Fallen for a colleague

[London_girl]

I've worked with the same guy for 6 years and we have always got on well. We have similar roles and responsibilities within a pressured workplace, I have a slight position of seniority over him and we are both governed by an overall boss that we are both accountable to.

In the last 6 months our overall boss has started to become flirty with the guy and although it is not reciprocated and he handles it well, it has changed the team dynamic. He finds her difficult as she can be intense and unpredictable to work for and has made it clear many times that he finds me better to work for, as I take a more reasoned, calm and assured approach, he respects how hard I work and seems professionally in awe. He looks out for me, compliments my work and work ethic and protects me when things get tough, but all in a subtle way.

So, im not really sure why this has suddenly happened, but over the last two months particularly, Ive found myself really falling for him, but feel this is now just making me socially awkward around him and shows me to him in a really poor light! I am now overanalysing our interactions which is making me struggle to make eye contact even! Even if my feelings were reciprocated I am dping everything to make him feel im an idiot! It is a classic 'I love him so much when he is gone, but when he's near me, I don't let on' scenario. I think as I've become more irritated and protective of him from our overall bosses affections, then I've realised I'm the one who has fallen head over heels! And the poor man probably just wishes we would both leave him alone! We are both in other very long standing relationships so nothing can ever come of it, i just don't know now how to stop feeling this way.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, London_girl said:

 the poor man probably just wishes we would both leave him alone! We are both in other very long standing relationships so nothing can ever come of it.

It seems like he's a nice coworker, despite the high pressure environment and the boss being difficult. 

Since you are both in other relationships, this has nowhere to go except step back and be as professional and polite as possible. 

For example if he complains about the boss, sidestep it and suggest he speak with her directly. Please also make sure you're not engaging in too much personal chitchat about personal lives outside of work. 

[Batya33]

You don't stop feelings. You stop how you react.  So you need to make choices that involve keeping a professional distance.  When I had a crush on a married coworker (I was single) -he never ever knew.  Some days I avoided interacting in person.  Just email or phone (this was early 2000s.). I never flirted.  The extent of our personal conversations were about his wife and young son.  A vacation plan.  Like that.  My crush faded after awhile likely because I didn't feed it. I originally met my husband at work but I know for sure if we'd worked together or supervised etc I'd never have gone on a date with him.  Full stop.

I'd do this, evaluate your current relationship to see if it's one you should remain in whether or not you end up with this guy and the only way I would think it's appropriate to date this guy is if one of you leaves the company and you both break off with your partners before dating each other.  

[smackie9]

Perfectly normal to bond with a coworker because you have that commonality of the job and what goes on with the job. You have partnered up and feel protected...that kind of attention plays on a woman's emotions for sure. It's kinda like a type of chivalry, and us women don't see much of that these days!

How to deal with it? See it for what it really is...a simple crush that you don't act on. You need to emotionally detach yourself...so when you get those feelings you distract yourself at every turn. If possible find a way to spend less time together, and stop letting him do you favours...start declining. Then when you get home, learn to really appreciate your relationship with your SO. Maybe assess what has been missing, like quality time together. Suggest more date nights, etc. Eventually this will iron itself out and you will realize how silly you were for catching those feelings for your coworker.

[ShySoul]

If you feel something, you don't just stop feeling it. It would be a lot easier if feelings were a lightswitch that could be turned off and on, but alas, we don't have that luxury. So instead you need to focus on the reality of the situation. You are both in relationships, so remind yourself of that. Rekindle a spark with the one you are with and remember why this is the person you've chosen to be with. That should help dull any feelings for your co-worker as you think about the person you do love. Keep your actions with your coworker professional. You got along well before any of this happened, you'll continue to get along well. Don't overthink things, just remember you are the same two people you have always been, coworkers who get along and work well together. Nothing more can come of it right now, so nothing needs to change and no reason to feel nervous or awkward. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, London_girl said:

, i just don't know now how to stop feeling this way.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Please don't think you have no control over your emotions or how to regulate things. Please don't fall into traps like "the heart wants want it wants" and other  powerless mindsets.  Something is going on with you and I think you know this. It's really not about the coworker. Please read up on appropriate emotional regulation:

https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-self-regulation#importance

 

[MissCanuck]

On 2/3/2024 at 9:58 AM, London_girl said:

We are both in other very long standing relationships so nothing can ever come of it, i just don't know now how to stop feeling this way.

It's normal to have crushes sometimes, but it's worth examining what is happening in your own relationship for your to be this googly-eyed for someone else. 

Are you unhappy? Bored? 

[SooSad33]

On 2/3/2024 at 3:58 AM, London_girl said:

So, im not really sure why this has suddenly happened, but over the last two months particularly, Ive found myself really falling for him, but feel this is now just making me socially awkward around him and shows me to him in a really poor light! I am now overanalysing our interactions which is making me struggle to make eye contact even! Even if my feelings were reciprocated I am dping everything to make him feel im an idiot! It is a classic 'I love him so much when he is gone, but when he's near me, I don't let on' scenario. I think as I've become more irritated and protective of him from our overall bosses affections, then I've realised I'm the one who has fallen head over heels!

I think this is all it may be.  YOU are kicking in with some defensive mode, since the boss has caused a stir.

Inside you KNOW these 'thoughts & emotions' are all wrong!

So, it is best to take a deep breathe and lighten up some.  He is an adult and you are just another worker there.  How about you keep it that way!  😉 

If you can't keep your wits about you, maybe it's time to look for another job - your choice.

[Capricorn3]

On 2/3/2024 at 7:58 PM, London_girl said:

 We are both in other very long standing relationships so nothing can ever come of it, i just don't know now how to stop feeling this way.

^ Keep reminding yourself you have a long term SO, as does he. In the end it all comes down to respect - respect your own partner, respect the colleague's relationship, and most of all, have self-respect. This is territory you just don't go to, something to back off.

Focus on your own relationship, and if there are problems there, seek counseling and work through it, and don't get involved with anyone who is already in a long term relationship. You have no place there.

[catfeeder]

On 2/3/2024 at 3:58 AM, London_girl said:

I've become more irritated and protective of him from our overall bosses affections...

Really good observation. Yes, this sounds competitive. Jealousy can rear up in lots of ways, and it can be about one thing, like territory, yet come out another way, like targeting a love object.

For instance, I took a 6th grade teacher for granted until the end of the school year. I was devastated that she'd have other kids to enjoy next fall, and I suddenly loved her and wished that she could be my mother--despite loving my own mother. So jealousy can just seem to make no sense.

How many years has this woman been your shared boss? You may have enjoyed being the central one between these two, but now that she's addressing your coworker, and the two share exchanges that exclude you, you may be coming out sideways about that by romanticizing the coworker.

On 2/3/2024 at 7:45 AM, Batya33 said:

...our personal conversations were about his wife and young son.  A vacation plan.  ...My crush faded after awhile likely because I didn't feed it.

Excellent way to 'lean in' to overcome your awkwardness. I also like the suggestions to move your focus onto your own partner and learn whether an increased investment there can help to resolve this for you.