UPDATE: Are we Incompatible?

[loveatlas1010]

Late last month, I posted on here about a girl(25F) that I(27M)was seeing and due to her not really engaging much or initiating conversation and me always initiating, planning, etc., y'all said we were potentially incompatible. 

So, to back up a little we first saw each other January 5th. It is now February 8th. We have been seeing each other and going on dates regularly every week. I’d say 1-2 times a week, leaning more towards 1 date a week, and either church or gym other days as casual. Just a side note, during bold questions, she said that she is not too “open” and likes to “listen” and recently she said she is wanting long term relationship but that she isn’t putting “pressure” on it and that she is in “no hurry”. These statements have been discussed throughout the time we have beeen seeing each other with the latter being this week. Our interactions at times are very awkward and i am often finding things to talk about. After I seemingly either can’t think of anything else to talk about or ask, I wait, and I kinda step back  to see if she will initiate conversation or talk or something to engage and put in a little effort. This happened last week and we sat in silence for what seemed to be more than an hour. I confronted her about it and she said she thought i didn’t wanna be there (at the date) (it was a sports event), and then she says “i like silence sometimes”, and then she said she thought something was wrong. Regardless, i feel that while it’s okay to like silence, definitely not so when you’re gettng to know someone. With texting, we talk but her reactions (as i said before) are always “oh nice ! how was your day “ etc., and then we have a conversation about our days and i joke a little and then she falls asleep and the next day again when we talk it’s “what are you up to today”. Like i feel like the texting is not really connective or building, but rather redundant. Normally when you build on a conversation like i do, you would ask about it, or engage further, or note a personal experience to talk about, but it’s not like that. Things have gotten somewhat better in a sense where she asked me to come hangout with her and her friends at the house and watch the game which was nice and she did offer to pay once in this month period which felt good to see some sort of effort. However ( and correct me if i’m wrong of course), it seems like she cares more about time with her friends and work and that’s it because I feeel like you know to get to better know her friends, which are basically her life, because i don’t see her do much recreational activities, you would invite me places with them and hang out and get to know them. I feel like for me, saying that , is just a way to get more ways of diverse conversation because our interactions are flat and wierd sometimes. Any advice from yall good people? I feel at times there is a sense of hot and cold and I see it a little bit. What do you think?

[Batya33]

I think you two don't click or have enough in common for long term potential - no need to rely on her excuses or analyze deeply - you two don't click enough or connect enough and it's been a month.  I'd move on.  I'm sorry. I also wouldn't be comfortable with her way of speaking/not speaking whatever -whether dating or friendship.

[Andrina]

Her attractiveness drew you in, but now it's the vetting period. Not everything that a SO has to say must be a gem, and sometimes what they say is irritating or boring. However, in general, the majority of the time, it's important to enjoy their company. Doesn't seem like this is the case. 

It's good she keeps up with friends and has a good work ethic, since some people go all gung-ho over a new love interest and push everything else to the back burner. But again, on the flip side, you should feel like she was so excited about you that you were a new priority that she is happy to fit into her life.

Your story reminds me of my Dad when he was a teen. He was a handsome football player dating the prettiest blonde cheerleader at his school. Over time, he started seeing how her conversations were very much one-dimensional. He broke up with her and the next person he dated was my mother, whom he enjoyed more substantial conversations with.

The vetting period is crucial where you will be making big decisions of whether to stay or whether to bail. From what you've written, all signs point to bailing.

[smackie9]

why are you still hanging on? I told you to punt her to the curb because she doesn't put in any real effort into this. Nothing is going to change. 

[loveatlas1010]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

why are you still hanging on? I told you to punt her to the curb because she doesn't put in any real effort into this. Nothing is going to change. 

i guess im just figuring out how to tell her lol i don’t wanna like hurt somebody else but i mean you know, you’re right lol what kinda advice can you give?

[Batya33]

What's so funny about this to you? People are taking their time here to give you input - simply tell her in a direct and caring way -short and sweet -that you two don't have enough in common to continue dating. Then wish her well.   That's it.

[Cherylyn]

If you have to ask here if you're incompatible with her,  you most likely are.  When you're compatible with a person,  you know or that's been my experience anyway.  😉

[loveatlas1010]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

What's so funny about this to you? People are taking their time here to give you input - simply tell her in a direct and caring way -short and sweet -that you two don't have enough in common to continue dating. Then wish her well.   That's it.

chillll dawg lol i acknowledge their response and ask for more advice. don’t take “lols” so seriously

[Kwothe28]

I dunno what Ive said on another thread(if I wrote something). But, she is either a bore or just doesnt want to engage in a conversation. Let me explain: with somebody she would deem "right", she would probably try way more. Schedule dates, engage in a conversations etc. But you are a "safe option". Somebody where she doesnt need to try and you would still be there. So she does exactly that. 

Boot her to the curb and dont look back. 

[MrMan1983]

12 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

i guess im just figuring out how to tell her lol i don’t wanna like hurt somebody else but i mean you know, you’re right lol what kinda advice can you give?

Less use of 'lol' shoehorned into every sentence maybe 😛 'Y'all' and 'Dawg' are hard passes at 27 too 😆 Jokes aside I've had similar scenarios where for whatever reason you just don't bounce off each other well in the conversation department or you ask something, get a reply then no question back or elaboration with the topic so you then move onto the next topic...then nothing back again.

If it goes on too often or for too long (past the point of assuming they are shy/take a while to open up) I tend to cut my losses and chalk it up to the 'not clicking/no spark' column, because after all who wants to spend time with someone you can't engage in good conversation with unless it's something casual.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, loveatlas1010 said:

chillll dawg lol i acknowledge their response and ask for more advice. don’t take “lols” so seriously

Thanks for the input - there were so many and it comes across as I wrote.  If it's so LOL you're doin just fine!

I agree with Cherylyn.

[Wiseman2]

Why not step back and see what happens. She seems marginally interested at best. How old is she? There seems to be an immaturity issue. Is this the same woman?:

 

[loveatlas1010]

16 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno what Ive said on another thread(if I wrote something). But, she is either a bore or just doesnt want to engage in a conversation. Let me explain: with somebody she would deem "right", she would probably try way more. Schedule dates, engage in a conversations etc. But you are a "safe option". Somebody where she doesnt need to try and you would still be there. So she does exactly that. 

Boot her to the curb and dont look back. 

you right. i just am a very respectful and traditional man, so i like taking the lead and being respectful and genuine and reach out, good morning etc. Maybe that’s the issue lol. I may step back honestly. i was gonna go on a splatter painting date with her this weekend but it’s expensive and maybe i should wait. idk she’s also moving tomorrow and it’s prolly stressing her out , so maybe ill back off and see

[loveatlas1010]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not step back and see what happens. She seems marginally interested at best. How old is she? There seems to be an immaturity issue. Is this the same woman?:

 

she is 25. and yeah same girl. she is interested i guess but it’s just a wierd dynamic. how so should i step back?

[loveatlas1010]

13 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Less use of 'lol' shoehorned into every sentence maybe 😛 'Y'all' and 'Dawg' are hard passes at 27 too 😆 Jokes aside I've had similar scenarios where for whatever reason you just don't bounce off each other well in the conversation department or you ask something, get a reply then no question back or elaboration with the topic so you then move onto the next topic...then nothing back again.

If it goes on too often or for too long (past the point of assuming they are shy/take a while to open up) I tend to cut my losses and chalk it up to the 'not clicking/no spark' column, because after all who wants to spend time with someone you can't engage in good conversation with unless it's something casual.

so you’re saying maybe give it some more time? I mean we were supposed to go on a date this saturday  to splatter paint. after that should i just relax and let her reach out to me?

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, loveatlas1010 said:

 i was gonna go on a splatter painting date with her this weekend but it’s expensive and maybe i should wait.she’s also moving tomorrow and it’s prolly stressing her out , 

She's moving this weekend? Why would you schedule a messy, complicated, expensive date when she's in the midst of moving?  Why wouldn't you ask if it's a good time or if she would like to reschedule after she moves?  Or pick something more enjoyable and low-key like a bite to eat or a drink? 

[Tinydance]

Well I actually don't think that if there's awkwardness or silence that it means that people aren't making an effort or are lazy or don't care. Dating is about spark and connection. You either have it or you don't. Some people get along so well and can talk about anything and everything and it's very easy. It just flows naturally and effortlessly.

You keep asking for suggestions how to "make it better" with this girl. The simple answer is  - you can't. If your interactions just drop down to an hour of awkward silence, even though you're trying, you guys just don't gel. She's either a very quiet and socially awkward girl, you guys just don't click, or both. Or yeah maybe she's "not that into you" or she's traditional too and always only wants the man to chase her. In all of those cases it doesn't sound like you are connecting and have chemistry. If you did you wouldn't feel like it's all so much work and like extracting blood from a stone. 

There is no obligation to date someone if you're not vibing. Don't stress so much about it and just accept that not everyone is meant to be together. Everyone gets rejected sometimes soif you want to end it she'll need to accept it and move on.

[loveatlas1010]

On 2/9/2024 at 6:08 PM, Wiseman2 said:

She's moving this weekend? Why would you schedule a messy, complicated, expensive date when she's in the midst of moving?  Why wouldn't you ask if it's a good time or if she would like to reschedule after she moves?  Or pick something more enjoyable and low-key like a bite to eat or a drink? 

correction. she did move this weekend but the date is planned for valentine’s day . so not this weekend. typo my bad

[MissCanuck]

I would be kind but firm that you don't feel a connection, and wish her the best. 

To me, this would signal that we don't have enough in common and I frankly would be very bored by now. It gets tedious to always try to make conversation. 

This young lady isn't right for you.