I’m not sure why my friend is lying to me.

[Samkay]

Hello! Hope your day is going well. I have a friend who I look up to she is older then me so I view her as an older sister. We were very close and would hang out (online, we play online games too) almost every day. She was someone who I thought totally understood me and someone I could always go to, I really really trusted her. But recently things have changed. She has a new friend now and I’m fine with that, I don’t view myself as jealous just confused? She spends a lot of her time with this new friend and I didn’t understand why she would spend every single day with him. Even the days we would hang out he would end up playing with us or she would join him after playing with me for a few hours. tbh I was feeling left out and a little jealous at first but then we had a talk and I was back to being super confident in our friendship. But then she lied to me. I asked her if she wanted to play a game with me and she declined saying she was going on this trip the next day and had to get up early. But when I woke up for work in the morning I saw her playing a game me and her use it play all the time but now with him. After I got off work a few hours later I saw she was still online and asked if she wanted to play but then she said she kinda only wants to play this other game right now…and played that with the same friend. She didn’t even ask if I wanted to play or made any effort in trying to include me after I asked her. And just now I see her playing the game I asked her to play… with him…after she told me she’s just not feeling it. I know I’m not entitled to her time. But im more confused why she lied to me, she was someone I trusted to always tell me the truth and I think realizing she could lie to me really messed me up. I don’t know how to proceed with this and it’s really irritating me. I already talked to her about these problems I was having and she said her other friends said the same thing, but some how it’s even worse. I feel not valued in this friendship and im realizing there’s a chance that she might just not care about me anymore. Sorry if parts don’t make sense, i could clarify if needed. But any recommendations on how to proceed with this friendship would be amazing. Thank you.

[Batya33]

Do you know her in real life? How often do you meet in person? What are your ages? Maybe she lied to you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she went on a trip and was playing from there? Is she in a romantic relationship? Friendships that fade can be really hard and sometimes people are not truthful to avoid confrontation. I'm sorry!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Samkay said:

…and played that with the same friend. She didn’t even ask if I wanted to play or made any effort in trying to include me after I asked her. And just now I see her playing the game I asked her to play… with him…after she told me she’s just not feeling it. 

Sorry this is happening. Have you met in person? Is it possible you have a crush on her?  It seems she's making new friends and mostly superficial friends. 

Please distance yourself from her and this group. Expand your social horizons and make new friends.  Please try not to get dependent on any one particular person especially if they're more of an online gaming acquaintance. 

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I think spending too much time devoted to just one person can start to feel a bit suffocating for one or the other, even though they may have seemed equally enthusiastic about it at the time.

Why can't they simply be honest about that? They can, and if they're not, it's a reflection on them, not you.

The message I'd take from this going forward is to invest in forming different kinds and degrees of friendships, and especially in person rather than online. This avoids putting any one person into a pressure cooker to meet all of your needs.

Head high.

[anbesivam]

It seems as though your friendship is coming to an end. I had a friend once, who was like my brother, the closest in the world it seemed, but now we don't even talk! Such is the absurdity of things. Chances are, she's not feeling it anymore, and unfortunately one-sided friendships don't work. You could, of course, try to fix it, but that's hard to get right and it can certainly be very awkward. 

 

I'd advice you to part ways with her, and try to distract yourself instead of focusing on what you have lost. 

Focus on what lies ahead.

[Andrina]

There are reasons metaphors exist. It's because they hold truth just about everyone can relate to. In this instance, it would be: Don't put all your eggs into one basket.

In life, we learn that every friend you have at any given point will not wind up being a forever friend. Of course, some might be, but that's unknown. Too many life factors contribute to friends fading away. Some friendships totally end. Some that were once strong, become less of a priority. Some that started as acquaintances could evolve into a person you're close to. The evolution of all these instances are totally normal and should be expected.

I've never bothered calling out a friend for not putting in effort. I begin matching a lesser effort if they are fading from my life, or if they only want favors from me instead of spending quality time with me. I feel no need for a conversation since their actions speak volumes, and it's my cue to lessen my time in their lives or to stop reaching out cold turkey. Of course, if they asked why my behavior has changed, I would be honest. But if they let things fade without asking, I know they no longer were invested in our friendship, so that has left me putting my efforts where I'm treated as I should be.

If you have failed to establish friendships with others, how about trying Meetup.com groups, and try some hobbies that are offline and getting outside for some hiking, bicycling, rockclimbing, sports, or anything else you could be passionate about. A good new year's resolution to enrich your life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

There are reasons metaphors exist. It's because they hold truth just about everyone can relate to. In this instance, it would be: Don't put all your eggs into one basket.

In life, we learn that every friend you have at any given point will not wind up being a forever friend. Of course, some might be, but that's unknown. Too many life factors contribute to friends fading away. Some friendships totally end. Some that were once strong, become less of a priority. Some that started as acquaintances could evolve into a person you're close to. The evolution of all these instances are totally normal and should be expected.

I've never bothered calling out a friend for not putting in effort. I begin matching a lesser effort if they are fading from my life, or if they only want favors from me instead of spending quality time with me. I feel no need for a conversation since their actions speak volumes, and it's my cue to lessen my time in their lives or to stop reaching out cold turkey. Of course, if they asked why my behavior has changed, I would be honest. But if they let things fade without asking, I know they no longer were invested in our friendship, so that has left me putting my efforts where I'm treated as I should be.

If you have failed to establish friendships with others, how about trying Meetup.com groups, and try some hobbies that are offline and getting outside for some hiking, bicycling, rockclimbing, sports, or anything else you could be passionate about. A good new year's resolution to enrich your life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Excellent points, especially about focusing on in-person ways to meet people like meetup.com groups or other kinds of groups that focus on your interests.

One of the best suggestions I’ve heard for shy people is to bypass heading straight for the most popular people in a group, workplace or campus. They already have lots of friends, and so their investment in taking on a new friend won’t likely match your own. Instead, seek out those who you believe might be lonely. While they might prefer being a loner, chances are higher that they will be open to finding a new friend. If so, their desire to cultivate a friendship with you will likely match your own to some degree. Your odds are better than with someone who already has enough friends.

[Samkay]

On 1/10/2024 at 3:28 AM, Batya33 said:

Do you know her in real life? How often do you meet in person? What are your ages? Maybe she lied to you because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she went on a trip and was playing from there? Is she in a romantic relationship? Friendships that fade can be really hard and sometimes people are not truthful to avoid confrontation. I'm sorry!

I don’t know her irl it’s only an online friendship, I am 21 she’s 27. She was playing the time she said she was going to be leaving/ on the road. I do think she lied to me because she just didn’t want to hang out. Which is fine, but I feel like she can’t even make time to hang out with me even with me reminding her I’m still here. Thank you!

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Samkay said:

I don’t know her irl it’s only an online friendship, I am 21 she’s 27. She was playing the time she said she was going to be leaving/ on the road. I do think she lied to me because she just didn’t want to hang out. Which is fine, but I feel like she can’t even make time to hang out with me even with me reminding her I’m still here. Thank you!

How do you know she is a she or that she is the one "talking" to you at all times?