Mixed signals and sometimes friendzone

[Coogles]

A girl is coming on to me and then sometimes I get some Friendzone comments other times.

There is a distance between us geographically. 

We hung out twice when I visited some mutuals last year.

We are making plans to hang out in 3 months. But, it's complicated right now. 

I have 3 months to get things together and perhaps get out of the friendzone and back to the other way. 

She blows hot and cold and we both admit there is a connection.

Help me out here with some advice.

Ps: First post on this forum

[Sam1986]

You should probably give us some more context here, as the lack of information here can only give you very general answers (which are less likely to apply to your individual case).

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Coogles said:

There is a distance between us geographically. We hung out twice when I visited some mutuals last year.I have 3 months to get things together and perhaps get out of the friendzone and back to the other way.

How do you know each other? How long have you been friends? Are either of you away at university?

What is the distance about and how often do you see each other? How old is she? Are either of you seeing someone? 

Have you ever dated? What do you mean by "back to the other way"?  Are you usually in touch in between your visits? 

[Batya33]

A lot can happen in 3 months.  Either of you can meet other people, etc and she might not even visit.  I'd invest no more time in this unless you can see each other regularly and she responds enthusiastically to you asking her out on a proper date. Not reading tea leaves, or discussing vague "connections" or "coming on to each other.  Ask her out on a date even in advance and tell her you'd like to date her properly- if you two would be able to see each other at least 3 time a month.

I was long distance with my now husband and even when you're totally into each other it's really hard!

[Coogles]

We know eachother through Zoom during Covid.

I visited her city 3 times now.

We hung out for more each time. 

A walk, dinner and then a day at a national treasure.

We are both working. Me in Europe and her in America. 

Next time I visit we plan on lunch, an escape room and then dinner and a live music venue. 

We are both in our early 30s.

We text quite regularly and sometimes phonecalls. 

It started as a great connection and then friendship and more connection.

It's pretty cool when we hang out.

But, difficult to gauge from a distance.

The distance kills me.

I'm thinking of taking it easy until I visit again 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Coogles said:

I visited her city 3 times now.We are both working. Me in Europe and her in America. Next time I visit we plan on lunch, an escape room and then dinner and a live music venue. The distance kills me. I'm thinking of taking it easy until I visit again 

If you have fun together when you visit that's great but as far as a relationship, it doesn't seem viable. It's doubtful she would like drive-by hookups when you happen to be in town, so it's unclear what you mean by "getting out of the friendzone". Try to relax and enjoy your visit. 

[Coogles]

We could have hooked up the second visit.

But I wasn't in a good place at the time.

We talked about it a few times.

Definitely complicated with distance etc

[smackie9]

Well I see the dilemma here....the distance. She's wanting more of a commitment like you moving there to be with her rather than meeting up every 3 months. What are your future plans other than getting laid. 

[Coogles]

I would be willing to give it a chance as fpr a relationship.

She's awesome.

But the mixed signals and distance are tough right now.

Next time I visit we can talk proper.

I wouldn't disagree with your view. But I think she's more 50/50 right now than wanting me to move etc 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Youve barely given any information 

 

how are you defining “friendzone” and “blowing hot and cold”? Give us examples. What is she doing that is causing you to define the behaviors with these terms?? 

[Cherylyn]

Sounds like you are zoned in friends land.  🙄

[Andrina]

So have you spent at least $1500-2000 every time you fly and stay in a hotel to see her? Rather expensive for something so iffy. Why aren't you dating locally, where nobody has to eventually file for an expensive, time-intensive, and dangerous financially if things don't work out "fiance Visa?"

[ShySoul]

For starters, don't worry about the "friendzone." Either something more happens because a connection was there, or it doesn't. Being a friend is a good way to get to that something more and has worked well for you so far. And if something more doesn't happen, it's because it wasn't suppose to happen and not because you were being a friend. 

Just keep doing what you are doing. Are you having fun when you talk to each other? Do you talk regularly? Yes? Then things are good so keep it up. When you do see each other though, you should probably have an honest talk about your feelings. Do you each want more? Are you able to handle it being long distance? Can you work out a way to see each other in person more often? Is she able and willing to go see you for a change? If there is a connection, the feelings will come naturally, nothing you have to do in that regard other then enjoy your time together and be yourself. What will decide how far things go is how much each of you is willing to put into making it work given the distance involved.

[MissCanuck]

She might like you well enough, but at the same be looking at the more practical complications of this and not really interested in trying to cobble something more out of it. 

20 hours ago, Coogles said:

We talked about it a few times.

And what were her thoughts? 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Coogles said:

We could have hooked up the second visit.We talked about it a few times.

Are you both single? Or are you both dating local people? The visits seem like fun, but as far as long term viability, try not to overthink it. 

[Sam1986]

On 1/9/2024 at 5:40 AM, ShySoul said:

For starters, don't worry about the "friendzone." Either something more happens because a connection was there, or it doesn't. Being a friend is a good way to get to that something more and has worked well for you so far. And if something more doesn't happen, it's because it wasn't suppose to happen and not because you were being a friend. 

Yeah I don't subscribe to the "friendzone" either. I believe it's a myth created by the belief that some people have that "you can get anyone to like you if you change your behaviour to X/Y/Z, and if you are friendzoned it means its your own fault because you didnt do X/Y/Z", thereby assuming that people can be manipulated into liking you as a romantic partner in the first place. Humans are not that simple, and mutual romantic interest stems from a whole lot more than just one party's behaviour towards the other. Meaning that if one is "friendzoned", changes are good he will remain there anyway if she doesn't see him as a romantic prospect to begin with.

[kim42]

As someone dealing with a long-distance situation, it's interesting to read a similar story.

Can you explain how she blows hot and cold?

[Jaunty]

It doesn't sound like you are friends or dating.  Neither one. 

Your first statement is that she is "coming on to" you, and you follow that immediately with "Friendzone comments."  

Evidently you are peripheral acquaintances who have a mutual attraction to each other - but you do not know each other.

You also said that you hung out twice:

Quote

 

We hung out twice when I visited some mutuals last year.

 

But you also said:

Quote

 

I visited her city 3 times now.

We hung out for more each time.

 

Did you travel from Europe to the USA to spend one day together?  That's quite extravagant, especially given that you'd only met one or two times before and had a single normal date each time.

In any case, this is not exactly launching a relationship.

It doesn't sound like you're both romantically invested in whatever you're doing.   More like "maybe" you "kind of" like each other.

It's not going to stick together unless you both fall HARD and do everything humanly possible to be together.  

 

[ShySoul]

20 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

Humans are not that simple, and mutual romantic interest stems from a whole lot more than just one party's behaviour towards the other. Meaning that if one is "friendzoned", changes are good he will remain there anyway if she doesn't see him as a romantic prospect to begin with.

Yeah, I think it becomes an excuse to justify things when things don't work out. One side tried to be friend rather then fitting into some idea of what you are suppose to do to get a relationship, so obviously they doomed themselves. In reality, if it was going to work out, it would have. If the other side didn't have interest, then nothing was going to change that. Besides, why would being someone's friend be a bad thing? Even if you were hoping for more, finding a true friend in this world is hard enough. Enjoy it when you find it.

As for this example, I think there is some degree of attraction but the circumstances are far from ideal. It could work, but both sides need to be interested and willing to put in the effort to take it to the next step. Though it would be useful to have a better idea of what is meant by "hot and cold." What signs is she giving she is interested versus what does she do to downplay it?