for all the feedback, it's quite revealing what I chalked up to be innocent emotional disregulation.

[Minipic132]

13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are you attracted to "bad boy" types? Because running into a drug dealer one time is a coincidence, two times its already much more then that. 

Also yes, selling drugs to people, including probably children, should be a dealbreaker. 

This is a trend unfortunately now, isn't it? From the outside looking in, they both seemed to be hard working, simple, and honest men. They had this quiet mystery which is probably now that I'm realizing what is my blind spot, over functioning perhaps emotionally 🤔 

[Minipic132]

4 hours ago, waffle said:

What's the felony for?

For shooting someone in the face with a bb gun. He was 17 when it happened. The fastest charge was 4years ago, and he has 4 counts of domestic violence.

[boltnrun]

Just now, Minipic132 said:

he has 4 counts of domestic violence.

This is a person who thinks this behavior is OK. 

How comfortable are you with being in a relationship with someone who thinks it's OK to physically abuse his partner, not once but multiple times?

[Minipic132]

3 minutes ago, Minipic132 said:

 

 

It does, doesn't it? Thank you for all the feedback, it's quite revealing what I chalked up to be innocent emotional disregulation.

And I would've respected his forthcoming more, yes. As long as you aren't dabbling in it and not in that world anymore, I'm not wanting to judge who he is now to who he was. I was also a wild teenager (just no charges) and was reckless in my youth but I'm a different version of myself. I was candid and transparent from the very first date about my mental health history, speeding, etc.

[Minipic132]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

This is a person who thinks this behavior is OK. 

How comfortable are you with being in a relationship with someone who thinks it's OK to physically abuse his partner, not once but multiple times?

Yeah... Thank you, seriously, for stating thr gravity fo the situation like that for me... I've had a history with abuse, and it feels normal. I've done alot of therapy, but I still have wide blindspots I'm realizing 😞

[Minipic132]

10 minutes ago, Minipic132 said:

I have now been with him 6 months. I did an initial background search when I began dating him, but I didn't see anything on the states casenet other than just regular traffic infractions. I asked him if his records were sealed or expunged (what my ex did) but he said they were not. So I bit the bullet and bought a background check, and it came up with more history...

And I do not live with him or share any assets no. Learned that lesson a long while ago.

[Minipic132]

9 minutes ago, Minipic132 said:

 

 

It does, doesn't it? Thank you for all the feedback, it's quite revealing what I chalked up to be innocent emotional disregulation.

The last charge was 4 years ago. And indeed, love is not enough.

[Minipic132]

15 hours ago, Minipic132 said:

I found out my boyfriend hid his felony from me. I found out after a chance encounter with a client and her husband previously knowing him. I tactfully and kindly asked my boyfriend tonight thst if ever, was he going to tell me and he said, "if it ever came up..." Better yet, he knew that I broke up with my ex because of his old drug dealing past (to which I didn't judge initially, but my ex eventually wanted to get back into the business, to which we subsequently broke up). I love him still and he seems like a changed man, but when I brought it up he got moody, upset, and wouldn't talk much to me.  I'm at odds with myself, and can't decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

(----> This was actually my message that I sent him today.) Hey, I love you, and good morning when you read this. I've changed my mind on not bringing this up again, and I'm instead going to need a few days to process this news. It's not the fact that you're a felon that is the issue here. In fact, I believe people change all the time. The Garret I know is someone who upholds virtues like respect, candor & forgiveness & is a morally-just person. I'm upset with the fact that you weren't upfront with me about it and potentially would've never brought this up at all. Especially after I told you my history with my ex. I need a few days to sort out how I feel. I most likely will ask you more questions, and though I understand you're rightfully not wanting to sit on a topic that was such a dark time for you, I am owed an explanation of at least why you decided to not tell me? Is it because letting people know beforehand went wrong? Did previous exes know/not know about this? Out of consideration for you and your reaction tonight, please just write this on a text. I feel this would be the least triggering option for you, but if you'd like to answer in another way feel free to.. IRL, I'd still like to carry on our normal routine and trust that you will reply in your own time, hopefully by Valentines day...( I just want to celebrate the holiday in peace with you) But this is important to me. I am also not wanting to be stuck on where you were and not trying to see you for who you are now and to where you want to be in the future. The crud you went through shaped you into the man you are today, and if that part of your life is over, you need to be upfront with it, particularly when it concerns someone who will be directly impacted like me down the line. At one point, I had to find out that my exes rival was out for me in my last relationship and that I was in danger, and so a question of saftey comes up. What if a family member of the guy you shot decides to get revenge on you (and by association, me) down the line? That's really reaching, I know, but seriously, you should have told me from the get-go. Is this something I should be concerned about? And practicals like would this mean you & I would be unable to get a mortgage in the future? Travel? adopt? etc?

[Minipic132]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Your friends did the right thing giving you the heads up.

He obviously was hoping to deceive you about it. However court records are available. A felon has a tremendous amount of liabilities and difficulties. That's why he lied to you. 

We've been dating 6 months. He is 30 years old, and the BB gun shooting was when he was 17. Thank goodness for the justice system and records.

[Minipic132]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

IMO if it was when he was in his early 20's and it stopped then, and it's 20 years later I would give it a pass......but if this was a few years ago...I would say that's a deal breaker. His attitude stinks too btw. 

Thank you. He is 30 and the bb gun shooting was when he was 17, but his latest charge was 4 years ago. Thank you for revealing the attitude. I feel like a blindspot lifted, along with a pattern with these guys now. Ugh. 🙏✨️

[Capricorn3]

26 minutes ago, Minipic132 said:

For shooting someone in the face with a bb gun.  The fastest charge was 4years ago, and he has 4 counts of domestic violence.

^ That right there would make me head for the hills and never look back.  Totally unacceptable behavior (imo) and certainly not a person I would go near, but that's just me.

You're only 6 months in and have more red warning flags than I've ever seen.  You really should take heed and end this.  The longer you stay, the more you tell him that his behavior is acceptable to you. 4 counts of domestic violence?  That doesn't tell you something?  You need a reality check - there's probably a lot more domestic violence incidents that haven't been reported.