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Colleague/friend has gone cold on me, any advice?

Amandatorimeating

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Amandatorimeating Enthusiast

Amandatorimeating

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I've been working with a guy for around 3 months. Didn't really know him initially, had our first proper conversation around 2 months ago, I was in a relationship until late November, but he seemed nice.  My relationship ended and he found out one day, he was very supportive about it.
Anyway found that he's a really cool guy who I get on well with. He didn't seem to come across like he fancied me and he didn't flirt or anything, I just noticed he was a little nervous sometimes, but so am I as I'm quite shy.
Anyway we have a work IM chat, I posted him a joke on there one day and from there we started talking a lot, both starting convos.
I had developed a crush on him but I assumed it was friendship for him and I was happy with that, he was just really good to talk to and I'm happy having platonic male friends.
Anyway I've actually recently moved to this area and only really have 1 friend round here ATM. I said to him it'd be great to hang out sometime after work as I didn't see him much in the office (hybrid remote). When in the office, he never physically approached me at my desk, I always had to go to him.
He said that would be great and gave me his number to arrange it.
Anyway then he started texting me a lot but still assumed friendship as the texts weren't flirty at all. 
We met up about a week ago, I never labelled it as a date and I assumed it wasn't. I was a little nervous and he seemed to be too for some reason. Anyway we had a good chat and laugh for a couple of hours, he almost seemed like he wanted to hug me but I just kinda blanked for some reason. We talked a lot about films we wanted to see.
As soon as we left the coffee place he told me that we should definitely hang out again, and I agreed.
Texted him when I got home saying thanks for the drinks (we wouldn't let me buy any!) And that it had been cool to see him out of work, and he replied.
Because he'd said he'd wanted to hang out again, I tried to match his energy.
Anyway about 24h after the coffee I sent him a casual text saying it'd be lovely to go see a film or do something cool the following week (weekend I was busy).
He replied saying he would get back to me with a day as he was doing a lot of overtime, but that it would be fun.
I know the overtime thing is true as I've seen the rota.
I just sent a casual yeah sure no worries :) kinda reply, and changed the convo. However I wasn't 100% sure if what he'd said was a polite brush off so I didn't seek to continue the convo.
I haven't heard from him in several days which isn't a good sign, so I just sent him a casual text asking how work was, and that was all. I'm waiting on a reply for it but I'm scared he's ghosted me.
If he doesn't want to meet up again that's absolutely fine, but he said twice he did and I like to take people at their word.
I don't think I've been pushy, I suggested the film once and then when he said he'd get back to me about it I left it at that.
Maybe cinema isn't the 'vibe'?. I'm not fussed what we do, another coffee would be fine, I just thought a film would be cool as we like a lot of the same ones.
Anyway he's never seemed to flirt or make a move, we have a lot of banter and the good thing is that he remembers everything I say.
It's weird because sometimes I don't find him very physically attractive, but something draws me to him and I sometimes think I have a crush on him.
That said, I've never mentioned this to him and didn't intend to, I'm more than happy to just be friends.
Not sure what to do? I'm really worried I've made him uncomfortable or offended him. 
I haven't double texted, he may still reply but I'm worried he won't.. the thing is next week I might even see him at work and I don't want it to be awkward.
I'm a bit disappointed as I thought we really clicked and I'd met someone cool to hang with. Any thoughts?

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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35 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

Anyway I've actually recently moved to this area and only really have 1 friend round here ATM.

You're understandably lonely. So of course this coworker will look like an oasis in a hot, dry desert. 

What I recommend is doing whatever you can to make new friends. Look into Meetup, volunteer opportunities, fitness classes, etc. That way this coworker won't be your only source of social life. 

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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38 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

He replied saying he would get back to me with a day as he was doing a lot of overtime, but that it would be fun.
I know the overtime thing is true as I've seen the rota.

It seems to be going well. He did mention overtime so try to believe him and be patient with replies. 

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smackie9 Grand Master

smackie9

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He sounds like a great guy with lots in common with you. I don't think he's going anywhere lol. He has been communicating well, letting you know he will be very busy so he won't be available to chat like before. I feel is a very good sign.   

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Andrina Grand Master

Andrina

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3 hours ago, Amandatorimeating said:

I just sent a casual yeah sure no worries 🙂 kinda reply, and changed the convo. However I wasn't 100% sure if what he'd said was a polite brush off so I didn't seek to continue the convo.
I haven't heard from him in several days which isn't a good sign, so I just sent him a casual text asking how work was, and that was all. I'm waiting on a reply for it but I'm scared he's ghosted me.
If he doesn't want to meet up again that's absolutely fine, but he said twice he did and I like to take people at their word.
I don't think I've been pushy, I suggested the film once and then when he said he'd get back to me about it I left it at that.

It's like you're trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you're so "casual" about things since you used that word twice and that it's your opinion you haven't been pushy. That "casual" text when he went two days without contact was very much a poke by you. Like, to me, that is a subconscious, "How dare you ignore me when I'm clearly into you."

And taking people at their word isn't always the best way to go about things. Sometimes people feel like they are put on the spot, are taken by surprise, and agree to things at the moment but aren't so sure they really want to follow through. They didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings and hope that with being vague and not pinning down a date, that the plans might fade away.

Learn how to wait and see if a person lobs a ball back over the net or not. Being patient is hard, but worse is prodding someone who doesn't want to make an equal effort but has a hard time saying no for the time being and answers to temporarily avoid awkwardness. You'll find out far quicker whether or not a person is into you or not by letting them show this with their inaction or action without prodding.

I hope it winds out how you wish with him. Time will tell. If he goes to the film with you, since you suggested it, let him be the one to ask for the next thing. Later, if you get into a relationship with him, with both making good effort, that practice can be thrown out the window. At the beginning, I think this not being one-sided is key.

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Amandatorimeating Enthusiast

Amandatorimeating

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I do understand what you mean, I just didn't want it to look like I was ignoring him or something just because he hadn't committed to a date, and because in my mind I did wonder if it was a brush off so I decided to pull back a little bit.

Yes I agree, and it's why I haven't brought the film topic up since, we've chatted today and I've just mentioned that I'll likely see him around the office, as opposed to trying to pursue the date again.

 

When we left the meetup and he instantly said he wants to do it again, I'm hoping that was genuine but who knows...

 

Definitely right about the one-sided thing. It's hard...

I've been talking to another guy and meeting up with him next week now which is great, so hopefully this will take my mind off things. 

 

. 

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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9 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

I've just mentioned that I'll likely see him around the office, as opposed to trying to pursue the date again.

Perhaps this is why he pulled back. You're referring to it as a "date" and maybe he senses you want to date him as opposed to getting together with a friend to see a film. 

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Amandatorimeating Enthusiast

Amandatorimeating

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10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Perhaps this is why he pulled back. You're referring to it as a "date" and maybe he senses you want to date him as opposed to getting together with a friend to see a film. 

Sorry I didn't explain.. I haven't used the word date at all, it was just me using it. I just said to him it'd be lovely to catch a film or something if you've got any free days. 

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Amandatorimeating Enthusiast

Amandatorimeating

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Maybe yeah.. I don't know how else I could've phrased it to make it not sound like a date if that makes sense 😂 I didn't flirt or make any suggestive comments about it, I literally said it'd be lovely to go catch a film or something if you're free at all after x date, he said about the work and I said yeah that's fine no worries. It's exactly the convo I'd have with a female colleague I go to the cinema with. Maybe he hasn't been asked before ? It's so tricky all this 😂

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Andrina Grand Master

Andrina

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48 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

To be honest sometimes I fancy him and other times I don't, so it's probably best to not pursue anything more. That said, I am a little attached to him for some reason, I got used to talking to him daily and so I'm trying to still be in contact but take a step back now..

If you're putting yourself out in the dating world, best to not get into a situation where he becomes a "work husband" to you, if you've heard that term. Sometimes co-workers of the opposite sex get too overly enmeshed with each other and then it becomes an issue with their significant others. There's even an episode about that issue on the old sitcom The King of Queens.

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NighttimeNightmare Experienced

NighttimeNightmare

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16 hours ago, Amandatorimeating said:

However I wasn't 100% sure if what he'd said was a polite brush off so I didn't seek to continue the convo.
I haven't heard from him in several days which isn't a good sign, so I just sent him a casual text asking how work was, and that was all. I'm waiting on a reply for it but I'm scared he's ghosted me.

Do you realize how much sense this doesn’t make?  YOU stopped convo with him, YOU did that.  So how can you go on to say it isn’t a “good sign” you didn’t hear from him?? Can’t he say the same about not hearing from you?

 

then to top it off you think “oh no, he’s ghosted me!” You’re the one who stopped seeking out convo with him

 

what in the world. This line of reasoning drives me mad, yet it’s so common

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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15 hours ago, Amandatorimeating said:

. He's just replied now thank goodness so I'm trying to be patient and not push it all. 

Please try not to panic this much. Keep in mind you're fresh out of a relationship, rebounding so emotions can be all over the place for a while.

Relax. He replied. Maybe he'll follow up on the cinema idea, maybe a better idea will come along.

In the meantime enjoy your other date and please don't be so hasty to replace your BF. 

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