Should I give a woman my number in public if there's an indication of interest?

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am unclear what you mean by "inappropriate" Bat.  

I don't think it's inappropriate, it's a compliment not harassment.

I just don't think it will render a man the best results if he's actually hoping to talk to her, get her number and ask her out.

I've never seen it happen that way at least in my social circle and this is for the OP.

Just like on the apps, it's suggested you comment on something unique about her from her profile, with approach find something unique about her personal style, what she's wearing or something and comment on that in a natural way, not like you're "coming on" to her.

Any Tom, D*ck or Harry can give a compliment based on her appearance, be creative, be unique.

JMO and what I and women I associate with respond to.

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry you found what I wrote unclear. Since I've written many times what my opinion is I just invite you to read what I wrote. I can't make it any clearer.  I don't think what I wrote is being responded to appropriately (meaning the attacks, exaggerations and so on ) so I'm done trying and I don't think further responses by me will do more than fuel those who are somehow focused on using it for unrelated purposes let's just say. I'd rather not continue down that path or enable it.

I do think dating can be hard/frustrating/stressful/annoying/challenging for everyone with rare exceptions.  I am not sure if it's stressful to meet people for flings or casual dates or a one night stand as I didn't have that focus -although I had a few flings and casual dates and one time as an experiment I actually did "pick up" a guy at a singles resort and had a lovely romantic walk on the beach and a kiss as a result - and the next day he pursued my roommate which was totally fine! I didn't approach him by complimenting his looks but that's neither here nor there. Just wasn't what I did that one time in the mid 90s.

[mylolita]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So did mine.  I wrote what I wrote about my views in a specific context.  What you wrote has nothing to do with what I wrote. Obviously I wrote it as my personal opinion.  Again and again.

I thought you said you had spoken to and even dated your husband prior? And then second time round you got together? And that you knew mutual people? This is not a stranger! 

[Capricorn3]

Wow. 

OP, no doubt you have clearly got the message by now.  As you can see, there is NO right or wrong answer to your question.  When reading the responses it's pretty obvious that some women would not like that approach and feel uncomfortable -  and some women think it's fantastic. Then you have everything in between.

So, there really is no answer to your question.  Do what makes you feel comfortable and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I thought you said you had spoken to and even dated your husband prior? And then second time round you got together? And that you knew mutual people? This is not a stranger! 

He was a stranger the first time I met him his first day at work when I approached him to greet him.  We ended up knowing some people in common but we didn't know that till later.

My parents met at a party.  I'm actually not sure how my grandparents met!

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just like on the apps, it's suggested you comment on something unique about her from her profile; with approach find something unique about her personal style, what she's wearing or something and comment on that in a natural way, not like you're "coming on" to her.

Any Tom, D*ck or Harry can give a compliment based on her appearance, be creative, be unique.

JMO and what I and women I associate with respond to.

To add to above, I just read a post on another popular site from a man who hates the apps and cold approaches leading with a compliment - telling her how beautiful she is. 

He admitted that most women are cool with it and thank him for the compliment but still, he gets rejected 80-90% of the time using this type of approach.

To the OP, that is why I suggested a more practical approach, one that a woman might actually respond positively to,  By talking to you and giving you her number. 

Like I said any average joe can give a compliment based on appearance and most women like myself will be gracious.

Be unique, be funny!  I would say if you can make her smile and laugh even if you're a bit c0cky about, you're halfway there! 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He admitted that most women are cool with it and thank him for the compliment but still, he gets rejected 80-90% of the time using this type of approach.

That's true. PUA techniques are rarely successful. It's better to get to know someone a bit through regular contact and conversation than running around trying to pick up women with cheesy lines collecting or handling out numbers. 

[ShySoul]

Wondering how much if this is really you wanting to stir things up? 

18 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

I'm just trying to expand my possibilities given that I'm single again. Plus if you're a guy, it's always more strikes than hits. 

 Obviously I understand that it depends on the woman, but we're talking about probabilities here.

Some guys get more hits then misses. I've never pursued something that I would consider a miss, even if it ultimately didn't go out of the ballpark. Even if it's more strikes then hits, you can still chose ways to better your batting average. A cold approach will likely result in the lower average. The other methods may be more strikes, but it will be closer to average. And I'm done with the baseball analogy. I don't even like baseball. 🤪

The problem I see is that you are thinking of this in terms of probability in the first place. Its trying to gain the system, make things work to your advantage. But doing that isn't playing the game, it's letting the game play you. Ultimately, numbers don't guarantee success. What creates something that works is forging a real connection with a person. You can do that in any number of ways. One way will work with some people and not work with others. A different way will work with different people. So forget the odds, forget about proability, and focus on what you want to do. It's your life, you are going to do what you feel like. Just realize that how you make the other person feel is what's going to determine their reaction.

[greendots]

18 hours ago, psycho magnet said:

How short are we talking about? Even just, say, one small exchange in the grocery store?

A pleasantly brief conversation is fine. Definitely beyond hello. It's all about mutual attraction (looks are subjective) and connecting with a potential date.

 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

All of this! It's ever sifting sands as to what is appropriate for men to do or even how to act around women. Everything is contradictory it seems. What works in one setting will get the tarred and feathered in another.

Sure there are ground rules like no stalking, but the rest? You got me stumped. When a polite compliment is treated as heresy worthy of the Spanish Inquisition (which no one expects), it's baffling.

This thread has been rather illuminating about how mindboggling the dating world is for men these days.

Agree. It's a sad state of affairs when compliments are interpreted as something negative.

Let's not turn something positive into a negative and create unnecessary barriers between men and women.

[rainbowsandroses]

34 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Agree. It's a sad state of affairs when compliments are interpreted as something negative.

Truth is, they can be positive and they can be negative depending on the man, the words chosen and his delivery.  And this thread has illustrated that difference. 

I've had both positive and negative experiences.   Generally speaking, I prefer more spontaneous natural approaches although I do find compliments flattering when given respectfully, and am gracious when given. 

Yes dating IS difficult for men, it's also difficult for women.

For every man who's been rejected after giving a woman a compliment there is a woman who's been rejected for something HE didn’t like or prefer. 

No one gender has it easier than the other. 

And yes our current dating culture is absolutely a sad state of affairs ..... for everyone.

 

 

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Truth is, they can be positive and they can be negative depending on the man, the words chosen and his delivery.  And this thread has illustrated that difference. 

I've had both positive and negative experiences.   Generally speaking, I prefer more spontaneous natural approaches although I do find compliments flattering when given respectfully, and am gracious when given. 

Yes dating IS difficult for men, it's also difficult for women.

For every man who's been rejected after giving a woman a compliment there is a woman who's been rejected for something HE didn’t like or prefer. 

No one gender has it easier than the other. 

And yes our current dating culture is absolutely a sad state of affairs ..... for everyone.

 

 

Naturally.

I rarely get complimented on my appearance, so when I do, it really stands out to me. Not saying I am not good looking (at least to someone out there hopefully!) but it's just not something that is regularly commented on in my life. So when someone does compliment me, it feels nice.

I don't equate a compliment as a pick-up line or flirting, although I can understand how it could be seen that way.

To me, a compliment (appearance or otherwise) is just someone acknowledging something positive about me and it makes me feel good.

Of course, compliments can become uncomfortable or inappropriate if they are overly sexual or objectifying, but in general, I enjoy receiving them and am grateful for them. Plus, giving and receiving compliments is a simple way to spread positivity and and who doesn't love that?

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

To me, a compliment is just someone acknowledging something positive about me and it makes me feel good.

I understand that.  And since that's all you've known, it's understandable that you don't understand the other side of it - the crude side, the ugly side, which I have touched on but won't get into. 

Only to say I've had some very ugly and sexually debasing things said to me at various tines, on the apps too. 

I agree with you that being paid a compliment when it's respectfully delivered even about my appearance is lovely. 

You've talked about having an open mind, that we all have different experiences.

Respectfully, that applies to you too.  Try to not judge too harshly unless you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.

 

[yogacat]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You've talked about having an open mind, that we all have different experiences.

Respectfully, that applies to you too.  Try to not judge too harshly unless you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.

I'm not sure what you mean. Maybe you missed the part where I mentioned I've been sexually harassed so I have walked in those very uncomfortable shoes.

Many women have unfortunately.

Do explain.

[rainbowsandroses]

TBH it felt like you were being unfairly critical of women who don't respond to being complimented the way you do.  

Saying it's a "sad state of affairs when compliments are interpreted as a negative."

Well they can be negative as I said.  But even if they weren't, depending on our experiences and personal preferences, women have the right to dislike being approached in that manner without them being deemed negative towards men or the compliment being deemed a negative.

I'm sorry you were sexually harassed. I have been as well.

I feel like I'm being sexually harassed now at my current job by a male co-worker; I was going to start a thread about it because it's becoming quite uncomfortable.

These are isolated incidents, I don't negatively judge all men based on such experiences and I deal with it. 

Anyway, said my piece and if I have misjudged you or your posts in any way, I apologize @yogacat.

 

 

 

[yogacat]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

TBH it felt like you were being unfairly critical of women who don't respond to being complimented the way you do.  

Saying it's a "sad state of affairs when compliments are interpreted as a negative."

Well they can be negative as I said.  But even if they weren't, depending on our experiences and personal preferences, women have the right to dislike being approached in that manner without them being deemed negative towards men or the compliment being negative.

I'm sorry you were sexually harassed. I have been as well.

I feel like I'm being sexually harassed now at my current job by a male co-worker; I was going to start a thread about it because it's becoming quite uncomfortable.

These are isolated incidents, I don't negatively judge all men based on such experiences and I deal with it. 

Anyway, said my piece and if I have misjudged you or your posts in any way, I apologize @yogacat.

 

 

 

No worries.

I think I've already said that compliments, unless overtly sexual and degrading which is not fine, but if it's simply expressing appreciation for someone, that is not objectifying them.  Merely stating you think someone is attractive isn't dehumanizing them or sexualizing them. 

And it is possible to appreciate someone physically and otherwise. People coming onto you obviously in a disgusting manner is obviously a no-no.  Any rational human being knows this, unless they're a monster, and even then most monsters know it, too.

If someone, especially a stranger, compliments you, even respectfully and genuinely, you feel disrespected and intruded upon and uncreative? Most people don't feel that way, or they understand healthy boundaries.

If we're talking about how comments on appearance are not creative and only average joes do them as if they have to be creative to have a certain level of worth or else why bother that to me is dehumanizing. It's like we're only as valuable as our thinking mind and if we can't come up with something really creative then why bother.

Our thoughts are supposed to align and iterate with our communications. That's not dehumanizing at all. The creativity and depth of our communication is what distinguishes us from animals. Saying creativity is necessary for worth is not saying thinking is the only thing that makes us human.

So the recipient of those said compliments are entitled to feel that way, again everybody is different. Most men are just trying to establish some level of communication to see if women are interested, since men are expected to initiate since that's the norm.

You're citing a very extreme cases otherwise whereas if a man compliments a woman on her appearance there is always some sexual motive. I don't think that's even close to true, it's natural for people to be attracted to others physically, but if a person is treating you like an object, then obviously that's not okay. 

But a simple compliment isn't objectification, it's a part of human interaction. And if someone is genuinely attracted to you, they may express it through a compliment. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. Of course, if they start making lewd comments or become pushy, that's a completely different story. But demonizing all compliments or expressions of attraction as inherently objectifying or aggressive is not productive.

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, yogacat said:

If someone, especially a stranger, compliments you, even respectfully and genuinely, you feel disrespected and intruded upon and uncreative?

Not at all, as I've said, a compliment when given respectfully is lovely and I thank them for it.  I've stated that throughout this thread.

Does it result in my wanting to continue talking to him?  Well, not ruling it out but thus far it hasn't. I need more than that to move me to want to take the conversation further. 

That doesn't mean I found it a negative.  It wasn't!  

It's funny, I was thinking about this and if my current guy who I felt drawn to immediately had complimented me straight away, I might have loved it!

Who knows, it's hard to say but that wasn't HIS style, so he didn't.  He mentioned HH and told me to stop by, he'd buy me a drink.

There are women who would have been put off by that type of bold approach; we all have different preferences and things we respond to more than others.... depending.

It doesn't mean any of it is "negative."

Hope that clarifies @yogacat. 

By the way, and changing subjects I am very into yoga myself!  

It changed my life! 😀

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I don't equate a compliment as a pick-up line or flirting, 

The original poster specifically indicated that "you're hot" was  explicitly  for the purposes of picking up women.  Which frankly isn't really a compliment any more than a wolf whistle. 

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You're citing a very extreme cases otherwise whereas if a man compliments a woman on her appearance there is always some sexual motive. I don't think that's even close to true.

To clarify I never posted that @yogacat.  And I don't feel that way.  I never think in extremes like that. 

Sure in some instances, there is a sexual motive, I have experienced that, on the apps too as I said. 

But generally when a man compliments me and it's given in a respectful manner, I find it lovely and thank him. 

 

[LootieTootie]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The original poster specifically indicated that "you're hot" was  explicitly  for the purposes of picking up women.  Which frankly isn't really a compliment any more than a wolf whistle. 

This...and what Catfeeder said about the word "hot"...

Sorry, sex trafficking is real and there are so many creeps out there that if you told a random stranger they were hot, don't blame them for not taking it as a compliment, regardless how good-looking you are.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The original poster specifically indicated that "you're hot" was  explicitly  for the purposes of picking up women.  Which frankly isn't really a compliment any more than a wolf whistle. 

Thank you. 

Most of us initally were responding to OP's own words, and not diving into tangential debates. It's quite something how far off-track these threads often get with posters arguing amongst themselves and no sign of OP for several posts. 

Good grief. 

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The original poster specifically indicated that "you're hot" was  explicitly  for the purposes of picking up women.  Which frankly isn't really a compliment any more than a wolf whistle. 

I am referring to the woman that he said it to and him that he dated for several months:

On 1/10/2024 at 4:38 PM, psycho magnet said:

Another time (slightly different context) I was hanging out at a bar with a couple friends and one of their friends came to hang with us. I was attracted to her immediately. Feeling particularly confident for some reason I asked if I could talk to her outside literally within a few minutes of meeting her. She said yes and I told her directly I thought she was hot and would like to see her again sometime. She said she wanted to also and immediately gave me her (real) number. Didn't end up working out but we did date for a few months. 

I don't think wolf whistles are a fair comparison to simply telling someone they are attractive. While "you're hot" may not be the most eloquent or thoughtful compliment, it was said with the intent to date the woman, not to objectify or harass her.

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

To clarify I never posted that @yogacat.  And I don't feel that way.  I never think in extremes like that. 

Sure in some instances, there is a sexual motive, I have experienced that, on the apps too as I said. 

But generally when a man compliments me and it's given in a respectful manner, I find it lovely and thank him. 

 

Thanks for clarifying.

I'm glad to hear that you don't think in extremes and that you have had positive experiences with compliments from men. I've had both so I do appreciate what you're saying.  I agree that being respectful is key. Sometimes it can be hard to tell the intention behind a compliment.

I think OP is trying to find a genuine balance. It's always a tough line but I agree that women deserve to feel comfortable and men should be respectful in their pursuits.

When approaching a stranger in public and a man asking her for her number, or giving his, he either succeeds and goes on to date her or he strikes out or is looked back on by her in a poor light as creepy. Or, maybe he just gives a compliment with no strings attached. I've certainly gotten those.

I take it OP that you're just looking for a way to give a woman the chance to contact you if the interest is mutual and she can just chuck it if not. My apologies for not speaking directly to you earlier, I seem to have gotten caught up in a few other things.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

When approaching a stranger in public and a man asking her for her number, or giving his, he either succeeds and goes on to date her or he strikes out or is looked back on by her in a poor light as creepy. Or, maybe he just gives a compliment with no strings attached. I've certainly gotten those.

I agree with the others that going up to a stranger on the street and saying to the stranger that  she or he is hot is not a compliment (especially these days given what Catfeeder wrote and others about the prevalence of trafficking etc but not just because of that) even if it's "meant" as one.  That is my personal opinion and another opinion is that I think I'm in really good company with that opinion both my men and women.  And if the person who did it was a reasonably healthy adult (meaning not clueless and not intoxicated or acting on a dare) I'd be shocked if the motive was to get to know that person as a person much less on a proper date.  

[TheCrow]

On 1/15/2024 at 5:32 PM, Batya33 said:

It was my reasonable self esteem where I knew I was far more than my looks and men who were so uber focused on looks that they'd think I'd enjoy that sort of "compliment" weren't going to have much in common with me.

In third grade on my first day of school the boy sitting behind me (who I am friends with on FB) said "you seem really nice!"  We crushed on each other.  I loved how he tried to compliment me internally.  I've always valued that above looks.

This thread isn't about kids and what they say to each other at school?

I was very beautiful when young and stared and wolf-whistled at wherever I  went. I had it all. Hot, gorgeous, stunning, beautiful etc etc. I found it very flattering. It was an ego boost. Fun times. Youth and beauty. All that was many years ago. I am still very beautiful to my husband. He tells me every day. 

Talking about grown up world, If a man approached me with 'you seem very nice'... I'd frankly be rather insulted. Most certainly prefer 'absolutely beautiful' to 'very nice'. To each their own.

[shouldhavelearned]

People need to start somewhere

 

Would it hurt that much?